Candybars

by the great Luke Ski

/

about

This song, a parody of "Handlebars" by the Flobots, is about my struggles with weight loss, or more to the point, my lack thereof due to my insufficient willpower when it comes to changing my behavior to positively effect my health and negatively effect the number that appears when I step on the scale. After debuting this at MarsCon, many people told me they could relate to the song and appreciated its message. Whether you fall into that category or not, I hope you all enjoy the song.

lyrics

(spoken:) Ah, lunchtime! Snacks! Oh! *crunch crunch* So tasty! *crunch crunch* Uhhm, nom! *crunch crunch* Aw, man. What am I doing?

I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.

Look at me, look at me.
Scale’s at two-hundred-sixty-three
pounds. And it’s not surprising
‘cause I love the grub at Potbelly.
I can eat a dozen oreos.
I can eat a double Quarter Pounder.
I can eat a large bag of Doritos.
And I can get depressed ‘cause I’m getting rounder.
I can drink a gallon of chocolate Quik.
I can nom Ramen with a choppy-stick.
I can carve a Tombstone Pepperoni.
And eat at Arby’s and not be sick.
Sausages made from tofu gook.
Mrs. Grass’ Soup I like to cook.
All these habits must be shook.
I’ll have bacon once and awhile, but, look

I can have a modicum of self-control.
Of self-control. Of self-control.
And I can have some iceberg in a salad bowl,
Not a casserole, made of pizza rolls.

Look at me, look at me.
I just did a round of therapy.
I’m fine, just take my meds
And make changes incrementally.
I can walk to work, not drive my Nissan.
Take vitamins from my pharmacy.
I can read that book by Nerdist, he’s on
TV, think his name’s Chris Hardbody.
I can make myself a Pinterest gallery.
I can count every point and calorie, eat squash,
go to meetings at Weight Watchers
and give them a big chunk of my salary.
Invest in a health club, shake my assets.
Sign up for pole dancing classes,
Yoga, or some new contortion.
I will not blow this diet out of a portion.
‘Cause I can eat a lima not a jellybean.
Not a jellybean. Not a jellybean.
And I don’t have to bow down to the Dairy Queen,
Or to Krispy Kreme, or the KFC.

(spoken:) Okay so, a 15 ounce can of Skyline Chili, how many points is this? One serving is 250 calories, each can is 2 servings, so 500 calories, Multiply that by .0303, that’s 15.15. 2 grams of sugar, multiply, if, uh, if the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile is leaving down Hershey Highway at 27 miles per hour, how long un-aaahhh! It’s bad enough being on a diet, WHY DO I ALSO HAVE TO DO MATH?!?!?! AAAAAHHH!!!!

Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef?!
Right up here in my mouth!
And I will smother and cover every
Waffle House in the south!
My El Pollo is Loco! My milk is Nestle!
My Rocky’s Roccoco! My breadsticks are free!
I can be the king of mastication!
Barrel of Coke is my hydration!
Order all Chipotle combinationS!
Red Lobster? 101 Crustaceans!
I used to think that I could be a sleek guy,
Now I really don’t care!
And I’m gonna eat all the things they deep fry
At the Wisconsin State Fair

Because a fair is a veritable smorgasbord!
A smorgasbord! A smorgasbord!
The side dish for my T-bone is a side of pork!
Screw the salad fork! Eat just like an orc!
And I’ll consume a metric ton of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!
Of Häagen-DaaaaAAAGGHHghhghh!---

I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.
I can live my life with no candybars.
No candybars. No candybars.

credits

released April 18, 2017
Lyrics & vocals by the great Luke Ski
Music & mixing by Jeff Dutton aka Bonecage

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about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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