Psycho Potpourri!

by the great Luke Ski

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about

22 tracks of madness - A compilation of songs from Luke Ski's first two albums ("Fanboys 'n da Hood" released Fall 1996 and "Shadows of the Bunghole" released Spring 1997), which are now out of print.

credits

released May 9, 1997

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about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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Track Name: Humpa Hound
Note: This song was one of my earliest attempts at parody, originally written in 1993 when I was 19 years old. The song itself isn't really about anything, other than wanting to make a bunch of Beavis & Butthead references from back when the show was first on the air. Most of the lyrics J. Styles is singing were written by him, and all of my lyrics were written by me. This song still holds a bucketful of nostalgic charm for me, and is significant in my career artistically, because it was working on this song which helped me invent my rap parody songwriting style. The lyrics below are from the 1997 version heard on my second album "Shadows of the Bunghole" (aka "Psycho Potpourri") – Luke Ski


Butthead: Yes!
Beavis: Yes!
Butthead: It's about time they played something cool!
Beavis: This is the video! This is the video, Butthead, the one I was telling you about!
Butthead: What video would that be Beavis?
Beavis: You know, the one where it's kind of like Bobby Brown, they're talking about humping a hound!
Butthead: Beavis, are you into that kind of thing?
Beavis: Yeah, it's pretty cool, it's like, well, uh, I, uh, …Shut up Butthead! I'll kick your ass!
Butthead: Dumb ass!

J. Styles:
Push it in, push it out. Let me speak out.
Here's a story about a brother with clout.
If you're hungry, hungry no doubt,
Just get yourself a hot dog with extra sauerkraut.
Feelin' gimpy, (Beavis: Yeah!) my Woodrow went limpy.
(Butthead: It's about time they stopped being wimpy!)
No fat chicks, so bitch, just get the hell out.
Puncture up your thigh, and lyposuck the fat out.
On MarioKart, when I drive they all dart.
I smoke more karts than there are in a Wal-Mart
Parking lot, sure 'nuff, you got shot, by a heat seeking red shell.
You're suckin' a brat.
You're getting' beat down, you're getting' beat down!
So get out your seat and humpa hound!

Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Hump up, hump up, and get down!

Beavis: Yeah! Humpa hound! It's pretty cool!

Beavis & Butthead:
Da-da-da-da-da-daaa! Da-da-da-da-da-daaa!
Boom shalock lock boom! Boom shalock lock boom!

J Styles:
I'll play your ass like Mortal Kombat
My name is J Styles, not Felix the cat.
My rhymes are hot, see? I came to play Yahtzee,
I'm a hell of a lot funnier than that lame ass Potsie.
For one measly hour you sit through a class.
You gotta go pee so you need a hall pass,
Cuz that's some pressure, that I just don’t like.

Luke Ski:
If you are a 'Cory', ride a big bike! (Beavis: BIG BIKE!)
(Butthead: That was cool.) So go wrestle broccoli!
You try to make me laugh, you don’t know comedy!
I got the jokes, so go get your folks,
'cause when I hit the stage, I will smoke.
I came here to clown, I came here to clown,
So get out your seat and humpa hound!

Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Hump up, hump up, and get down!

Beavis: They said it again! They keep saying it Butthead, it's pretty cool!

Butthead: This is pretty cool for a couple of white guys.
Beavis: Hey Butthead, is it 1993?
Butthead: What?
Beavis: I'm just asking if it's 1993.
Butthead: What the hell are you talking about Beavis?
Beavis: Well it's like, I got the calendar, and I've had it for four years, so it should be right.
Butthead: Beavis, you're a dumb fartknocker.
Beavis: Don't call me that Butthead! I warned you! I'll kick your ass!

Luke Ski:
I'm the ace in the place, I rhyme with much bass,
I draw everything, 'cause real men don’t trace.
Or better yet an illustrator, just like an animator.
You're tryin' to turn me off, like as if my name was 'Data'.
But I ain't goin' out like no android.
You're used to Klingons you know, but I'm a Betazoid.
I'm readin' your mind, I'm readin' your mind.
It was some really light reading so I stopped and took a nap. (Zzzzz!)
I'm coming to get ya, I'm comin' to get ya.
You've been spewing up chunks since the day that I met ya,
You're all goin' down, cause we rule this town,
So get out your seat and humpa hound!

Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Humpa hound!
Hump up, hump up, and get down!

Beavis: Yeah, we've heard this before. C'mon!
Butthead: Humpa hound! Bla bla bla bla bla…
Beavis: Blah blah blah blah!

Beavis: Mow, ma-mow, ma-mow (etc.)…
Butthead: Beavis? Beavis, what the hell are you doing? Beavis, you're a damn weirdo. I'm gonna smack you Beavis!
Beavis: …ma-mow, ma-mow OW! AH! OW!...

J. Styles: Yo, this is dedicated to Beavis!
Luke Ski: And Butthead!
J. Styles & Luke Ski: We don’t like stuff that sucks!

Beavis: I got a magical box of electrical socks, I got a snake that's sick like tricky Dick Nixon!
Butthead: I got a magical box of electrical socks, I got a snake that's sick like tricky Dick Nixon!
Beavis: I got a magical box of electrical socks, I got a snake that's sick like tricky Dick Nixon!
Butthead: I got a magical box of electrical socks, I got a snake that's sick like tricky Dick Nixon!

Beavis: Yeah, that was pretty cool! Yeah!
Butthead: Hey, let's change the channel Beavis, I think they're showing "Mrs. Doubtfire".
Beavis: Yeah, "Mrs. DoubtFIRE!" FIRE!
Butthead: Shut up!
Beavis: Oh, sorry about that. Heh hrr hehe hmm.
Track Name: My Name Is Fred
(Background singer repeats phrase: “Yabba Dabba Doo, Yabba Dabba Doo...”)

My name is Fred.
My name is Fred.
Not to be confused with Wilma, Pebbles, or Dino. My name is Fred. It’s always been.
Cause I’m the most prehistoric Cro-Magnon you ever seen. I dress in fur. Yes, orange fur from head to toes. Count my toes up. One, two, three, and four.
I start my car.
Go so far.
Go to pick up Barney Rubble, cause he’s so bizarre.
Two-foot-six and weird as Hell. Got to get to work before that bird starts to yell.
My name is Fred, but call me William-Hanna-Joe-Barbera-Jackie-Gleason, that’s long for Fred, so I’ve been told.
Told to me by that Mr. Slate, that yells at me. He’s angry and mean and old. I work my crane.
Headache pain.
Get me an aspirin for the brain of my dinosaur’s working strain. I love to bowl.
I love my wife.
She does just what I say because you know I run her life, we had our words. She will abide.
So she made me eat my dinner sittin’ on the curb on the street outside. My name is Fred.
Dabba Doo, Yabba Dabba Dab, DOO!
Yabba Dabba Doo, Yabba Dabba.
My name is Fred.
Dabba Doo, Yabba Dabba Dab, WHOA!
Yabba Dabba Doo, Yabba Dabba.
My name is Fred.
My name is Fred.
Wilmaaaa.
Track Name: Ranma Saotome
Soun: Ranma!
Shampoo: Ranma!
Ryoga: Ranma!
Akane: Ranma!

Akane, Ryoga, Happosai, Soun, Genma,
Ukyo, Nabiki, Shampoo, Mousse, Kasumi,
Kuno and Kodachi, I am always watching, my TV.

Ranma Saotome. He lives in such dismay.
One splash with cold water, and he changes his gender.
His hair will turn red, shorten his height, and improve his chest.
You would be upset too if you were magically dismembered.
Like Ranma Saotome.

Akane, Ryoga, Happosai, Soun, Genma,
Ukyo, Nabiki, Shampoo, Mousse, Kasumi,
Kuno and Kodachi, I am always watching,
Ranma Saotome. With Akane, why is he such a
Disgruntled fiancé? He's Ranma Saotome.

Come one, come all, to Tendo training hall.

Kodachi the black rose, a pizza girl named Ukyo,
And amazon Shampoo all fight for his affections.
Mousse is going blind, Kuno's a legend in his own mind,
And Ryoga goes in all the wrong directions.
She's Ranma Saotome.

Akane, Ryoga, Happosai, Soun, Genma,
Ukyo, Nabiki, Shampoo, Mousse, Kasumi,
Kuno and Kodachi, I am always watching,
Ranma Saotome. Soun and Genma play checkers all the day.
Kasumi bakes soufflé, for Ramna Saotome.

The girls got curves, and Happosai's a perv.

Happosai: What a haul, what a haul!
Ranma: What do you think you're doing, you old letch?
Happosai: I'll make you a deal, how's about a pair of Akane's panties?
Ranma: What are you, nuts? Why would I want that tomboy's panties?
Akane: Who are you calling a tomboy? You're an even bigger pervert than him!

Nabiki makes yen manipulating all the men.
Akane can't decide to kiss him, or punch him in the head.
Poor Ranma Saotome.

Akane, Ryoga, Happosai, Soun, Genma,
Ukyo, Nabiki, Shampoo, Mousse, Kasumi,
Kuno and Kodachi, I am always watching,
Ranma Saotome. The U.S.A. needs more anime.
So send some more today. Send Ranma Saotome.

Ranma: What'd you do that for? Akane, can’t you just hear me out for once?
Akane: Pervert!
Ranma: Whooooaaa!!
Happosai: Ha ha ha ha!
Ranma: Damn you, old man!
Nabiki: Don’t they ever get tired of that constant fighting?
Happosai: I don’t think so!
Track Name: Cruis'n USA
(Cruis'n, yeah. Cruis'n USA, yeah)

If everybody had Nintendo Ultra 64
Then everybody'd be Cruis'n, for now and ever more (Choose your car!)
So throw out your Sega Saturn and Sony Station Play
And then we all will go Cruis'n, Cruisn' USA (Ready? Set? Go!)

And we'll go cruise through Frisco and US 101
Knockin' down those redwoods is sure a lot of fun (Oh, wow, redwoods!)
We're gonna cruise through Cali-F-O-R-N-I-A
Everybody's gone Cruis'n, Cruis'n USA (Checkpoint!)

You know it handles so smooth, doing 142
Cruis'n L.A. in a school bus, just like Keanu (Excellent!)
Not gonna stop 'till I'm in D.C., and once I'm there I'll stay
In the hot tub with Bubba, Cruis'n USA (So this is the Grand Canyon)

We're gonna cruise Mount Rushmore, and never hit the brakes
Through Chicago's Lower Wacker, like Elwood and Jake (We're on a mission from God!)
Through Indiana, Appalachia, there ain't no tolls to pay
Everybody's gone Cruis'n, Cruis'n USA (Welcome to the hall of fame)

(Cruis'n USA! Yee-Hoo! Y'all come back now, ya hear? Yee hee hee hee!)
Track Name: Spam (Let The Pork Be Pork)
SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!

Well here's another one, so just sing along, if you're in the mood.
A parody song that was written about food.
They never get defeated, a song just like "Eat It",
Will make a brother really really HUNGRY!
I'm-a show you how so fill, up your plate and say,
'YEAH, OOH YEAH, YEAH!' It's gonna be great!
Put it in your mouth, move your teeth so you can chew dat!
Have a second course, so you get really fat. Be ruthless.
Exercise your teeth, so you don't become toothless
People who need a cavity search. Ow!
Peace to the brothers who like "Weird Al"!
The man is makin' millions, talkin' 'bout the rye or the kaiser,
The white stuff, my bologna,
Rocky road, taco grande, waffles, and lasagna!
Addicted to spuds, cause they're kinda like yams,
But the stuff I like most is Spam!

SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!
SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!

I'm a plate smashin', food mashin', stone col' glutton. OOH!
I ate a rack of lamb because I really love mutton. AAH!
A home cooked meal, or a box of K.F.C.,
You gotta understand it doesn't matter to me.
NEXT COURSE! Time to move on with the meal.
Doritos, Chunky Soup, bouquet of veal,
Meatballs, fish sticks, Peanut Butter Crunch.
By the time I'm done with breakfast it's time for lunch.
Eat a pizza pie, with pepperon-i.
Number three meal, WITH SUPER SIZE FRIES!
Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, banana
Split served up on a big graham cracker.
A pickle is Vlasic. A Coke, it's a Classic.
By the time I'm done my size is Jurassic.
Life is worth livin' when I'm getting it delivery,
So come to my place, I'll be stuffin' up my face with SPAM!

... DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!
SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!

I'm a big boy, growin' up like jungle plants.
Hurry up and give me some fast food until I'm bustin' my pants.
Can't you see that I'm famished, for Twinkies so spongy.
I am a heavyweight! AND STILL I'M SO HUNGRY!
Don't take no food from out my mouth, because I bite when I chews
Many cashews and booze, I won't stop 'til I spews on your brand new shoes.
Um, excuse me. Here's my order. Ten orders of fries and,
A dozen apple pies and, seven Shamrock shakes,
and eleven diet sodas without ice and, a sundae would be so appetizin'!
Bu-bu-bu-but wait I'm not done! I want a bacon burger on a sesame bun,
And some meat in a can, you all know the plan.
B-boys make some noise, and just… eat Spaaaam!

SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!
SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!

(Monty Python Vikings in background begin chanting "Spam Spam Spam Spam" until music ends)

SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!
SPAM! DUN-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! LET THE PORK BE PORK!
SPAM! DUH-DUH-DAH! DUN-DUH-DAH! WITH A SPOON AND A FORK!
SPAM!

SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAAAAAAM!
Track Name: KFC Bitch
(Buck-buck-buck, bucka-bucka-buck-buck-buck...)

Aw, yeah. What's up out there? Luke Ski's in the house. Right about now I wanna tell you a little love story. You know what I'm sayin'? It's a Psycho Potpourri love story. Check out the lyrics, ya know? Gonna tell you 'bout what happened when we went downtown to get some grub.

I've eaten fast food all around the world
I went and gorged on a banana whip swirl
Burgers and fries, big shakes and pies
The kind of meal that would fill-up most guys
I got a hunger it feels kinda sultry
I'm in the mood for some supper-lovin' poultry
I met a woman and she will feed me
She's the fryin' grand gizzard of the KFC

(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, cookin' me a supper, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) I love my KFC Bitch, finger lickin' good, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, Extra Crispy ain't so bad
(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, mutha pluck her dear old dad

You know what I'm sayin'? So we was downtown eatin' some lucnh, ya know? Sir Real had some original. My man, J Styles, had some extra crispy. I fell in love with Colonel Sanders 22 year old daughter. It was wild. You know what I'm sayin'? And it got even worse, you know?

One night she took me to the kitchen
Into the fryer, pieces were pitchin'
There was thighs, wings, and drumsticks
Crispy, original, Chicken McNuggets
Our kind of lovin' is so raw
Covered each other with tons of coleslaw
She held me close and then said to me
That I was her Golden Rotisserie
What happened next was the best
She smeared mashed potatoes on my chest
Handed me her peice and gave me a nod
I nibbled on her breast and said "Oh my God!"

(Buck-buck-buck) I love my KFC Bitch, cookin' me a supper, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) I love my KFC Bitch, finger lickin' good, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) I love my KFC Bitch, Extra Crispy ain't so bad
(Buck-buck-buck) I love my KFC Bitch, mutha pluck her dear old dad

What we're really trying to say is Potpourri loves all the chicken. We love white meat, dark meat, nugget meat, it doesn't matter. If you're from a farm, or you got feathers, we will pluck you. Yo, that's all we sayin', man. Word.

So every year when Potpourri comes around
We go to lunch in every KFC in town
And you know I'm so lucky
That Baby Sanders left ol' Kentucky
Burger girls are all out of luck
Their beaks is too little and they just can't buck (Bguck?)
Every night you know where you'll find me
Nibblin' on the other white meat
I'll chomp on a leg, or two, or three
And wash it down with a little Ice T!

(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, cookin' me a supper, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, finger lickin' good, y'all
(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, Extra Crispy ain't so bad
(Buck-buck-buck) Love my KFC Bitch, mutha pluck (Buck-kaw?) her dear old dad

(random bucking...)
Track Name: Funny Man
Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Where'd that come from?" The duck says "It started as a growth on my butt!" Heh heh. Heh. Hello? Is this thing on?

Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Say it again now!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: I'm a funny, funny weird man!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Yes I am.
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.

I want to take a minute or two to give much respect to,
To the men like me and Rodney Dangerfield. (No respect!)
Because most women say that they like a sense of humor.
If that's true then I'm the man you want to feel for real.
So come and get it. I swear you won’t regret it, or fret it.
Getting involved with that late night talk show crowd.
They're makin' money while they're jokin'
They get laughs as soon as words are spoken,
and Jim Carrey, he's sssmokin'!
So here's to the comics that I protégé,
So when you see me coming I will hear you say,
"Eugh, you're so crazy! Stay away from my baby! Aaah!"

Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Yes I am!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: I'm a funny, funny weird man!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Take my wife please, now!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.

I got Moe like Larry 'cause I'm brutal with grace.
A body like Curly with a Harpo face. (Woo woo woo woo!)
Stupid like Stimpy with a real mad Ren. (Joy!)
And the manners of Beavis and Butthead. (Yeah!)
I always got a joke for you every time I see ya.
Makin' funny noises like an onomatopoeia.
You'll give me cheers every time I perform,
So I'll give you something that's out of the NORM!
I'll keep you in hysterics 'cause my act's so enticin'.
I'm not a fake wannabe, trying to be the Diceman
'Little Miss Muffet?' C'mon, that's dead.
You're makin' me Frantic, here's a boot to the head! (*boot* Uhh!)
First I'll say 'How are ya?', then I'll say 'Where are ya from?'
Whether it's stand-up or improvisation.
See other guys that you've had, they try to show that they have wit,
But when they tell a joke you say 'I don’t get it'.
You're never gonna get it, never gonna get it, Billy.
I'm just like Graham Chapman, 'cept I'm much too silly.
The original Dinsdale Piranha. You wanna ride on my
Flying Circus Monty Python-a?
And I'm not goin' down like Nemo.
My jokes are always primo, 'cuz you know that my name is not Emo.
My thoughts are never simple 'cause I have a harder mind,
Which means a lot to you 'cause hard men are good to find!

Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Funny, funny weird man!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Say it again now!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Ooh ooh ooh!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Said what a funny, funny weird man!
(Dinsdale?)
J Styles: I'm a funny, funny weird man!
(Dinsdale?)
J Styles: Now check 'em out.

For years I watched and learned from the likes of George Carlin,
Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Bill Murray, Steve Martin,
My material's fresh, and my timing is right.
I'll knock you out with one punch line the rest of the night.
I'm a real storyteller, never in a rush.
I don’t use vulgarity like a freakin' crutch.
Spend quality time, just perfecting my craft.
I don't want courtesy, I want real laughs.
A comic and an actor and I'll do a double take.
Speak in funny voices with a stutter and a shake.
I'll do a pratfall and land flat on my back.
Always a good lover, 'cause you're mother taught me that, ha!

Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Funny, funny weird man!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: Yes I am!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.
J Styles: What a funny weird man!
Funny man, funny man, funny man, what a funny weird man.

Thank you very much! Goodnight! Don’t forget to tip your waitress! Ha ha ha… Uh.

(Huh huh huh. He was funny.) (Yeah, he was pretty funny. Heh Hrm Heh.)
Track Name: The Doctor And William
(*The Doctor is in!!!*)

LUKE: …Because, playin’ funny music’s what he’s all about.
STYLES: He’ll take your radio station, turn it inside out.
J.T.: Livin’ in dementia is mental, not physical.
LUKE: With Dr. Demento, and Will gettin' Whimsical.
STYLES: At your beck and call, they will do what you please.
J.T.: Call 562-ODD-TUNE, and they’ll play “Dead Puppies”.
LUKE: Doc has
ALL: twenty-seven
STYLES: years and countin’ on the air.
LUKE: Will’s only got ten,
ALL: But what do we care?

LUKE: Most funniest people,
STYLES: They get top billin’.
J.T.: I get more laughs
ALL: From the Doctor and William!

(*Fire at will.* *Fire at will.* *Fire at will.* *Fire at will, fire at will, fire at will.* *Fire at will!*)

STYLES: The Demented News is on every week, and Will’s re-
ALL: portin’
STYLES: the ca-
ALL: vortin’
STYLES: of
J.T.: Every freak.
LUKE: Even crop field hedgehogs,
STYLES: Are punny and witty,
LUKE: At the Land
J.T.: of
LUKE: Dementia
J.T.: in
LUKE: Cul-
J.T.: ver
LUKE: City!
STYLES: Will’s at home,
ALL: Playin’ his Sega,
STYLES: Takin’ out a girly by the name of Enya.
STYLES: His hero’s dressed like a bat,
ALL: But don’t you ask him, “Where’s the bathroom’s at?!”
LUKE: The news is always funny,
J.T.: Man, there is no doubt.
(*Slow down, mister!* *I’m spittin’ mad!* *Ah, blow it out!*
*Hang onto them hats and glasses!* *Are we startin’ this again?*)
J.T.: Because he’s
ALL: got
J.T.: More sound
ALL: bites
J.T.: than
ALL: C.N.N.!

LUKE: Most funniest people,
STYLES: They get top billin’.
J.T.: I get more laughs,
ALL: From the Doctor and William.

ALL: Pico and Sepulveda, Pico and Sepulveda,
Pico and Sepulveda, Pico and Sepulveda!
Pico and Sepulveda! Pico and Sepulveda!
Pico and Sepulveda! Pico and Sepulveda!

ALL: Home coming shootin’, and carrot juice drinkin’!
ALL: Capitol Steppin', while Ray Stevens is streakin’!
J.T.: Tom Lehrer’s prepare-ered, Stan Freberg does Elvis,
STYLES: Col’ foolin’,
LUKE: Vestabule-in’,
J.T.: And my bouffant bulbous.
STYLES: Voobaha, and a bucket of fish heads,
LUKE: And if I was in Monty Python, my name would be ‘Two-Sheds’.
J.T.: Saint
LUKE: George-in’,
J.T.: Time
LUKE: Warpin’, playing every big hit.
ALL: The o - ther D. - J.s sound - like shaving cream!
LUKE: Most funniest people,
STYLES: They get top billin’.
J.T.: I get more laughs,
ALL: From the Doctor and William.

(*Aaah! Noooo! I can’t take it! Nooo! Ahhahhah! – That’s, that’s okay William! That’s okay William! That’s okay!*)

STYLES: It’s the second week of deer camp, drinkin’ da beer.
(*Open up the door, it’s Dave!*)
ALL: Man, Dave’s not here!
(*Who?*)
LUKE: Dungeons and Dragons,
J.T.: And the Dead Alewives
LUKE: Are havin’ Mountain Dew right at the Funny Five.
J.T.: Number Four is
STYLES: ‘Lijah,
J.T.: And Three,
STYLES: Muddah, Hello.
LUKE: With Fat at Number Two and Number One is as follows:
ALL: The Doctor And William by the great Luke Ski,
ALL: And his rowdy crew, known as Psycho Potpourri!

LUKE: Most funniest people,
STYLES: They get top billin’.
J.T.: I get more laughs,
ALL: From the Doctor and William.

LUKE: He has no patients,
STYLES: And no penicillin,
J.T.: Just thousands of tracks,
ALL: From the Doctor and William.
LUKE: With surfin’ old Mimi,
STYLES: And Popsicle Phil, and
J.T.: The Demented News,
ALL: With the Doctor and William.
LUKE: KY102
STYLES: If they mess up, I’ll kill ‘em,
J.T.: I must get laughs,
ALL: From the Doctor and William.
LUKE: Bugs Bunny-est people,
(*Eeeeh, what’s up Doc?*)
STYLES: (E. Fudd voice:) I get mowe waffs fwom the Doctow and William.
LUKE: Simpson-niest people,
(*Whi-Whi-Whimsical Will here!*)
J.T.: I get more news from the Doctor and William.

LUKE: Simpleton-niest people,
J.T.: Like Spike and the City Slickers.
LUKE: Home-spun-niest people,
J.T.: Like Homer and Jethro, man.
LUKE: Unison-niest people,
J.T.: Like Bobs and the Foremen.
LUKE: Accordion-niest people,
J.T.: “Weird Al” Yankovic.
LUKE: Records spun-niest people,
J.T.: This is the right way to parody,
LUKE: Number One-niest people,
J.T.: The Beastie Boys.
LUKE: The rerun-niest, punniest, funniest people,
J.T.: I hope they put this song on the air. Yeah.

LUKE: (Dr. Demento voice:) And on the cool checkin’, center stage on the mic, and we’re putting it on wax, it’s the new style! Woo woo woo!…

(*To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time, and I’ll be happy to see those…*)
Track Name: Pamela
Note: This song is based on an idea from, and the opinions of, one of my best friends from High School & College, 'Miss Tricia', from back in the days when I was trying to get my friends involved with my comedy music under the band name "Luke Ski's Psycho Potpourri" (that name was dropped when I made my 3rd CD "Carpe Dementia"). The song features her and my other best friend, J. Styles, as we discuss spanktacular celebrity, Pamela Anderson. (Also, I'm embarrassed to admit I accidentally stole a joke from "the Simpsons" in here, and I cringe whenever I hear it. Can you pick it out?)


J Styles: Hey Luke Ski!
Luke Ski: Hey J Styles, what's up?
J Styles: I was flipping through the channels last night and you know what was on?
Luke Ski: Oh, what?
J Styles: The making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition!
Luke Ski: Oooh yeah!
J Styles: You know who was on the cover this year? Tyra Banks!
Luke Ski: "Tyra Banks! You left your toothbrush at my house!"
J Styles: Yeah, I taped it for you so you can watch it later.
Luke Ski: Thanks a lot man, I, uh, uh oh.
J Styles: What?
Luke Ski: Oh, here she comes.
J Styles: Oh boy here we go.
Luke Ski: Just let her vent for a while and we'll get through this in one piece.
J Styles: I gotcha man.
Miss Tricia: Hey!
Luke Ski: Oh, hi, Miss Tricia!
J Styles: How's it goin', sweetie?
Miss Tricia: All right, you can stop sucking up to me right now, you men! I'm here to express myself as a woman of the 90's, and I hired you two idiots to sing back-up, not make wisecracks!
Luke Ski: Boy did you get hosed on that deal.
Miss Tricia: What?
Luke Ski: Uh, I, I said nothing!

That slut makes me sick.
Only 35% of her body is organic.
Baywatch beach blanket bimbo.
I've seen less silicone in a pay telephone.
Don’t the men know it's all airbrushing, and special effects?
I'll wring their necks,

The next time I see them talking, gauking, watching, or even thinking about that, that,

Pamela! I hate that-
Pamela-ha! Lee Anderson, whatever her name is!
Pamela! Why can't she just die?
Pamela-ha!

Luke Ski: I would like to thank Trish for keeping us abreast of the situation
Miss Tricia: Shut up!

Struttin' across the TV screen,
She makes a teenage girl lose all self esteem.
Blonde hair, roots are brownish-red.
I've seen more realistic lips on a potato head.
Don't you know she's just some harpy, sent from straight out of Hell,
Made by Mattel!

Luke Ski: Let's go down to Toys 'R Us and get one for ourselves!
J Styles: I got your Kung-fu grip right here!
Miss Tricia: You, you two are gonna die!

Pamela! (Luke Ski: Stop drooling on the mic! J Styles: Oh, sorry.)
Pamela-ha! (Luke Ski & J Styles: Yakity-yakity-yakity-ehh-ehh-ehh!)
Pamela! (J Styles: I bet David Hasslehoff never wrote a song like this!)
Pamela-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (Luke Ski: Rick Flair! J Styles: Woo!)

Miss Tricia: All those anorexic supermodel twits need to be destroyed and I'm just the woman to do it!
J Styles: What about Cindy Crawford!
Miss Tricia: I'll crucify her!
Luke Ski: Jenny McCarthy?
Miss Tricia: Death by catapult!
J Styles: Demi Moore?
Miss Tricia: Burn her at the stake!
Luke Ski: Kate Moss!
Miss Tricia: I'll put a lamp shade on her head and plug her into the wall!
J Styles: Kathy Ireland?
Miss Tricia: We'll have a blarney stoning!
Luke Ski: Alicia Silverstone?
Miss Tricia: I'll crush her!
J Styles: Cameron Diaz?
Miss Tricia: I'll smoke her!
Luke Ski: Anna Nicole Smith?
Miss Tricia: I'll make her marry O.J.!
J Styles: Ricki Lake?
Miss Tricia: Don’t you talk about Ricki Lake! Ricki Lake is a national hero! Now shut up! I don’t want to hear another word out of either of you two men!

Pam's hair dryer's running a bit hot tonight.
(Luke Ski: Have you seen Pamela's hair? J Styles: Yeah.)
She can barely see her toes from the implants in her chest.
(Luke Ski: I understand her hair was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright? J Styles: Really?)
I'd like to reach out, grab her neck and, pop her stupid dandelion head off.

My boyfriend, what a man, promised never to watch her again.
But that lair, saw "Barb Wire", so I set his head on fire now!
J Styles: Waaaaoooowww!

Pamela! (Luke Ski: Hey what about all those posters you got?)
Pamela-ha! (J Styles: Yeah, of Hugh Grant, Al Pacino, and LL Cool J?)
Pamela! (Miss Tricia: Did I give you permission to speak? J Styles: No.)
Pamela-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Pamela! (Luke Ski: Remind me to hide my Playboys when she's around.)
Pamela-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Pamela!

Miss Tricia: I'm done, you may drive me home now.
J Styles & Luke Ski: Yes dear.
Track Name: Murder Was The Play
Let Hercules himself do what he may,
The cat may new and DOG will have his day,
Bow wow wow, yippie yo, yippie yay.

As I look up at the sky,
My mind starts trippin', A tear drops my eye.
Elsinore becomes dark.
There is somethin' really rotten in the state of Denmark.
My father was the king, now he's chillin'.
Gertude's illin', Claude is a villian.
Dear god, please save me from this folly.
I can't live, my life is oh so melancholy.
I think it's too late for prayin', hold up.
A spirit speaks to me, it's my father, and he's sayin',
"CLAUDIUS KILLED ME WHEN HE WAS ON THE PROWL."
You mean it was a murder?
"MURDER MOST FOUL."
Oh father please, tell me the solution.
"IF YOU HATH EVER LOVED ME, THEN GET SOME RETRIBUTION.
GO AND REST MY SOUL, GO AND TAKE CONTROL.
VENGE MY LIFE, MY SON." My eyes closed.

Murder!… Murder was the play that they gave me.
Murder!… Murder was the play that they gave me.

So I started actin' crazy.
I see my Momma and my Uncle through eyes, no longer hazy.
Who needs enemies, Horatio, I say,
With friends like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, but anyway, I get some
Actors for me to go act out the deed,
And everything the spirit said, came to reality.
Watching Uncle Claudius sit.
Did he flinch? He nearly had a shizit-fit!
I told my Momma a thing or two about dear old Dad.
And then I stuck Polonius because I was acting mad.
"JUST REMEMBER, YOUR MOM'S BEFRIENDED,
OR ELSE THY FATHER THOU HAS MUCH OFFENDED."
Indeed. Agreed. Proceed to line read.
Every thought I have, is soliloquied.
They say I'm wordy, but I still talk mo',
Cause I'm verbally a virtuoso. Really though.
CHECK IT OUT:
Yes, to be or not to be.
That is the question, before me.
Whether tis nobler, to col' defend 'em.
Or else by just, opposing end 'em.
No more Danish wine and juice.
I'm on my way to England, heading for a long noose.
I'll switch the notes and run,
Because the English know that two heads are better than wizzun, how fun!
A beggar diggin' graves don’t recognize my face.
Cause I'm the Fresh Prince of Denmark, H-A-M-L-E-T!
Yorick's gone, Ophelia looks bleak,
Because she went nuts and then drown in the creek.
So I swordfight her bother Laertes.
My Mother took a drink that made her life cease.
Laertes came and told me after he was slain,
That I got stuck with a poison and the King is to blame.
So I ran him right through, the guy I was despisin'
The body count's currently seven and risin',
And I probably won't make it to see twenty-fo',
Word to Willy Shakespeare, I'm-a ride for you, Romeo!

Murder!… (HA HA HA HAAA!) Murder was the play that they gave me.
Murder!… (YEAH!) Murder was the play that they gave me.
Murder!… (BYOTCH!) Murder was the play that they gave me.
Murder!… Murder was the play that they gave me.
SIX MILLION PLAYS TO WRITE, CHOOSE ONE!
Track Name: Gump - Live, 3-9-96
Forrest: My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Gump sat alone, waiting for a bus,
With his suitcase and a box of chocolates.
Tells us about his interesting life.
His momma and Bubba and Jenny his wife.
He's Gump, He's Gump,
Slow in the head.
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump,
The life he led.

Played football for Alabama state,
Saved Lieutenant Dan from his Vietnam fate.
Played ping pong like it ain't no thing.
Is Gump catchin' shrimp or rockin' out with the king?

He's Gump, He's Gump,
His magic shoes,
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump,
Will never lose.

Bubba, Bubba, ba Bubba Gump.
Bubba, Bubba, ba Bubba Gump.
Bubba, Bubba, ba Bubba Gump.
Bubba!

Gump went on a long cross-county run.
Made love just once and had a little son.
Went and mowed his lawn just for fun every day,
Then he met the Presidents of the U. S. of A.!

He's Gump, He's Gump,
His head is buzzed.
He's Gump, He's Gump,
"Stupid is as stupid does."

Will Gump sail the Bayou? I think so.
Is he our favorite guy shit happens to? I think so.
Will Gump have a nice day? I think so.
Will Gump take the Oscar away?

Forrest: And that's all I have to say about that.
Track Name: All I Wanna Do Is Shoot Some Guns
This ain't Jurassic Park
It ain't Forest Gump, either
This is Pulp Fiction

"You know they call a Quarter Pounder a Royale with Cheese in France?"
Says Vincent Vega next to me out of nowhere.
I'm getting into character, a gangster named Jules.
Just like Mr. Pink, or Blonde, or Brown, or Orange.

And he's plain stupid to me,
And I wonder if he's ever given a foot massage in his whole life.
And we are drinking tasty beverages at 7:25,
In an appartment with Brad and his Big Kahuna burgers.

And Brad and his buisness partners ain't talking their way out of this stuff,
'Cause I don't remember asking them a (gunshot sound effect) damn thing!.

Brad should now "What" ain't a country,
So I read them Ezekiel 25:17.
Well, they're nothing like Vincent and me,

'Cause all we wanna do is shoot some guns,
And I get a feeling that we're not the only ones.
All we wanna do is shoot some guns.
We're just like Seinfeld with live ammuntion.
All we wanna do is shoot some guns,
Until Quentin yells "cut" on the Tarantino movie yard.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men"

Mia likes a five dollar shake late in the evening,
And Butch likes to read a watch from his father's butt.
Marsellus fixes fights but he should watch his back for Zed and The Gimp.
Fabienne eats blueberry pie for breakfast.

Marvin lost his head so we took him to Jimmy's house,
But Jimmy informs us that he's not a dead gangser storage.

The Wolf comes to dispose of the car.
Honey Bunny doesn't want to kill anybody.
Ringo shouts out "Garson, coffee!".

But all we wanna do is shoot some guns,
And I get a feeling that we're not the only ones.
All we wanna do is shoot some guns.
Oh, I'm sorry did I break your concentration?
All we wanna do is shoot some guns,
Until Quentin yells "cut" on the Tarantino movie yard.

"Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children"

Otherwise, the chopper is ours.
The Fruit Brute, Red Apples, and the Kangaroo too.
The flies and the blowtorch and the old bedroom set.
The Pigs and the dorks.

But all we wanna do is shoot some guns,
And I get a feeling that we're not the only ones.
All we wanna do is shoot some guns.
My life is saved by divine intervention.
All we wanna do is shoot some guns,
And me and Vincent are gonna get medieval on your...
All we wanna do is shoot some guns,
Until Quentin yells "cut" on the Tarantino movie yard.

Oh yeah, From Dusk 'Till Dawn on the Tarantino movie yard.

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Track Name: Aliens Just Don't Understand
(Something you want to add to this briefing, Capitan Hiller?)
(No, Sir. Just a lttle anxious to get up there, and whup ET's ass, that's all.)

You know, aliens that come on down from outer space
Don't know the proper way to celebrate on Independence Day
So, to all humankind across the land
There's no need to argue, aliens don't understand.

Independence Day
Independence Day
Independence Day
(As we goes a little somethin' like this. Hit it!)

I remember one day, I think it was July 2nd
I woke up, gave a yawn, scratched my head and my neck
Went out, got the paper, looked up, and said "Hey,
A spaceship the size of Toledo flyin' over LA"

Meanwhile, in New York, playin' chess in the park
Was David Levinson, when the sky got dark
It was another ship come down from outer space
Got so dark, you couldn't see the crime in front of your face

All across the world, it was the same ol' thing
The biggest UFO scare since 1963
Over London, Moscow, Paris, Rome, and Japan
Just how in the hell are we supposed to get a tan?

David got to work, and my man he was tight
Found a hidden signal in the satellite
He said "It's a countdown, and it won't last long"
Marty said "I just wanna be loved, is that so wrong?"

David grabed his dad, and fought through the bustle
They Escaped From New York, except without Kurt Russell
David went to the White House, he had somethin' to prove
He found (LONE STARR!) oops, worng movie.

President Whitmore, yeah that was his name
He got the job through his Gulf War pilot fame
David told him "They're gonna kill us, take the Earth, and disect it"
Prez said "Looks I can forget getting re-elected"

He told everyone it was a real Code Red
Hoped on Air Force One, and DC they fled
And just like David told him, without any braggin'
They fixed our little red welcome waggon

And even though some idiots would celebrate
4-3-2-1 came the big checkmate
The bottom of the ship shot out some cosmic rays
Turns out July 2nd's just one of those days

The space ship blew LA away to smithereens
Oh well, so much for Carlton and Hillary
So, to all of humankind across the land
Take it from me, aliens don't understand

(Hey, Leroy, did you see the movie?)
(What, Mission Impossible?)
(No, c'mon, man. I saw the movie last night. It cost $474,000,000 to make that movie, 'cause they had to rebuild all the stuff they blew up.)
(You always lyin'. You always lyin'.)

OK, here's the situation
The Earth just faced total annihilation
And their welcome's worn out, they're time's expired
(Let's kick the tires and light the fires, Big Daddy)

That's where I step in, Captain Steven Hiller
Number 1 Top Gun, and now alien killer
Me and Captian Jimmy and the wild Black Knights
Are gonna give those E.T. suckas one hell of a fight

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
The ship had a forcefield, we couldn't get in a shot
So I forced one down, and when he crash landed
I got out and shouted (Ship all banged up, who's the man!?)

(Welcome to Earth) but he grinned an evil grin
And said (Boy, I'm gonna tear your butt limb from limb)
Just who do you think you're trying to destory?
I'm made in America, a real Bad Boy

The Fresh Prince of Roswell and he said "Why"?
I said (Eh, I dunno, I'm just a hell of a guy)
But if you wanna rule the world, I won't deny it
Go ahead and take it, PSYCH!, don't even try it

I knocked him out and dragged him in the sun
To army base Area 51
I came to the gate and said "What have I missed?"
"They just destoyed Philly"
Ok, now I'm pissed

These guys are harder to beat than Mike Tyson
That's when David said we should put a virus in
The alien ship, so they'll be disabled
And just like Jazzy, we can turn the tables

(We will not go quietly into the night)
(We will not vanish without a fight)
It's Independence Day, so celebrate with me
Are you ready? I said "Prez, I'm ready to rock, see?"

Me and David snuck on to the ship with ease
(Awww, I have GOT to get me one of these!)
The hero of the battle was Russell Casse
An alcoholic Vietnam flying ace

He once was abducted, but now he's elated
To fly into the light and say (Payback's a bitch, ain't it?)
Let's get the hell outta here before they kill ya
(Must go faster, must go faster) Hmm, that sounds familiar

We shot out of there like a waterslide flume
And then (Boom! Shake, shake, shake the room!)
I brought us home on a prayer and wing
And if you listen close you'll hear the Fat Lady singin'

So, that's the story, and, yeah it was strange
And since then a couple of things have changed
Since my house got blown up, I'm living at a Howard Johnson
And the new nation's capital's Milwaukee, Wisconsin

So, listen, homeboys, don't mean to bust your bubble
But space aliens ain't nothin' but trouble
So, next time, an ET gives you the play
Just remember my rhymes and get the hell away

Independence Day
Independence Day

Hey, yo Jeff, it's July 4th. You know what that means? That's right. That means it's Summertime.

(In the Summer, Summertime)
We're too damn hype

Gonna save all of mankind
We're too damn hype
In the Summertime

(In the Summer, Summertime)
We're too damn hype

Gonna see it six more times
We're too damn hype
New definition of Summer Madness
Track Name: Trekkie Case
Do you have the time
To watch some Deep Space Nine,
Or Voyager, Next Gen, or original one?
I am one of those
Fake Spock ear wearing fools.
Obsessive to the bone, no doubt about it.
Sometimes I give you all the creeps.
Haven’t dated since ‘seventy.
So go on call my bluff.
I just can’t get enough
Of Chakotay, Counselor Troi, Sisko, and Bones.

I guess you could call me, a Trekkie case!

I went to a con
Dressed up like a Klingon.
I sold my Mom’s wheelchair to buy the head-ridge.
And while I was there,
Bought Shatner’s underwear
Which I keep sealed up air-tight in a shrine in my fridge.
Guess what I did all month last May?
I spent it stalking George Takei.
I flashed him, he got scared,
And screamed “What is that down there?!”
That’s no tribble Sulu, I’m just happy to see you.

Constellation class,
Is tattooed on my ass!

Don’t got a job, don’t leave my bed.
The TV’s duck taped to my head.
I watch it ‘til I puke,
and if I could meet Jean-Luc,
I’d say “As long as you’re out looking for life, find one for me!”
Track Name: Fantastic Voyager
Janeway: Computer, initiate emergency medical holographic program.
Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Yeah, that's the ticket.
Come on y'all, let's take a ride.
Don’t you say Chakotay, just get inside.
It's time to take you all on another kind of ship,
So sit back and hear the tale of a fateful trip.
Captain Janeway's at the helm,
Givin' all of the orders in her Starfleet realm.
Searchin' Badlands for Maquis lunatics,
In the NCC-74656.
Ain't no Jean Luc, ain't no Benji,
Ain't no Klingons, Romulans, or Ferengi,
Or Bajorans, or Cardassians to attack,
So it really don’t matter, we just wanna get back,
I got brought here by the Caretaker.
70,000 light years, and it's such a heartbreaker.
If you can't take the heat, get your ass out the galley.
Uh! No time to dally.

Come along and fly on a fantastic Voyager.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
Starflett and Maquis learning to survive.
Come along and fly on a fantastic Voyager.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
By the time I get home, I'll be 105.

I'm tryin' to find a way that I can be objective,
And still not violate the Prime Directive.
Help the Ocampa find a way to live on,
Without livin' in fear of the Keyzon.
And even if I get away from those Keyzon idiots,
I still gotta worry about those phagin' Vidians.
They're gross and decrepit, but they do not beg,
Cause and rendezvous will cost an arm and a leg.
I try to have faith in my crew,
but sometimes my crew keeps splittin' in two.
"You don’t understand about fightin' to be free,
'Cause you ain't Maquis!"
And, "You know how to take orders and stand to the beat,
'Cause now you're Starfleet!"
If you wanna get home, then just stop this fight.
(Hell yeah) And let the crew unite.

Come along and fly on a fantastic Voyager.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
We do what we do just to survive.
Come along and fly on a fantastic Voyager.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
Just cruisin' along at warp 9.5.

Holo Doc Zimmerman could be nicer,
But still I gotta say to him "Hail Lord Schweitzer!"
And Kes will finesse will impress on the test
And the rest may have guessed, as a nurse, she's the best.
Neelix, is cookin' up the soup dujour,
for Security Vulcan, Tuvok Shakur.
Chakotay helps me to adapt,
And Ensign Harry Kim is always gettin' kidnapped.
The pilot Tom Paris is an egotister,
He went out with both of the Delaney sisters,
And I'm sure he'll wanna, get with B'lanna
Torres Klingonna, tryin' to reach nirvana.
Searchin' and scannin' and cavortin'.
If we wanna get somewhere, then we better start warpin'
That's the way I rock a jam on the UPN.
Stay tuned, up next is Platypus Man.

Come along and fly on a fantastic platypus.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
Richard Jeni makes me laugh with a twist of lime.
Come along and fly on a fantastic Voyager.
Slide, Slipidy slide.
Monday nights, 8 o'clock, Eastern Standard Time.

Just warp along. That's what you do. Just warp along. That's right.
Just warp along. That's what you do. Just warp along. That's right.
Do you want to Trek with me?
Do you want to Trek with me?
Do you want to Trek with me?
Do you want to Trek with me?
Track Name: Thank Q
Q: Bonjour, Mon Capitan!

I was stuck on a starship in outer space.
I needed to think of a way to make life interesting. Na na na!
There has to be a better being.
Sing it again, an omnipotent being, to have some fun with. Hmmm.
So I thought up this song,
To show my appreciation for being so awesome.
You don’t know how much you mean to me.

Ever since your royal inquisition way back at the Farpoint mission.
You're right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
Commander Riker was a fool, because he could have been just as cool.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)

(Geordi and Worf and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Sisko and Quark and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Tuvok and Kes and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Chakotay, Dax, and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Bop Mmm Bop!

Jean Luc Picard has never faced a villain,
Who can style, and profile, and raise Hell like you can.
Even on Deep Space Nine you, vanished away the whole crew,
And so Sisko hit you.
You know I'll never complain,
'Cause you're the biggest bad-ass in the quadrant since Trelane.
Q: What a pity.
You don’t know how much you mean to me.

And when the troops were getting bored, you introduced us all to the Borg.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
I jumped up and cheered for more, when you hid inside the warp core.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
And even without all your powers, you kept us rolling for hours.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
You sure showed off a lot of moxie battling with Robin of Locksley.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)

(Geordi and Worf and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Sisko and Quark and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Tuvok and Kes and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Riker, Jean Luc!
(Chakotay, Dax, and Odo)
Riker, Riker, Riker, Break it down now!

Data! Data! Da-a-ata, ha! Da-a-a- Data!
I said Data! Data! Da-a-ata! Data! Ooh-ooh-ooh-Data!

You took Jean Luc back to his youth, and showed him the moment of truth.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
And back on Voyager it was grand, when you called yourself to the stand.
You were right there, (and right there!) and I thank Q.
(Thank both of you! Thank the baby Q!)
Whether he's casual or fancy, thank God for John DeLancie.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
One thing you must admit my friend, all good things don’t come to an end.
You were right there, and I thank Q. (Thank Q!)
The universe won't be sublime, 'til you're starring in "Star Trek 9".
You were right there, and I thank Q.

I will not promise never to return again!

Q: Humans.
Track Name: Viva Las Nagus
Nagus: Heh heh heh! Quark! Where's my beetle snuff?

Business ventures gonna set my soul,
Gonna set my soul on fire.
There's a whole lotta profit that's ready to earn,
So get those stakes up higher.
There's a thousand stupid suckers waiting out there.
They're all foolish, so buyer beware,
'Cause I'm a Ferengi with latinum to spare.
So viva las Nagus! Viva las Nagus!

Oh how I wish that there were more
than one worm hole in the sky.
But still at Quark's on D.S.9,
The business opportunities are high.
Oh, there's holosuites, and synthale, and the Dabo wheel.
Rom, Nog, and Quark will replicate your meal.
All you need's your wallet, and a Domjot deal.
So viva las Nagus! Viva las Nagus!

Viva las Nagus. All the wannabe financiers come to me for all the answers,
Cruisin' in my latinum Cadillac.
Ho, say, Viva las Nagus. How did I get my position? The first rule of acquisition,
"Once you have their money, you never give it back!"

Hey Leeta, spin the Dabo wheel one time! Thank you very much! Whoo-wah!

I'm gonna be on the run, I'm gonna have me some fun,
If it costs you your very last dime.
Oh, if you wind up broke, oh well, you'll always remember,
Be a smarter investor next time.
I'll rule the quadrant with no opposal.
Hundreds of females at my disposal.
Waiting for my indecent proposal!

Viva las Nagus! Viva las Nagus! Viva las Nagus!
Viva, viva las Nagus!

Hey, why don't you make me a peanut butter and tube grub sandwich? Thank you. Thank you very much. C'mon, Sonny, Red, Damon Tok, let's go!

Nagus: Heh heh! Where's my beetle snuff?
Track Name: Gowron Said Knock You Out
Don't call it a comeback! We've been here for years!
Conquerin' worlds, fillin' suckas with fear!
Cruisin' along in my Klingon Bird Of Prey,
Waiting for judgement day.
Dominion! Overpowerin'!
The Alpha Quadrant is cowerin',
But they'll stop, when I drop
These lyrics that'll make you shout "QAPLA!"
The nightmare's here! The battle is soon,
So go and prepare.
The Way of the Warrior's always to slice and dice.
Federation's paying the price!

I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! (HAAAAH!)
I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! (HAAAAH!)

Don't you call us a regular race! Ah,ah,ah,ah
We rule outer space. Ah,ah,ah,ah
We're gonna take your itty bitty world by storm. Ah,ah,ah,ah
You have just been warned.
So full of Honor, just like Emperor Kahless. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Watch me take this horn by the bull. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Who do you have a beef with? Ah,ah,ah,ah
Why do you mess with me, Ah,ah,ah,ah
The honorful Klingon? Ah,ah,ah,ah
And when I pull out my bat'leth, get ready, it'll bring on death! Ah,ah,ah,ah
Try to catch your breath, Ah,ah,ah,ah
I'll kill you just like MacBeth. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Cardassia's infiltrated with,
Founders who can shape-shift.
They’re morphin' endorphins.
Captain Sisko's got Commander Worf,
An old toothless grizna cat? Ah,ah,ah,ah
There's no way were we're going out like that! Ah,ah,ah,ah

I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! (HAAAAH!)
I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! ATTAAAAACK!

Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla!

Drinking prune juice, just like it was classic Coke!
WORF! The son of Mogh!
What made him abandon his whole race?
So now he's got a new place.
We're going insane, Ah,ah,ah,ah

Raising a lot of Cain in this campaign. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Letting you know, you can't gain or restrain. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Master of your domain. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Rippin', killin', kickin', and drillin'. Ah,ah,ah,ah
Let's go. (WHERE?!) To the worm hole.

I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! (HAAAAH!)
I'm gonna knock you out! (HUUUUH!)
Gowron said knock you out! (HAAAAH!)

Phaser blasts are heard,
When I fire and kill at will.
I'm devourin', phasers showerin',
All for Gowron.
I'm gonna knock you down and make you understand Ah,ah,ah,ah
That I'm not your average man, Ah,ah,ah,ah
When I got a bat'leth in my hand!… Damn! Ah,ah,ah,ah
Ooh! Listen to the way I slay! Your crew? Ah,ah,ah,ah
Damage! (QIH!) Damage! (QIH!)
Damage! (QIH!) Damage! (QIH!)
Destruction, terror, and mayhem.
Pass me a Romulan sucker, I slay him!
Martok! (WHAT?!) Martok! (WHAT?!)
I'm ready! (WE'RE READY!)
We're gonna take Cardassia! (QAPLA!)
Don't you never ever try to be clever.
Cause I will cloak. Makin' your defenses a joke.
You are a goner.
Cause all Klingons fight to the death with HONOR!
Knock you out! Gowron said knock you out!

I'm gonna knock you out! Ah,ah,ah,ah
Gowron said knock you out! Ah,ah,ah,ah
I'm gonna knock you out! Ah,ah,ah,ah
Gowron said knock you out! Ah,ah,ah,ah
I'm gonna knock you out! Ah,ah,ah,ah
Gowron said knock you oooouuuut!!! Ah,ah,ah,ah

Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! -
Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla! - Qih! Qapla! Qih! Qapla!
Track Name: Born To Lose
Note: I wrote this song during a period of my life in the mid-to-late 90's where it seemed that I was just catching crap from every conceivable angle. Writing this song was therapeutic for me and helped me get through it. I cringe when I listen to it now for that reason, and because of the vocals. It wasn't until after the album was in the can that it even occurred to me that if I had sang the song doing a Bruce Springsteen impression, it would have sounded more powerful, and have been so much better vocally and comedically. It probably also would have had more longevity to it as well. Oh well, live and learn.


This song is the story of my life, and evey single part of it is absolutly true

Every day I grew up going to school
In my mid-west Wisconsin town
Everyone I met, everywhere I went
Everything tried to keep me down

But I got through once I had learned this
That knowledge of ignornace surely is powerful bliss

Whoa, when life throws you into the circular file
Just accept it, relax, and move on with a smile
It's an offer you just can't refuse
'Cause dorks like me, baby we were born to lose

Oh yes, we were

If paradise was just $3.00
I know I'd have $2.98
And if I left for work 2 hours early
I'd still be 15 minutes late

The best laid plans of mice and men
And of guys like me will most likely get screwed up again

Whoa, I tried real hard to impress my boss
Brushed my teeth, combed my hair, shaveed my face, and I flossed
But I got sent home for wearing the wrong shoes
'Cause dorks like me, baby we were born to lose

Now, you could get depressed and mad and frustrated
And let life get you down
'Cause the guy you want to be is Sean Connery
But you're still just Charlie Brown

Just accept early on that the trophy is gone
Laugh it off and prepare for the play
And when you fly by, give Lucy the finger
When she pulls the football away. Ha!

Oh, come on, guys, could we at least finish the song, please?
Thank you

I treat all woman with respect and equality
In hopes that I'll find a wife
But I know, chances are that I'll never
Get laid again for the rest of my life

So read the fine print on the golden rule
Where it says that you'll probably end up as someone's footstool

Whoa, they say nice guys always finish last place
That's not true, 'cause nice guys aren't even allowed in the race
We're on the sidelines with knots in our shoes
'Cause dorks like me, baby we were born to lose

Oh, Honey, dorks like me, baby we were born to lose

C'mon, Christine, dorks like us, baby we were born to lose

Woah, Loser!
Woah, Loo-ooo-ooo-ser!
Woah, Woah!
Woah, Loo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ser!
Track Name: I Kissed A Squirrel
Note: This song is about, and sung by Birdseed Bobby and Dusty, characters created and performed by Brody Railton and Michael Sienkowski, from the improv video series "Ray TV". The number of people who actually saw "Ray TV" outside of those directly involved could probably be counted on one hand. So no, you're not going to, nor are you supposed to understand anything in this song. Ironically, out of all the people I've parodied over the years, this song, the one that makes no sense to no one, is the only one that actually got heard by the artist I was parodying, thanks to the interwebs. I met Jill Sobule at Summerfest in Milwaukee shortly after, and she was very nice and was flattered. I bought her CD, and she autographed it with the message, "I guess you've made it when they parody you, except I'm poor and still relatively unknown." (Addendum: Recently the Fat Boys heard my song "All You Can Tweet" which was also awesome.).


Bobby: C'mon, Dusty, let's show these homeboys how to rock!

Dusty: OK, Bobby!

Bobby: So, all you infidels better shut up and listen!

Dusty came over and told me about Shwabby
She's such hairy Bohemian slob
Dumb as a hammer and a monkey
But she makes some awesome rice

So I opened up and told him about Scroto
How he flew to Jamaica with a doggie named Toto
And a Libertarian Velociraptor
I'm aroused (Dusty: Yeah, me too)

So we ran 'round the bend
We're gonna start a brand new trend
With our little rodent friend (Viking Squirrel: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo)

I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)

At the park it's to our liking
To kiss a squirrel that looks like a viking (Viking Squirrel: ANAL!)
Also makes tasty entrees
They're the San Fransisco treat (Dusty: Ding ding) Nice

So I wash it down with a tall can of water
With potatoes and Jell-O for a side order
I pitty the poor fool who tries to steal my rice
(Dusty: Is it time for Puppet Show?)

The whole thing made us sick
(Dusty: Don't ya hate coughing up chew toys?)
So we fed the leftovers
To Hojo Hockeystick
(Viking Squirrel: I am the Viking Squirrel! I love you, Birdseed Bobby!)

I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
(Dusty: Is it time for Movie Review?)
I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
I love you too, Squirrel.

I kissed a squirrel here in my palm
It's just like kissing Dusty's Mom (Dusty: Thanks, Mom)
I know it cost over $2.42, but it was worth it

Hunga hunga hai hai
Hunga hunga hoobie dabba hoobie dabba
Hunga hunga hai hai
Hunga hunga hoobie dabba

And we'll sniff at their butts (Viking Squirrel: EWWWWWWW)
We can eat their acorns
And they'll eat our nuts
(Dusty: I don't have any nuts, I'm a puppet!)

I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
For the 37th time
I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
And I'm gonna do it again, too, Dusty
I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)
(Reporter: I came here to shoot crap)
I kissed a squirrel (I kissed a squirrel)

I kissed a squirrel
It was so tragic
It felt just like CyberFote magic, but better (CyberFote: I am CyberFote)
I kissed a squirrel

When I kiss a squirrel
I'll transform into a giant mutant monster
Soon to become master of the world, ha ha ha ha
(For the first time) (Dusty: I wanna go watch WCW)

Until next time, remember (I kissed a squirrel)
Hens love roosters
Mike loves Schwabby (Won't be the last time)
Everybody else
Loves Birdseed Bobby (Dusty: And Dusty!)

Bobby: Dusty, shut your ricehole, or I'll take you onto that Jungle Gym and make you a man!

Dusty: Sorry, Bobby.

(Viking Squirrel: Anal! We love Anal! Got to get the Anal! WOO!)