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Because Of Bob: Luke Ski's Kickstarter FAWM album (songs I wrote about people for money)

by the great Luke Ski

Because of Bob... I ate at Chili Jon's in Burbank for the first time in 11 years. Because of Bob... I saw “Monsters University” with 40 of my fans and peers. Because of Bob I found myself on the hook to throw a weekend-long party called LukeSkiCon, And I spent a lovely Saturday in California catching rays while mowing his back lawn. Because of Bob... I ran into Dino-Mike at Not A Burger Stand where we ate our lunches. Because of Bob... I saw the NerdMelt open mic which had the funny jokes of Mr. Ron Funches. Because of Bob I sang Karaoke with Kornflake, until the break of dawn, And I spent a lovely Saturday in California catching rays while mowing his back lawn. Because of Bob... I saw Wesley Willis art in the apartment of MC Lars. Because of Bob... I went to Disneyland and rode that new ride based on Pixar's “Cars”. Because of Bob I saw Goofy cutting a rug cheered on by Belle and Mulan, And I spent a lovely Saturday in California catching rays while mowing his back lawn. Because of Bob... Bill and Moonbeam sang the phrase “fist pork”, their Mad Lib was the source. Because of Bob... I saw a gay robot skeleton, a late night douche, and a pantomime horse. Because of Bob I was in the same room with Harrison Ford, but he never spoke of Indy or Han, He just talked with Craig Ferguson about flying planes. And oh, I also mowed Bob's back lawn. Because of Bob, I watched Game Grumps, and gained Engine Sentai Go-Onger knowledge. [Hen-shin!] Because of Bob I learned more about how to animate from TV's Kyle in one day than 4 years in college. Because of Bob, Devo Spice proved performing with a fire alarm blaring is really hard, [Devo: Are you serious?] And I spent a lovely Saturday in California catching rays while mowing his back yard. Ha! Because of Bob... I showed a crowd home movies of my Yankee Doodle Dandy tap dance. Because of Bob... I got a free Chipotle meal and Lindsay Smith rocked the mic in a b-boy stance. Because of Bob I got a MacBook that came with GarageBand on which I composed this song, And I spent a lovely Saturday in California catching rays while mowing his back lawn. Bob, Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob Bob. Bob, BOB!!!
Verse 1: Who is Scott Rennison? Is he a 4-Star General no army can defeat? Who is Scott Rennison? Or is he selling bootleg “Webster” DVDs out in the street? Who is Scott Rennison? Did he get a Fulbright scholarship for discovering ancient prose? Who is Scott Rennison? Is he a Saskatchewan thumb-wrestler who punched you in the nose? Chorus 1: Who is Scott Rennison? Does he drink the best champagne? Did he hang Saddam Hussein? Did he invent a vegan recipe for venison? Who is Scott Rennison? Verse 2: Who is Scott Rennison? Did he spin straw into gold in exchange for your first born? Who is Scott Rennison? Did he make the algorithm that you use to search for porn? Who is Scott Rennison? Did he cultivate vaccines to make cancer kids feel better? Who is Scott Rennison? Does he work in back at Arby's making me a Beef 'N Cheddar? Chorus 2: Who is Scott Rennison? Did he draw layouts for “Frozen”? Did he discover the Higgs Bosun? Did he write a slash fanfic about Lord Alfred Tennyson? Who is Scott Rennison? Verse 3: Who is Scott Rennison? Is he the man who unified a disenfranchised generation? Who is Scott Rennison? Or is he just a vision of your drug-fueled imagination? Who is Scott Rennison? Did he play Elphaba in “Wicked” on Broadway and win a Tony? Who is Scott Rennison? Is he a guy who watches “Evangelion” and “My Little Pony”? [*phone rings*] Luke: Oh, oh, sorry, hold on a minute everyone, hold on... [*picks up phone*] Luke: Hello?... Oh, he is?... Oh, cool. Thanks... [*hangs up phone*] Luke: ...Well, that answers that. ...'kay... Moving on!...
One day two werewolf friends named Jeannie and Peter were talkin' about his human girlfriend Sarah, who he aimed to please. He told Jeannie that they finally went all the way. Oh, what a dumb man. He didn't know lycanthropy is a venereal disease. Ow-ooooh, Peter is the wolf! Ow-ooooooooh! Ow-ooooh, and now Sarah is the wolf! Ow-ooooooooh! Now Sarah can't control becoming a 12-foot-tall howling she-beast, exploding out of her clothes and running wild through the city streets. Now Peter only has two options with which to control her, either feed her wolfsbane, or get her between the sheets. Guess which he picks? Ow-ooooh, Peter is the wolf! Ow-ooooooooh! Ow-ooooh, Peter is the wolf! Ow-ooooooooh! Now Sarah is ******* hard with her gargantuan fuzzy **** bouncin', and see Peter's giant wolf **** glistening in the night. So if you like stories with werewolves totally ****ing the **** out of each other, well I can guarantee it's way better than “Twilight”. (hashtag, Team White Lightning Productions) Ow-ooooh, Peter is the wolf! Ow-ooooooooh! Ow-ooooh, Peter is the wolf! [Sitcom guy: Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.] [George Clinton: ROOF!!!]
Let me tell you all of a mighty man who seizes every day. Departs his home in Hampton and heads east to Raritan Bay. He leaves behind what kin he has, be it siblings, sons, or daughters, and steers the bow of his vessel into international waters. Once free of the laws of men of land, he calls upon the crew, and with a nod, they snap to work, they all know what to do. They hoist up metal dishes to the sky with bits of twine. “Turn on the generators, mates. It's time to go online! For somewhere on the web's a gloomy gus, forlorn and gone, who hasn't heard the latest viral “Lonely Island” song, he's needs a dose of laughter served up quickly like a bomb, so send the fool a link right now to 'Mad Music .com' Yes, cast away, me hearties, whether it's a pod or stream. There's never been a funny song that's too weird or extreme. Dementia will help people get through one more 9-to-5, says the Elegant Captain Wayne of the Mad Music ARRR-chive!” Some sailors use a net to catch great fish from spinnin' yarns, but the only fish in our internet are sung by 'Barnes & Barnes'. (Art & Artie: Yeah!) Some people ransack torrent sites, where music gets waylaid, “But this ain't music piracy, our artists all get paid!” His crew is made of DJ buccaneers you've heard before, Like Manic Monday's Devo Spice straight from the Jersey Shore. (Devo: Now I'm in this too!) Commodore Stavro Arrgolus stands at the helm with flair, as we sail along the airwaves when A-Logg is on the air. Get swindled by a Khan Man sitting in his Comedy Corner. DJ Particle swings from stem to stern, but no ones dares to warn her. She scours across the world for songs, from St. Paul to Stonehenge, “but if you mess with her Top 20, then she'll soon get her Revenge! If you still get demented all the time, not now and then, then raise a glass to David Tanny and to Wacky Ben! For though the power of comedy, this world we will survive, says the Elegant Captain Wayne of the Mad Music ARRR-chive! Take us home, boys!” He's plundered royal treasures and seduced our nation's females. I can't confirm or deny these facts, 'cause he won't answer my e-mails. And thanks to all his efforts, we can laugh and feel alive! “Thanks to the Elegant Captain Wayne of the Mad Music ARRR-chive!” The Elegant Captain Wayne “of the Mad Music ARRR-chiiiiive! Mad Music .com!” [*goat noise*]
Narrator: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime, and the attorneys, one of whom is really into science fiction and fantasy. This is his story. [Dun-Dun] Judge: People vs. Lex Luthor. Mr. Luthor, you are charged with criminal mischief for encasing the Daily Planet building in a block of Kryptonite jello. Bail is 13 million dollars, you wanna pay with cash, Visa, or PayPal? Lex: Not so fast, your honor. First you need to talk to my attorney... Lex: He’s Frank! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: Geek at law! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: He’s the Billy Flynn of fandom, full of knowledge and intrigue. When it comes to justice, there is no one in his league! Singers: He’s Frank! Lex: Will Frank! Singers: Geek at law! Will: Your honor, I move for a mistrial based on the fact that all 12 jurors are secretly cylons! Cylon 1: That is not affirmative. We are native New Caprica-, I mean, New Yorkers. Cylon 2: Hey yo, I am from da Bronx over here. Cylon 1: Fuhgeddaboutit. Cylon 2: Brooklyn in da house, y’all. Cylon 1: Go Red Sox. Cylon 2: Shhh! No! Shut up! Lex: He’s Frank! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: Geek at law! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: The bailiffs cheer and women swoon when he makes an objection. But that is nothing compared to his PokeMon collection! Singers: He’s Frank! Lex: Will Frank! Singers: Geek at law! Judge: Mr. Frank, the prosecution claims that the dog owned by your client, Tyrion Lannister, is the mother of his client’s puppies, and demands back support payments. Do you have anything to say in his defense? Will: Yes! A Lannister always spays his pets! Lex: He’s Frank! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: Geek at law! Singers: Will Frank! Lex: If you’re arguing with your gaming group about who will lead the journey, Don’t call the dungeon master, no, you need a good attorney. Singers: He’s Frank! Lex: Will Frank! Singers: Geek at law! Will: Mr. Albertson, you claim that your Dungeons & Dragons character, MurderFist the Barbarian Warlord Dwarf has an 18 charisma? CBG: That is true. Will: Will you raise your right hand and swear to it on this original copy of the D&D monster manual? CBG: Why certainly. Will: Your honor, please note that his fingers are covered in chocolate, the same chocolate found smeared on Exhibit A, his character sheet, proving the defendant literally FUDGED THE NUMBERS! CBG: Curse you, Keebler Elves! Your deliciousness is my epic fail! Singers: He’s Frank! Lex: Will Frank! Singers: Geek at law! Will: I rest my case!
There was an old west town called Dementia Radio dot Org. They had a lovely stream, a main street saloon, and a morgue. When one day came a stranger, round his neck, a broken noose, it's the infamous crazed DJ from Tewksbury, Massachusetts. Down at the main street saloon, Sheriff Bill addressed the town. He told them they were all the fastest disc jockeys around. When suddenly in burst a man to discredit that claim. The room fell silent, then Deputy Emi spoke his name... His name is WildCard. His name is WildCard. His name is WildCard. His name is WildCard. WildCard! (Hee-yah! {whip crack!}) Then Bill announced a bounty with a voice as loud as thunder. “I'll give a sack of gold to who can put him six feet under!” Whatever were his motives, we don't know and are remiss. It's just the kind of thing that happens in a song like this. The lawmen both said “What th-” but didn't end their articles, 'cuz Sheriff Bill and Deputy Emi were blasted into particles. Trav and Kristi left the bar with plate glass window crashes. When a gun was drawn by Phoenix, WildCard shot her into ashes. Byron's last words were “This Fun Zone sure isn't a fun day.” Got Tuesday with a shotgun, blew him clear back to last Monday. Almighty Nate Boi then attacked with his rantin' and ravin'. When Wildcard was all done with him, he threw him to a grave in. (“What kind of grammar is that?” “Shuuuut up!”) Next Madman, he went on the loose, with cover fire by Sin. But WildCard just got him committed to the Looney Bin. Megan and Moonbeam asked him “Would you like to have a three-way?” Saw through their trick, and threw them in the well with a big “HIEI!” That WildCard he broke all the man bones that were BreakMan Z's The remains of Chris Mezzolesta looked just like cream cheese Blaksmith took a horseshoe to the head and he was bummin' Ironicly, Lady Omniscience never saw it comin'. When the smoke had cleared, the sight was really something awful. The only one he hadn't murdered was old man Chris Waffle. With all the town deceased, he said to WildCard with such sadness, “The was an all you can eat buffet of musical madness.” They all snapped back to life when WildCard waved just like a wand. “I obtained mystic powers from a Blindwulf from beyond.” Said WildCard, “Grab that sack of gold, pack up and venture forth. We're gonna start a wagon train and journey way up north... ...and go to MarsCon. We'll go to MarsCon. We'll go to MarsCon. We'll go to MarsCon. MarsCon!” (“We're starting a Dementia Revolution!”) (Hee-yah! {whip crack!}) The moral of this story, if this song has any point, is if you walk in cocky, acting like you own the joint, before you shout out “I'm the greatest DJ in the land!”, just like a game of Poker, you best check, make sure your hand... ...don't have a WildCard. His name is WildCard. His name is WildCard. His name is WildCard. WILDCARD!!! (Hee-yah! {whip crack!})
It's the pod of destiny! Blasted Bill and Moonbeam host the show, but we don't know just where they'll go. It's the pod of destiny! Will they make a CostCo run, Or time-travel using the sun's density? It's the pod of destiny! Long ago, there was a man named Bill. The amount of ketchup he ate would make normal folks ill. One day he made a friend named Moonbeam. She watched “Clone High” and her pink hair was extreme. They both loved music that's pulling your leg, and think “Red Dwarf” is funnier than smeg. So they announced all Charles-Heston-y, “Here's our podcast, The Pod Of Destiny!” It's the pod of destiny! Will they fight crime like a vigilante, or just bum around Ypsilanti? It's the pod of destiny! Will they find a stairwell to interlope in, or find treasure when they say “Open Sesame”? It's the pod of destiny! They'll drive a golf cart through a field of shrubs, while recasting “Rocky Horror” with the actors from “Scrubs”. Their Mad Libs are as strange as you can get, just don't mess with their green screen or their tiny net. They'll have a bonfire if you bring a torch, or maybe hang out on the bacon porch. Each week Moonbeam will recommend something new, just don't do anything that she wouldn't do! It's the pod of destiny! He's got the sperm, she's got the eggs, and they both got 'Boot Al Weird Legs'! It's the pod of destiny! Will they eat some pie, or stop a war? My guess to you is as good as your guess to me. It's the pod of destiny! Welcome to your... ...edition of, THE POD OF DESTINY! With your hosts, “Blasted Bill” and Moonbeam! What's our destination of destiny today?
You all know about that old Saint Nick, Who can squeeze down a chimney with a magic trick. He's got a beard and hair that's long and white, and he's known to wear glasses flying through the night. When kids see him all big and round, they get so excited that they could burst... which can get awkward if you look just like him in a Wal-Mart on June 21st. A doppleganger for that jolly old elf, I try to sympathize with that guy. I wonder what it's like to walk around looking like Santa in July? (Ho, Ho, ...Huh?) The kids stop and gasp and point and stare, while you eat a corn dog at the county fair. Jump on your lap, what are you 'sposed to do? Guess you'll miss that Labor Day barbecue. What kind of guy would be a Scrooge or a Grinch, so you do just what a proper Claus would. Give them a wink, and a pat on the head, and remind them that it's nice to be good. Bringing some smiles, and some magic and fun to all the children passing by. I have to think it's pretty wonderful to look just like Santa in July. (Merry Independence Day!) [*fireworks sound effects*]
Even before I could walk or stand, My mom would tape a crayon in my hand. At my high chair, I learned how to draw. Got inspired when on the TV I saw, Snoopy cartoons and Sesame Street. Soon I taught myself how to read. At restaurants, the wait staff got blown away, as toddler I read the menu, “Soup of the day!” It's been that way ever since my time began. My mother always was my biggest fan. Skipped past Kindergarten to 1st grade, and should I mention I watched every program made by Jim Henson. My and my sis took the LP “Frog Prince”, what we did with it would make most parents wince. We made felt stick puppets at such a young age. Turned a refrigerator box into a stage. and performed to the record at the Public Library. Most other mothers would probably think that was scary, but she encouraged, helped us, and cheered us on the best she can. My mother always was my biggest fan. I did Star Wars disco acrobatics on stage, was President of Bloomfield Township 4-H, Reach-Out showtunes, singin' full voice, Animated films made with He-Man toys, Entering artwork at the County Fair, Alf Halloween costume with auburn shag hair, Played Ed Sullivan in “Bye Bye Birdie” Did stand-up at 15 saying words that were dirty. The Lake Geneva Regional News must have been all like, 'Oh god, not HER again!' My mother always was my biggest fan. My siblings have similar stories you'll find. Michael inventing gadgets for Odyssey of the Mind. Amy danced ballet for real, while J.T. was scratchin' records on the wheels of steel. Her kids creative expression is her groove, whether it's playing a concert, or helping us move. So when I call and say, “I'm making YouTube puppet shows, and some of them need custom make fandom clothes”, She'll drive 53 miles to help with whatever is my crazy plan. I always was my mother's biggest fan... ...and so are Amy and J.T. and Michael.
1st Verse/Chorus: Luke: People know me as the great Luke Ski. I TiVo every animated program on T.V. When it comes to plugging stuff I have no concept of discretion, (as Gilbert:) And I do an annoying Gilbert Gottfried impression. I've got more action figures than Demento's got wax. Won a Logan Award. Not braggin', check the facts. The only act with more year-end number ones than I is, you know, what's-his-name, that architect guy. Now lately the FuMP dot com has been ravaged by an 80's movie curse, like “Vice Versa's” Fred Savage, or Kirk Cameron in “Like Father, Like Son”. Remember that?... ...Nope. I'm the only one. First Kyle switched with Ian, then ShoEboX with Devo. That kind of thing surely won't happen to me though, but if it did happen I'm thinking I'd probably end up switching places with my friend, Carrie Dahlby. Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Do you prefer Steely Dan, or that Humpty Hump kook? So Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? Luke: “Did you ever do a scene in an apothecary?” Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie: Luke, are you Carrie? (spoken:) Luke: If you think I'm going to rhyme my name with 'puke' in this song, you're sorely mistaken. Moving on... 2nd Verse/Chorus: Carrie: At 6 a.m., I'm a sleep walking zombie. A first time mommy, it's me Carrie Dahlby. The only main FuMPer to experience pregnancy. I toss out kids LIKE I TOSS OUT HARMONIES! I love baby Alex even more than the Beatles, And at NEIU, I sing opera for reals. Everything's a song, as you can plainly see, and the world is made of guys just like Luke Ski. We've both done cat songs, not so perplexing. Mine were short and sweet, his were martian and sexy. We've been to the Dells, Comicon, and more, and we're BFFs, despite our Bad Rapport. (Luke: Plug!) Luke is the world's biggest Muppet Show fan. I mean I like 'em too, but holy crap, man! Won't shut up about MarsCon if you get him on a roll. I'm a middle east country, he's a mountain troll! Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Have you drawn caricatures at a prom in Dubuque? So Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke? Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? Carrie: Is your chest doubly round, or disgustingly hairy? So Carrie, are you Luke? Luke: Luke, are you Carrie? (spoken:) Carrie: Just what the FuMP needs, more meta inside joke songs. ~sigh~ Anyway... 3rd Verse: Luke: I eat tons of bacon! Carrie: I eat healthy food like Wheaties. Luke: I got too much stuff! Carrie: I got type two diabetes. Luke: I can do low voices. Carrie: I can squeak like a door hinge. Luke: She's known to wear pink. Carrie: He's known to wear orange. Luke: Ken Sherlock's my friend. Carrie: Man, I can't live without him. Luke: I listen to Mischke. Carrie: Yeah, I told you about him! Luke: I love “30 Rock”. Carrie: Damn, that show is real funny. Luke: I wrote all of this song. Carrie: And I took all of the money. Hey, what's going on? Luke: Did the switch happen maybe? Carrie: I'm blonde with a gut! Luke: I've got boobs and a baby! I'll put on your cheerleader outfit from '06, Grab my digital camera, and take some sexy pics, email them to myself for when we switch back. Carrie: What am I supposed to do? Luke: Well, you could hit the track. Do that Weight Watchers thing, you were always so great. Could you slim me down to about 188? Carrie: Ah?! How did I get the short end of the stick? Stuck in his body with his gigantic ego? Luke: You can belch like a man, and it won't seem profane! Carrie: What's this unexplained rash? Luke: Dude, I can explain. Carrie: That's it, I give up, guess we'll call it a wash. Now I'll go sleep with Sara, you go sleep with Josh! Luke: What?! Not tonight! I think I'm catching a fever! Josh: Hey, I'm not exactly thrilled about this either. (spoken) Sara: What's Luke plugging no-o-o-ow? Luke: Shuuut up! 4th Verse/Chorus: Luke: This FuMP body swappin' shows no signs of stoppin'. Now there's Hot Waffles in the Gothsicles' coffin. Carrie: Ookla Bubble Wrap's new song might thrill you, Luke: “Stop Talking About PokeMon Or I'll Kill You!” Carrie: Who are those six guys in one furry suit? Luke: Looks like Sci-Fried is now Max DeGroot. Carrie: Irish cat webcomics done by Marc Balder. Luke: Peanut butter sandwich rock by Possible Schlosser. Carrie: Kobi, are you Austin? Luke: Damsels, are you Shisho? Carrie: Are we on the main page? Luke: Or is this on the Sideshow? Carrie: Tom Smith is the Boobles and he likes it a lot. Luke: Dino-Mike, are you Derwood? Dino-Mike: God, I hope not. (Derwood: Hey!) Carrie: Toyboat Potato Chips? What a mess! Luke: Is Jesse Smith Morning Sidekick? Jesse: Actually, yes! Carrie: Positude Sisyphus says it all will be fine. Luke: Consortium of Genius, are you Flat 29? (spoken:) Dr. Pinkerton: YOU CAN'T FAKE A CAKE ON THE MAKE!!! Rich Green: Aw, farganargle! (end of song)


In 2012, I did a Kickstarter campaign to raise funds so I could acquire new tech that would aid me in making and performing new creative endeavors in art, comedy, and music. One of the donation prizes was that I would write and record a funny song inspired by the donor, and release all of these songs on an album. I participated in FAWM (February Album Writing Month) in 2014 as a means to write and record the 9 remaining songs I owe to those donors and release the album. The 10th song is a 2013 live version of the 2012 song I made for and with donor, friend, and frequent collaborator in comedy music, Carrie Dahlby. So while you likely won't understand much on this album, you'll certainly sense the fun and the appreciation I feel for these and all the folks who donated to my first Kickstarter. Thank you to all of you. Especially Bob. ~ Luke Ski, 2/25/2014


released March 7, 2014

All the songs were written by me, and composed by me using Garageband on my MacBook except tracks 3 (Warren Zevon) and 10 (Kyle Carrozza, Ian Bonds). Final mixes & musical assistance by "TV's Kyle" Carrozza.




the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.

The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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