Of all of the "meta" songs I've written, this one stands out as one of the most meta-est.
In 1994, I started performing my live act of nerdy comedy music for pop-culture geeks at fandom conventions all over the Midwest. As I wrote more songs, I would typically end up memorizing them by practicing them in the car on the multiple-hour-long drives to these events. Heck, sometimes I'd even rehearse them at home!
About 20 years later, I ended up moving to the west coast, taking a full time position on a comedy cartoon show, eventually reducing the number of Midwest conventions I performed at down to just the two that I help run, MarsCon and FuMPFeST, with an occasional local comedy club gig in the L.A. area. This led to a situation where finding the time to memorize, or even rehearse the new songs I wrote and recorded before I had to perform them live on stage to being nearly impossible. Even now, as I am looking and storyboard testing for potential new positions on other cartoon shows, ride-share-driving for a living, and helping plan the aforementioned events among many other things, I still can't ever seem to find the time for memorizing and rehearsing.
So, this song is me just telling it like it is, or more to the point, telling it how it's felt from my point of view, performing any of my new songs from the past 4 years at any of these events, as opposed to performing the ones from decades past that I know so well I could perform them in my sleep. So to all of my fans and friends who have borne witness to what I'm describing in this new song in recent years, I thank you all for your patience, your understanding, and your still giving me and my new material a chance despite the fact that I am up there on stage, I am assuming, looking like the rankest of amateurs. Your mercy, laughter, and applause is so much appreciated.
lyrics
Luke: Mic check-a, one two...
Verse 1:
The audio is working. Cool, good.
Hopefully the video is playing like it should.
That's my band. Is there a music stand?
Uh, the lyrics?... they're here in my hand.
Printed at a Kinko's, or possibly at home,
Unless I got my tablet, or I'm reading off my phone.
...Is the microphone working right?
Adjust the mic stand to my 5'7" height.
Did I put bottled water on the stage?
Oh good. Man, I'm really showing my age.
All frantic, let me catch my breath, okay?
*inhale-hmm*, *exhale-ahh*, ...Heyyyyy
MarsCon! Or is it FuMPFeST?
Or some other gig? Look, I'm trying my best.
But when it's show time, before I sing,
I always end up saying the same old thing:
Chorus 1:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
I had too much to do! Before this show is through,
You're gonna wish I stopped at "Mic check-a, one two"!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!"
Every time it's the same, and I feel so lame,
From my blonde hair to my Con-verse-es!
Kyle: Converses? Are you talking to someone in this song?
Luke: No, no, my tennis shoes, see?
Kyle: It's pronounced "CON-verse".
Luke: It is? Is that a regional dialect?
Kyle: It, it is not.
Verse 2:
Long ago, I had to drive for miles
Just to sing geeky things for nerdy smiles
And laughs. And man, those shows were a breeze
In the days when people actually still bought CDs.
Hour after hour, driving through the grind,
I'd repeat all the lyrics 'til they fused with my mind.
So during "What's Up Spock?", while I'm pumpin' my fist,
I'm in my head, writing out my shopping list.
But these days, it's just not the same.
I don't think Southwest would let me sit on their plane
And shout [me as Gollum:] "You better rule them all for THE PRECIOUS!!!
Aaaaahhhh!…" [SFX: Gollum/me being thrown off the plane] They'd toss me out over Texas.
"Practice, Practice, Practice!" I can't practice at all!
So I guess I'll never get a show at Carnegie Hall.
And I really wanna feel this act of mine is legit.
But they say write what you know, and, um,... this is it.
Chorus 2:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I hope you'll smile, and aren't stone like tile,
Just tolerating this, waiting for TV's Kyle.
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I'm cheesier than feta, and this song is too meta,
And the rhymes I make are getting worse-es. - "WORSE-ES!"
Luke: Accordion solo!
Kyle: ...I- ep- I'm sorry, what?
Luke: Accordion solo! C'mon!
Kyle: At NO point did you mention an accordion solo.
Luke: Well, just, just grab it, go! Go!
Kyle: I, zizz, ut, ut, okay...
[Kyle plays something on the accordion, not well because he wasn't prepared]
Luke: Yeah! Yeah! That's close enough for jazz!
[Kyle still playing]
Kyle: Okay, you should have TOLD me you wanted an accordian so-
Luke: (interrupting) Awesome, that's perfect! Time for me to rap again.
Kyle: Fuss.
[final accordion chord]
Verse 3:
Continuing my lyrical abuses,
Allow me to give you all my list of excuses
To why I didn't have the time to properly prepare,
And subject you to this syncopated half-assed nightmare.
I had a deadline at my storyboarding gig,
'Bout this funny cartoon lady with a sword shaped like a pig.
I was ride-share-driving for a really long trip,
Anaheim to Calabasas, and they didn't even tip!
My cat curled up and fell asleep on my lap.
I couldn't leave?! That might wake him from his nap!
I read the Wikipedia on Bronson Pinchot.
Why? (Kyle: Yeah, why?) How the Hell should I know?
I threw a birthday party for my nephew Alex!
I flew to Gallifrey and I fought the Daleks!
I had to plan this whole event, which took me really long,
So who has time to memorize this stupid frickin' song?!
Chorus 3:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
You're all agog this made my catalog.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
I'm sorry fans, I just have too many plans,
And *I'm* surprised that I wrote three verses! "VERSES!"
Chorus 4:
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
Please don't give me flack, and say I'm a hack,
It's at least a half-way decent album filler track!
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
"I didn't have time to rehearse this!" - "REHEARSE THIS!"
And given my schedule it's kinda amazing
That this song even happened at all, really...
Kyle: ...rehearse this...
credits
released January 15, 2019
Music, Mixing, and impromptu instrumentation by TV's Kyle
Back-up, I wanna say, 'vocals'?, by Luke Ski, Erika Haynes, TV's Kyle, & Linzilla
"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs
about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .
Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.
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