Too Much Stuff

by the great Luke Ski

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about

Do you have too much stuff? No, I don't mean all those boxes and bags full of comic books and action figures that are stacked up within six feet of your computer. I'm talking about the 9th full-length comedy album by the great Luke Ski, "Too Much Stuff." Not only does it have the title track which is one of the most popular songs of 2009 on the Dr. Demento Show, but it also has tracks about the new Star Trek movie, Lost, horror movie icons (Freddy, Jason, Chucky, etc.), the Transformers, tributes to Tom Lehrer, the Wisconsin Dells, and Stephen Colbert, and much more. Featuring appearances by Carrie Dahlby, Insane Ian, Devo Spice and Tom Smith. Buy this album so you too can have Too Much Stuff!

credits

released August 13, 2009

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about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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Track Name: Too Much Stuff
Too Much Stuff
An original hip-hop song about having too much stuff.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski
Verse 1:
It all started so innocently
with a gift for my birthday when I was just three.
Someone got me my own Snoopy doll.
Then Linus and Lucy, I had to have them all.
I made it my mission to collect all the Peanuts.
With Charlie Brown missing, it was driving me nuts.
Collection complete, breathed a sigh of relief,
but I had to have more. Charlie Brown: Oh, good grief!
Thirty years later, I can't stop acquiring.
Retail therapy can be quite inspiring,
I grab these great things, take them back to my place,
and they occupy every last square inch of space.
At flea markets you can find lawn ornaments,
and at discount stores like "Everything's Nine Cents",
eight seasons of "Wings", all on VHS?
At these prices, who wouldn't say yes? Napoleon Dynamite: YESSS!
At Goodwill I nicked Greatest Hits by Styx.
At Garage sales you'll find so many great picks.
Some secondhand trousers not worn since the eighties.
Put 'em on and I'm like, 'Hey Ladies!'. Valley girl: Eww, grody!
I scour the junkyards, it gives me such pleasure,
to dive in a dumpster and find a new treasure.
Taking junk off the street to you might seem brash.
All I say is "I love trash!" Oscar: Now scram!
It's a drag when people nag me about all the stuff I snag
and save but I still brag about my awesome swag,
like old 4-H ribbons, used license plate tags,
and I keep them in packages, boxes, and bags!
I've saved everything that I've ever owned, and in my home
I have to move big piles around just to answer the phone.
So because I never throw anything away,
my life has become a George Carlin cliché!
Chorus 1:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! I fail at file.
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! And I have for a while.
I say I don't have the time, but now you're calling my bluff,
Cleaning up is a pain when you got TOO MUCH STUFF!
Verse 2:
The other day playing with a new prize
while sitting on some books on how to organize.
A camera crew busted in and started to get ill,
led by Dr. Phil, who got all up in my grill.
"Now Luke, we can see you're a compulsive hoarder,
who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder.
This goes way beyond being a clutterbug.
You've got three feet of items beneath your throw rug!
Your chronic disorganization is a symptom-"
Yeah whatever, check out all my action figures of the Simpsons!
All lined up in order. Oh, don't you just love it?
I could recreate "300" and have them fight the Muppets!
Kermit: This is Sparta! Yaaay! "You need to reduce
the amount of possessions that you don't need or use,
like this box last decade's old phone bills from college."
Hey you never know, I still might need that knowledge!
"Your difficulty discarding has got to give,
and your complex sorting strategy is too elaborative.
You over-categorize in a cumbersome way."
And I was like, "Uh..." What the Hell did he say?!
"Before you run off to your next convention, pay attention,
'cause this here is an intervention, and I should mention
that most think you're a lazy slob and it's the job
of me and my mob to rob you of each last thingamabob."
Hey, you! Leave that all alone!
Do I take your grade school bowling trophies out of your home?
I know where everything is in my makeshift storage areas,
like keeping my federal tax returns inside these cat carriers. Cat: Meow!
It's all sentimental to me, it's meant to be,
I consider my stuff the source of my identity.
To be complete I gotta keep it, can't you all see?
I'm down with O.C.D.! Yeah you know me!
Chorus 2:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! But I'm doing just fine.
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Don't touch that, it's mine!
Try to take it away, and things are gonna get rough,
Cause I'll smack you if you try take my TOO MUCH STUFF!
Verse 3:
I'm a pack rat. I got vast stacks full of knick knacks.
A hat rack with a Brak hat full of Apple Jacks,
an anorak almanac from Iraq,
and an original Masters of the Universe Attack Trak.
Hey! Stand back! You can't have that! Are you wack?
Check my Cracker Jack flack jacket with a matching backpack,
an 8-track of Love Shack sung by Jack Black,
and a postcard… from my Uncle Travelin' Matt!
I'm a victim of my own creativity.
I don't want to be wasteful, it's my responsibility
to the planet to be green, isn't it keen?
That's why I have broods of toilet paper tubes in my washing machine.
Here's a box of old TV Guides
with variant Star Trek covers like Seven of Nine,
Dax, and T'Pol with her hot pointy years!
"Have you even looked at these in the past five years?"
Well, NO, but at con dealer tables
I've seem 'em for sale as collector value-ables!
I'll put 'em on eBay, I'm sure that they'll sell.
Oh God, maybe I do need help. Aaahhh…
Wait a smidge, what's this in the fridge?
Junk mail from A-1 Storage, ask for Midge?
Twenty trips in my car back and forth oughta do it.
My stuff could all live in a new storage unit! Butthead: Uh-huh, UNIT.
Plenty of spaces in several sizes,
So I don't have to curb my acquiring vices.
I can continue to live in denial for a monthly fee?
That's for me! I'm finally free! Ha ha ha haaaa!!!
Out of sight, out of mind, it won't happen again.
Now I gotta hit Wal-Mart, it opens at ten.
"Transformers 2" sucks more than you can all fathom,
But the toys just came out AND I JUST GOTTA HAVE 'EM!
Starscream: PATHETIC FOOLS, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
Chorus 3:
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Empty boxes of Eggos!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! All my childhood Legos!
If you give me some guff, I'll kick you out on your duff,
Because I'll never have enough! I got TOO MUCH STUFF!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Rush concert bootlegs!
I got TOO MUCH STUFF! Ancient easter eggs!
You can huff and can puff, and you can act really gruff,
If you don't like it, that's tough! I got TOO… MUCH… STUFF!
Outro:
The Junk Lady from "Labyrinth": Oh, what have we got here? Oh, your little bunny rabbit. You like your little bunny rabbit. Don't you? Yes! There's Betsy Bou! You remember Betsy Bou don't you? Yes. Oh, it's a pencil box. Got lots of pencils in it too, and, oh! Here's your panda slippers. You know how much you love your panda slippers. You never wanted them thrown away, did you? Oh, it's little Horsey. You love little Horsey, don't you dear? You got a printing game, you have! Oh, here's a treasure. Here's dear old Flopsy. You'll want her. Charlie Bear. Right. There's Charlie Bear for you…
(fade out, the end)
Track Name: My Favorite Part
My Favorite Part
An original love song from a pop-culture addict.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski, Music by Tom Smith
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski


Remember the part in "Ghostbusters" when,
Peter Venkman said about the phantasm,
"He's an ugly little spud", and a few moments later,
He got covered in ectoplasm. [Slimer: (Slimer gibberish)]
"He slimed me" he said, with annoyance and dread,
On the floor rolling 'round in the goo.
The way I feel about that scene, within the rest of the film,
Is the same way I feel about you.

See, life's like a movie, or a comic book issue,
Or some T.V. you always record.
Some parts are painful, and others depressing,
And some parts, they just leave you bored.
But some parts are so good, that if only you could,
You'd fast-forward right there from the start.
And in the picture show that is my life,
You're my favorite part.
You're my favorite part.

I'll fight for your love, like the "Three Amigos",
When with El Guapo they did scuffle. [Three Amigos: (salute)]
You make my soul dance, just like the time Chunk
In "The Goonies" did the truffle shuffle. [Chunk: (does theTruffle Shuffle)]
My life was so blue, I felt Terminated Too.
There was nothing left for me to give. [Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby.]
I was down on the floor, when you reached out your hand, and said,
"Come with me, if you want to live."
Like "Spaceballs" I need you at ludicrous speed,
Even though that's not really smart. [Yogurt: May the Schwartz be with you!]
In the story arc that is my life,
You're my favorite part.

[Danny Vermin from "Johnny Dangerously":
You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!]

I'd follow you with a passion, just like "Billy Madison"
Chased an imaginary penguin. [Billy Madison: Call the zoo!]
I'm feeling so good inside, if I had the remote I'd,
Skip back and watch it again, Skip back and watch it again,
Skip back and watch it again, Skip back and watch it again…

You set my life's tempo, like when on "Wayne's World"
Garth Algar rocks out on his tom-toms. [Wayne & Garth: Schwing!]
And on Sesame Street, if I was Cookie Monster,
I'd eat you up, all like 'om-nom-nom'! [Cookie Monster: Om-nom-nom-nom-nom!]
You pulled me out of a trench, when some taunter who's French,
At my life catapulted a cow. [French Taunter: Your mother was a hamster!]
But like John Astin said, guest starring on Night Court,
"…But I'm feeling much better now."
You're my own Rosebud sled, Please be my Bill & Ted,
I'll be your Napoleon Bonaparte. [Bill & Ted: Excellent!]
In the film franchise that is my life,
You're my favorite part.

When I'm holding your hand, I'm in my own Wonderland,
You're my Alice, and I'm your Mad Hatter. [Mad Hatter: Don't let's be silly!]
If people tell us our faults, I'll quote the movie "Meatballs", and say
"It just doesn't matter, It just doesn't matter, [Campers: …It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter, It just doesn't matter!" It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!]

You're my Wonder Woman, my Elasticgirl
I'm your Sideshow Bob and Quagmire. [Quagmire: Heh-heh, all right!]
This simple young Butthead has seizures like Beavis,
Because you set my heart on fire! [Beavis: FIRE! FIRE! YEAH! FIRE!][Butthead: (laughs)]
If it would make you be mine, just like in "Young Frankenstein",
'Puttin' on the Ritz!' I would holler. [Igor: Frau Blucher!] [Horse whinnys]
And when guys ogle you, I'd quote that RoboCop dude and say,
"I'd buy that for a dollar!"
Oh, this media fan was once a needier man,
'Til I found a living work of art.
In the omnibus that is my life,
You're my favorite part.

You're a Moe's Tavern prank call from Bart,
You're my favorite part. [Moe: Is there a 'Bo Nerr' here?][Bart: (laughing)]
You're a "Blazing Saddles" campfire fart,
You're my favorite part. [Sheriff: 'Scuse me while I whip this out!][Gasp!]

You're the leading lady who stole my heart…
…You're my favorite part.
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - We're Goin' To The Dells (The Wisconsin Dells)
“We're Goin’ To The Dells (The Wisconsin Dells)”
An original rap song about the Wisconsin Dells
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
©2009 Luke Sienkowski


Aw yeah, it's that time of year again! Awww…

The Wisconsin Dells! I can’t even begin
To describe all of the awesomeness contained within.
It’s the Waterpark Capital of the nation.
It’ll flat-out rock you like a sandstone formation.
I’ll ride the Karts at Riverview Park,
Then cruise down Highway 12 and hit Noah’s Ark.
I’m the Big Kahuna, take the Plunge and then,
I’ll say “Lets do the Time Warp again!” and again!

It’s the tourist trap of the sesquicentury,
And I’ll sentimentally tell ya what it’s meant to me.
Old Fort Dells, we were grade school sentries.
Me and Sis, Mom and Dad, decades of memories.
Clownin’ around at Circus World in Baraboo.
No matter where you go, they always take care of you.
So I’m bringin’ all my friends to show ‘em what they got,
Before they col’ disappear, like the Wonder Spot!

"We're goin to the Dells! The Wisconsin Dells!",
From St. Paul to Chicago, everybody yells.
From the Upper to the Lower to the Downtown strip!
Each and every year, it's our favorite trip!
We're goin' to the Dells! Gonna have some fun.
200 water slides in the Midwest sun.
The Wisconsin Dells, I found a slice of Heaven,
Off of 90/94 on Exit 87!

Spend a weekend there, and you’ll never be sorry.
You can play the arcades, droppin’ quarters in Atari.
At Big Sky Drive-In your ceiling is starry.
Pirate’s Cove Mini Golf, where the staff is all “ARR!”-y.
I used visit reptiles at Serpent Safari,
Now I’m a Flowrider at the Kalahari.
I’m a Master Blaster jet slide disaster,
You know I’m never slower, I always scream “fasteeeeer!”

Ladies and gentlemen of every age go
To the Tommy Bartlett Ski, Sky, and Stage Show.
Water skiing stunts, they all know their role,
Singin’ songs like the Bailey’s Landing Troll. [Satchmo: “It’s a wonderful world!”]
I don’t drive a Prius or an SUV truck,
I bought an Original Wisconsin Duck.
Go wherever I want, over land and stream,
In my all-terrain, I reign supreme!

"We're goin to the Dells! The Wisconsin Dells!",
From St. Paul to Chicago, everybody yells.
From the Upper to the Lower to the Downtown strip!
Each and every year, it's our favorite trip!
We're goin to the Dells! Gonna have some fun.
200 water slides in the Midwest sun.
The Wisconsin Dells, paradise is mine,
Off of 90/94 on Exit 89!

Here I STAND and ROCK with the message I've told,
Before you leave for a Vacation from your friendly abode,
Be sure to heed the words of this Cheesehead ode,
When you’re heading down that Holiday Road!
To Wisconsin -

[Carrie & Luke singing chorus to the tune of “Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham from the movie “Vacation”]
De-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ells! Wisconsin De-e-e-e-e-e-ells!
Everybody in the place to be, come on, come on!
Wisconsin De-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ells! Wisconsin De-e-e-e-e-e-ells!
Oh we're not done yet!

After Mount Olympus coasters loop-de-loop,
Lunch at the Moose Jaw, have some Beer Cheese Soup.
Then Robot World, do some robo-rabble-rousin'
So I can see what it's like "In the year Two-Thousand!"
The gamblers? Ho-Chunk is where they go,
Where maybe they'll win a (Win a? Win a!) WINNEBAGO!
All the gift shops? Hey, you know it's on.
The finest Cherokee souvenirs made in Taiwan.

I’m-a eat more cheese than a Glockenspiel mouse,
And at the House on the Rock, I’m gonna rock the house!
Crash at Carousel Inn, where the pool is so gnarly.
“We’ll go to Candy Mountain, Charlie!” [Charlie: “Ahh! My kidney!”]
My girl went to Extreme World, used the bungee grapple,
So we’ll get hitched at the Dells Bells Wedding Chapel!
[Girl: “WHAT?!”] ‘Sokay babe, we’re on our Honeymoon,
Singin’ Karaoke at the Showboat Saloon!

"We're goin to the Dells! The Wisconsin Dells!",
From St. Paul to Chicago, everybody yells.
From the Upper to the Lower to the Downtown strip!
Each and every year, it's our favorite trip!
We're goin to the Dells! Gonna have some fun.
200 water slides in the Midwest sun.
The Wisconsin Dells, you'll find Nirvana too,
Off of 90/94 on Exit 92!

"We're goin to the Dells! The Wisconsin Dells!",
From St. Paul to Chicago, everybody yells.
From the Upper to the Lower to the Downtown strip!
Each and every year, it's our favorite trip!
We're goin to the Dells! Gonna have some fun.
200 water slides in the Midwest sun.
The Wisconsin Dells, livin' live like a sultan.
When you're chillin' ON A BOAT, on the new Lake Delton!

We're goin to the Dells!
We're goin to the Dells! (continues to repeat)

The Wisconsin Dells! Hey, did we miss the breakfast buffet at Paul Bunyan's Cook Shanty? Well, then we can hit the Pizza Pub. Oh wait, here comes the dog part, that's my favorite part! It goes, "Arf arf, arf! Arf arf, arf! Arf arf, arf! Arf arf, arf!" (continues to repeat)

(fade out)
Track Name: The Dada Slide
The Dada Slide
An original group dance tune by the great Luke Ski
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


It's time to dance!… Dance! Everybody to the dance floor!

Everybody to the dance floor, time to dance.
If you really wanna dance, then clap your hands!
Everybody to the dance floor, time to dance. [hands clap to the beat]
If you really wanna dance, then clap your hands!

All right now, this first part of this dance we call the Earth Walk.
You heard of the Moon Walk? Well this is the Earth Walk. It goes like this:

Put your right foot forward.
Put your left foot forward.
Put your right foot forward.
Put your left foot forward.

See? It looks just like you're walking on the Earth!
Now do it double time, and add a turn around at the end, and it goes like this:

Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn around!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn around!

Now scream! (aaah!)
Everybody scream! (aaah!)

Household use only. Caution, do not immerse in water.
Warning, to prevent electrical shock unplug before cleaning.
That was a shout-out to all the toaster-owners in the house.

The next part of the dance is called the Happy Cow.
First you gotta hunch over and make your fingers into horns. And then you do this:

Tip to the left,
Say "MOO!" (Moo!)
Tip to the right,
Say "I'm a happy cow!" (I'm a happy cow!)

Now you got it, do it double time, here we go, here we go!

Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)
Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)

Earth Walk!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn around!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn!

Everybody scream! (aaah!)
Just scream! (aaah!)

Everybody gargle Cher!
[For 4 measures, we hear four people gargling Cher songs
simultaneously, in particular we hear "Do You Believe In Life After Love"]

Remember, I am the originator of the Dada Slide.
If anybody tells you different, fart in their face,
and have their name legally changed to
"Gladys The Barbarian".

Now this is the tricky part of the dance.
We call it the Virtual Hambone. Pay really close attention. Here we go:

Both hands out front,
Spread your fingers like that,
Pretend you're at a keyboard,
Go 'Clacky clack clack'! (Clacky clack clack!)
Then clap your hands, [clap]
Quick left knee slap, [slap]
Quick right knee slap, [slap]
Then another clap! [clap]

Then you put it all together, double time, and it goes like this:
Clacky clack clack!
Clap-a-slap-slap! [Clap-a-slap-clap]
Clacky clack clack!
Clap-a-slap-slap! You! [Clap-a-slap-clap]
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]

Happy Cow!
Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)
Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)

Earth Walk!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn around!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn!

Everybody scream! (aaah!)
One more time! Scream! (aaah!)

Hey, has anybody seen my car keys?
It's got a key chain of My Little Pony on it.
Oh wait, they're in my pocket. Nevermind.
Okay, here we go y'all.

Now this is the part of the dance called the Hyperactive Flamingo.
You heard me right, Hyperactive Flamingo. It's real simple.

Right hand in the air,
Now make a beak,
Put your left hand back,
Grab one of your feet.

Now hop one time! [1 musical sting]
Now hop two times! [2 musical stings]
Now hop three times! [3 musical stings]
Now hop twenty-seven times! [27 musical stings]

…Keep going… …Almost there!...

Scream! (aaah!)
Let me hear you scream! (aaah!)

Everybody vote Republican!
[For 4 measures, we hear four different fuddy-duddy
murmuring voices saying why people should vote for
Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, etc.,
simultaneously.]

Okay, now's the time when we take everything you learned,
and bring it all together. Do the Dada Slide! Are you ready? Here we go!

Earth Walk!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn around!
Right foot, left foot,
Right, left, turn!

Happy Cow!
Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)
Tip to the left, (Moo!)
Tip to the right, (I'm a happy cow!)

Virtual Hambone!
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]
(Clacky clack clack!) [Clap-a-slap-clap]

Hyperactive Flamingo!
Hop 16 times! [16 musical stings]
…Yeah! Now you're all doing the Dada Slide!...

Everybody scream! (aaah!)
I wanna hear you scream! (aaaaah!!)
Come on and scream! (aaaaaaah!!!)
I said scream! (AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!)

[At this point we hear TV's Kyle, Insane Ian, Soggy Potato Chips,
and Odd Austin begging to be released from the crazy person
who has them held captive in a pit in the basement of his house.
This lasts through the rest of the song.]

Scream all you want! There isn't a person around for miles,
Ain't nobody gonna hear you. Now, it puts the lotion
On it's skin or else it gets the hose again!

Puts the lotion on it's skin,
Gets the hose again,
Puts the lotion on it's skin,
Gets the hose again,
Puts the lotion on it's skin,
Gets the hose again,
Puts the lotion-
Hey! Where's my dog, precious?
Hey you, leave my Precious alone!
Track Name: Black Friday
Black Friday
An original festive song about America's national shopping holiday.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski

Big thanksgiving dinner, after quite the feast,
Watch a little football, and some home movies.
Bedtime comes for families, every Mom and Pop.
Alarm goes off at four a.m., because it's time to shop.

Winter coats and wool hats, just in case there's snow.
O'er the river and through the woods, to Wal-Mart we go.
Soon we'll be invading, busting down the door,
Led by all the hardcores who camped out the night before.

Black Friday! Chorus: Black Friday!
Oh, what a joyous day!
When our consumer culture comes together, come what may.
Black Friday! Chorus: Black Friday!
It brings us so much cheer
To help our nation's stores who have been in the red all year.

Mom: Excuse me, do you have any more of the exclusive Iron Man vs. Dora The Explorer playsets?
Employee: (sighs) Whatever's out on the shelves is all we have.
Mom: You're lying! Grab his legs!
Employee: What the?! Aaah!

New Nintendo System, just a hundred bucks,
So who cares if Grannies will get trampled in the rush?
Survival of the fittest, at the shopping mall.
Let there be peace on earth, and-
Shopper One: Get your hands off that Elmo doll! It's mine!
Shopper Two: F*** you!

Black Friday! Chorus: Black Friday!
Sings forth the local news,
Because your love is measured by the items that you choose.
Black Friday! Chorus: Black Friday!
At Toys 'R Us it's keen.
They never call it Black Friday,
'Round there, they call it green!

Shopper Two: Give me that half price TiVo or I'll rip your f***ing spleen out!
Shopper One: Hey relax! What are we all so worked up over anyway?
Shopper Two: How am I supposed to know?! Jesus Christ!!!
Track Name: Jello Shots
Jello Shots
An original song about Tom Lehrer's invention, the Jello Shot.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


No doubt there will be some who'll claim I'm in error,
When I speak of the satirist known as Tom Lehrer.
You've seen his LPs up in your parent's attics,
Recorded when he was teaching mathematics.
But it's not odd tunes or old calculus pages,
That will be his legacy passed through the ages…

The folks still remember, it was late December
Of '56, that was the case.
Serving in the Army, Tom's planned Christmas party,
No spirits allowed on the base.
'Sneak it in?' you may ask, 'in a small metal flask?'
No way, 'cause those Sergeants could smell a tin.
So do what you oughta', use vodka, not water,
Inside a dessert made of gelatin.

Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
From Fort Dix out to Santa Monica!
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
You saved us all from a dry Chanukah!
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
We sure fooled that old Uncle Sam,
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
But now I'm not sure where I am.

Just take some fine gin once beloved by Bing Crosby,
And combine it with snacks once endorsed by Bill Cosby.
If small children saw them, they'd sure want a turn at these,
So we knew they would love them at college fraternities,
Sorority girls downed as much as they could,
And even at Harvard its M.I.T. good!

In chemistry class, when you spy a hot lass,
Learn this hydrolyzed collagen's relevance.
From her you'll get a smooch, with some lemony hooch,
If you're in command of the Elements.
So look out, here they come! Take Tequila or Rum,
And make it Lime, Orange, or Cherry.
It's the treat you can spike, and to folks you don't like,
You can always give them the raspberry.

Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
Watch those sugars and additives congeal!
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
It's a preschooler's 60-proof meal!
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
Oh, down your gullet they will frolic!
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
Your floor looks like a Jackson Pollack.

Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
The greatest stuff ever, I think.
Jello Shots!
Oh, Jello Shots!
I don't know, because I never drink!
Track Name: God Bless Stephen Colbert
God Bless Stephen Colbert
An original country rock ballad about Stephen Colbert of "The Colbert Report"
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


As I look across America, home of Mom and apple pie,
I will promise to take care of ya', still I hang my head and cry.
Those Democrats grow greedier, trying to take our guns away,
And they use the liberal media, to turn all our children gay.
They control all three of the branches, soon they'll call their federallies.
Have them invade all our ranches, and our monster truckin' rallies.
But there's one man we can count on, who can save us from despair.
God bless Stephen Colbert.

From the shores of Carolina, home of the Charleston Chew.
There's no pundit that is finer, he's America, and so can you!
Who's the talk show host with strong wrists? Who will 'Cheat Death' to it's face?
Who on Time's 100 Most Influential lists has a treadmill up in space?
Now my parents, kids, and my spouse, we would follow him through Hell.
And we'll put him in the White House, in the year 2012.
Now I'm in the Colbert Nation, my allegiance I will swear!
God bless Stephen Colbert.

I used to watch Bill O'Reilly, from an iPod in my tractor,
But that Colbert's much more Wiley, when he breaks down every Factor.
Just forget about Sean Hannity, he's too meek and needs to hush.
Glen Beck has lost his sanity. Limbaugh pops pills for the Rush.
Stephen always fights for truth and justice and the American way,
And he'll say the things uncouth that wuss Jon Stewart's too scared to say.
And forget about Geraldo, who once got hit by a chair.
God bless Stephen Colbert.

He will warn us with the Threat-down, of some strangers with some candy.
And occasionally will get down, in a dance-off that is dandy. [Stephen:] Raaaiiin!
If you're some district's politician, you 'Better Know' him, gain his favor.
He's like Tek Janson on a mission. He's Ben & Jerry's favorite flavor.
Well the Pope should have him canonized, everyone would show their reverence,
Big or small-
[Reducto:] I'll make you travel-sized!
[Phil Ken Sebben:] Ha ha! Obscure reference!
Hell yeah, he's got a bird, man! Stephen Jr.'s in the air!
God bless Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen:] Thank you ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Colbert Report, thank you… Nation,

I tip my hat to George Bush, and the shows that Fox News airs.
Wag my finger at the sore tush, of those who try to make friends with bears.
Critics comment on my goofiness, but that's really just absurd,
'cause I always bring the 'Truthiness'… And that's 'The Word'.
[Women's choir:] And that's 'The Word!'
[Stephen:] Jimmy, juice it!

With his black pistol named 'Sweetness', see him sticking to his gun.
[Women's choir:] Ah, ah, ah, ah… See him sticking to his gun!
He'll defend the things he treats best, all the Emmys that he's won.
[Women's choir:] Ah, ah, ah… And a Peabody!
And he supports all our armed forces, by shaving off his hair.
[Women's choir:] Shaving off his hair!
[SFX: hair trimmer buzz] [Stephen:] Uh, wait, Mr. President, wait! Noooo!
God…
[Women's choir:] Oh yes our American-
God bless Stephen Colbert!
[Women's choir:] God bless Stephen Colbert!
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Insane Ian - My Parents Bought Me Intellivision
My Parents Bought Me Intellivision
An original rap song about the Intellivision video game system.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski, Verse 4 by Insane Ian
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


Twas the month before Christmas. 1980.
My big sister Amy and kid brother J.T.
And I were all busy writing letters to Santa,
Hoping to get stuff from that jolly phantom.
Amy liked clothes, and J.T. liked cars,
And I liked cartoons, but agreement was ours
That the thing we all wanted most right where we are, we
All wanted a 2600 Atari.
All our friends had 'em, and they all had known
What it's like to have an arcade in your own home.
The big morning came, and we all laid our eyes
On our presents we opened to find a surprise!

[spoken:] Yes, yes, it's, it's… Noooo!

MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
How could they possibly screw this up?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I was six years old, saying "What the f-[bleep]?!"
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Soon I had to endure grade schooler retorts,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Because my Mom and Dad read Consumer Reports.

[Insane Ian:] Ha ha! You controller looks like a phone!
[Devo Spice:] Should be called "StupidVision"!
[ShoEboX:] Oooh! A game system from the same company that makes Barbie!

At school I was picked on, got called names.
Since they all had Atari, I couldn't trade games.
Well I wasn't just going to sit around bored,
So I grabbed the controller with its curly cord.
Hit the circular disc you control with your thumb.
No joystick? I was like, this is dumb!
Where's the red button? They got nothin'!
Slide in this sheet for the keypad functions?
Tiny side buttons, you can barely smack that,
Just so I can play Las Vegas Poker and Blackjack?
Overall, the thing really smelled,
But I just had to play with the hand I was dealt.

MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
No Combat, No Breakout, …No Pong.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I don't think my attention span will last long.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
I wanted to run away to Puerto Rico.
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
If my parents were rich, we'd have bought a Coleco.

Playing Major League Baseball one day after class
With my 3 year old brother who was kicking my ass,
It suddenly dawned on me like morning sun;
I was playing Intellivision, and having fun!
My friends all said "Atari Baseball rocks!"
But all of their graphics looked like Lego blocks.
With crappy animation, the question begs,
How do you play baseball without moving legs?
Their color's atrocious, their sound effects stink.
Each new Mattel game changed the way that I think.
And soon I was raising my IntelliVoice,
Saying Mom and Dad made the right choice, motha-[boom!]

MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Screw Atari, my gaming platform's supreme!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
You got one button? Man, we got sixteen!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
And to those who cry my intelligent rhymes,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
You can byte me 2600 times!

Insane Ian, full of charm and tenacity, (Sir?)
Rock it like you did in Pudding Capacity!

Insane Ian: Yeah…
I’ll admit Atari invaded my home
Because Mattel started with attack of the clones!
The similar games you just couldn’t avoid.
Playing Space Hawk was like blastin’ Asteroids.
Remember Tempest? Well here’s Vectron!
And Beauty and The Beast played like Donkey Kong.
But Kool-Aid played better and was a thirst quencher,
And Swords and Serpents was way better than Adventure.
Soon new I.P.s and translations appeared.
Burgertime on anything else just played weird.
Space Armada, Worm Whomper, Ice Trek, all spectacular,
And what other game lets you play *AS* Dracula?

MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Remember those commercials with my man, George Plimpton?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
And all those cool games that he was straight pimpin’?
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
He said Star Strike had the best effects, damnit!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
'Cause it featured the total destruction of a planet!

I'll work the Deadly Disc like my name was Tron guy,
Catchin' lunch in Frog Bog, because [I'm so fly!]
Call in the Bomb Squad, and I'll be there in a flash,
'Cause I'll hit hyperspace in an Astrosmash!
Yeah, I'm a Night Stalker huntin' droids in the dark.
Don't fall through the Thin Ice, you'll be shouting "Shark! Shark!"
My B-17 Bomber always on the attack,
So don't cha gimmie no flack! {"Watch out for flack!}
Beat my score in Lock' N Chase? Don't make me laugh, you!
You're like a growing snake, caught in a Snafu!
Venture through a tower, playing hour after hour.
Like He-Man said, "I HAVE THE POWER!"

MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
Here's to 10 years of digital dangers!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
This is a shout out to the Blue Sky Rangers!
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
But there's only one way this song can end-o,
MY PARENTS BOUGHT ME INTELLIVISION!
'Cause my parents up and bought me an INTELLIVISION II!

It never ends! It keeps going on and on! It can't be stopped! It can't be killed! INTELLIVISION LIVES!

{The battle is over.}
Track Name: Gory Gory Hallelujah
Gory Gory Hallelujah
A parody of Battle Hymn Of The Republic, about modern horror movie icons.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski


A nap on Elm Street leads you to a creepy boiler room,
Where a burned up child murderer escorts you to your doom,
With the style of a vaudevillian, your soul he will consume,
While spouting one-liners. [Freddy: Take your life, please! Ha ha ha!]
Gory gory Freddy Kreuger
Uses claws just like a cougar.
What a Nightmarish intruder,
Your fear is his power! [Freddy: You have nothing to fear but ME!]

If you go to camp at Crystal Lake on Friday the thirteenth,
And you're working as a counselor with a bunch of naughty teens,
Better know an able lifeguard, or you just might lose your spleens
To one mean Hockey Mom. [Mrs. Voorhees: I can see Russia from my house!]
Gory gory Jason Voorhees
Turning campers who are horny
Into chicken cacciatore.
Machete iron chef. [Iron Chef Host: Our secret ingredient: Corey Feldman!]

Now every Halloween the kids all go for trick or treats
Unless you're name's Laurie Strode, which is a role of Jamie Lee's.
Each October thirty-first's about your sibling rivalries,
With Shatner masks right on. [Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAN!]
Gory gory Michael Myers
Kill his sister he desires.
On call doctors he expires.
That's an extreme close-up. [Wayne & Garth: WHOA! Whoa! WHOA! Whoa!]

Young Andy on his birthday got his brand new favorite toy.
Was a cute red-head in overalls that was his pride and joy.
But the Lakeshore Strangler's voodoo meant he lived just to destroy.
A Cabbage Patch psycho. [Chucky: Who the frak is Martha Stewart?!]
Gory gory little Chucky.
With his bride, he did get lucky,
Had a kid so gay and plucky
who was Glen or Glenda. [Glen: I just want to sing! Chucky: No singing!]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was based upon Ed Gein
Who was really from Wisconsin, but they changed it for the screen.
Well they could have filmed the whole thing here, [Wisc.Guy: It woulda been peachy keen!]
[Wisc.Guys: Us Cheeseheads slice up good! Have a brat, eh? Pass da brew! Go Packers!]
Gory gory Leatherface.
Epidermis you replace.
Juggling chainsaws with such grace.
There's something wrong with this song... [T4P: Song. Bone?! We gotta work on that ending.]

I Know What You Did Last Summer. You hatched a little scheme,
At your Final Destination, at a Creepshow so extreme.
Yeah I Saw you being Hostel, it's enough to make me Scream
28 Days Later. [Luke: I'm so Troma-tized!]
Gory gory Scary Movie
Evil Dead try to remove me.
Here comes Ash, he's saying groo-oo-oo-oo-vyyyyyy!

[Ash: “Groovy.”]

Bruce Campbell's mar-CHIN oooooooon!
*Bleah!*
[Freddy: Pinhead. Ha ha ha haaaa!]
Track Name: Keanu Barada Nikto
Keanu Barada Nikto
An original sketch about the 2008 remake of the film "The Day The Earth Stood Still"
Written by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski


Director: All right Keanu, we're about to film the climactic scene at the end of our remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic, "The Day The Earth Stood Still". You are the alien Klaatu, sent to destroy mankind with your giant robot Gort, who has transformed into trillions of microscopic robots which are destroying all humans and everything man-made. But you've had a change of heart, and you've fought through the cloud of killer nanites to reach your big glowing spaceship orb, so you can reach up and touch it and speak the command that will deactivate Gort and save humanity, "Klaatu Barada Nikto". Have you got all that?

Keanu: Yes. …Wait, what?

Director: Close enough.

Keanu: Where's all that stuff you were just talking about? All I see is this huge green wall.

Director: It's special effects, we're going to add it in later.

Keanu: Whoa.

Director: Okay, rolling!

Marker: Quiet on the set!

Director: Speed! Marker!

Marker: "The Day the Earth Stood Still" remake, scene 185.

Director: And, action!

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Neo.

Director: No, wrong movie Keanu. The last word is Nikto.

Keanu: Oh, right.

Director: Keep rolling, action.

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Nicotine.

Director: No, try again.

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Nicaragua.

Director: No.

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Nicholson.

Director: No.

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Nickelodeon.

Director: No.

Keanu: That reminds me, is it time for Spongebob yet?

Director: Not until you say the line right, dingus. Keep rolling, action.

Keanu: Klaatu Barada Necktie.

Director: No.

Keanu: Neckturn.

Director: No.

Keanu: Nickle.

Director: No.

Keanu: Noodle?

Director: No.

Keanu: It's an N-word, it's definitely an N-word.

Director: Look, repeat after me. Nick!

Keanu: Nick!

Director: Toe!

Keanu: Toe!

Director: Nikto!

Keanu: Nikto!

Director: Is good, yes?

Keanu: Is good, yes?

Director: NO!

Keanu: No?

Director: Nikto!

Keanu: Nikto!

Director: Nikto!

Keanu: Nikto!

Director: Nikto! You got it? Nikto!

Keanu: Nikto! Yes, nikto!

Director: Okay, action!

Keanu: Klaatu Banana Nikto!

Director: NO!

Keanu: Klaatu Bacon Nikto!

Director: NO!

Keanu: Klaatu Barack Obama!

Director: Stop it!

Keanu: Klaatu John McCain?

Director: No! It's Klaatu Barada Nikto!

Keanu: Cuckoo Bahama Leno!

Director: Klaatu Barada Nikto!

Keanu: Sawtooth Ivana Sideshow!

Director: Klaatu Barada Nikto!

Keanu: Yahoo Nirvana Backhoe!

Director: Klaatu Barada Nikto!

Keanu: Charles Nelson Reilly!

Director: CUT!!! That's a wrap! I'm not filming anymore! Turn the cameras off! I'm done with this!

Marker: But sir, what are we supposed to do about the big climactic scene?

Director: Have the special effects code monkeys show him getting disintegrated as soon as he touches the orb! I don't care!

Marker: But sir, movie buffs have been waiting 57 years for this moment.

Keanu: Yeah, the fans will be pissed if they don't hear "Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Director: AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHH!!!

Marker: Oh dear. Looks like he's having another episode.

Keanu: Yeah, all my directors seem to have them. Better put something in his mouth so he doesn't swallow his tongue. Can you hand me a spoon?

Marker: Keanu, there is no spoon.

Keanu: Bogus.

Marker: All right, that's lunch people, let's go.

Keanu: Hey, boss, look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah. Can I go watch Spongebob now? You know, he lives in a pineapple under the sea. And like, me he's totally not gay.
Track Name: Devo Spice, featuring the great Luke Ski - The Geeks Come Out At Night
Tom: "Um.. I think the party's down this way. Here we go. Room 1327."
Luke: "1327? I stayed in this room last year! You wouldn't believe what happened to me in there. There was this chick..."
Tom: "Hey hey hey! I do not need that visual image. Let's just go inside."

Tom: "Hey, can I get one of those... drinks, whatever it is. The purple stuff, that's bubbling. Yeah. Thanks."
Luke: "Oh, there she is! Hi!"
Luke: "Woot! Hey look, she's taking it off. She's taking it off!
Tom: "Woah! That's not right."
Luke: "I did NOT know you could pierce that. Wow."

[chorus]
The geeks come out at night
The geeks come out at night
The geeks come out at night
(the geeks come out!)
The geeks come out at night

[verse 1]
At most conventions are nerds and geeks
Who greet their favorite stars with howls and shrieks
But when they're done marveling at Bruce Campbell's chin
The room parties open- real fun begins!
Freakin' out the mundanes and several noobs
By eating live Gach out of Klingon boobs
Cleavage and food make a wonderful pair
And you an find 'em at room parties everywhere, cause
(chorus 2x)

[verse 2]
Now when geeks get dressed it's like they're going to war
They like to dress as Sontari, Browncoats and Borg
Bat Girl, Wonder Woman and Seven Of Nine
Drinking things from where the warp core don't shine
Princess Leia slave girl with the Death Star plans
And even one as Babs Bunny for the furry fans
Then again I think the trippiest sight I'd see
Is when a hot fan girl dresses up like me, 'cause
(chorus 2x)

[verse 3]
Now the party's jumpin', the place is packed
And Rob Balder's eatin' Cheez Whiz off a girl's rack
But before I decide what I want to do
They start screening next season's Doctor Who
Geeks come in all kinds of wacky get-ups
There's one who's dressing like a smurf with a ninja set up
And there's a couple pirates with hooks for hands
I guess they won't get to grope Ginger or Mary-Anne
You might see a couple dressed like Leela and Fry
And you may never catch a geek without at least one die
And they got rum, and some Romulan Ale
But go easy 'cause that stuff'll make you grow a tail
It's really not a joke but you don't have to go far
To see a Klingon and a Vulcan walk into a bar
So if you wanna live like a geek some time
Come and party like it's 2999, 'cause
(chorus 2x)

dude 1: "Dude, check out the geeks."
dude 2: "Huh, what a bunch of freakin' losers."

geek 1: "Ugh, mundanes."
geek 2: "Ah, don't worry about them."

dude 1: "Heh, heh, beam me up, Scotty!!"

both geeks: "ERRRR, FOOTBALL!"

[Dalek voice]
Nerds, geeks, we planned for weeks
This party room has its own mystique
Get loose y'all, look at Sheryl now
Everybody everybody she's naked now
We got juice y'all, and tequila y'all
Everybody everybody cop a feel y'all
Get it out now, get the vodka out
And pour a double now, that's what I'm about
Nerds, geeks, we planned for weeks
This party room has its own mystique
Nerds, geeks, we planned for weeks
The wookie over there is starting to reek
Nerds, geeks, we planned for weeks
Luke Ski's in the corner getting ready to streak
Get drunk y'all, put a smile on
Everybody everybody he's a Cylon!
You'll admit this party was great
Or I will exterminate!

(chorus repeat and fade)

Luke: "Who's that making out with Captain Jack Sparrow?"
Tom: "Um... looks like Captain Jack Harkness."
Luke: "Figures."
Track Name: Tom Smith, featuring the great Luke Ski - Cthulhu Fthagn
Cthulhu Fthagn --
What a wonderful phrase!
Cthulhu Fthagn --
Say it and you're crazed!

It means "Cthulhu,
Rising out of the haze!"
It's a prophecy,
We'll all soon see
Cthulhu Fthagn.

Ahhh, yes! Cthulhu Fthagn. It's our motto, our slogan, our credo!

Oh, I hate that!

What?

Han Solo clearly shot first!

Not "Greedo", "credo"!

When he was a Outer God --
When I was a Outer God!
Easy on the reverb, sport.

He found that his form lacked a certain appeal,
All his glistening pseudopods made blood congeal.

I'm a sensitive soul!
At the end of the day,
It hurt that my friends' flesh all melted away.

Oh the shame!
Oh, the terrible shame!
What a disgrace!
Falling from grace!
Till I decided to blame --
Whose fault was it?
The whole human race!

Yeah! What the heck where they doing hanging around with an acidic mass of flesh-devouring polyps, anyway?
Hey! Can I help it if I'm an "ick" magnet?

Cthulhu Fthagn!
Now we're in for strange days!
It screws up your noggin --
Turns planets into buffets!

And Great Cthulhu
Spares whoever obeys!
So get off of me,
You monstrosity!
Cthulhu Fthagn!

Cthulhu Fthagn!
Cthulhu Fthagn!
Cthulhu Fthagn!
-- Wait wait WAIT! If we keep doing this, he's gonna show up!
... COOL!

It means Cthulhu,
Rising out of the haze!"
It's insanity,
For humanity --
Cthulhu Fthagn!

I say Cthulhu!
And I say Fthagn!
If I said Ithaqua,
We'd need a toboggan!

Cthulhu Fthagn!
Track Name: Transformers: Revenge Of The Filmin'
Transformers: Revenge of the Filmin'
A sketch about the Transformers movie franchise.
Written by the great Luke Ski, "Randy Newman Theme" bit by Paul & Storm
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


Announcer: It is the year 2009. The treacherous Michael Bay has conquered the box office with another Transformers movie. Having grown tired of the complaints of both movie critics and the original Transformers fans for making such horrible films, he publicly states he will not be directing the next Transformers film. Now from secret staging warehouses all across Los Angeles, these valiant famous Hollywood directors prepare to retake the 300 million dollar franchise.

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Kevin Smith

Dante: Did you know my girlfriend can Transform into 37 different things?

Randall: In a row?

Dante: Who left this bong on the counter?

Randall: You mean, 'who *is* this bong on the counter?'

Dante: What?

[SFX: Transform noise]

JayFire: Transform and smoke out, TeleTran-svestites! JayFire and Silent Bot are in the house!

Dante: Will you guys get out of here?

JayFire: Not before we sell you some of our primo energon stash. Show 'em what you got, lunchbox!

[SFX: Transform noise]

Randall: Look at that, he actually transforms into a lunchbox.

Dante: I wasn't even supposed to transwarp here today!

JayFire: Decepti-nooch!

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Martin Scorcese

[Italian music plays softly in background]

[Other transformers murmur and laugh as Wheelie tells his funny story:]

Wheelie: So we're out in this field talking to Jetfire, and he's drooling and falling apart, and he says he used to be a Decepticon, but now he's an Autobot. And Spike says,

Rat Trap: His name's Sam.

Wheelie: Sam, Spike, like I give a [beep]. Anyway, he says, wait a minute, you can change sides if you wanna? And he says yeah. So I go over to Mikaela, and I say, hey, I wanna be an Autobot! And I grab her leg and I start goin' at it, you know? Humpin' it like that [beep]in' Chihuahua dog, right? And I say to her, "Who's your little Autobot? My name's Wheelie! Say my name, say my name!"… Yeah, yeah, and then Sam says, "What are you allowing to happen to your foot right now?" And then she says to him, "At least he's faithful!"… Yeah! At least he's faithful! Yeah, I'm faithful! Yeah, right!

Rat Trap: You're really funny, Wheelie. You're really funny.

Wheelie: What do you mean I'm funny?

Rat Trap: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.

Wheelie: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?

Rat Trap: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.

Wheelie: I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown car? I got a bunch of grease-painted humans comin' out of every door, hood, and trunk space I got? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to [beep]in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Rat Trap: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Wheelie: No, no, I don't know, you said it. You said I'm funny. What am I, Herbie Goes Bananas over here? What am I, Speed Buggy? Why don't I paint myself orange and speak in rhymes all the time, I bet that'll be funny for about 5 seconds! How the [beep] am I funny, what the [beep] is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Rat Trap: [long pause] Get the [beep] out of here, Wheelie!

Wheelie: [everyone laughs] Ya mother[beep]er! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Rumble, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes. You may fold under questioning.

Rat Trap: Well at least I'm not voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.

[stunned "Oooohs!"]

Rumble: Whoa! This kid's got a lotta [beep]in' wrecking balls! Hey Rat Trap, this is for you. You don't take no shit from nobody. Wheelie, you gonna let this [beep]in' punk get away with that? What's this world comin' to?

[SFX: 6 lazer blasts]

Rat Trap: Aaaaaahh!

Wheelie: There, that's what the world is comin' to! How do you like that? All right?

Rumble: What's the [beep]in' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Wheelie, I'm kidding with you. What are you, a sick [beep]in' maniac?

Wheelie: How am I meant to know you're kidding? You breaking my [beep]in' balls?

Rumble: I'm [beep]in' kidding with you! You [beep]in' shoot the guy?

Soundwave: He's dead.

Wheelie: Good shot. What do you want from me? [beep]in' rat anyway. He Transforms into a rat.

Rumble: You stupid bastard, I can't [beep]in' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the [beep]in' hole. You're gonna do it.

Wheelie: Who the [beep] cares? I'll dig the [beep]in' hole. I don't give a [beep]. What is it, the first hole I dug? Where are the shovels?

Soundwave: That was really messed up, man.

Wheelie: Oh that means a lot, coming from an uncharismatic bore like you.

Rumble: Nobody calls Soundwave uncrazamatic!

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Spike Lee

Mudflap: This is combat, man! What's wrong with you?

Skids: It's supposed to hurt, it's an ass kickin'.

Jazz: Just look at you two!

Mudflap: Jazz!

Skids: I thought you were dead!

Jazz: That's what they want you to believe. Can't you see, you've been had!

Skids: Huh?

Jazz: Hoodwinked!

Mudflap: Whuzzuh?

Jazz: Bamboozeled!

Skids: Are those words?

Jazz: Led astray!

Mudflap: What's he talking about?

Jazz: Run amuck!

Skids: Huh?

Jazz: The Autobots didn't land on Planet Earth! Planet Earth landed on us!

Mudflap: Huh?

Jazz: Well don't you have anything to say for yourselves?

Skids: Aren't you the guy from that movie "Virtuosity"?

Jazz: No. Aren't you voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants?

Mudflap: Ah! He got you, man!

Skids: Shut up, man!

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Pixar

[SFX: Paul & Storm's "Randy Newman's Theme From" music plays]

Cybertron, Decepticons,
And Autobots that run on energon.
Lost a cube. Found by some rube.
Bumblebee sprayed John Turturo with lube.
Here comes Megatron, gonna scream and shout.
There's lots of humans characters no one cares about.
Nobody believed that they could win.
Go Optimus go!
You my friend.
Go Transformers go!
You got a reason to live.
Transform and roll out, Peter Cullen.

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Ed Wood

[SFX: Clip of "Gobots" Theme song]

[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]

Announcer: Transformers, directed by Joss Whedon

Spike: Hey Bumblebee, how's it going?

Bumblebee: [robogibberish]

Spike: You know, I've been through a lot since the Transformers came to earth. I've met a lot of crazy robot characters. But Bumblebee, I think it's safe to say, you're my favorite character.

Bumblebee: [robogibberish]

[SFX: A meteor lands on Bumblebee]

Spike: Oh my god! Bumblebee!

Optimus: Spike, what happened?

Spike: It's Sam, actually, uh… A meteor just fell from the sky and killed Bumblebee.

Optumus: He was a brave warrior, his gallantry will be missed.

Spike: With Bumblebee gone, I guess that mean's you're my favorite character now, Optimus.

Optimus: Well, that's very nice of you to say, gaaaah!

[SFX: lazer fire]

Spike: Oh my God! Optimus! No!

StarScream: Ha ha ha haaa! Hello, Spike!

Spike: It's Sam! You killed Optimus Prime!

StarScream: Yes, all the more securing me, StarScream, as the true leader of the Decepticons! Now, puny human, bow to me! Say that I'm your favorite!

Spike: Why would you be my favorite?

StarScream: Well, on the new animated series I am voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.

Spike: Fair enough. Okay, you're my favorite character!

StarScream: There you have it! Not even Megatron is as exalted as I, wha- Megatron?!

[SFX: Megatron's gun fires] [We hear many cars and jets arrive, and transforming noises, and the sounds of many transformers talking]

Spike: What the? Why does? Huh? What? All the Autobots and Decepticons are here for an epic battle. Oh oh, I know, I know! Hey hey guess what? Everyone, guess what? You're all my favorites! I like you all equally! Eh? Eh?...

[SFX: Transformers murmur for a bit, and then all start spontaneously exploding]

Spike: No! Why are you all exploding?! Why is it every time I decide who my favorite character is, the character dies?!?! What kind of a sadistic bastard would do this to someone?! This is no way to run a universe! Noooo! They're dead! They're all dead! No…

Arcee: It's okay, I'm here for you.

Spike: Arcee?! You're alive!

Arcee: Of course I'm alive. I'm a girl!

Spike: Wait, what?

Arcee: Would you like a treatment?

Spike: Yes, yes I would like a treatment.

Arcee: Very good, come along, Spike.

Spike: Yes, I am Spike. Was I my best?

Arcee: Yes, you were your best.

Announcer: Now you know.

[SFX: Clip of G.I.Joe:"And knowing is half the battle! G.I. Joooee!"]
Track Name: Spock Star
Spock Star
A parody of "Rockstar" by Nickelback, about the 2009 film "Star Trek"
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski
My name is Zachary Quinto, I'm an actor for hire,
But you probably know me as that villain Sylar,
A psychic psycho on the hottest show on T.V.
Spock: Save the cheerleader, save the world.
Was in my dressing room, just flippin' through the stations,
When I got a phone call from J.J. Abrams.
He told me he had a brand new old role for me.
Spock: Did you get Lost?
I took a, a walk down where the sun is hot.
Down Melrose Ave to the Paramount Lot,
To a Spaceship set labeled with the letters "N-C-C"
Spock: One seven, zero one. [SFX: Ship fly-by]
After a quick audition from this hip young actor,
They could see I was so much better than Shatner,
Not to mention my resemblance to a twenty-something Leonard Ni-moy.
Spock: Highly logical.
I'm gonna trade this life for adoration for years.
Had 'em cut my hair and change my ears.
So now I'm just gonna be a big Spock star,
With my flawless logic, I'll boldly go far.
My ears will be pointy, and my blood will be green.
I'll say 'fascinating', and I'll steal every scene.
And I'll, mind meld, if they start to flinch,
I'll just take 'em out quick with a fast neck pinch.
James T. Kirk thinks it's all about him, but we know
Who was everyone's favorite Vulcan guy on the show.
And I'll, hey hey, I'm gonna be a Spock star.
Hey hey, I wanna be a Spock star.
I wanna be great like Kirk without the human hassles.
He asked Bones if he could set him up with Nurse Chapel.
Bones: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an escort service maitre'de!"
Spock: Is that a tribble in your pants, Jim?
Uhura screens my calls from Han and Chewbacca.
I'll take Chekov's stash of some of that Russian Vodka.
I'll send Sulu and Kumar to go get some White Castle for me.
Spock: What would Neil Patrick Harris do?
Scotty's knockin' back the scotch and feelin' no pain,
Cause he thinks he's fighting zombies. Scotty: "Off the frakkin' chain!"
So now I'm just gonna be a big Spock star,
With my flawless logic, I'll boldly go far.
My ears will be pointy, and my blood will be green.
I'll say 'fascinating', and I'll steal every scene.
And I'll, mind meld, if they start to flinch,
I'll just take 'em out quick with a fast neck pinch.
James T. Kirk thinks it's all about him, but we know
Who was everyone's favorite Vulcan guy on the show.
And I'll, pick up chicks in a Ferengi bar.
Some Orion Slave Girl, when I'm having pon farr.
From in my quarters you would see how
The girls desperately cling on to the starboard bough.
Orion slave girl: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Spock it to me!
Hey hey, I'm gonna be a Spock star.
They're gonna write the scripts however they want to.
Change the universe, like they have the power of Q.
Gonna retcon every single thing you know,
Just like in Transformers and G.I. Joe. Joe: YO JOE!
So now I'm just gonna be a big Spock star,
With my flawless logic, I'll boldly go far.
My ears will be pointy, and my blood will be green.
I'll say 'fascinating', and I'll steal every scene.
And I'll, mind meld, if they start to flinch,
I'll just take 'em out quick with a fast neck pinch.
James T. Kirk thinks it's all about him, but we know
Who was everyone's favorite Vulcan guy on the show.
And just, screw all the fans of "Deep Space Nine"
Who've been waiting ten years for Sisko's time
To be on the big screen, cause they think they'll have a hit.
With the same old forty-something-year-old bullsh-
[SFX: Torpedo firing, explosion]
Hey hey, I'm gonna be a Spock star.
Hey hey, I'm gonna be a Spock star.
Live long and prosper! [SFX: concert crowd cheering]
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - Everybody Get Lost
Everybody Get Lost
An original beach rock song about the TV series "Lost"
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski. Music by Bob Emmett. Drums by Jared Ringold.
© 2009 Luke Sienkowski


Captain: This is your captain. I want to thank you for flying Oceanic Flight 815. …Oh, looks like we may have a little turbulence here, so please return to your seats …because it looks like we're heading for a WIPEOUT!!! Aahahahahahaaa!!!

Dr. Jack Shepherd: Hey! Don't stand in front of that giant spinning jet engine! You'll get sucked in!

Some Guy: I can't hear you! I'm standing in front of a giant spinning jet engine, and I'm being sucked in! Waaah!

Hurley: Dude!

Somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific
There's an island whose location is non-specific
Where several dozen passengers of Oceanic
Flight 815 crashed like the Titanic.
They are hiding from a smoggy beast that's quite horrific
In a bunker with a scientific hieroglyphic,
But Ben is sayin' come on babies, don't you panic,
Cause I'm gonna be your very own satanic mechanic.
Doctor Jack will be their leader, and will help them all survive.
Now he's taking care of much more than a Party Of Five,
And he'll get them off the island, no matter what the cost.
At least that's what he tells himself, for now just like your luggage, they're –

LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
Everybody get LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
The Others accost, (cost, cost, cost)
While Desmond gets sauced! (sauced, sauced, sauced)
There's a newborn boy named Aaron, and that baby is Claire's,
Now the Aussie kid can play with all the local polar bears, who are LOST!

Now Kate was on the run, could really use a lawyer.
(A-doo-run, run, on the run, she do)
She don't know if she loves Jack or loves that con man Sawyer.
(Today's con, Sawyer, he gets high on you)
When they need explosives, Sayid knows just how to bomb it.
(He'll napalm it, until they all vomit)
And poor Charlie never really kicked his heroin hobbit.
(Kick the hobbit, furry-footed hobbit)
It appeals to the mundanes, it appeals to the geeks,
Like the movie Castaway starring the cast of Twin Peaks.
And will Michael be forgiven by the friends he double-crossed?
His son Walt made it home, but his dog just like the rest of us are –

LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
Not everybody gets LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
Jin and Sun are star-crossed, (crossed, crossed, crossed)
'Cause her Dad's a mob boss. (boss, boss, boss)
There's no Blu-ray discs or iPhones, no, not even an Atari,
Just that crazy frog Rousseau, who is also a Minbari, who's LOST!
…Waaaaaa!!!

Dr. Pierre Chang: Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle. Welcome to this DHARMA Initiative drum solo. Your job is to dance the dance of your choice, be it the Twist, Watusi, or Bad Robot. Our psychologists will take notes on you, and then pick new contestants for ABC's Dancing With The Stars. Namaste!

Everybody say FOUR! (FOUR!)
EIGHT! (EIGHT!)
FIFTEEN! (FIFTEEN!)
SIXTEEN! (SIXTEEN!)
TWENTY-THREE! (TWENTY-THREE!)
FORTY-TWO! (FORTY-TWO!)
Go ahead and punch the button, it'll send you 'round the bend.
In a-hundred-'n-eight minutes we can do it all again!
(YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!)

John Locke had a failed relationship with Peggy Bundy,
(didn't have a wife, a pathetic life)
But on the island he's a bad-ass Crocodile Dundee.
(that's not a knife, this is a knife)
He can build a trap or bassinette with no screwdriver,
(he can detach, latch, and attach)
And he'd win a million bucks if he was on Survivor.
(he found a hatch, but not Richard Hatch)
Yeah the Hanso Corporation will be working every angle.
It's like Lord of the Flies in the Bermuda Triangle.
After Hurley won the lottery, his cash was albatrossed.
Now he's chillin' on the beach where no one notices the weight he ain't –

LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
Everybody get LOST! (Lost, lost, lost)
Ben's own holocaust (caust, caust, caust)
DHARMA bodies were tossed (tossed, tossed, tossed)
The Oceanic Six is in a Hell that's all their own.
It's like Gilligan's Island in the Twilight Zone.
Is it faith or is it science, or coincidence or fate?
If it happens during sweeps, who cares, the ratings will be great.
Thanks to that guy J.J. Abrams, every week the fans will cringe.
Is that monster Cloverfield, or are they living on the Fringe?
And I better wrap this up because it's gone on far too long,
Or I just might flashback to a completely different song, and get –
LOST!!!
Track Name: Vacuum Cleaner Hoses
Vacuum Cleaner Hoses
By Willio & Philio
Sci-fi bridge sound bite impressions by the great Luke Ski & Carrie Dahlby

I was cruisin' in my ship
On an interstellar trip
And I'd really had a nasty flight.
So I landed on a planet
Made with Styrofoam and granite
To see if I could spend the night.
I was a-dyin' of starvation
In suspended animation.
Hadn't had a bite since 2003.
Whoa, but little did I know
Where I was about to go,
Wretched hive of scum and villany!

And they had
Vacuum cleaner hoses
Comin' out of their noses,
And nothing where their mouths should be. Woo!
They had little green feet,
And I don't know what they eat,
But one of them was eyein' me.
I couldn't help but stare
At their neon hair.
You know it was a sight to see.
If they would just leave me alone,
You know I'd go back home.
Mama, this is no place for me.

I said 'Excuse me, but
You know it's getting dark,
And I think I'm double parked',
And I started for the door post haste.
Just as I started prayin',
I could hear my Mama sayin',
'Son, don't go flyin' off in space.'
I should have listened to my Mama when she told me

They got
Vacuum cleaner hoses
Comin' out of their noses,
And nothing where their mouths should be. Woo!
They got them little green feet,
And I don't know what they eat,
And one of them was eyein' me.
I couldn't help but stare
At their neon hair.
You know it was a sight to see.
If they would just leave me alone,
You know I'd go back home.
Mama, this is no place for me.
2, 3, 4!
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!

Robot: Danger, Will Robinson!
Scotty: It's becoming critical, Captain. We can't handle it!
Dalek: Exterminate!
Cylon: By your command!
Worf: Perhaps today is a good day to die!
Hudson: Game over, man!
Gwen DeMarco: I have one job on this lousy ship, it's stupid, but I'm gonna do it!
Wash: I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar.
Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Stop this thing! I order you! Stoooooop!
Han Solo: You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!

Well I hurried to my ride,
But when I stepped inside,
There were critters everywhere in sight.
It seems the rays that exude
From that old T.V. tube
Make 'em wanna boogie all night.
They'd been watching my fission
Powered color television.
Well I guess there's no accounting for taste.
So I took them all along,
And now we're singing a song,
And we're having fun somewhere in space.
Yeeee-haaah!+

And they got
Vacuum cleaner hoses
Comin' out of their noses,
And nothing where their mouths should be. A-Woo!
They got them little green feet,
And I don't know what they eat,
And one of them was eyein' me.
I can't help but stare
At their neon hair.
You know it is a sight to see.
If they would just leave me alone,
You know I'd go back home.
Mama, this is no place for me.

Oh no Ma,
This is no place for me.
Oh Daddy,
This is no place for me.
Oh cousin,
This is no place for me.
Ah ah ah ah aah!
This is no place for me.
Yeeee haaah!
This is no place for me.
Let me outta here!
If they would just leave me alone,
You know I'd go back home.
Mama, this is no place for me!