Target: Audience

by the great Luke Ski

supported by
/
1.
2.
06:24
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
04:10
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
13:34
15.
03:00
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.

about

So who would win in a fight, Keifer Sutherland, or a funky surrealist robot assassin from the future? Tough call. Guess you'll have to set your sights on the great Luke Ski's 8th full length album "TARGET: AUDIENCE"! And yes, on some of these tracks, Luke does have an audience, recently recorded at his first spoken word show, spinning some funny anecdotes of life on the con scene, on the internet, and at the caricature stand [some of which contain explicit words or adult themes]. Besides "Jack Bauer" vs. "Scud" the Disposable Assassin, you can get your comedy music meta geek on with tracks like "Everybody Get Weird (an Art Paul Schlosser Remix)", "FuMP-In!", and Luke Ski's cover of "The Chainsaw Juggler" featuring cameos by 18 DEMENTIA ACTS! Carrie Dahbly returns on many tracks, and lest we forget the likes of Project Sisyphus, Spaff, Power Salad, Possible Oscar, and Rob Balder as the ultimate World of Warcraft n00b! Not nerdy enough? Let's throw in some song parody tributes to "Heroes", "Babylon 5" and "Battlestar Galactica!" Well what the frak are you waiting for? Order "TARGET: AUDIENCE" today!

credits

released August 14, 2008

tags

license

about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
... more

contact / help

Contact the great Luke Ski

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Redeem code

Track Name: Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer
An original rap song about the TV show "24"
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Collis Sienkowski, All rights reserved
Jack: The following takes place between track one, and track three.
(SFX: clock beeping intro, drum fill, 4 measure opening stanza)
Chorus A:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Verse 1:
Luke: Espionage in the L.A. scenes,
Where most time the ends, they justify the means.
And ever since late 2001,
You'll see real time flies when you're under the gun.
Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer,
Often needs a shave and probably a shower.
Buchanan's the Director of field operations,
Almeida is tactical, Michelle's communications,
Edgar's an egghead, and Chloe is snarky,
and Morris is British and full of melarchy.
But I might be wrong, cause they always change stations,
Due to sudden promotions or exterminations.
But aided by their digital clockin' stanza,
They're building up tension when commercials do pass.
Never before has right-wing propganda
Disguised as entertainment kicked so much ass!
Come on!
Chorus B:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Torture Scene:
Henchman: You can't do this to me! It's illegal!
Jack: Oh, you'd be surprised what kinds of torture my government has legalized.
Let's turn on the 13 hour marathon of American Idol auditions!
(SFX: William Hung singing "Fergalicious")
Henchman: No! Stop! You can't do this! Ahhh! Ahhh! No, it's horrible!
Jack: TELL ME! TELL ME WHERE HE IS NOW! TALK, DAMMIT!
Henchman: Okay! Okay! I'll talk! I'll talk!…
Verse 2:
Luke: Top of the hour at the CTU,
And Chloe and the crew ain't got much to do,
When some Scientologist sleeper cel leader
Hacks into their system with a message to read.
Bad Guy: Surrender, America! Make me Arch-Duke
Or I'll blow you all up with my suitcase nuke
Full of nerve gas and virus that turns you six colors
And also you must pay me one billion dollars!
Luke: Suddenly Jack manifests in a blink.
Guy 1: I thought you were dead?
Jack: That's what I wanted you to think.
Luke: And despite his past insubordinate behavior
They reinstate him like a federal savior.
They give him some choppers and tanks and humvees,
And a cell phone that detects W.M.D.s,
A main frame computer the size of your basement,
And a Ford F150 just for product placement.
While Jack sets off for some interrogation,
The President's appraised of the situation.
His advisors are all corporate schills, that's for certain,
Like some Army commander named Hal A. Burton
Who insists that to soothe America's own rage
Is to bomb other countries back to the stone age.
But President Palmer ignores those demands.
Because he knows,
Palmer: That's were all states stand.
Luke: So while those guys try to remove him from office
We find out the new CTU techie novice
Is really a mole there to knock them off kilter,
Who commits sabotage, and removes their spam filter.
But when he's discovered he kidnaps Jack's daughter
Who's as easy to nab as a cold glass of water.
Mole: If you want her alive you must grant me immunity,
And extradite me to my home community!
Do as I say or she will be dead! Aaaah!
(SFX: Smack! Thud!)
Luke: …Jack-boot to the head!
Jack: Now tell me the info to stop your attack,
And maybe you'll live with your nuts in tact.
Luke: Spills the beans, then Jack and the Marines,
Stop the bad guys and their domestic weapon machines.
Like a ninja, Jack splits, down the road he'll hitch hike.
The only thing that could defeat him is a writer's strike!
Oh no!
Chorus C:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Writer's Strike Scene:
(SFX: CTU phone rings twice)
Chloe: Obrien.
Jack: Chloe, it's Jack. I need you to upload new dialogue to my PDA stat.
Chloe: I'm sorry Jack, we don't have a script yet.
Jack: Dammit, Chloe, what am I supposed to say now?
Chloe: I don't know. Why don't you say 'dammit' a few more times?
Jack: Dammit, that isn't going to be good enough!
Chloe: Well you use it in every other line of dialogue. That, and 'son of a bitch'.
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Chloe: Told 'ja.
Jack: How am I supposed to keep America safe from Communists and hippies
and the concept of tolerance if I don't have any tough-guy things to say?
Chloe: Hold on, I'll see if I can steal some dialogue from the internet.
Jack: Thanks Chloe, what would I do without you?
Chloe: Probably get killed about twice an hour.
Jack: What?
Chloe: *sigh*, nothing Jack.
Chorus D:
Girls: Chloe Obrien. She's always lyin'
To cover Jack's tracks when he's not complyin'.
Always pryin' with uber leet spyin',
And she does it all while rolling her eyes and sighin'.
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Verse 3:
Luke: He's Jack Bauer, got skills to spare.
Other secret agent types will never compare.
Forget Jack Ryan, he's not much of a reader.
Don't need an Alias, cause he got La Femme Nikita.
He gave Jason Bourne his Burn Notice, it's true,
And told Prisoner Number Six,
Jack: "Be seeing you".
Luke: Unlike MacGuyver, his tech's not absurd.
And he left James Bond both shaken and stirred.
You say 'Austin Powers', and he'll just say 'NOT!'
And he makes Maxwell Smart look like Michael Scott.
The CSI cops are now outlined in chalk,
And Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger, now uses a walker.
So if you fear some bad guys who are pissed about our wars,
And you think that extremists are all hiding in your drawers,
Convinced that you'll fall victim to a terrorist attack,
Well then click your box to Fox because you don't know Jack!
Girls: Jack who?
Chorus E:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Zero Wing Scene:
Jack: What happen?
Chloe: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Jack: Dammit!
Chloe: We get signal.
Jack: What?
Chloe: Main screen turn on.
Jack: It's you!
Bad Guy: How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us.
You are on the way to destruction.
Jack: What you say?!
Bad Guy: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha....
Chloe: Jack!
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Chorus F:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
(Music cuts out)
Jack Bauer. He got the power.
Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
(SFX: End of episode clock sound)
Track Name: Wilbur Robinson
Wilbur Robinson
A parody of "Mrs. Robinson" by Simon & Garfunkel, about the movie "Meet The Robinsons".
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski

Deet, da dee deet, deet deet dee deet, deet deet dee deet deee…
BHG: Good day, madam. I'm here to change the future.
Doot, da doo doot, doot da doo doot, doot dooo…
BHG: Prepare to be amazed!
Dee da dee deet, deet da dee deet, deet da deet deet deee…
BHG: I simply wish to crush the dreams of a poor little orphan boy! Eh, after that, it's, uh, all a little fuzzy.

And here's to you, Wilbur Robinson.
Lewis knows you're not from some 'H.Q.'… (or a pigeon) Wilbur: 'Coo coo coo!'
Too smart for you, Wilbur Robinson,
So take him to Tomorrowland today,
Without delay… the fast-pass way.

Lewis: Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?
Wilbur: That is an excellent question!
Lewis: Wait! Where are you going?
Wilbur: Another excellent question!

Lewis, kid inventor, flopped adoption interviews.
Slugger roommate Goob lost sleep in sorrow.
No one gave a smidge about him in that orphanage,
But the sun will come out… on a great big beautiful tomorrow!

When Lewis did meet the Robinsons,
A carousel of progress he'd believe… Bud: Sasparilla! …Found Bud's teeth.
Met Wilbur's Mom, Frannie Robinson,
Who taught a group of well-dressed frogs to sing.
They bop and swing… Frankie: A-ring-a-ding-ding!

BHG: You are now under my control!
Frankie: I am now under you control.
BHG: Don’t repeat everything I say!
Frankie: I won’t repeat eveything you say.

Robot buddies, squid-like butlers, toy trains at full size.
Meatball cannon food fights done as kung-fu.
Just another dinner at the Robinson's estate.
BHG: (evil laughter) Until a dinosaur attack, that, wasn't well, uh, thought through.

T-rex will chew Wilbur Robinson.
BHG: Why aren't you seizing the boy, and causing harms?
Tiny: I've got a big head and little arms! BHG: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Hats off to you, Wilbur Robinson.
They want to adopt Lewis, cause they care.
'Til they saw his hair… (*gasp!*) Slack-jawed stare.

BHG: Hmm, take responsibility for my own life, or blame you? Ding ding ding ding! 'Blame you' wins hands down!

Tricked by Bowler Hat Guy, Lewis learned he's Wilbur's Dad.
Father of the future, he'd assert.
The villian's his old roomate, wants revenge for getting hurt.
(Gah, oops!) I guess I should have said 'Spoiler Alert'. (Too late.) (Eh, just let it go.)

Boo-hoo for Goob, Bowler Hat Guy,
I sure hope your altered time-line's much more fun… Lewis: Goob, wake up! Grand slam home run!
We'll see you soon Cornelius Robinson,
So just keep moving forward every day.
That's the way… Walt did say.

Spike: Hey, ring my doorbell.
Dimitri: No, ring my doorbell.
Spike: Forget that doorbell, ring my doorbell. (etc.)
Dimitri: That doorbell is stupid, ring my doorbell. (etc.)
(fade out)
Track Name: I Want To Be Steve Buscemi
I Want To Be Steve Buscemi
A parody of Tom Smith's "I Want To Be Peter Lorre", about bug-eyed character actor, Steve Buscemi.
Parody lyrics by Luke Sienkowski, © 2004-2008

The curse of my existence, is the movies that I see.
And I can't do much for them, not doing very much for me.
Full of apathy and aloof, for guys like Shia Labeouf.
Patrick Dempsey and Will Ferrell's performances are bland and sterile.

Ashton Kutcher's too obnoxious, Owen Wilson is too meek.
Ben Stiller stars in movies about every other week.
Check the supporting role, for a more exquisite troll,
Whose unique look could not be hipper…
…and fits neatly into any wood chipper!

When I grow up, I wanna be Steve Buscemi.
I wanna be pale and sweaty with sneering lips.
As slimy as escargot, botch a kidnapping in Fargo,
And if I escape to L.A., I'll deliver some Tarantino quips!
I wanna woo some kooky artist goth girl.
I want an Armegeddon suicide.
The last thing that I need, is to be any kind of lead.
I want to grow up to be Steve Buscemi, and go on a 'Rocket Ride'!

When I grow up, I wanna be Steve Buscemi.
I'll wear a suit and be a gangster, smoke and drink.
This slow motion stuff ain't lame, but what is, is my assigned name.
I mean, how'm I supposed to impress or intimidate folks, with a name like 'Mr. Pink'?
I wanna be a lovable psycho-killer.
I want to grant the Spy Kids' techno wish.
I'll bowl with the Big Lebowski, and harass poor Mike Wazowski,
I wanna grow up to be Steve Buscemi, and be a really Big Fish.

[Spoken:] What do you know, it scares little kids, *and* little filkers!

When I grow up, I wanna be Steve Buscemi.
I'll go bowling with 'The Dude' up until my doom. [Jesus: Nobody fools with the Jesus!]
John Goodman goes on and on, yelling stuff about Vietnam,
While we're trying to replace the rug in his place, 'cause it really tied together the room.
I want to cameo for Adam Sandler,
Collect royalties til I'm a hundred and thirteen.
And I'll voice some cartoon guys, if they got [Lorre voice:] GREAT BIG BULGING EYES!
I want to grow up to be Steve Buscemi,
I'm gonna win an Oscar, and maybe an Emmy!
I'll be the best Steve Buscemi you've ever seen!

[Spoken:] I gave up Clown College for this?…
…Can it, Wazowski!
Track Name: Everybody Get Weird (an Art Paul Schlosser remix)
Everybody Get Weird
An Art Paul Schlosser Remix by the great Luke Ski
Based on material written and recorded by Art Paul Schlosser
© Art Paul Schlosser & Luke Sienkowski 2008


W, E, I, R, D!
Weeeiiird!
Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weird!

Today, and only today! Get this saw, and we'll also send you these three other items you don’t want, lacking the ability to be wise! Yes, my name is not wise. I'm Sam Foolish, and I've been standing in rain without a raincoat or umbrella. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, three headed cat claw eating monster was trying to chew Buffy's nails off. And so, I say if we turn the left knob a little to the right, but then again, some people are allergic to pepper. 60 years ago, a lady walked into a large church near Belleville. So never eat poison ivy in a Cadillac Rolls Royce's car. This and all other spaceships was brought to you by the CIA spying foundation, where spying is more than just a way of life. Sincerely, your friend, Pippi.

Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weird!

Colors by voice. Now just imagine, if you can't see what color looks like, what it would be if I describe it as voices. I think yellow, yellow would sound like this! And orange, orange would be kind of like this! And red, red would be like this, it would be kind of like this, you know? And, and brown, Brown would be more like this! Or black! Black! Blaaack! And uh, purple, purple, puuurplllle! And then grey would more like this, and then blue, blue would be more like this. I think? Well anyways, just imagine.

Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weird!

Dairy farming on Mars. Green cows, with 16 udders. They wear cosmic space hats. Their milk tastes like root beer. They purr like cats. They are 16,000 feet tall, but only an inch wide. Only an inch wide. Only an inch wiiide!

Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weird!

How about kazoo?... Wow!... That's like gravy on your biscuits!... Would you like to supersize that?... This kazoo solo is not solving your problem.

Join the Christmas book club! Our latest best sellers are: "Martyr trees are dying", "St. Nicholas is the Pope", "The red on Santa's clothes means he's a communist from the USSR", "Reindeer can't fly", "An old man running around in his red long johns is a disgrace to society", "Stay off the sauce, Rudolph", and "Yes Virginia, your Dad is lying".

Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weird!

Hey, now when you go and vote, I want you… You're brainwashed! I am brainwashing you on this tape! You must vote for Art Paul Schlosser! Say it with me,
Art Paul Schlosser! Art Paul Schlosser!
Art Paul Schlosser! Art Paul Schlosser!
Art Paul Schlosser! Art Paul Schlosser!
Art Paul Schlosser! Art Paul Schlosser!
Art Paul Schlosser! Art Paul Schlosser!
Art Paul Schlosser!

Are we weird? Are you weird?
Are we weird? Are you weird?
(W, E, I, R, D!)
Are we weird? Are you weird?
Everybody get weeeiiird!

Have fun, and keep your day job.
Track Name: FuMP-In!
"FuMP-In!" sketch, with "A Middle East Country, A Middle Earth Mountain Troll" lyrics:
Sketch written by the great Luke Ski, "A Little Bit Country" (Donnie & Marie) song parody lyrics by Spaff.


[Theme music begins, with cheering and applause]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Project Sisyphus proudly presents… An Evening With Spaff And Company…

Background singers: Spaff! Spaff! Can you dig it?

Announcer: Starring in… The Live Goodtime Tonight FuMP-IN Revue Show!… With your hosts, Luke Ski and Carrie Dahlby!

[Theme music switches to "Everything's A Song", Luke and Carrie sing:]

Carrie: Everything’s a song!

Luke: Everything’s a song!

Carrie & Luke: Just take a look around you!

Carrie: You just can’t go wrong!

Luke: Everything’s a song!

Carrie & Luke: The possibilities may astound you!

[singing switches to speaking]

Luke: That's right! Let's hear it once again for our astounding house band, Wyngarde and the Oscar Possibilities!

Carrie: Aren't they great?

[SFX: Music ends as applause swells, and then dies down]

[Luke & Carrie are like Dan Rowan & Goldie Hawn from Laugh-In]

Luke: Thank you! Thank you!

Carrie: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Luke: Welcome to another fun filled show. We have a lot of great stuff for you this week. First off, we'll have our resident storytellers the Robert Brothers, Lund & Balder, come on out and tell us the tall tale of Eric's coal mine.

Carrie: [In a French accent:] And then it will be off to the kitchen to cook up some fine cuisine with our resident chef, Deveaux Spice!

Luke: Tonight he'll show us how to make frozen dessert treats for all your emo teens, some delicious gothsicles.

Carrie: After that he'll whip up a power salad, with some hot waffles and soggy potato chips!

Luke: Throw in some toast for me!

Carrie: And some BACON?

Luke & Carrie: [laugh cheesily:] HA HA HA HAA!

[SFX: canned audience laughter]

Luke: After that it'll be time for everybody's favorite chimpanzee pirate, so gather the kiddies around the TV for a visit with Seamonkey!

[SFX: applause]

Carrie: He'll be showing the kids what he's got in his magical shoebox! Now doesn’t that sound like fun?

Luke: Then we'll go to our political corner with folk musician Tom Smith. He has a new ditty in which he compares our modern day politicians to a certain barnyard animal, and I think you'll all be surprised which one it is.

Carrie: Is it a pig?!

Luke: Uhm,… Yes.

Carrie: Wow! I never would have guessed that!

Luke: You just- *sigh*… Then we'll have a news report from Bob Ricci,

Carrie: A business report from Raymond Scum,

Luke: A weather report from Paul Storm,

Carrie: A science report from Dr. J. Particle,

Luke: An art report from Mr. Schlosser,

Carrie: He-said/she-said with Carl and Carla,

Luke: And to close out, we'll have that that big singing group with the positive attitude, the Flibbertigibbet Bards, with their new hit song, "Working In The Rest Of The References." Now doesn’t that sound like a great show?

[SFX: Applause]

[Carrie makes some quiet sort-of crying/whining/sad noises]

Luke: Carrie, what's wrong?

Carrie: I'm sad!

Luke: Well that's not right, can’t you see what a great show we have tonight?

Carrie: It's just that, how am I supposed to enjoy this high-quality network television variety programming when there is so much strife on the other side of the world?

Luke: Well, like what?

Carrie: Like the Iraqis and Iranians, the Sunnis and the Shiites, the noble houses who control all the melange, not to mention the sandworm attacks.

Luke: Carrie, you're confusing reality with the novel "Dune" again.

Carrie: Women are dumb!

Luke & Carrie: [laugh cheesily:] HA HA HA HAA!

[SFX: canned audience laughter]

Luke: Well there are many different factions out there, and their main problem seems to be that they can't come to realize that while they do have differences, they also have many things in common, and in finding those commonalties, they can grow to understand each other and put an end to their conflicts.

Carrie: But where can they all find these commonalties?

Luke: They can find them if they would all just read from… the good book.

Carrie: You mean, the good book by Frank Herbert?

Luke: Why of course not, you lovable dingbat! I'm talking about the good book by… J.R.R. Tolkien!

Carrie: Wow! Can we sing about it?

Luke: I thought you'd never make an obvious song cue!
Track Name: Project Sisyphus, featuring the great Luke Ski & Carrie Dahlby, with lyrics by Spaff - A Middle East Country, A Middle Earth Mountain Troll
"FuMP-In!" sketch, with "A Middle East Country, A Middle Earth Mountain Troll" lyrics:
Sketch written by the great Luke Ski, "A Little Bit Country" (Donnie & Marie) song parody lyrics by Spaff.


[cue song, Carrie and Luke singing:]


Carrie: I'm a Middle East country.

Luke: I'm a Middle Earth mountain troll.

Carrie: I've got sunshine, deserts, and burqas.

Luke: I’m horrific but my wits are kind of dull.

Carrie: My name is Something-stan.

Luke: I swallow hobbits whole.

Carrie: I'm a Middle East country.

Luke: I'm a Middle Earth mountain troll.


Carrie: I’m a little explosive.

Luke: I put dwarves on my Quaker Oats.

Carrie: I’m a little ultra-religious.

Luke: I’m a little bit gruff with billy goats.

Carrie: I’m disconcertingly real.

Luke: I might be fictional.

Carrie: I’m a Middle East country.

Luke: I’m a Middle Earth mountain troll.


Carrie: I offer camels, sand, and Muslims, and crude oil in rich supply.

Luke: If I stay out till the sun comes up, then I turn to stone and die.


Carrie: I'm moving slowly…
To secular control.

Luke: I bash those freaking Wood-elves with a club like Whack-a-Mole.
Like me, you’re poor as dirt…

Carrie: …Or rolling in the dough.
I’m a Middle East country.

Luke: I’m a Middle Earth mountain troll.


Carrie: I may have mostly flat topography, but my Crescent is fertile.

Luke: I got a job at Hot Dwarf on a Stick, just to dress in style.


Carrie: My people love me…
By reflex or by force.

Luke: I barbecued my in-laws, so my wife filed for divorce.

Carrie: I’m arid and I’m extra-dry.

Luke: Not me! I’ve got B.O.!

Carrie: I’m a Middle East country.

Luke: I’m a Middle Earth mou-

[Singing and music are interrupted by thunder, Gandalf says:]

Gandalf: “DAWN TAKE YOU ALL! AND BE STONE TO YOU!”

[A long pause, as if they've been turned to stone, and then, spoken:]

Carrie: “Who was that?”

Luke: “My ex.”

Carrie: “Ohhhh.”

[Followed immediately by the song resuming, back to singing, simultaneously:]

Carrie: I’m a Middle East country, and you're a Middle Earth mountain troll!
Luke: You're a Middle East country, and I’m a Middle Earth mountain troll!

[song ends]


Luke: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

Carrie: We'll be right back!

Luke: Up next, our guest emcee, Lars, interviews international fashion guru, JoCo, who will announce this year's winner of the title "Mr. Fancy Pants"!

Carrie: Stay tuned!

['Everything's A Song' Theme song reprise music plays as audience applauds]

[Fade out applause & music. The end]
Track Name: The Chainsaw Juggler
The Chainsaw Juggler
Based on the original 1999 version, written and performed by the Four Postmen [S. Marks]
Also contains content written for two other songs by the Four Postmen, "What's Your Favrit #, Baby?" and "A Gentleman's Heart" [S. Marks].

~~~

As performed by the great Luke Ski, featuring an all-star cameo cast of dementia stars, namely:

Whimsical Will of "The Dr. Demento Show"
Grant Baciocco of "Throwing Toasters"
"The Consortium of Genius" ['Drumbot', Dr. A. Rachnid, Dr. Pinkerton, Dr. Z., and Filbert]
Tom Smith
Robert Lund
Devo Spice of "Sudden Death"
Carrie Dahbly
Matt Dunn and Jeff Smith of "Raymond And Scum"
Rob Balder
ShoEboX of "Worm Quartet"
DJ Particle
Seamonkey
Bud Sharpe of "Possible Oscar"
Wyngarde of "The Nick Atoms"
Chris Mezzolesta of "Power Salad"
darkNES and DJ EYG of "the Gothsicles"
Timm and Chris Waffle of "Hot Waffles" [sampled]
and Art Paul Schlosser

~~~

Whimsical Will:
You know, Plutarch used to write often of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler. Hickapoy Indians documented the famed exploits of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler in their smash banana-dye cave paintings. But never has the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler been more famous than during the filming of the "Texas Chainsaw Juggler Massacre". This next song's about a chainsaw juggler. It's called..."The Chainsaw Juggler". Rock out, dude.

Luke Ski:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
And how did you learn to kiss like that?
Said the man to his German shepherd.

It's not polite to talk when your mouth
Is full... of big bumblebees.
But it's quite okay to love your mom,
As long as you don't get her pregnant.

Everybody!

Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this song!

Grant Baciocco:
I ain't Oscar Meyer, but I'll give you my baloney!

Luke Ski:
Cross my heart, yes. Stick a finger in my eye, no.
But wife, I'm telling the truth...
I've slept with your sister, your mom and your dad,
And the second-best sex was you.

Oh, Rub-A-Dub-Dub, three men in a tub...
Need I say more?
Jack Sprat could eat no fat...
So he divorced her!

Everybody!

I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.
I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.

Drumbot:
This song is an Italian love ballad written entirely in Swahilian tongues...
Dr. A. Rachnid:
Which celebrates the much famed Genoan romanticism of the early 17th Century Postmaster General.
Dr. Pinkerton:
But it also delves pretty deeply into the pre-proletariat rise of the Venetian stamp-collecting regime under Benito Mussolini.
Dr. Z.:
And I think it was the great Greek philosopher Hysterectomy who said, "To be perfectly honest, I'm lying".

Luke Ski:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
I heard he died, but nobody cried,
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

Oh well, when in Rome...

Non compos mentis persona non grata
In vino veritas ad hoc. [*HAAACK-TOOI!*]
E Pluribus Unum, if to err is human,
Then boy, am I glad we're in charge!

Oh, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a nun and a Jew
Were stuck in a hot-air balloon.
It suddenly popped, and though they prayed as it dropped,
It proves that God hates us all!

Everybody!

Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this song!

Tom Smith:
And as the wise man stood on top of the hill, naked and disgusting and dirty and... naked... he shouted down to the angry
villagers far below. He said...

Robert Lund:
"You may have won the battle, but I'm... I'm out of ammunition!"

Devo Spice:
He said, "Life isn't a bowl of cherries, its... it's... ...okay, maybe it is."

Carrie Dahlby:
He said, "It's not the size that counts, it's the woman that counts the size!"

Matt Dunn:
He said, "You can't sue yourself for writing an unauthorized autobiography!"

Jeff Smith:
He said, "If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe you're a god damn loser!"

Rob Balder:
He said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether *I* win or lose."

ShoEboX:
He said, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water... unless it's floating face down."

DJ Particle:
He said, "If you can't beat 'em, let ME beat 'em!"

Seamonkey:
He said, "You can tell a lot about a man by how he strangles you!"

Bud Sharpe:
And lastly he said,

Wyngarde:
"Fight for peace! Make love, not war! Unless you love to kill!"

Bud Sharpe:
Right!

Tom Smith:
And as they stormed the mountain, and kicked him to death, he said one more thing. He said...

[simultaneously:]
Rob Balder:
"Ow! Stop kicking me! Ow! Not in the head! Ow! Ow, dammit, stop it! Stop kicking me!"
Robert Lund:
"Ow! Oooh! Aaah! Oh, not there! You're killing me! Oooh! Aaah-hoo-haa! Uhh! Oooh! Not the testicles!
Wyngarde:
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Carrie Dahlby:
"Ow! Not with the kicking! Bad! Not Good! Full of Fail! Stop! Dude! C'mon!
darkNES:
"Ouch! Oh God! Ow!... No! Ow! Not the cleets! Not the cleets!... Why do your shoes have spikes on them?!"
DJ EYG:
"Oh! Stop kicking me! Ow! No! Aah!... Stop kicking me! No, seriously, that hurts! Ow! Aah!"
[Wilhelm: AAAAAHHHHH!!!]

Chris Mezzolesta:
And as the Martian sat and waved from his driver seat window of his hovering Martian spaceship on his way back to Jupiter, he offered these parting words of advice. He said,

darkNES:
"Do yourself a favor and STOP THIS GOD DAMN SONG!!!"

DJ EYG:
But we couldn't...

Luke Ski:
Because we still didn't know...

Luke Ski, Chris Mezzolesta, Carrie Dahbly, Tom Smith, Rob Balder, DJ Particle, Seamonkey, & Devo Spice:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
I heard he died, but nobody cried,
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

Well, that sure makes sense, he was loved by his fans,
But tell me, how did he die?
Nobody knows, they found him alone
All bloody with his arms by his side.

Luke Ski:
Everybody!

Luke Ski, Chris Mezzolesta, Carrie Dahbly, Tom Smith, Rob Balder, DJ Particle, Seamonkey, & Devo Spice:
I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this,
something wrong with this,
something wrong with this,
...there's something wrong with this...

[the song falls apart in a dozen different directions. The following is heard amidst the chaos:]

Filbert:
Pardon moi, Dr. Pinkerton, I think there's something askew with this musical number.
Dr. Pinkerton:
Filbert, evidently there is, and you're to blame! Now fix it!
Filbert:
Okay I'll go ahead and fix it right now, [CRASH!] Oh, Farganargle! I didn't mean for that-aaahhh!!!...
Dr. Pinkerton:
Filbert! Filbert, come back here! FILBEEEERT!!!...

Carrie Dahlby:
Hey, there's nothing wrong with this song? What's wrong? What's wrong with this song? Waaah!... Yes Buffy, there is something wrong.
Devo Spice:
Why would you juggle chainsaws? Why wouldn't you juggle pins, or bowling balls? Even fire would be safer!

Timm Waffle: [sampled]
The slide whistle is not funny. Don’t do it.
Chris Waffle: [sampled]
4, 5, 6, 7, you dumbass!

Rob Balder: What is your...
Tom Smith: Fail.
Rob Balder: ...major malfunction...
Luke Ski: BROOKLYN!
Rob Balder: ...numbnuts?!
Carrie Dahlby: Meow!
Tom Smith: Do not want.
Power Salad: Jugular?
Luke Ski: Four Postmen dot com!
Devo Spice: There's something... WRONG!!!

Art Paul Schlosser:
Man, you guys really gotta work on that ending!
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Rob Balder - OMGWTFBBQ
OMGWTFBBQ!
An original country song about internet fads, 'leet speak' language, and other online phenomena.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski

Regular text = singing
Italicised text = spoken
(Italisized and in parenthesis = song direction, notes, SFX, etc.)


(Up tempo, country music, human jug-band starts, Bubba and the n00b have a conversation leading into the song, and throughout the song)

Bubba: Howdy y'all! Welcome to the Azeroth Upper Blackrock Spire Rookery Room Pot Luck Hoedown, other wise known as the Oh-
n00b: (interrupting) Hi! Being on a jury in a big file sharing case got me thinking maybe I should get on the internet. Can you catch me up on what I've missed so far?
Bubba: Sure thing, n00b!
n00b: 'n00b'? What's a 'n00b'?

Bubba: Now 'n00b' is short for 'newbie',
Which is you who I now greet.
'Round here I've got top status
Which is why they say I'm 'leet'.
Attempt to hack my system,
Or just try to guess my pass key,
I'll own ya, then I'll pwn ya,
Then say 'you can kiss my ASCII'!
I'll replace letters with numbers
To confuse some new outsider.
Eat up language like a sangwich
With a glass of Apple cipher!
My QWERTY is awful purty,
Typos are the thing to do,
At the Oh My God!
What The Fuck?!
Barbeque!

n00b: So this party's called what?
Bubba: Do I gotta spell everything out for ya? O-M-G-W-T-F-B-B-Q, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, one, exclamation point, one, one, exclamation point, O-N-E, exclamation point, eleven!
n00b: Now when you say 'leet', you mean short for 'elite'?
Bubba: Duh!
n00b: So is that spelled L-E-E-T?
Bubba: It's spelled 1-3-3-7! What? Didn't yer Daddy learn ya nothin?!

Bubba: If you're initially annoyed at how
I express the things I say,
S-T-F-U, ya S-O-B,
Or you'll end up D-O-A!
My B-F-F Mac Linux
Bought himself a new P.C.
But when he couldn't download FireFox,
He began to yell I-Eeeee!!!
n00b: Help me off my laughing butt!
Hand me a bacon, lettuce, and tomato!
Bubba: So you're orderin' a B-L-T,
Hold the L-M-A-O!
Servin' ROFLs like hot waffles,
O.J.s freshly 'squee!'-ed for you! (Girls: SQUEE!)
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!

n00b: What's that drumstick you're eating there?
Bubba: Snowy owl.
n00b: Oh really?
Bubba: Yeah, really!
n00b: Oh really?
Bubba: Yeah, really! Yeah, here, try some of this, here!
n00b: (eating) This is tasty! What is it?
Bubba: Pig snout.
n00b: (gag) Oh noes!

Bubba: Now I'm an uber haxxor
And I roxxor at these games.
I'm verbing nouns and nouning verbs
And screwin' with mundanes.
My cleric's alphanumerics
Stun the MMORPers, then I'm gone.
Gone fishin' on the internet
To catch a batch of pr0n!
n00b: A ceiling cat was watching me
Upload a private blog,
So I knocked 'em in the crock pot!
Sean Connery: Well, you're the man now, dog! (Leeroy: Yee-hah!)
Bubba: Sean Connery 'll get ornery, (SFX: fake bagpipe solo)
When you're cookin' up a Patrick Stew, (Patrick Stewart: Make it so!)
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!

Ceiling Cat: I has a flavor?
Bubba: Yer gol' dang right you has a flavor! You're farkin' delicious! (eats cat, gulp, ahh!)
(SFX: crunchy, mreaow)
Bubba: All right, it's time for teh fiddle solo!
n00b: Don't you mean the fiddle solo?
Bubba: NO! T-E-H! TEH! C'mon, pick it, Leeroy!
Leeroy: Alright chums, guns up let's do this! LEEEROOOOOYYY JEEENNNKIINNSS! Yee-haw!

(Bubba yells stuff in background during the bridge fiddle solo:)
Bubba: Oh snap!
Burninate that thing!
Take it to candy mountian!
That was an epic maneuver!

n00b: Hey there fellow, where's my cello,
So I can play and make a fuss?
Bubba: Well you see, in this place, all your bass,
All: ARE BELONG TO US! (Leeroy: Yee-hah!)
Bubba: Trade in your skillz for propane grillz,
We're killin' all your d00dz,
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!

Bubba: Hey code monkey! Pass the Fritos! (SFX: monkey screech)

Bubba: I go to cons, use emoticons,
And rule Warcraft through and through.
And if I killed your start-up player,
Well, it suxxorz to be you!
I'm for the win, I never fail,
You'll less than three me too!
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!

n00b: At the Oh My God!
All: What The Fuck?!
n00b: Barbeque!

Bubba: At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
All: Baaaar…
beeee…
quuuue!
Bubba: O-M-G!
Double-U!
T-F-B-B-Q!
Yee-haw!

n00b: I'm still hungry. I can has cheezburger?
Bubba: Allright, fine. Here you go. You earned it.
n00b: w00t!

(Background singers: This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny!)
Leeroy: At least I got chicken!
Track Name: Scud
Scud
An original rap song about the comic book "Scud The Disposable Assassin"
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski (© 2008 Luke Sienkowski)
"Scud The Disposable Assassin" was created by and is © 2008 Rob Schrab

(Note to Scud newbies: "Jeff" is the name of the 2-mouthed monster who speaks only in media sound bites. A glossary of Jeff's references is after the lyrics. ~ Luke)


God: Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!
Scud-O: Not anymore!

Pitch Man, Carrie, and Chris:
Get your bile piled up, get your spite in a bag,
It's the best damned vengeance you ever had.
Pitch Man: Set Scud at one-
Carrie: -To get the job done!
Pitch Man: Set it at ten-
Chris: (low voice) -Never see them again!
Pitch Man, Carrie, and Chris:
It can kill at will, or be man-i-a-cal, it's-
Jeff: "What's the time?!"
Jeff: "It's time to get ill!"

(Jeff attacks singers, we hear people screaming, getting maimed, and destruction, as Jeff screams sound bites. We also hear Marvin's Manikan's employee Hershell calling 911)

Operator: 911 Emergency.
Hershell: You've got to send someone down to Marvin's Manikan! There's a monster killing everyone in it's path! Someone's got to stop it!
Jeff: "You didn't put me on a pedistal, so I'm laying you out on a slab!"
Jeff: "We're gonna have a good time!"
Jeff: "Indeed!"

Verse 1:
Boss: Johnson! Johnson: Yes Boss? Boss: This month's charts are required!
Have them done, on my desk, Five P.M., or you're fired!
Johnson: Oohhh... Pitch-Man: Is this you? Victimized, tired,
Knowing life would be better if he just expired?
Johnson: Yes? Pitch-Man: New from Scud-Co, the answer's quite keen!
Just head to your corner venting machine.
Drop three franks in the slot, and soon in short fashion
You'll have a disposable robot assassin!
Scud: So, who's the job? Pitch-Man: Will ask the sly devil.
Just tell him the target and set contempt level.
Try 'one' for some simple sharp shooting graze,
Or 'ten' for a craze what he'll drag on for days.
Once he's dead and to Heaven ascends,
Scud self destructs, tying up the loose ends!
Satisfaction Jack, with no reprisal attack,
He'll just whack the wack BEFORE THE WACK CAN WHACK BACK!

Scud: Attention! Scud Disposable Robot Assassin: Heartbreaker Series 1373. This unit will self destruct upon termination of target.

Verse 2:
Luke: At the mannequin plant, there was blood on the wall,
'Cause a juxtaposed mutant was killing them all.
It had hands for its feet, and mousetraps for hands,
A squid on its chest, tentacles and ink glands,
A big grounded plug was in place of its head,
And the mouths on its knees, when it spoke, all they said,
Pop-culture sound-bites is all it would spew,
Jeff: "Where's the beef?" Jeff: "Git 'er done!" Jeff: "Where's the Mountain Dew?!"
Scud battled the monster, when to his suprise,
In a mirror his label warned of his demise,
So instead of killing, he smashed all it's eggs,
Then took aim and blew off its arms and its legs.
Dismembered the creature, and so he'd survive,
Took it to the hospital, to keep it alive.
Then he went freelance, for hire he would kill,
Just so he could keep paying the life support bill.

Scud: My Karma just ran over your mama... I'm not yellow, I'm gold... It's cool to be a robot.

Verse 3:
Tony Tastey, works for the Don,
His crew are Goodfellas driving Voltron.
Voo-Doo Ben uses demonic forces
With lightning and kites to make zombiesauruses.
Drywall is a zippered blue sack
With 13 Wal-Marts worth of stuff in his pack.
Sussudio's a bounty hunter with style,
She's the love of Scud's life, and a robotophile.
So if you know someone whose death soon should come,
Twigger: If everything's stupiiiiiiid! Luke: And everyone's dumb,
Buy a Scud, let him out, c'mon, don't be mean!
Or he'll be like a funyun, Scud: "Stuck in the machine!"
Johnson: What happened next? It can’t be the end, can’t it?
Did that robot bastard destroy the whole planet?
Luke: Heh, you want a decade of closure? Here's how,
Buy the Scud Omnibus in your comic shop now.

Scud: I refuse to give up. I will not quit. Cowboys never quit. I'm a cowboy, and I will finish this.

Pitch Man, Carrie, and Chris:
It can kill at will, or be man-i-a-cal,
It's SCUD!
Pitch Man: The disposable!
Pitch Man, Carrie, and Chris: Assassin!


Glossary of Jeff-speak:
"What's the time?!" - MCA, the Beastie Boys, "Time To Get Ill"
"It's time to get ill!" - Ad Rock and Mike D, the Beastie Boys, "Time To Get Ill"
"You didn't put me on a pedistal, so I'm laying you out on a slab!" - The Penguin, "Batman Returns", Scud #1
"We're gonna have a good time!" - Molly, "the Ringwald and Molly Show", Scud #22
"Indeed!" - Ringwald, "the Ringwald and Molly Show"
"Where's the beef?" - Clara Peller in 80's Wendy's commercials, Scud #21
"Git 'er done!" - Larry the Cable Guy's catch phrase
"Where's the Mountain Dew?!" - Rob Schrab in the Dead Alewives sketch "Dungeons And Dragons", Scud #22

Also,
"Everything's stupiiid!" is from "Twigger's Holiday", by Rob Schrab, ditto "the Ringwald and Molly Show", "Heat Vision And Jack", and "Robot Bastard".
"Stuck in the machine!" is Rob Schrab in the Dead Alewives sketch "Advanced Dungeons And Dragons", the rare sequel to the popular original.
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - Holding Out For Hiro
Holding Out For Hiro
A parody of "Holding Our For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler,
About the sci-fi TV show "Heroes".
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski.
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski
(1 measure drum fill, followed by 8 measure intro with background vocalists singing:
"Doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo, Aaah, Aaah!")
Where'd the man in horn rimmed glasses
Hide a child so odd?
Where's the teen like Wolverine
With the sexy indestructible bod?
Hit her with Mack truck,
Her blonde hair still is curled.
Who will save the cheerleader,
And who will save the world?
I need Hiro!
Nakamura's the Hiro that I desperately seek.
He's gotta be mild,
And he's gotta be kind,
And he's gotta be a comic book geek.
I need Hiro!
He's on a mission with Ando, stoppin' Sylar's crime.
He's got a big sword.
In a squint of his eyes,
He will save us in the nick of time, on borrowed time.
(8 measures with background vocalists singing:
"Doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo, Aaah, Aaah!")
Hiro: Ando, help me think up a good super hero name for myself.
Ando: How about "TimeLord"?
(SFX: smack!)
Ando: Ow!
Hiro: What happened?
Ando: Somebody hit me, but I don't see anyone. This really hurts!
Hiro: So you're saying you need to see the Doctor?
Orphaned son Mohinder
Found his father's maps and graphs.
Now Sylar's killing down the list,
Like PokeMon for sociopaths. (Sylar: Gotta catch 'em all!)
Will the emo male nurse sponge-boy
Stop his mad pursuit?
He'll need help from a Superman,
In a sharp Armani suit.
Hiro: It's a bird!
Ando: It's a plane!
Hiro: It's a politician!

I need Hiro! (Nathan: Vote Petrelli!)
I'm holding out for Hiro to bring order to things,
So that five years from now,
There's no fascists in power,
So behind the scenes he's pulling the strings.
I need Hiro!
Here comes the father of Hiro, and he's almost retired.
His company's big,
So he'll sensei his kid,
But if Hiro fails, he's gonna get fired. (Sulu: You're going to get FIRED!) (SFX: Trek Photon torpedos)
I need Hiro!
Officer Parkman brought donuts, must have read my mind!
Hiro: In the next 9th Wonders comic book, Isaac shows me killing Sylar!
Ando: So you have the new issue?
Hiro: No, I read about it in Wizard Magazine.
Ando: Oh!
Out in Las Vegas on an internet site,
A struggling mother strips for a fee,
But make her mad, and the fatal spankings
Are for free. (Niki: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry)
The Bennets are always on the run.
Will Claire go to her prom?
Some say Peter is cool,
Could you say, he's 'the bomb?'
Hiro & Ando: Literally 'the bomb'?
Background vocalists:
Is he lit' - 'trally the bomb?!
Is he lit' - 'trally the bomb?!
Is he lit' - 'trally the bomb?!
Is he lit' - 'trally the booooooooomb?! (SFX: Huge explosion!)
I need Hiro!
He's heading to the Big Apple at the end of the road.
To face a psycho Spock,
Who will clean out your clock
Just to get at your genetic code.
I need Hiro!
I'm holding out that soon Hiro faces destiny.
At the comic book's end,
Sylar dies on his sword,
Like some DC/Marvel prophecy.
I need Hiro!
I'm holding out for Hiro's graphic novelty.
(8 measures w/ vocalists singing "Oooh ooh ooh")
Ando: Hiro, why are we speaking in English right now instead of in Japanese?
Hiro: Because in audio format, nobody can read subtitles. So we must speak in broken English, as if we
were in a Japanese comic book.
Ando: So we are MANGA-ling the English language?
Hiro: In a matter of speaking, hai.
Ando: Ahh.
(4 measure fade out)
Track Name: No Sleep Till Babylon
No Sleep Til Babylon
A parody of "No Sleep Til Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys,
about the Sci-fi TV series "Babylon 5".
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Collis Sienkowski


No sleep til!…

(4 measures)

Babylon!

(4 measures)

Two 'na half million tons of spinning metal.
Aliens and humans wrapped inside, they settle.
Thousands together, all alone in the night,
And they're gonna party for their right to fight!
Big space station, living in rotation.
Londo Mollari always on vacation!
Non-Aligned Worlds are unstable, unable
To figure out if Shadows are the truth or a fable.
Grey Council's hailin', Sinclair ain't bailin',
Battle of the line, his secret's un-Valen.
And John Sheridan, whether dead or alive,
He's the best last hope of Babylon Five!

(2 measures)

No sleep til!

(2 measures)

[Zathras:]
Here's a little story Zathras would like to tell, about three bad brothers Zathras knows so well…

Well there's the Vorlons and Minbari, and the Narn and the Centauri,
And the Vree and the Brakiri, and the Pak'ma'ra!
Ivanova's cranky, she always acts mean.
She'll slap around a Drazi, whether purple or green.
Marcus got a crush, an Anla'Shok man.
Ren-faire Ranger, with a staff in a can.
Dr. Franklin took a walkabout the place.
Lennier's no where near, cause he's lost in space.
Security's hunky Bruce Willis-esque flunkee
Garibaldi's off the wagon, cause he's drinkin' Brass Monkey.
Al Bester's Psi-Corps, in your mind he wrestles
To determine the location of the nuclear 'wessels'!

In Valen's name, we rock!

(2 measures)

No sleep til!

(2 measures)

[Zathras:]
Intergalactic, Planetary. Planetary, Interga-Zathras!

No!… Sleep!… Til Babylon!…
No!… Sleep!… Til Babylon!…

(2 measures)

Ain't got no rest since we started this mess
With J.M.S.! Go tour the cons, my man!

Psi-Corps sleeper agent was Talia.
G'Kar, he wrote the Chronicles of Narn, YEAH!
Londo's plottin' all the time, a mover and a shaker.
If Vir can survive, he'll thank the great maker.
DeLenn is no bonehead, divine and meek.
The Vorlons made Lyta a total mind freak.
Too bad Zack, just blame it on Kosh.
Saw Lockley's hologram and said 'Oh my gosh!'
So it begins, epic adventure is made
From the first gathering, to the last Crusade!

(2 measures)

No sleep til!

(2 measures)

[Zathras:]
We're just 3 M.C.'s and we're on the go, Zathras, Mesach, and Abednago,

No!… Sleep!… Til Babylon!…
No!… Sleep!… Til Babylon!…
No! ([Kosh:] No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon!

[Zooty:]
Zooty Zoot-Zoot!

(guitar solo - 8 measures)

[Ivanova:]
Boom! Shubba-lubba-lubba. Boom! Shubba-lubba-lubba.
Hey there, hey there, three bags full.
You come here often? Yes, I do!
Dinner! Shubba-lubba-lubba. Drinks! Shubba-lubba-lubba.
Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss! Grab!
I slept with you the other night.
You didn't call, you didn't write.
I think you did it just for spite!
Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh!
Tell me about your portfolio!
Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh!
Lie to me about your family!
Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh!
YES! YES! YEAAA!!!
Oh…
God, you're good!

No! ([Kosh:] No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)
No! (No.) Sleep! (Sleep.) Til Babylon! (Babylon.)

(guitar solo - 11 measures)

Doom, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum,
Doom, doom, Z'ha'dum, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum,
Doom, doom, Z'ha'dum, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum,
Doom, doom, Z'ha'dum, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum,
Doom, doom, Z'ha'dum, doom, doom, Z'ha'dum,…

[Londo:]
Spoo. All I really want is Spoo.
And in the morning it's Spoo.
Cause in the evening it's Spoo.
I like the way that it tastes.
It's blue meatballs in greyish paste…

(fade out)
Track Name: Just Mister Londo
Just Mister Londo
A parody of David Lee Roth’s version of “Just A Gigolo” (originally by Louis Prima), about the character Londo Mollari from the sci-fi TV show “Babylon 5”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski
Opening Scene:
[SFX: Ambient restaurant noise]
Vir: Londo?... Londo?... Londo?... Oh! There you are. I brought the Spoo you asked for, aged just how you like it.
Londo: Bah. Take it away. That’s not what I really want.
Vir: Well, what do you want?
Londo: I want my friends back, Vir. Everybody sees me as some kind of monster now. It doesn’t matter if I’m Ambassador, Planetary Security Advisor, Prime Minister, or even Emperor Mollari. To them, now, I’m just Mister Londo.
Vir: Just Mister Londo?
Londo: Yes, just Mister Londo.
I’m just Mister Londo, and on the Zocalo,
People know the part I am playing.
Gambling all my credits, girls who like my status,
In my bed they’re staying.
In the Grand Old Days, I was decadent in ways
That would disgrace a pastor.
But today here I know,
I am just Mister Londo,
The fan-haired Ambass’dor.
[spoken:] Back me up, Vir.
I’m just Mister Londo, and I found out back at home,
Cartagia’s brain was a mess.
I had to make him dead, ‘cause I’d rather be ahead
In the polls than on his desk.
In the future far, when I’m strangled by G’Kar, *gack!*
What will they say about me?
When the end comes I know,
I was just Mister Londo.
Life goes on without me.
‘Cause,
IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Mollari. Yes, that’s me, Mollari. Mollari wants glory.
IIIII live for Centauri.
My Centauri, sweet Centauri.
Won’t some of my wives, have a drink with my mistress?
Have some Madeira, Adira!

On Babylon Five, I get sad and lonesome, all of the time.
All alone at home, watching what’s on ISN, yeah.

Zoot! Zootily-zootily-zoot! Zooty-Zoot!
IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Mollari, drinks heavily, til my Drakh keeper passes out. Hey Vir!
Londo: You know what else perplexes me? How come there are dozens of comedy song parodies about Star Trek and Star Wars, but next to none about Babylon Five? I mean really? It’s been fifteen years and there aren’t even a whole album’s worth of tracks yet. Someone by now could have done a song about how we saved Centauri and freed the Narn, to the tune by Adam’s Sandler, “Peace with G’Kar! I’m making peace with G’Kar!”
Vir: Or a parody of the Beach Boys “Kokomo” about the “Zocalo”!
Londo: Yes, exactly! Or there could have been an original reggae song called “Smokin’ Refa”!
Vir: Smokin’ Refa was Morden I could handle!
Londo: Ah! Refa and Morden! Very funny Vir! But still, no songs, and no friends! I’m all alone! All by myself! There is no one here beside me! I want my friends back!

Sheridan, Marcus, G’Kar, Zack, Ivonova,
Franklin, Delenn, Garabaldi, and Kosh!
I-I-I-I-I’m Londo Mollari! IIIII’m Londo Mollari!
Centauri! Minbari don’t like me. So sorry. So starry.
IIIII’m so sad and lonely, and buffoonish, and overweight. IIIII’m so sad and lonely.
Won’t someone from this station, please be a friend to me?
‘Cause I ain’t so bad.
This really gets old! It’s just so old, that’s it’s almost Jurasik!
Oh, what I need, what I really want and need,
Need a small, bald, pony-tailed, mama,
Great Maker! Ain’t got nobody, no friends at all! Kosh, help me out!

(Kosh in italics)
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Sinclair! Sinclair.
Lennier! Lennier.
Dr. Franklin! Dr. Franklin.
Garabaldi! Garabaldi.
John Sheridan! John Sheridan.
Susan Ivonova! Susan Ivonova.
Delenn and Marcus! Delenn and Marcus.
Zack and Lyta! Zack and Lyta.
And of course G’Kar! You forgot Lockley and Talia.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody! Nobody.
Nobody gives a damn about me.
Bo-dilly-bop bid-del-lee-yo do-bop, do-waaaaaah!!! Yeah!!!

Closing scene:
[SFX: Ambient restaurant noise]
Vir: Do you feel better now, Londo?
Londo: I do, thank you Vir. Say, bring me some of that Earth delicacy. What do the humans call it?
Vir: Bacon?
Londo: Yes! Bring me some of that!
Vir: Right away, Londo.
Londo: Bacon is tasty and delicious. Much better than Spoo…
[end]
Track Name: Battlestar Rhapsody
Battlestar Rhapsody
A parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen,
about the sci-fi TV series "Battlestar Galactica" (2003).
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Sienkowski


Is this the real life,
Living on Caprica.
We're protected by
The Battlestar Galactica.
To our surprise,
Look up to the skies and see…
It's the genocide, of all humanity (Ho-lo-cost)
The Cylons nuked the twelve, all to Hell.
What T.F.? F.T.L.!
Anywhere the fleet goes,
doesn't really matter to me… To me.

[Spoken:]
Adama: Send them out to the black. Tell 'em we ain't coming back.

Adama… is in command.
His son Lee Apollo's rash,
And he sometimes sports a 'stache.
Starbuck's… bean in some hot water,
But now she's in a latte trouble today.
Adama, Oo-oo-oo-oooo,
You're Olmos the man we need.
If President Roslin puts you in detention,
Carry on, carry on, 'cause you're really hot for teacher.

[Spoken:]
President Laura Roslin: Dr. Baltar! You have to write on the chalkboard,
"I will not give the Cylons access to the Colonies defense mainframe" 50,000 times!

Baltar, 'Doctor horrible',
Gets distracted by some curves,
This Gaius getting on my nerves.
Marylin Mon-robot, with eternal life.
When she dies she downloads to a Stepford Wife.
Athena… plays Helo too… (Anywhere the fleet goes)
Sharon had to cry.
Eight balled when they said baby Boomer died.

[Spoken:]
Dr. Gaius Baltar: This world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.

I see a little opera house inside my head.
There were five, dressed in white, or perhaps it was Gandalf?
Galen's gonna go nuts. Who ate all the donuts? Lee?
Lee Apollo! Lee Apollo!
Lee Apollo! Lee Apollo!
Lee Apollo ate them whole.
He's saying "D'oh!" "D'oh!" "D'oh!" "D'oh!" "D'oh!"
Three's just a skin-job, nobody loves her.
Three's just a skin-job, princess warrior.
She drives a Hybrid, a prophecizor! [Spoken:] Hybrid: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, end of line.
Hera is, two years old, took a little stroll.
Athena! No! The Six has got a hold. Let her go!
Athena! This vision was foretold. Let her go!
Athena! No need to go loco. Let her go!
Just saying hello. Let her go!
There I let her go.
Hera Hera Hera Hera here I go! Bam! Bang! Bingo!
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Eight!
Adama Lee Adama Lee Adama Lee married a ho.
You hear that song? I'm a Cylon all along? FRAK me!
FRAK me!
FRAK MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Rockin theme to classic "Battlestar Galacitca" plays]

Will the legend called Earth ever be where we land?
Will we all be forced to repeat "By your command"?
That tears it! Should have voted for Zarek!
Right down the Hatch! He's like Dick Cheney with ethics.

[Spoken:]
Comm. Saul Tigh: Don't blame me, I fixed the election for Roslin.
Joe: Want another Margarita, salt-eye?

Oooo-oooo-oooo, FRAK yeah! FRAK yeah!

[Spoken:]
Comm. Saul Tigh: What'd you say about my eye?! That's Commander!
Show some respect for the XO!
Joe: More like the KO'ed.
Comm. Saul Tigh: Huh?!
Joe: Here's your whiskey, sir!
Comm. Saul Tigh: That's more like it.

We're all in a quorem,
Anyone can see.
Without resurrection,
Nothing FRAKKIN' matters, to me.

So say we a-all.

[Spoken:] (whispered by all) fraaaaaaak!