Carpe Dementia

by the great Luke Ski

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about

The 3rd full-length album by "the great Luke Ski". He has included 7 'Best-of Luke Ski' tracks on this album, the most popular tracks from his first 2 CDs ("Fanboys 'n da Hood" and "Shadows of the Bunghole"), which are now out of print.

credits

released March 26, 1999

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about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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Track Name: Fruit Loops
I'd roll out of bed.
The week end's ahead.
Eight hours of cartoons.
Bugs, Popeye, and Scooby Doo.
I'd get this feeling, oh, right about six A.M. (*Feed me, feed me…) (*Heh heh, Don't panic.)
Got to the cupboard, and see my pal, Toucan Sam.

So now I gotta eat Loops.
Fruit Loops.
Watch Sat'day morn' cartoons.
Munch.
For brunch.
Ten bowls of Captain Crunch.
Snacks.
Sugar Smacks.
Bring on the Apple Jacks.
Loops.
Fruit Loops.
Everybody eat Fruit Loops.

(spoken:) Milky cereal baby! Sienfeld's got nothin on my kitchen cabinet!

You're hittin' the skids.
You say Trix is for kids.
Silly rabbit, I'll get you into my arms.
When I turn on my Lucky Charms.
You say you're too old; baby, I'll show you the way.
I'll be your Sugar Bear, and you can be my special K!

Start your day! A-with a bowl-a some Loops.
Fruit Loops.
Kid tested, Mom approved.
Trix.
Crispix.
That's how I get my Kix.
Gra-
-nola
Can't beat Count Chocula
Loops.
Fruit Loops.
Everybody eat Fruit Loops.










Pink Hearts,
Orange Stars,
Yellow Moons,
Green Clovers,
Blue Diamonds,
Purple Horseshoes,
Red Balloons.

You want my Lucky shamrocks.
I want that prize in your box.
I'm your Honey Nut Cherrios…

(* SFX- Shaking Box)
(* SFX- Opening Box)
(* SFX- Pouring Cereal)
(* SFX- Pouring Milk)
(* SFX- Spoon & Crunch)

…Just follow your nose!

Fruit Loops.
Get a load of my two scoops.
Just a kiss.
Of Golden Crisp.
Let's name our first kid Quisp.
Can't get enough.
Of that stuff.
I'm KooKoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Loops.
Fruit Loops.

Fred 'n Barney quibble over Fruity Pebbles.
Frosted Flakes at eight, Tony says they're great!
Never gonna stop, Snap-Crackle-Pop.
Oh-so-yummy, everybody eat Fruit Loops!

Hey, Mikey really likes it!
Track Name: Insane And The Brain
Pinky: So Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

Pinky: Ha ha ha ha ha, NARF!
Brain: Quiet Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you! With our subliminal message and there hardcore rap lyrics, we will take over the world!
Pinky: Narf! Poit! Boo-yah!
Brain: Now take it to the grill one time, Pinky!
Pinky: Oh, right-o Brain! Ha ha haa, NARF!

Pinky:
Oh, we're the mice the plan, ain't no scam.
There's a fool-proof plan on the diagram.
A-this jam, across the world will span!
Wham! From Burbank, to Pakistan!

Brain:
You'll all obey the subliminal message.
Brain, washing minds, like my name was Newt Gingrich.

Pinky: Narf!

Brain:
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
We'll rule the world, whatcha wondering?

Pinky:
Oh! Well, Brain, I think so...
But do you think Regis will let us be on his show?

Brain:
I've got to maintain,
that a lab mouse like you is going insane!

Pinky: Narf! Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: He's insane, I'm the Brain! YES!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Narf!

Pinky:
Now Pinky's on the mic,
I'm fresh, like a daffodilly!
Dance, fun fun, silly willy!
I'm your favorite sidekick! Don't deny it!
I'm getting dizzy, and I think I rather like it!
Brain gets mad like Ralph Kramden. Bang-Zoom!
Just like in a cartoon!
I know we'll rule the world brightly,
but we'll just screw up and we'll get foiled nightly.
Yakko? ZORT! Wakko, Dot?
Bobby, Squit, Pesto? Scratchandsniff, Plotz?
Their big claim to fame is so lame,
A lab mouse like me is going insane!

Pinky: Narf! Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: He's insane, I'm the Brain! YES!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!

Brain's subliminal message: You are under my control, you will do whatever I say.

B. Real: They're Pinky and the Brain, Pinky and the Brain,
One is a genius, the other's insane!
They're laboratory mice!
Cypress Hill: THEY'RE GENES HAVE BEEN SPLICED!
B. Real: To prove their mousey worth,
Cypress Hill: THEY'LL OVERTHROW THE EARTH!
B. Real: They're Animani-
Cypress Hill: TOTALLY INSANEY!
B. Real: They're inky, they're dinky,
Cypress Hill: THEY'RE PINKY AND THE BRAIN!

Brain:
Like Louis Armstrong, played a trumpet,
I'll rule this world at the size of a crumpet.
You, will all become my props.
Cops, never try to stop my plots.
Those pigs cannot blow this mouse down! YES!
Soon town to town will fall to the ground.
World peace is surely going to increase,
It's as easy as a piece of cheese.
Iconoclastin' blastin' stone col' rockin'
noodle noggin with a proletariat dream.
Soon, with this midnight scheme,
I'll become the rodentia supreme.
Through the world I will reign, like Charles Foster Kane,
Cause a lab mouse like me is known as the Brain! YES!

Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: He's insane, I'm the Brain! YES!
Pinky: Insane, and my man, Brain!
Brain: Insane, and the Brain!
Pinky: Narf!

Pinky: Zounds, Brain! Isn't being a gangsta rapper the best fun ever! Hee hee, NARF!
Brain: Pinky, we've done our job too well! Our hip hop jam is so funky, it's completely deluded our subliminal message! Come, we must return to our cage, so I can think of a better plan for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try and take over the world!
Singers: They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
Pinky: NARF!
Track Name: Baby Got Brak
(spoken intro)
Stage Manager: Space Ghost, 15 seconds til showtime…
B: Boy, oh, boy! Time for my big rap song!
SG: How do I look, Zorak?
Z: Oh my gosh, Space Ghost! Look at your butt!
SG: Huh?
Z: It is so big! You look like one of those research guy's girlfriends!
SG: Oh, knock it off!
Z: But, y'know, who understands those research guys? They only talk to you because you have all the processed food, okay?
SG: You want a piece of me?
Z: No, not today, thank you.
B: Hey! This is supposed to be my song!
Z: Did you hear something, Space Ghost?
B: Hey!
SG: No.
B: Hey! HEY!!
Z: As I was saying, Space Ghost, your butt is just so big!
B: Listen to me!!!
Z: I can't believe, it's just so round, it's like, out there!
B: Nobody pays any attention to me! AAAH!!!
Z: I mean, gross!
B: NOT FUNNY!!! AAAH!!!
Z: Hey Space Ghost, where's… …Brak?!

(verse 1: Space Ghost)
I am Space Ghost, and I cannot lie.
You super villains can't deny
that when a guy walks in with his mighty power bands,
you will freeze, put up your hands,
and succumb… to the ways of good,
like your Mama told you you should.
Recently, I'm moonlighting.
In the talk show wars I'm fighting.
Oh, Banjo! I just interviewed a
Judy Tenuta.
I think she enjoyed her visit,
until Brak started yelling, ( B: ) "What time is it?!"
Hey, I think I'll flex
and show off my powerful pecs.
A real Ree-kay Suave-Oh,
more moves than Johnny Bravo. ( Johnny Bravo: ) Whoa mama!
Tights, white and milky.
Cape, smooth and silky,
like felt. I'm svelte.
And I sport an Inviso-Belt.
I'm tired of all the hosts
fighting over who's the most.
Sure the average guy's got a handsome face,
but can he fly through space?
So, Zorak! ( Z: ) "What?" Zorak! ( Z: ) "What?"
Will you play me to the desk? ( Z: ) "Yeah, right!"
Then play it! ( Z: ) "Play it!" Play it! ( Z: ) "Lard butt!"
Cuz I beat all the rest!
Baby's got Brak!

(scat trio featuring Brak)
( B: ) Hello, my name is Brak, from Cartoon Planet!…
SG: Baby's got Brak!
( B: ) Hello, my name is Brak, from Cartoon Planet!…
( B: ) Hello, my name is Brak, from Cartoon Planet!…

(verse 2: Zorak)
I am Zorak!
The man-… -tis who'll attack
the big fat stupid boob that's known as
Space Ghost! I'll fry 'em up like french toast!
Unless his power bands
go (*zap!) DANISH! (*zap!) (*boom!)
I ain't talkin about BirdMan,
I'm talkin 'bout the two ton pile of Spam!
My music's real slick and bluesy.
I'll rock your snoozy planet.
All the rest can can it.
Black Widow, Metallus and Tansit.
Now Lokar's at it again. ( Lokar: ) Arachnid!
Bookworm locust isn't my fan.
You can have that bug, man.
I'll keep on rulin like Klugman!
A helpful hint, go cower-under my power-uh,
cuz I mught devour ya!
I hit Brak with a rake, til I make him cry…
( B: ) "WAAH!" …til the break of dawn!
Zorak's got it goin on!
Space Cheese is a giant yawn.
All he does is pine and whine,
but I'd rather rock and mock.
Cuz I'm mean, and I'm green,
and I sing better than Ben Vereen!
So, Brak! ( B: ) "What?" Brak! ( B: ) "What?"
Do you wanna fix me a snack? ( B: ) "Okay!"
Then pass the pork saurkraut.
Even Moltar's got to shout!
( Moltar: ) "Baby's got Brak!"

(spoken)
Brak: Yeah, buddy… When it comes to females…
the cosmos ain't got nothin to do with my peaches and herbs…
36 - 20 - 40 in my big 'ol pick up- What was I talkin about?

(verse 3: Brak)
So ya heard of my days of glory,
and you wanna know what's my story.
Well this ain't exactly Dexter's Labratory.
My hunky-dorey
brains turned to putty, so I
went nutty, buddy!
Thay pihranamite radiation
HALF LOBOTOMIZED ME!!!
Some villains wanna conquer everything,
but me, I wanna dance and sing!
I get down, and funky,
but, HEY, I am not a monkey!
At school I didn't pass.
I brought a TV to class.
The teacher caught me watchin 'Cow and Chicken',
so he gave me a spankin.
Gonna cook you up a plate of beans,
and some torta-weenies!
Now what's the matter, you wanna get fatter?
Just try my 'pu pu pu platter!'
Even though I'm dumber than drool,
I'm still a crazy lovesick fool.
Hey ladies, how are ya doin?
I feel like Hoodlee-Hooin!
So if you want Brak to come down
and visit you in your town,
contact Ghost Planet Industries
( Brak with Zorak and Moltar: ) "AND MAKE THEM SET US FREE!!!"
Baby, I'm Brak!

(spoken and sang outro)
Z: Gabba gabba hey gabba click click click!
SG: Those aren't the words!
Z: Then you try it!
SG: Gotta doodle in my noodle, and his name's Minky Boodle!
Z: Minky Boodle!
B: Minky Boodle!
Z: Minky Boodle!
SG: Beautiful!
B: So be really good with all of your might!
SG: Evil villains, stand down from the funk!
B: Cuz Santy Claus is coming tonight!
Z: What does that have to do with anything?
B: I like Santy Claus!
Track Name: Bart Simp Sun
Homer: "Whatever happened to Sideshow Bob?"
Lisa: "Don't you remember, dad? He framed Krusty, he tried to kill Aunt Selma, he rigged an election..."
Bart: "And he tried to murder me!"
Homer: "Oh yeah....but what I'll mainly remember is the laughter."

Sideshow Bob, is my name,
Krusty's sidekick was my fame,
Until I got him framed,
For armed robbery.
I moved in, stole his show,
How was I supposed to know,
That a spikey haired troll
Would be the downfall of me?

Bart: "Sideshow Bob framed him! And I got proof!"

Bart Simp Sun
Had to come,
And ruin all my plans,
Bart Simp Sun
Don't have a
Cow, ma-a-an...

Bart & Lisa: "AHH! SIDESHOW BOB!"

Get revenge?
Well, no duh.
Tried to kill his Aunt Selma.
Stalked his family in a
Robert DeNiro-esque way.
Rigged the polls,
Ruled the town,
Made the TV's all shut down.
Burst the dam,
Hoped they'd drown,
But now I'm in the slammer to stay.

Sideshow Bob: "You'll live to regret this!"

Bart Simp Sun,
Got help from,
His sister,
Smart Lisa.
Bart Simp Sun
Aye Cara-hamba.

Bart Simp Sun
How's he come,
Up with all those retorts?
Bart Simp Sun
Eat my shorts,
Eat my shorts.

Bart Simp Sun, Bart Simp Sun..

Lisa: "Bart, your mortal enemy is on the radio!"
Radio: "It's time for more DEEEEEEE-mentia with Dr. Demento!"
Bart: "AHHHHH!" (sound of radio being thrown out the window) "And now, the funny five!"
Lisa: "I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob."
Bart: "Sideshow Bob! Oh, I'm only 10 and I already got 2 mortal enemies..."

Mr. Burns: Smithers! Who is that excellent young lad out there?
Smithers: Um, that would be Bart Simpson, sir, son of Homer Simpson, one of the ion counters down in sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New fellow?

Ralph: I gave Bart my lunch money for some magic beans and then my cat ate the beans and the beans made my cat magical.

Professor Frink: Well, to combat the mischevious nature of the Bart Simpson lad, I've invented this ray gun, which I call the De-Bart-U-Lator, which when used on Bart will counteract the effects of his baser instincts, like the running and the yelling and the skating and the pranking with the graffitti and the hey hey I didn't do it mm-hoy hoy...

I'll be back, have no fear,
For my cameo next year

Sideshow Bob: "Hello, Bart."

Bart Simp Sun
Here I come,
Get ready to say d'oh,
Bart Simp Sun
Hidely Ho, Hidely Ho.
Bart Simp Sun
Almost done,
Your death is not too far,
Nelson Muntz
Say ha ha, say ha ha.

Muntz: HA HA!
Track Name: Cornholio
Butthead:
UUUHHHHHHH!!!!

Beavis:
AAAH! OH, GOD, NOOO!!!

Butthead:
What the hell is this crap?

Beavis:
I need Macarena for my bunghole!

(Beavis & Butthead laugh)

Mr. Van Dreissen:
All right boys, now what I want you to do is just let your bodies move to the rhythm. It'll be a real eye opening experience, mmkay?

Principal McVickar:
Uhhh, NO! NO! You kids better stop that damn dancing, and get your butts back to class before you're expelled! Uhhh...

Butthead:
Say hi to my friend Beavis.
Nobody's a buttmunch like he is.
But when he has six root beers,
and 27 Three Musketeers.
He pulls his shirt, up on his head,
Steps up, and this is what he said:

Beavis:
Hello everybody, I am the great Cornholio!
And I come from Titicaca, give me T.P. for my bunghole!
And the streets will flow with rivers of the blood of non-believers!

Butthead:
The great Cornholio!

Beavis:
Ai'ight?!

Background singers:
Hello everybody, I am the great Cornholio!
And I come from Titicaca, give me T.P. for my bunghole!
And the streets will flow with rivers of the blood of non-believers!
The great Cornholio!

Beavis:
Ai'ight?!
I am the great Cornholio.
You will give me T.P. for my bunghole.
Do not make my, bunghole angry,
Crap-accino! Are you threatening me?!
My bunghole it goes "blblblblblblblbrriiaaa! Plop plop plop plop plop PLOOOP!!"
Do not underestimate the power of the almighty bunghole!
Trick or treat, son of a bitch!

(Butthead makes syncopative 'Uhh' sounds in the background)

Background singers:
Hello everybody, I am the great Cornholio!
And I come from Titicaca, give me T.P. for my bunghole!
And the streets will flow with rivers of the blood of non-believers!
The great Cornholio!

Beavis:
Ai'ight?!

Coach Buzzcut:`
If you two panty waists don't stop dancing and give me some squat thrusts, I will proceed to kick both your asses!

Tom Anderson:
Ain't you the boys that were a-whackin' in my tool shed?

(Butthead makes syncopative 'Uhh' sounds in the background)

Beavis:
Hello everybody, I am the great Cornholio!
And I come from Titicaca, give me T.P. for my bunghole!
And the streets will flow with rivers of the blood of non-believers!

Beavis & Butthead:
The great Cornholio!

Beavis:
Ai'ight?!
Track Name: Hill
Hank: "Yep."
Dale: "Yep."
Bill: "Yep."
Boomhauer: "Yep."

In Arlen, Texas,
That's where you'll find the upper middle class.
Journey to the alleyway,
And you'll will hear what Hank Hill will say:

Hank: "Boy, I tell you what.
My son Bobby's actin' like a nut.
Gonna set him straight tonight,
Because you know that the boy ain't right."

Now people listen, attentively,
To all the middle age senility.
I thought I had seen ultra-conservatives,
Until I heard the old men talking like this:

Hank: "Bobby told me he wants to buy a rap music album. I told him that kind of thing is for urban delinquents only."
Dale: "Rap music? Sounds a bit oxymoronic to me."
Bill: "Why don't they bring back good bands, like Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
Boomhauer: "Yeah, Skynyrd! WOOO! Play that dang ole' Freebird, man."

This is a place where Hank and Peggy,
Do their best to raise their son, Bobby.
It's hard to teach him to be a man,
When he's modeling wigs to help Luanne.

In Arlen, Texas,
That's where you'll find the upper middle class.
Journey to the alleyway,
And you'll will hear what Hank Hill will say:

Hank: "Ugh. Luanne kept me up all night listening to that 'alternative' music."
Dale: "That so-called 'alternative music' was invented by the U.S. Government as an experiment to get teenagers to subliminally give themselves over as organ donors to the space aliens. Kurt Cobain didn't commit suicide, he just knew too much."

Peggy, Bobby, Hank, Luanne, Boomhauer and Bill and Dale,
Hank's on his lawnmower every spring,
So the whole neighborhood knows he's the king!

Boy, I'll tell you what,
My son Bobby's actin' like a nut,
Gonna set him straight tonight (Peggy habla,)
Because you know that the boy ain't right. (Habla Espanol!)

Hank: "Now Bobby wants to take Swing dance lessons. When is that boy going to learn that men aren't supposed to dance?"
Bill: "Uh, I dunno, Hank. Private Francis out at the base is a really good dancer. Although, I'm technically not supposed to be asking him about it, and even if I did he's not supposed to tell me anyway."
Hank: "Shut up, Bill."

Now the B and the O and the O and the M and the H and the A and the U E R,
Women all, they are his,
But no one understands a word he says!
H and the A and the N and the K and the H and the I and the L L,
All night long, he'll complain,
And in the daylight he will sell propane!

Boomhauer: "Boy, I'll tell you what, man, you've got that dang ole' swing music, man, all kinds of kids up there dancing around wearing khaki jeans, pork pie hats, looking like a dang ole' Jim Carrey from The Mask. You've got a Zoot Suit Riot doin' the Stray Cat Strut, put a dang ole' lid on it, man. First you've gotta jump jive and ya wail and ya jump jive and ya wail and you jump jive and your dang ole' wa-ail, man."
Track Name: Kenny Was A Kid From South Park
*Opening theme lead-in.
(music begins)
*Hmhmhm… I thought you just came from the bathroom… Hmhmhm!…
*Ppbbt!… You farted!… ha ha ha… Somebody’s baking brownies…
*Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!…
*Mmm, it smells like dead fish here… Hmhmhm… Aw, man, that is nasty!… I dont think I’ve ever seen a kid as cool as you, Kenny…
*Now, now that is a dirty little bastard!…

Kenny was a kid from South Park.
He says he’s glad to see ya. *Hmhmhm…
When he’s not gettin smashed, stampeded, or shot,
he’s got explosive diarrhea. *Hmhmhm…ppbbt!…
Kyle was a kid from South Park.
He’s a 3rd grade Jewish tyke. *Hey you scrawny sh-beep!…
After cussin out aliens
he’ll play football with his brother Ike.

*Check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!… Don’t kick the baby!… Kick the baby!… Punt… Squeal… Crash!…

Stan was a kid from South Park.
Sister beat’em up everyday.
He barfs each time he talks to the girls,
and his dog, Sparky, is gay. *Down, Sparky, down!…
Cartman was a kid from South Park.
He’s the one with flaming gas. *Ppbbt-woosh!… Ooow!…
When he walks down the street, people go,
‘God dammit, that’s a big fat ass!’

*Beefcake!…
*Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs!…
*I didn’t have an anal probe!…
*God dammit, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine!…
*Yea…

Kenny was a kid from South Park,
and he’ll tell you it aint no lie, *Kenny death sting music
that when you’re growin up in South Park
every day’s a good day to die.

*Howdy Ho!…
*That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!…
*Cows trampling Kenny
*Oh my God!…
*They killed Kenny!…
*You bastards!…
Track Name: Macho Man (Oooh Yeah!)
Mean Gene: Mean Gene Okerlund here, time for Pro-Wrestling action! I have here with me tonight one of the competitors of this weekend's pay-per-view, the great Luke Ski.

Luke Ski: I just wanted to say that I guarantee that my competitor will open up a can of whup-ass on me, if ya smell what the crock is cookin'!

Now I'm not a pro-wrestler, I'm just a wrestling fan.
To meet all of the big boys is now my master plan.
Autographs are boring, not my thing.
I prefer to meet them, in the ring.
Now I have gotten beat up, by all the stars you know.
Except for on this Sunday, there's one more guy to go.
M! A! C, H, O!

Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho Man. (Randy Savage!)
Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho!

Dusty Rhodes: Well it's quite obvious that Luke Ski will feel the plunder when he gets a fillabusterin' from the man, "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

Larry Zybisco: Well, y'know, it seems apparent to everybody that this Luke Ski character is out of his mind!

Bobby Heenan: Don't look at me, I think all those ham-'n-egger fans out there are crazy.

The Undertaker's tombstone's the scariest I've seen. (Rest in peace!)
Knocked Stone Cold by Steve Austin, the time was 3:16. (Hell yeah!)
Rick Flair and the Horsemen left me for dead (Woooo!)
Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels, well, he just said: (Suck it!)
Bret 'the Hitman' Hart pinned me last Canada Day.
I knew I was in trouble, when I heard Hogan say,
"Beat the boy! Crush, kill, destroy!"

Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho Man. (Macho Madness!)
Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho!

Macho Man: When I see that Luke Ski in the ring, I'll smash him with the flying elbow from the top rope! Yeah yeah yeah! And after the ref counts one, two, three, I'll pick him up and break him in half, just like breaking into the beefy spicy taste of a Slim Jim! Snap into it! Oooh yeah!!!

Now Rowdy Roddy Piper beat me inside the cage. (I am the icon!)
I felt the diamond cutter of Diamond Dallas Page. (BANG!)
Wolfpack's Kevin Nash gave me, the jack knife, (in the house!)
While Scott Hall told the crowd there that they're 'for life'. (Hey, yo!)
Sting's scorpion death lock was all that I could stand.
I've even gotten beat up by Bischoff and McMahon.
Gettin' beat, is just too SWEET!

Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho Man. (Snap into a Slim Jim!)
Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho! (Who's next?)
Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho Man. (Dig it brotha!)
Macho, Macho Man! (Oooh Yeah!)
I want to wrestle Macho!

Luke Ski: ...And that's the bottom line, cause Luke Ski said so. And,

Macho Man: Hey you! Get over here you! I'm gonna bust into you like a Slim Jim, Oooh yeah!!!

Luke Ski: Uh, oh! Here comes Macho man running out of the back! He's got a chair! Uh, we're out of time! See you next week everybody!
Track Name: KramerCostanza
Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada,
Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada.

Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada,
Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada.

Jerry: "Do you have a 'Hello Newman'? Well, sir, there is a lot more to a 'Hello Newman' than meets the eye. You don't just, you don't just say 'Hello Newman'."

Well, now, allow me to explain,
About the four of New York urbane.
They mostly like to sit and complain,
Maybe it's because their life's so mundane,
Plain, inane, I said,
It's always about nothing, that is their refrain.
But still, Jerry, Kramer, George and Elaine,
Still got the crazy antics which will entertain,
Inside Jerry's cabinet, it does contain,
Frankenberry, Cheerios, Nutri-Grain.
Kramer's insane, George is lame (lame),
Elaine ended the Soup Nazi's reign.
They once had a contest to see who'd maintain,
No gratification that they must abstain,
In the end Jerry did remain,
The master of his domain.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Cosmo Kramer pays no fee.
Bustin' through the door, the man needs no key.
Eatin' all the food, so what is he?
Pimp mack hero of the bourgeoisie!
He's got a wooden statue of a Cherokee,
He'll make your likeness in macaroni,
And at Christmas time, you can plainly see,
He's got a Festivus pole, don't need no tree.
Jerry hears a knock, unfortunately,
Open the door, who could it be?
Newman next door addressee,
Mailman big as a manatee.
George lies his way into catastrophe,
Said he worked for Vandalay Industries,
I asked Elaine if she'd get with me,
She said I wasn't sponge-worthy!

Seinfeld: "First, you must open the door properly for Newman. You'll notice whenever I open the door for Newman is different from the way I open the door for everybody else. You want to get a wide swing, you want to open that door all the way, cause you want to REVEAL Newman, in all his Newman."

You see George Costanza in his Yankee's cap,
He got caught in a shrinkage trap,
His balding head is his handicap,
Teased the Bubble Boy until he made him snap.
Jerry's stand up is tip top,
George's relationships always flop,
Elaine dances the Jackass Bop,
Cosmo Kramer's been known to say:
"Erm...GIDDYUP!"
Tweety Pez Dispenser made Elaine flip,
Eats a big salad with dressing drip.
Won't spare a square of T.P. to rip.
On her Christmas card I saw her nip!
Come now to the restaurant see the clan,
Jerry Seinfeld is the man,
Boldly in the nightclub he will stand,
Like the S on the chest of Superman.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Kramer, Costanza, Elaine, and Jerry.
Elaine and Jerry, Kramer, Costanza.

Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada,
Yada yada yada, Yada yada yada...

Seinfeld: "And also you want to give him the opportunity to take his little step that he always does, right? And then when he comes in and he looks at you and he waits! He waits for his 'Hello Newman'. And he looks at you with those beady little eyes, and you must think of all the evil in them. And you must say to him 'Hello Newman.'"
Track Name: Titanic Monday
(*So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.* *It is unsinkable, God himself could not sink this ship.* *I don’t see what all the fuss is about.* *You can be blaze about some things Rose, but not about Titanic.* *We’re goin’ to America! Full house boys!* *I go to America! Ha ha!* *steam whistle*)

Left the port on Wednesday on a boat known as the ship of dreams.
My fiancée is so stuck up that by Friday I just wanted to scream.
Then Jack Dawson came and Sunday night was a paradise.
Twelve twenty-three that White Star ship hit thirty tons of ice. (*crash!*)

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
Got frozen like a Sunday.
Was not a fun day.
My ‘face-oblivion’ day.
It happened on Titanic Monday.

Despite all his years at sea, Captain Smith just had no clue.
If the ship itself proved one thing, it’s that breaking up is hard to do.
Now my life’s a movie making millions, but I don’t know why.
How many chick flicks have you seen where over fifteen hundred people die?
(*Is there anyone alive out there?*)

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
The rafts are overrun day.
Call 9-1-1 day.
They’re all as dead as Ghandi.
It happened on Titanic Monday.

All of first class had all their heads up their ass except old Molly Brown.
Life boat, might float
They don’t understand that, no ship plus no land equals, we all will drown.
Come on down!
Leonardo’s films all end the same. I betcha ‘Kenny’ is his real name.
Oh my god, they killed DiCaprio! You bastards!

I guess it was Titanic Monday.
I can’t think of a pun day.
Crocodile Dun-day.
Please help me Obi-Wan day.
It happened on Titanic Monday.
I should have drove a Hyundai.
Or wrestled King Kong Bundy.
Than shown up on Titanic Monday.

I’m king of the worl-blluubluulbululbullbbb…
Track Name: Back One Week To The Future
It’s been
One week since I arrived.
November 5th, 1955.
Seven days stuck in the past.
I sure hope my headphone batt’ries will last.
It’s been thirty years that I’ve traversed.
Trapped here in fifties, oh what a curse,
And I don’t know what happened to me.
There’s not much to do down here in Hill Valley.

Hello all, my name is Marty.
I like to party
Just like the year was 1985.
I like to rock around the clock,
Although right now I am in shock.
Because of Doc Brown, I am just lucky to be alive.
Doc had me meet him down at the mall.
His feat was not small,
And so, he told me the story then.
His invention was just too keen.
It’s a time machine,
And it was built from a DeLorean.
Gotta make a break and then escape.
Gotta push the car to eighty-eight.
It’s not an option man, I just got to go faster.
A van pulled up, and poor Doc Brown,
The Lybians, they gunned him down,
For their plutonium, to work the flux capacitor.
How can I help it that I have to live behind the times?
What made me show up that late night at Twin Pines?
I’m the kinda guy who sticks out like a sore thumb.
People assume I’m a sailor, that’s so dumb.
I have to find young Doc and have him fix the time machine.
I have to get myself back to the future.

It’s been one week since I found the Doc.
He assumed I was just a prank crock.
Seven days of culture clash.
To save my young father, I took a crash.
And then, my mom started to woo.
Nobody has got family ties like I do.
Played the dance, just like Sadies',
But all I want to do is get home to the eighties.

Doc: Great Scott!

Marty: Woah, woah, woah, Doc. Are you telling me I have to spend a week in 1955?

Doc: Yes Marty. So while I set up the lightning rod at the clock tower, you go make sure your mom and dad get together, or you’ll be erased from exsistence!

Marty: Oh, geez, this is heavy.

Doc: There’s that word again. "Heavy?"

Getting a gropin' from my young mother.
I possibly could be my own father.
Watchin Biff Tannen, who my dad fears.
He’s dumb as a steer.
“Make like a tree and get outta here.”
Like Crispin Glover, I’m going mad,
Because of my dad,
Because he suffers from low self-esteem.
Him and my mother gotta hook up,
Before my time’s up,
Because I’ll vanish like a cloud of steam.
Gotta play the guitar at the dance,
Just so my father has a chance
To spark the events that will lead up to their wedding.
Gotta play a tune that really moves,
Like Huey Lewis and The News,
Jammin’ rad tracks that make the kids dance and sing.
How can I help it that I have such a dorky dad?
When Biff went after my mom, he got real mad.
He took a swing and knocked him cold on the concrete.
Then kissed my mom, now my destiny's complete.
The best of luck to you, but I have really got to go.
My ride is leaving right at 10:04.

It’s been one week and I wanna leave.
I hope the Doc will read that note from me.
This is my one and only shot.
Voltage: one point twenty-one jigawatts.
There was a big blue electric flash,
Leave behind a pair of flaming tire tracks.
Now I’m back in my home you see,
In the eighties with my slightly improved family.

So come see part two next time at the movies.
So come see part three next time at the movies.
Robert Zemeckis made lots of money.
Track Name: Rocky Horror
(Spooky Sound Begins)
R: Hey there! Do you like transvestites?!
M: Yeah.
R: Do you like fishnets?!
M: Uh-huh.
R: Do you like Tipper Gore?!
M: Tss… No.
R: Good, cause you won’t find her here! This is the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
And for you, it’s only $5! Step right in!
M: Thanks.
R: Say no more virgin! Now, pull down your pants!

(Music Begins)
*SFX: Rain, Door*
Riff: Hello.
Brad: Hi. My name’s Brad Majors. This is my fiancée, Janet Weiss. I was wondering if you might help us.
Riff: You’re wet.
Janet: Yes… it’s raining.
*SFX: Rain, Thunder*
Riff: I think perhaps you’d better both… come inside.

Wu-Wugga-Woo-WAAAAAAAH! Welcome to the Rocky Horror
Picture Show! Say hello to the freaks and whores
and get popped, ya cherry virgin groupie!
[F: UHH!] Ohh! [F: UHH!] Ohh! [F: UHH!] Okay, start the movie.
Read my lips about an asshole who’s known as Brad.
The most uptight juggalo that Denton ever had,
and Janet, she’s got a broomstick handle sticking up her butt…
*I got it!* [SFX: -pop!] …we call her slut! [M: UHH!]
Chucky narrates the story, somewhere near a castle.
*Blam!* You know what that means? There went your tire, asshole!
Handyman Riff and Domestic Magenta said ‘Heck, we’ll help!’ *Or had they?*
Chuck! Bbbb! Where is your neck?!
Guess what? We’re all havin’ a party! So take a chance ‘n
see Columbia do a little folk dancin’.
Take your clothes off. There’s no need to worry.
Oh wait, who’s that? In the lift? Ahh! It’s Tim Curry! (-slam!)

*Sample from Shock Treatment*
R: Welcome to the Rocky Horror!
You’re in for a fright... You’re in for a fright… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby.
It will be all right… It will be all right… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby.
Meet a transvestite... Meet a transvestite… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby.
Each Saturday night… Each Saturday night… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby.

Janet: What kind of place is this?
Brad: Ah, It’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. (-slam!)

Frank hit the scene like a fairy Fred Estaire.
He made a monster who sports golden underwear.
He was a tanned and toned blonde by the name of “Rocky.”
[Frank: That’s no way for you to be acting on your first day out!] Sorry!
Look at Eddie. [M: What?] He thinks that he can kick it.
I’mma have to take that meatloaf and pick it! *splak!*
Soon it was bedtime, and sorta like Déjà vu,
Frank not only did Janet, he did Brad, too!
Rocky broke loose, looking for a skank.
He touched Janet in the fish tank!
If you’re down, shout, “Word to Richard O’Brien!”
Brad says “Great Scott”, then T.P. goes a flyin’!
[Beat Box] – I represent Riff Raff.
[Beat Box] – Magenta’s my sis.
[Beat Box] – We’re comin’ outta Southwest…
[Beat Box] – Denton, Bitch!
Dinner? Sure! The whole cast eats at eight.
‘Cept Eddie though, ‘cuz he’s sittin’ on your plate.
*I knew he was in with a bad crowd…* Who you talkin’ to?
Another planet, shmanet, Janet, dammit, AAH, FU- (-slam!)

*Sample from Shock Treatment*
R: Welcome to the Rocky Horror!
You’ll have a good laugh… You’ll have a good laugh… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby.
Chillin’ with Riff Raff… Chillin’ with Riff Raff… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby.
Columbia cried… Columbia cried… Come to see Rocky Horror, baby.
When Eddie got fried… When Eddie got fried… Welcome to the Rocky Horror, baby.

Janet: Look, I’m cold, I’m frightened, and I’m just plain scared!
Brad: I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about. (-slam!)

It’s… just… a jump… to the left…
Then take a step way over to the right-tah!
Put… your… hands… on your hips…
Then bring your KNEES in so very tight-tah!
Then… it’s… the pel… –vic thrust…
It really DRIVES yo-ou insa-ane!
Let’s… Do… the Time… Warp!…
Slam a can of Faygo – Do the Time Warp again!

Luke Ski’s down with the Seduction Production…
with Cindi, Zac, and Fanboy [M: What about ‘em?] Nuttin!
Frank set the stage. He gave each a feather boa.
And together they perform [THE FLOOR SHOW!]
Riff and Magenta’s had enough, so they pulled a switch.
Will poor Frankie go home? Ha-ha-ha-ha – NO!
They took the freak out, and flew the castle home.
Run along, stupid bitch, you can’t use the phone! (-slam!)

(Music Stops.)
R: Don’t let the door hit’cha where Frankfurter did’ja! Bitch! (-slam!)
*Sample – End of the Time Warp*
Track Name: Mystery Science Theatre Picture Show
(In the not too distant future next Sunday A.D.
God said let there be cheese and there was and it was good)

Dr. Forrester’s dream way down in deep thirteen
Execute his master plan (Master Plan!)
In green lab-coats with flare, a streak of white in his hair
And TV’s Frank his right hand man (Yay! TV’s Frank!)
Bad movies unfold for Mike Nelson and Joel
While they’re caught in a satellite can (Yay! Can!)
Needed a real head case shot them to (Where?!) outer space (Thank You!)
And this is how the credits ran

Mystery Science (la la la) Theater 3000
Dr. X (la la la)
Deep Space Hausen
See small droids watching (la la la) cheesy movies
Comedy Central (la la la) was really groovy
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the Mystery Science Theater Picture Show
(Tom Servo has no freaking neck!)

I know Gypsy and Cambot are not seen a whole lot
They’re helping the ship stay in flight (Eeh Eeh!)
And you know my heart sank when I saw Tv’s Frank
Fade away along with Torgo the White (Torgo! Torgo!)
Tom Servo and Crow both watch the show
while making quips known by their fans (Chief McCloud)
Dr. Forrester’s mad though, he’s not unlike Manos
He’s holding their fate in his hands, On The

Mystery Science (la la la) Theater 3000
Kim Cattrall (la la la) is quite arousing
The Oscar Academy (la la la) is not awarding
The movies made by (la la la) Burt I. Gordon
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
On The Mystery Science Theater Picture Show
With Tom Servo and Crow
On The Mystery Science Theater Picture Show
Thought up my Joel, from Minneso
On The Mystery Science Theater Picture Show
(Where’s The Best Place To Watch!)
In The Front Row
Let’s Go
To The Mystery Science Theater Picture Show
Track Name: Men In Black (Klaatu Barada Nikto)
Mork: Nanu Nanu.
Mars Attacks Aliens: Ack ack ack, ack ack ack, ack ack, ack ack.
Agent K: We are the best kept secret in the unverse. Our mission is to monitor extraterrestrial activity on earth. We are your best, last, and only line of defense. We work in secret, we exist in shadow...
Agent J: And we dress in black.

There's an organization that lives on the QT
That protects the nation from the space debris.
The Roswell types roam wild and free,
Unbeknownst to Mulder and Scully.
Pullin' out guns and glasses and flash bulbs,
Two men dressing in a monotone.
Alien scum, you better come in peace,
Or else you'll rest in pieces.

Men in Black!
Protecting you from what you don't know.
Men in Black!
See them impounding a UFO.
Men in Black!
Starring Will Smith and Mr. Tommy Jones.
Men in Black!
Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Woman from TDTESS: Gort, klaatu barada nikto.

Headquarters looks like big police station
with celebrities from the Alien Nation.
Marvin's doin' looney pratfalls,
Predators, Species, Coneheads, and Spaceballs.
Alf has got a really comfy spot
with Ripley. Yeah, believe it or not.
But My Favorite Martain is a real dork.
He's the man in the egg known as Mork from Ork.

Men in Black!
Tell E.T. he better phone home.
Men in Black!
Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Ash: Klaatu, barada, n-*cough cough cough cough*. Look maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basicly I said 'em, yeah.
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Life, don't talk to me about life.
Mork: Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.
Alf: I could use a little snack.
Beldar: Maintain low tones with me, maintian low tones.
Marvin the Martain: Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom.

From the celebration upon a movie screen,
To the Animation on Kids WB.
They got agents from A to Z,
who hip-hop dance and they get jiggy.
They went to South Park and met Cartman and then those
two turned the tables on his anal probe. (Cartman: Hey!)
The best two agents that you ever saw,
but that you never saw.

Men in Black!
Jake and Elwood meets Rambo.
Men in Black!
Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Ash: Klaatu... Barada... N-... Neck tie? Nocturne? Nickel? Noodle? It's an N word, it's definately an N word... It's DEFINATELY and N word.
Bill Paxton: That's it man, game over, man! Game over!
Track Name: You Might Be A Trekkie
AN IMPORTANT NOTE FROM LUKE SKI: I originally wrote this piece back in 1998. What it really should have been is "You Might Be A Fanboy", but at the time I felt that the mainstream public didn't know what the term 'fanboy' meant. So I used the term 'Trekkie' instead to be a catch-all term for fandom types. While part of me kind of thinks I should change it now that the mass populous for the most part knows what a 'fanboy' is, I kinda feel it's too late for that, so I'm going to leave it as it is (remember, Han shot first). I'm going to mostly base this transcript of the stand-up piece on the version I performed live at MarsCon 2006, which is on my DVD "The Ego Has Landed" (http://www.LukeSki.com) and available for MP3 download at the website of the Funny Music Project (http://www.TheFuMP.com). Furthermore, if you decide to copy and paste this and e-mail it to all your friends, I respectfully ask that you include the text from the entire page, including this blurb, so that everybody knows who wrote it and where they can find my CDs, DVD, MP3s, and other merch online. Thanks, and enjoy. ~ Luke Ski, Sept. 27, 2007
~~~
(Luke Ski speaks in a southern accent)
Yeeee-Hooo! How y'all doin' out there tonight? Make some noise, c'mon! (audience cheers) All right! How many "Star Trek" fans we got out there tonight? (audience cheers) Me too, I like "Star Trek", although I wouldn't exactly consider myself to be a Trekker, or a Trekkie. A lot of people ask me "Well, what's the difference between a Trekker and a Trekkie"? Well best I can tell, a Trekker is a "Star Trek" fan, and a Trekkie is someone who insists that you should be calling them a 'Trekker'. So... You groan now, but you'll be telling it to your friends tomorrow, I guarantee it. But nowadays, being a 'Trekkie' ain't just about "Star Trek", Hell no! Now, not only so you have to be into Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise, but also Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of the Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, Babylon Five, Farscape, Lost In Space, Hercules, Xena, comic books, action figures, role playing games, Hell, it's Fan-delirium out there! So now there's a lot of people walking around who just don't know if they're a Trekkie or not. So, I came up with this little test to help them out. Things like, uh...
If you've ever showed up for jury duty in a Starfleet uniform... You might be a Trekkie.
If you consider foam latex, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense... You might be a Trekkie.
If you claim to be the alien clone love child of Mulder and Scully.... And that's next week on Jerry Springer, by the way... You might be a Trekkie.
If you've ever woken up on a Sunday afternoon, in full costume, in a hotel lobby, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand... Well in that case you might be a Klingon, but uh, we won't get into that right now.
If you have a summer home in Roswell... You might be a Trekkie.
If your eight year old owns less toys than you do... You might be a Trekkie.
If you ever mugged someone for their Magic cards... You might be a Trekkie.
If your dice have more sides than a Denny's Menu... You might be a Trekkie.
If you go to the Renaissance Festival, and they won't let you leave... You might be a Trekkie.
If George Lucas asks you to proof read his scripts for continuity errors... (Luke Ski speaks in a higher-pitched southern accent, pretending to speak on the phone) Yeah, George, here on page 81, I just don't think Yoda would tell Obi-Wan to 'Get Jiggy Wit It'... And you're not serious about putting that Jar Jar character in there are you? You are? Well, you're the boss. GIT 'ER DONE! (back to previous voice)... You might be a Trekkie.
If you have ever attempted the Jedi Mind Trick at the drive-thru window... (Luke Ski switches back and forth between voices)
Beavis: That'll be $13.27 sir.
Obi-Wan: You won't be charging me for this food.
Beavis: I won't be charging you for this food.
Obi-Wan: And you won't skimp on the french fries.
Beavis: I won't skimp on the french fries.
Obi-Wan: And you'll give me all 32 of the collectible Star Wars toys at once.
Beavis: I...
Obi-Wan: Thank you, drive thru.
Beavis: Thank you, drive thru! Heh hmm heh, thank you drive thru!
Or, if you've ever had the Jedi Mind trick attempted on YOU at the drive-thru window, like this...
Watto: That'll be $13.27 sir.
Qui-Gon: These gift certificates will be fine.
Watto: No, they won't.
Qui-Gon: These gift certificates WILL be fine.
Watto: NO, they WON'T! Who do you think you are waving your hand around, Ronald McDonald? Get the Hell out of here!
...You might be a Trekkie.
If you ever tried to talk your way out of a speeding ticket by explaining to the officer that you're just an illusion created by the Matrix... (Luke Ski does Keanu voice) But officer, I had to keep driving faster than 50 miles an hour or my car would explode... You might be a most EXCELLENT Trekkie!
If any of your pets or children are named after Joss Whedon characters... Who made a mess on the carpet?! Kaylee Winnifred Summers! You better clean up after your dog right now! Bad dog! Numfar, do the dance of sadness! (Luke Ski dances like a dog doing the dance of sadness)... You might be a Trekkie.
If you ever set up a pup tent at 3 AM in front of Toys R Us... Those wave 13 Wookiees are mine!... You might be a Trekkie.
If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as the Duras Sisters... You might be a Trekkie.
If going to your room involves descending below ground level... You might be a Trekkie.
If you ever got drunk at a party, put a lampshade on your head, and walked around going "Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"... You might be a Trekkie.
If you claim to be the eleventh incarnation of Doctor Who... You might be a Trekkie.
If the bingo caller yells "B-5" and you say, "Shoot! I forgot to set my TiVo!"... You might be a Trekkie.
If you ever had your girlfriend dress up as Xena, or your boyfriend dress up as Gabrielle... You might be a Trekkie.
And finally, if Leonard Nimoy has ever said a sentence that contained both your name and the phrase "restraining order", you just might be a Trekkie!
Thank you very much! Live long and perspire, y'all!
~~~
http://www.LukeSki.com for more fannish comedy by the great Luke Ski.
~~~
Track Name: What's Up Spock - Deep Space '99 Remix
(*michigan scratch* *Answer me one question!*)
Is the Federation in the house?!?! Aw, yeah! I want all the Klingons in the house to say HO! We're gonna kick it Roddenberry style, here we go!

Can we rock? What's up, Spock?
Can we rock? What's up, Riker?
Can we rock? What's up, Quark?
Can we rock? What's up, Doctor?

Captain's log. It's time to be beginnin', this five year mission.
I am Captain James T. Kirk.
Spock is a Vulcan so his actions are logical and swift
and 'dammit' Bones is a doctor, not a forklift.
Check this out y'all. Sulu warp factor two.
Chekov and Uhura are my senior bridge crew.
Don't play me like a punk, like a tribble or a Klingon.
Scotty's on the ship, so that he can help me beam on.
I'm tellin' all the Romulans and aliens to listen to these soliloquies.
What? Now I'm makin' lots of movies.
Search for Spock? On the floor he's steppin',
but I can't dance like a Genesis weapon.
Back to the T.V. show, I don't know the reason
why a five year mission only lasted three seasons?
Oh no! For goodness sakes, the ratings high? I'm off.
You off? N-B-C ya! Bye!

Can we rock? What's up, Spock?
Can we rock? What's up, Spock?
Can we rock? What's up, Spock?
Can we rock? What's up, Spock?

I got the show back on the air! You what? I did! I did!
Except this is a newer version for Next Generation kids.
I'm on the Starship E-N-T-E-R, P-R-I-S-E,
a-with the number N-C-C-one-seven-zero-one-D.
It's a hundred years later, it's a thousand man crew,
it's a good thing for me my staff knows what to do. Engage!
Wesley Crusher is not older but he's wiser.
Down in engineering Geordi is my technical ad-visor.
I go see Deanna, she's a shrink and a psych-er.
When it comes to Troi, all the boys, they will like her.
Especially my Number One, Commander Riker.
Got a beard like a stud, and a bod like Formica.
Doctor Crusher is a humanitarian,
And Klingon Worf says 'I am not a merry man!'
So who is the Captain in your neighborhood?
I guess that would be me! Can't you see? I'm chillin' in the center seat?
Cause I, am Jean-Luc Picard,
And if you think that I'm Locutus then you're one of the Borg.
Cause I drink my earl-grey and it's lemon meringue-ey.
I'm makin' more profits than any Ferengi.
Chillin' on the holodeck, I'm calm and I'm serene.
And word to Tasha Yar, I'm headin' for the big screen,
because I'm Deep Space Nine-in', chillin' with Guinan,
Makin' lots of Whoopi while my bald head is shinin',
and I've got the world's best android calculator, named
dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna Data!
His body's bionic. His brain's positronic.
Compared to Mr. Data, Albert Einstein's moronic.
I'm the big bad baldie of the whole Federation,
and I'll rock Q from here, to Farpoint Station!

Can we rock? What's up, Riker?
Can we rock? What's up, Riker?
Can we rock? What's up, Riker?
Can we rock? What's up, Riker?

Rip in the worm hole! Uh, oh. Oh, no!
Relax and you'll be fine here on Deep Space Nine.
Now Bajor is nearer, with Colonel Kira
orderin' more than, the av-er-age Bajoran.
Quark is too quick, yo he's slick like Crisco.
Fortunately, I am Captain Sisko.
I got a shapeshifter named Odo at my side,
He'll kick Quark's butt all over the promenade!
AH-ha-ha-HA! Chief Miles O'Brien.
His expertise flies the ship Defiant.
An adventure? Doc Bashir will be in it,
With an ol' man Dax, you know she's a Trill a minute!
I got my son Jake, and he's hangin' with Nog,
a shrimpy little troll, like Kermit the Frog.
I got more class than Cardassians, and I cannot
be the one to go out like Gul Dukat.
Been hollin' nine-eleven since Wolf three-five-nine
and it's so scary! Roddenberry! Word to Kai Opacca! Can I rock-a?!

What's up, Quark? and
Can we rock? What's up, Quark?
Can we rock? What's up, Quark?
Can we rock? What's up, Quark?

Holo-Doc's attitude could be nicer,
But still I gotta say to him, 'Hail Lord Schweitzer!'
So Voyager's fine, with that Borg babe of mine,
known an Seven-Of-Nine, assimilation's divine!
Neelix, cookin' up the soup du-jour
for Security Vulcan Tuvok 'Shakur'.
Chakotay helps me to adapt.
and Ensign Harry Kim is always getting kidnapped.
The pilot Tom Paris is an egotist-er.
Went out with both of the Delaney sisters.
And I'm sure he'll wanna, get with Be'lanna,
Torres Klingon-a, tryin' to reach nirvana.
Searchin' and scannin' and cavortin',
If we wanna get somewhere, then we better start warpin'.
Captian Janeway's in command at the U-P-N.
Stay tuned, up next is 'Platypus Man!'

Can we rock? What's up, Doctor?
Can we rock? What's up, Doctor?
Can we rock? What's up, Doctor?
Can we rock? What's up, Doctor?

I'm the ruler, the master, the universe blaster.
I'll take the Enterprise to the edge of disaster.
In other words, you better start beggin' you humans.
Because I'm 'Q' from the Q Continuum.
Forget Jean and Kathy, I'm the man.
When it comes to power, I just wave my hand.
I'll turn Jean-Luc Picard into a doggie.
And then he will be barkin', into his Captain's loggie.
Forget those other guys, they're not important.
Kathy, Jim, and Jean, and Benji, - Q is omnipotent!
Damn I gotta scram, because you win, Mon Ca-pee-tin,
But I will not promise never to appear again.

*fwash!* What's up, Q?
Can we rock? What's up, Quark?
Can we rock? What's up, Riker?
Can we rock? What's up, Spock?

Aw yeah! Star Trek, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Q Continuum style! Live long and prosper! We outta here! See ya!

Parody lyrics by 'the great Luke Ski', © Luke Sienkowski, 1994 - 2004
Track Name: Resistance
Reluctantly crouched,
In the captain's chair,
Brooding and moody,
He has no hair.
Pointlessly scanning,
The Neutral Zone.
"To hell with our orders,
Mr. Data, make it so!"

Worf swiftly maneuvers,
And blows them to hell,
Fuel burning fast
From a warp nacelle,
The mission of Borg,
To assimilate man
But it came to a halt
When Picard took command.

Explosive payback,
For Wolf 359,
But some escaped,
And they went back in time,
Now the future is altered,
Except for one man
Who will chase them,
Erase them,
As fast as he can.

He hunted them down,
Then he blew their ship up,
He's standing there sipping Earl Gray from his cup,
But he's hearing their voices,
It fills him with guile,
He'll show them it sure as hell
Ain't futile!

Cochrane: Let's rock and roll!

He's showing Resistance,
He's showing the Queen
That all the Borg (all the Borg)
Don't amount to a hill of beans.

Because he's racing,
And chasing,
And plotting the course,
He's styling,
Profiling,
And fighting all the Borg.
He's showing Resistance.

THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERE!

Picard: "They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. The line must be drawn here!"

No Zephram,
No warp drive,
No Starfleet,
No Earth,
We're fighting for our life
Way before our birth.
The Borg think that they've got a license to kill
But Jean Luc will tell them,
To suck his Dixon Hill.

Meanwhile on the surface,
The rock and roll played,
Troi's hoping in time
Her hangover will fade.
Geordi's working,
Rebuilding
The Phoenix's warp,
While Barkley is spazzing
And acting like a dork.

Now Data got captured,
The Queen has got plans,
She's trying really hard
To get into his pants.
And he's nervous
And anxious
And filling with fears,
So would you
If you hadn't done it
In eight years.

Queen: "Far too long."

But he's showing resistance,
He's showing the Queen,
He doesn't go
WINK WINK
NUDGE NUDGE
You know what I mean?
Because he's quipping
Encrypting
Avoiding the morgue.
He's solving,
Evolving,
Dissolving all the Borg.
He's racing and chasing
And plotting the course,
Picard is styling
Profiling
And fighting all the Borg.
He's showing resistance.
He's showing the Queen.
He's showing resistance.

Queen: "I am the beginning. The end. The one who is many. Watch your future's end."
Data: "Resistance is futile."
Picard: "NO!"

(Lo) 8 years (Cutus) 7 months
(Of) 16 days (Borg) 4 minutes

Data: "8 years, 7 months, 16 days, 4 minutes, 22 seconds"

22 seconds.


(Transcribed by Tony Troxell. Thanks!)
Track Name: Star Wars Trilogy Homesick Blues
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
1, 2, 3, 4!

Leia's on the spaceship,
facin' lots of hardship,
I'm on the farm tip,
scoopin' up a cow chip,
a droid like a trash can,
protocol gold man,
said they got a message and
they gotta find old Ben.
Look out Luke,
This isn't a fluke.
Ben met Han,
so we went to Alderaan,
in the Millennium Falcon,
but the whole planet's gone.
A man in big black mask,
The Death Star's on.
Darth Vader rules,
like a Corleone space don.

Sneak around, light foot,
Leia's lookin' real good.
Obi got killed, put
plans in the droid, but
We snuck out, got away,
Took a shot at the array,
Blew the damn thing away.
Hip hop hooray!
Look out Luke,
you're hearing a spook.
Leia, Han, Chewbacca,
and C3PO are
running from the Empire,
I listen to Obi Wan.
Go to Dagobah,
go see Yoda.
You do need a wise old man
who sounds just like Grover.

(Near... Faaaaaaar!)

Get trained, get well,
livin' in a stinkwell,
see the future, do tell,
Han says "I'll see you in Hell".
Froze tight in carbonite,
backfired the scam
That Lando planned.
Meet your Dad and lose a hand.
Look out Luke,
put up your duke.
Jabba's Cabaret,
the Lard Block Cafe.
Caught me takin' Han away.
A Monster in the desert,
is lookin for a dessert.
I'm not a souffle.
I blew them all to Bombay.

Endor decor,
Trees, rocks, Ewoks.
Emperor said this, get pissed,
fight or we'll persuade sis.
Terminate the new Star, Dad switched.
Han got the princess.
Twenty years of movies
and they put us on VHS.
Look out Lucas,
Don't ever rebuke this.
Made a couple sequels,
raves from all peoples,
action figure heapfulls,
fling like seagulls.
To the past we must forge
so we put George
Lucas back to work.
Because the weasel's makin' prequels!

May the force be with you always.
Track Name: Bad Bad Boba Fett
Well a long time ago,
In a galaxy far away,
There was no evil greater
Than the man Darth Vader
And his Empire was here to stay.

Now Vader,
Needed some help,
Ya see, he's searching for his long lost son,
In the whole Empire,
Found the man he'd hire,
Jabba's Number One hired gun.

He was bad, bad Boba Fett.
The best bounty hunter you ever met
He ransomed off poor old Han
Help, help me Obi Wan.

Now Boba,
Tailed the Falcon,
To the Cloud City with ease,
And then just like fate,
Boba had Luke's bait
So they threw Han in the Carbon Freeze.

He's got a jet pack, armor and rifle,
He's got the Slave One to help him stalk,
He's got websites to scan,
He's got millions of fans,
He's got four lines of dialogue.

He was bad, bad Boba Fett.
The best bounty hunter you ever met
He ransomed off poor old Han
Help, help me Obi Wan.

Well Boba,
Got paid Han's bounty,
Cause Jabba set a hefty price,
And at the edge of the lair,
Sat a slave named Leia,
And Ooh! That girl looks nice!

Then when Luke came,
To the rescue,
Jabba,
Threw a fit.
Boba Fett and his henchmen
Led a quick apprehension
And took them,
The Sarlaac Pit.

He was bad, bad Boba Fett.
The best bounty hunter you ever met
He ransomed off poor old Han
Help, help me Obi Wan.

Well when Boba,
He flew over,
To fight Han during Luke's attack,
He took a wack in the back,
Flew off track,
He went smack!
And then he ended up a Sarlaac snack!

He was bad, bad Boba Fett.
The best bounty hunter you ever met
He ransomed off poor old Han
Help, help me Obi Wan.

He was bad, bad Boba Fett.
The best bounty hunter you ever met
He ransomed off poor old Han
Help, help me Obi Wan.

I hope to see him back in Chapter One,
If not, his saga's done.
Track Name: Y.O.D.A.
Whoa man! Found out Vader's my dad.
I say, oh man! Han got stuck in a slab,
but I saved him… and my friends from Jabba.
There's no need to be unhappy.
And now, there's a place I must go.
Keep a promise… to a guy you all know,
and I'll show him, I meant it when I said, I
would Return of the Jedi.

(Spoken:) "Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"

I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
He knows everything about wrong and right.
You can become a Jedi knight.
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
To avoid the dark side is the path he'll endorse,
He'll teach you to use the force.

"Young man, listening to me are you?"
He said, "young man, I'm nine hundred and two."
He said, "young man, you need no more training,
But you got to do this one thing:
Vader… You must face him you see,
And only then, a Jedi will you be."
Then his last words were a real shocker.
"There is another Skywalker."

(Spoken:) Leia's my sister?

I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
He knows everything about wrong and right.
You can become a Jedi knight.
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
To avoid the dark side is the path he'll endorse,
He'll teach you to use the force.

Next came, a very big surprise.
Poor old Yoda, who's so old and so wise,
He just faded right before my own eyes
like he was beamed on the Enterprise.
That's when Obi-Wan came to me
And said, young man, go get Vader for me
and George Lucas. Re-release it for yuks,
make four-hundred-million more bucks!

(Spoken:) "Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!"

I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
He can make some more cash, for George Lucas's bank.
He has all the fanboys to thank.
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! "Woo hoo hoo hoo!
Don't underestimate all the things you can do,
And may the force be with you!"
…Y.O.D.A.!
I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.!

(Spoken:) "Woo hoo hoo! Macho, macho man! A macho man, want to be I! Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!…"