BACONspiracy!

by the great Luke Ski

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about

The truth is out there. Actually the truth is in there. In your refrigerator, in your frying pan, in your burner, in your mouth, in your small intestines... it's the "BACONspiracy!" You too can learn the truth of how bacon controls your life, as well as hear comedy song tributes to "Doctor Who", "Family Guy", "Pirates of the Caribbean", and more! Listen aghast to Luke Ski's collaborations with nerdcore rap star MC Lars, the almighty pop-culture jugger-bot Wyngarde, not to mention co-conspirators such as Carrie Dahlby, The Gothsicles, Worm Quartet, Possible Oscar, Rob Balder, and more dementia artist cameos than are allowed by federal law! And look out behind you, because here comes the long awaited sequel to one of Luke Ski's most popular tracks, "It's A Fanboy Christmas II: The Wrath Of Claus"! So fire up your George Foreman grill, put on your tin foil hat, and get hip to the "BACONspiracy", Luke Ski's 7th full length album!

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released August 2, 2007

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about

the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

I am a Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor at Cartoon Network. The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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Track Name: the great Luke Ski
the great Luke Ski
A new original rap song about and by the great Luke Ski.
Music arrangement & engineering by J.T. Sienkowski
© 2006 Luke Sienkowski


*Unbelievable!* *Inconceivable!*
*Grammar like a hammer, information receivable!*
*Prince of rap rhymin’, who else could it be? But,*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*

*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*If you are offended by loud and obnoxious egomaniacal ranting and raving, then, tough noogies.*

Verse 1:
I’ve dominated the dementia charts,
I’ve redefined the parody and filking arts,
I’m the pro at these cons and, I’m from Wisconsin,
And all the fangirls want my Howard Johnson.
Hip hop nerd before it even existed,
Put comedy in sci-fi and then I twisted,
Now step to me and lyricly I’ll beat your ass in,
Like my name was “Scud: The Disposable Assassin!”
Ten years, I’ve grown to reign
As the fanboy comic who can entertain.
From thousands I got a standing ovation,
Proving that I’m the pimp of the geek nation!
I got a big head? (Well yeah, you’re right,)
Just ask any fangirl that goes home with me tonight!
She’ll check out my shtick, and find out quick
I got *2,000 miles of diiiiiick!*
I’m on an ego trip, so come along for the ride,
And you will find out that it’s all completely justified,
Or you could run and hide, that’d be okay with me,
Long as you know what put ‘the great’ inside ‘the great Luke Ski!’

*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*Musical comedy! The most glorious words in the English language!*

Verse 2:
You won’t believe all that I gotta go through,
Just so I can get here and do a show for you.
Schmoozing the con staff to book the invite,
The next step’s plugging it on my website.
You’ll get so many e-mails it’ll make ya wretch,
I’m slingin’ more Spam than a Monty Python sketch.
Pack every prop and costume I’m able,
CDs and signage for the merch table.
Then I cruise as I hop behind the wheel
Of my ‘97 Dodge Neon Luke-Ski-Mobile!
Two hundred K miles, and I’m addin’ more,
Get to the convention, kick down the door,
Check in, get my badge, next part of the scheme
Is for me to transform into a one man street team!
Put up fliers everywhere the eye can see,
So everybody knows where my concert will be.
If I don’t promote myself, who the Hell will?
You? I don’t think so. I got no time to chill.
Sit on panels, (FireFly versus Star Trek,)
Pluggin’ my show, all the way until sound check.
Then my adrenaline forms a geek rage,
The crowd goes wild as Luke Ski hits the stage!
Finally I get to rock the mike,
And kick these fandom lyrics you all like,
And if you like my comedy skills,
You’ll buy a disc so I can pay my rent and bills.
That’s my thing, I ain’t got no bling,
Just a few choice fangirls, and a mike in which to sing.
Those who decry me for living my dreams,
They’re just jealous at their day jobs eatin’ Krispy Kremes.
You may think this theme’s a little harsh on thee,
Well that’s too bad cause it’s the truth about the great Luke Ski

*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke, you’re a genius!*








Verse 3:
You must be a jerk if you say that you’re proud,
Of all you’ve accomplished, it’s just not allowed.
Milestones it’s taken me years to achieve,
I celebrate, cause in me I believe.
I’ll say I’m great and ignore and their wack ilk.
Ain’t gonna steal any more of my self-esteem.
And I’ll win the Pegasus for best rap filk,
(Yeah?) In the year Twenty-seven-thirteen.
This is Dementia: The Next Generation,
And I’m the Jean-Luke of the Federation.
It’s revolution time! Are you ready? (Yeah!)
I’m the ‘G-R-8’, to the ‘Luke’, to the ‘S-K-E’.
Oops, I meant to say ‘I’…
Uhh, ‘cause ‘S-K-I’ spells ‘Ski’. I no longer have to justify,
The things I do or what I say,
And if I never make it big, that’ll be okay,
But if the time does come, watch my stardom rise,
I’m exhalted in the worshipping nations’ eyes,
And I’ve gone ego mad, from all my fortune and fame,
I’ll grab the mic and scream, (“WHAT’S MY NAME?!?!”) (And you’ll say,)

*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*
*the great*… *Luke, it is your destiny.*
That prophecy you wrote? Well hey it just came true!
Right now my default voice is mine, and it’s sayin’ “Screw you!”
To all the haters, rue! I’ve hit my destiny!
And now you know what put ‘the great’ inside *the great*… *Luke*… *Ski!*

(Spoken:)
YES! IT IS I! THE GREAT LUKE SKI! THE OUTCAST MUSICAL JESTER OF SCI-FI! EMISSARY OF RAP DEMENTIA! AND THE FUNNIEST MOTHER-FILKER OF ALL TIME!… (music stops, the word “TIME!” echoes a few times…)

…*Once again, I’ve alienated our target demographic.*
Track Name: BACON!
BACON!
An original rap song by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski
Now you can say a lot about a guy like me.
I'm a spazzy fanboy, watchin' too much TV,
Collectin' action figures, comic books and such,
And I like "Wonder Woman" just a little too much.
But there is one thing, you would be very mistaken,
To question my devotion, it will never be shaken.
If you do, you'll see my wrath and then you'll be quakin'
To put it plain and simply,
…I… …love… …BACON!…
I put bacon on my burger when I order double cheese.
I put bacon on my salad, but I throw away the leaves.
I grind bacon into powder and I mix it with my salt.
I blend bacon with my ice cream and I make a bacon malt.
I eat bacon all alone, I'll eat bacon in a group.
I eat bacon chopped and mixed into my chicken noodle soup.
I'll eat bacon with Doritos, and entire can of Spam.
And I'll even top it off with Soylent Green Eggs and Ham!
BACON IS DELICIOUS, IS SO YUMMY, IS SO GREAT!
BACON IS THE SUBSTANCE STACKED A FOOT HIGH ON MY PLATE!
BACON IS SO TASTY, IS SO AWESOME, IS THE BEST!
BACON IS THE FOOD THAT I KEEP TUCKED INSIDE MY VEST!
(Yum yum, eat 'em up!)

If you say I like it too much, well I say the Hell with that!
As I place upon my head a brand new stylin' bacon hat.
It was made out of the meat strips that I constantly desire
Fresh and hot off the wire, from designer Oscar Meyer.
So call me a dork, when I eat it with a spork.
I'm a razzafrackin' Pac-Man eating dots of salted pork.
It's an entrée and a condiment, so kill the condemnation,
And I hang it on my walls, just to use as decoration.
I eat bacon in the morning, I eat bacon in the night.
I won bacon playing Plinko on the show "The Price Is Right".
If you do not comprehend it, well I guess I'll spell it out.
B is for the by-products like grissle, grease, and grout.
A is for the Apple Smoky flavored Cudahy.
C is for lettuce which goes on a B.L.T.
O is for… um… …ostrich.
N is for never get a side order of sausage!
BACON IS MY DINNER, IS MY DESSERT, IS MY SNACK!
BACON IS THE REASON THAT YOUR BABY GOT BACK!
BACON IS THE RULER, IS THE MASTER, BACON REIGNS!
BACON IS WHAT'S CLOGGIN' ALL MY ARTERIES AND VEINS!
(Yum yum, eat 'em up!)

Could it be a big conspiracy that bacon's on my brain?
Bacon was the dying word of Charles Foster Kane.
Bacon's written backwards on an old Da Vinci scroll.
Bacon was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Bacon laundered all the cash of Mr. John Gotti.
Bacon wrote the by-laws of the whole Illuminati.
Bacon changed the recipe of Coke for no reasons.
Bacon played 'Becky' on "Roseanne" for two seasons.
(ShoEboX :) Bacon was the last opponent that Dale Earnheart raced.
Bacon is a Hanukkah gift for those with piss-poor taste.
Bacon crashed my car. Bacon shot J.R..
Bacon knows where Waldo, Hoffa, and Atlantis are.
Bacon told Titanic not to worry 'bout the ice.
Bacon knows you're naughty, and it knows when you are nice.
Bacon flew to Hiroshima when they dropped the bomb.
(ShoEboX: Bacon is your father,) cause it hooked up with your Mom!
Bacon rigs the Super Bowl with help from John Madden.
Bacon was the voice of Iago on "Aladdin".
(beat stops breifly) - Hey, what happened to the song?
('Gilbert': I ate some bacon, so the mix came out wrong!)
BACON IS THE FREEDOM, IS THE POWER, IS THE WAY!
BACON IS THE INDIAN WHO SANG "Y-M-C-A"!
BACON IS THE ANSWER, IS THE QUESTION IS YOUR FRIEND!
BACON IS THE SAVIOR THAT WILL SAVE YOU IN THE END!
Bacon bacon bacon bacon by the score!
Bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon ga-galore!
(ShoEboX: So, you wanna meet at Denny's at, say, 8:04?)
AS IF I HAVE THE TIME TO EAT BREAKFAST ANYMORE!!!!!!
(Song peters out, sound of bacon frying, Luke wails and cries and then screams:)
BAAAACOOOOONN!!!!!!
(ShoEboX: (quietly) oink oink oink oink oink...)
Track Name: I Love You, TiVo
I Love You, TiVo
An original doo-wop song about the TiVo digital video recorder.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2005, 2007 Luke Sienkowski
My long work day ends, I can finally go home.
Though I'm tired, that's okay, cause I won't be alone.
Toss my jacket, and my keys, as I enter my place,
And the sight of you there puts a smile on my face.
Cook some dinner up quick, fade the lights down real soft.
Put the house phone on mute, turn the cellular off,
All that e-mail can wait, give my laptop the heavo-ho,
I approach you and say, in a voice espressivo…
…Iiii love, you, TiVo!
…I love you, TiVo.
…TiVo, my darling, you'll always be mine.
…Oh, I,… will never leave, no.
…My TiVo, you make T.V. so divine.
(You make T.V. so divine.)
If there's something more sublime well I don't know what it is.
You let me pause the live T.V. so I can take a whiz.
Your Season Passes grab all my programs like no other.
You caught all 48 episodes of last summer's "Big Brother".
Your cute colored dots, make suggestions for a fun day.
Your instant replay came in handy with Janet on Super Bowl Sunday.
Your To Do List, is to please me, no one's happier than we are,
'Cause nothing can come between the love of a man and his DVR.
Oh, I… …I love you, TiVo.
…TiVo, my darling, your remote is so fine.
…You recorded the VH-1 special on "Devo",
…My TiVo, you got intelligent design.
(You got intelligent design.)
For just 13 bucks every month you will capture the best that my TV has,
So I set up a wish list for all of the shows that are starring Cameron Diaz.
I'll tell the whole world, 'I give her three thumbs up, oh no, I would never spurn her,
Unless I upgraded to get the new model that has a DVD burner.'
Oh, TiVo. I know sometimes things aren't perfect between us.
Like the time I went away for a week on business and when I
got back the only show you had recorded for me was "House".
Well, I was so mad at you that I almost threw you in the
recycling bin and left you for downloads on Bittorrent.
But when I picked up the phone and there was no dialtone,
I discovered that the line had been cut by squirrels chewing
on the poles outside, preventing you from making your daily
programming call. Well soon on the front lawn, the repairman
fixed the coveted land line, and I planted walnut-covered
land mines, and I knew after that nothing would ever come
between us again. I apologized to you and made it up to you
by dusting you ever so gently with Lemon Pledge and a shami
cloth. Then we snuggled ever so close and watched that
half-crippled snarky doctor make light of his patient's
debilitating fatal diseases. And at that moment, I looked
deep into you beautiful green LED light, and I knew I would
never let you go. Oh, my TiVo, this is my message to you.
You gotta believe me when I say...
-Iiiiiiiiii… I love you Ti-ee-hee-Vooooo!
TiVo my darling, you'll always be mi-I-I-ine.
Oh, Iiiiiii… will never leave, No,
My TiVo,…
…uh, switch to channel nine.
(Switch, to, chan-, -nel, niiiiiine!)
Gotta see "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"!
Track Name: UR
"UR"
A sketch by the great Luke Ski and Carrie Dahlby
Based on an idea by Carrie Dahlby
[A hard rock theme song akin to late 80's / early 90's action cartoon shows for boys plays,
male vocalists sing in unison the lyrics to the theme song:]
THEME SONG VOCALISTS: Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash!
GUY 1: Unexplained Rash! Yeah!
[Stinger music plays]
TV ANNOUNCER: This week's episode: 'Cripes! Where did that come from?'
GUY 2: Hey, how's it goin'?
GUY 1: Oh, it's going pretty good- CRIPES! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!
[Stinger music plays]
TV ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to "Unexplained Rash" after this word from our sponsor.
[Some different music plays softly in the background]
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Hey kids! Do you love all the fun and excitement of your favorite
cartoon action adventure show "Unexplained Rash"!?
KIDS: Yeah!
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Well now you can live it every morning at your breakfast table when
you eat a new cereal based on your favorite TV show!
KIDS: Whaa?
COMM. ANNOUNCER: That's right, it's "Unexplained Rash: The Breakfast Cereal!"
[Stinger music plays]
KIDS: All right!
GUY 1: Unexplained Rash! Yeah!
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Yes, in every bowl you'll get a lumpy, bumpy swollen mouthful of red blisters!
KIDS: Wow!
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Orange pimples!
KIDS: Cool!
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Yellow hives!
NEAT KID: Neat!
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Green urticaria!
KIDS: Uhh.
COMM. ANNOUNCER: Blue eczema!
KIDS: Umm.
COMM. ANNOUNCER: And purple dermatitis!
NAUSEUS KID: I'm really not hungry anymore.
NEAT KID: No thank you.
COMM. ANNOUNCER: With a full day's supply of histamines, it's an allergenic part of your nutritious
breakfast. Your kids are just itchin' to try it!
RAD KID: "Unexplained Rash: The Breakfast Cereal" is the raddest!
RADISH: Did somebody mention a radish?
KIDS AND RADISH: [laugh a lot at that last line as if it were a catch phrase from the show]
[The different music ends, stinger music plays]
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, the exciting conclusion of "Unexplained Rash"!
GUY 1: Oh, it's just a couple Mosquito bites. It's all right.
RADISH: Did somebody mention a radish?
GUY 1: No.
RADISH: [bummed] Huuuuhhh…
[Theme song repeats]
THEME SONG VOCALISTS: Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash, Unexplained Rash!
TV ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned! Coming up next is everyone's favorite web ejaculating super hero, Spider Crotch!
[Vocalists sing the Spider Crotch theme song to the tune of "Spider-Man"]
SPIDER-CROTCH VOCALISTS: Spider Crotch, Spider Crotch, he shoots things from his crotch
while others watch. See his swinging with his penis over the city and kissing girls upside down,
because that's what they did in that other movie…
[-fin-]
Track Name: You Don't Know Jack
You Don’t Know Jack
An original rock/metal shanty about the “Pirates of the Caribbean”
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski, music by Jared Ringold & John Mapes
© 2006 Luke Sienkowski


Black lyrics: Regular vocalists, straight Gilbert & Sullivan sounding male lead vocals (at least 2, maybe 3)
Red lyrics/spoken parts: Captain Jack Sparrow
Blue lyrics/spoken parts: Pintel
Green lyrics/spoken parts: Ragetti


Intro… (12 measures, spoken slowly with minimal to no instrumentation besides cymbal rolls, perhaps follow my scratch vocal as a guide for recording instruments on this part)
Jack Nicholson’s an actor, and Jack Black, he rocks for laughs.
Jack Skellington’s the pumpkin king with jolly epitaphs.
Bruce Campbell played Jack Stiles, who was the “Jack Of All Trades”.
And Jackie Chan did his own stunts while juggling live grenades.
(*SFX: explosion*) (P&R laughing)
All of these Jacks beloved, they all go the straight and narrow,
But none of these Jacks holds a candle to Captain… Jack… Sparrow!

Jack: Savvy?

Opening Musical Lead-in (4 measures, real song tempo kicks in here)
Jack: Play those drums you pilferin’ percussionist! Pound ‘em lad, pound ‘em!

Verse 1 (16 measures)
The Pirates of the Caribbean sailed the ocean blue,
Led by Captain Barbosa and his own skeleton crew,
They ransacked old Port Royal and they took a gold doubloon,
So that they could break the curse and see their skin under the moon.
When Jack had met Will Turner, he knew he was Bootstrap’s son,
So he broke out to guide him, like a drunken Obi-Wan.
Will Turner saved his girlfriend, and they broke the Aztec curse,
And we summarized the whole damn film in just one bleedin’ verse!



Music Fill A (2 measures)
Pintel: Yeah, it got two pegs up!

Chorus 1 (8 measures)
When young Ms. Swann stood by Will’s side, that’s when Norrington knew,
Despite he had the Wedding Date, his Coupling days were through.
The Pearl hit the horizon, and there was no looking back,
If you’ve never seen the movie, then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!

Music Fill B (4 measures)
Pintel: Don’t bump the mic, I’m bootlegging this song!
Ragetti: Are you going to sell it?
Pintel: Yeah, I’m gonna burn it onto a CD-ARRR!!!

Verse 2 (16 measures)
I frequent the cantinas drinking up between ordeals,
But I dislike when cannibals invite me to their meals.
Aboard the Flying Dutchman after seeing every griever,
I took one look at Davey Jones and said “I’m a believer!”
Meanwhile Will and his leggy lass, became a bride and groom,
Decided he would help him ‘elf, and then he lowered the Bloom.
He took Elizabeth-to-Town, though it may seem unsightly,
Now everyone in Royal knows who does Kiera Knightly!

Music Fill C (2 measures)
Pintel: I’d buy that for a shilling!

Chorus 2 (8 measures)
So come on all, and sing a song about our favorite crook,
He’s sure not Finding Neverland, but at least we got a hook.
Go walk the plank and take a Depp, and just ignore his plaque,
If you think that he’s gone Wonka, then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!

Music Fill D (4 measures)
Jack: This singing is horrible! What key is this song in?
Ragetti: I dunno, the dog’s got the key!
(*SFX: dog growl: grrrrr*)
Pintel: C’mon boy! Here nice doggie!
Ragetti: (whistles)



Verse 3 (16 measures)
I met a buxom bar wench whose husband was laid to rest,
So I decided to help myself to that dead man’s chest.
She said, “Back off, you scalawag!”, which was to my dismay,
But soon after I taught to her the meaning of “Parlay”!
Once Pintel and Ragetti looked depressed to my surprise,
They fancied bawdy poppets who had caught their working eyes.
They asked me, “How do you get pleasurable company?”
I just say, “Yo, ho! Yo, ho!” “A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!” ( EVERYBODY)

Music Fill E (2 measures)
Pintel: I’ve got a FastPass for you, lass!

Chorus 3 (8 measures)
From Orlando to Anaheim, he’ll take you for a ride,
So you just remain seated, keep your hands and arms inside.
Forget the flash photography, and enjoy the attack,
Of a hundred lootin’ robots here THAT ALL KNOW JACK!

Music Fill F (2 measures)
Jack: Why is the rum gone?!
Ragetti: Cause we’re in a Disney park!

Chorus 4 (final chorus) (8 measures)
Port Royal to Tortuga, all the scrumpets he will woo,
A cross between Keith Richards, and that skunk Pepe LePew!
He’s golden on the silver screen while you enjoy a snack,
And if you don’t know the Code, well then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!
Closing Musical Outro (4 measures)
Ragetti: Forget leverage, I want cleverage!
Jack: Remember, dead men get no tail!
…YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!
Track Name: Gettin' Giggity Wit It
Gettin’ Giggity Wit It
A parody of “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith
About the TV cartoon “Family Guy”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke C. Sienkowski
(9 Measure Intro)
Peter: Bring it. Woo! Uh uh uh uh.
Quagmire: Ha ha, ha ha!
Peter: Bow, bow, bow, bow, ba bow, ba bow... (Peter scats Family Guy theme)
Quagmire: What what what what? Uh!
(Verse 1: Quagmire:)
Howdy girls, this is Glen Quagmire, jet plane flier.
Conspire, acquire, desire, perspire, grab my clothes and fly.
Toots, goodbye! Neighbor of a Family Guy. (All right!)
Now doll don’t treat me like I’m some Greased Up Deaf Guy.
I’m spendin’ all my life slammin’, bammin’, thank you ma’amin’.
Quagmire’s bangin’ any chick that moves, and even some that aren’t.
So dance to the beat, while I stare and glance at your feet. Fetish romance discreet.
Liquor and booze, and then we’ll break into zoos, and find penguins.
Who’s wife I want? Peter Griffin’s.
Hit the bar with Cleveland and Joe the cripple.
They drink beer, I’ll have a buttery nipple.
See any skank and I’ll hit it.
Joe: ALL RIIIIGHT!
Cleveland: We get the point.
Big Peter styles all in it.
Peter: Hahahahahaha…
Getting’ Giggity wit it!
(Chorus 1)
Quagmire: Giggity giggty giggity!
Peter: Getting’ Giggity wit it!.
Quagmire: Heh-heh, all right!… Getting’ Giggity wit it!… Giggity giggity goo!
Peter: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
Quagmire: Hey Peter, you want to take a verse?
Peter: Sure, thanks Glen!
(Verse 2: Peter:)
TV shows return from the dead?
Those execs better learn and bring back “Herman’s Head”.
Clucka punch! clucka punch!
Giant chicken fought me ‘cross Rhode Island to the sea, til he hurt my knee. (Sss! Aah!)
Much love for the boob-tube.
Turned my brain into pop culture stew.
Makes me confused and I don’t know what to do,
Like the time when the Black Eyed Peas were on Doctor Who!
(Instantly cut to a parody of the chorus of “Let’s Get It Started” by the Black Eyed Peas:)
Let’s get the TARDIS, ha!
Let’s get the TARDIS in here!
Let’s get the TARDIS, ha!
Let’s get the TARDIS in here!
(Cut back to the song right where we left off:)
You see what I mean? It’s another random joke cut scene!
Screw the narrative. It’s imperative that I drink beer.
Take of my clothes and show my fat rear to Mayor West ‘cause the Bat can’t stop it! Zat right Chris?
Chris: There’s an evil monkey in my closet!
Down in Quahog, you just can’t beat all the things that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
Freakin’ sweet! Getting’ Giggity wit it!
(Chorus 2)
Quagmire: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
Peter: Getting’ Giggity wit it!.
Quagmire: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
(Over Chorus 2, Stewie and Brian have a conversation:)
Stewie: So, Brian let me see if I understand this.
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: The words ‘jiggy’ and ‘giggity’ sound alike, and that's the entire premise of this piece?
Brian: Yeah, I suppose.
Stewie: Well the whole thing is bloody ridiculous!
Brian: We’ve done more pointless things on our show.
Stewie: Not by much, dog. Well I suppose I'd better bring it on home, as they say on Broadway.
Brian: You would know.
Stewie: SILENCE MUTT!!!
(Verse 3: Stewie:)
Reincarnation of Dr. Zachary Smith.
Who’s the kid with the gun? Who else? Stu Griff!
Mom gave me life, should've taken a miss.
A ticking time bomb from her uterus. Surely won’t arouse her.
Pick on Brian the uptight schnauzer
Since I came out like Doogie Hauser.
Lois should have used the pill, now I’m getting’ ill.
Would you like to babysit a rugrat that’s born to kill?
Never see me relax and chill.
I’d rather send Mom some love, goodwill, and a daffodil!
Psyche! Joshin’. I sent her small pox.
You are watching Fox. Same network as American Idol
Brings you an infant that’s matricidial.
Crib’s where I’m planning my next deadly ruse.
Lois: Time for a diaper change!
What the deuce?!?! Gaaah!…
Quagmire: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
(Chorus 3:)
Peter: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
Quagmire: Getting’ Giggity wit it!
Peter: Getting’ Giggity wit it!

(Over Chorus 3, Stewie is heard yelling at Lois:)
Stewie: …Unhand me vile woman! I was about to finish my verse!
How dare you strip me naked in front of all these people!
This humiliation is abuse I tell you! I’ll report you to the- GAAH!
Those wipes are cold! Ah, eh, well the powder there isn’t so bad.
It’s quite nice actually.

Quagmire: Heh-heh, all right! Giggity giggity, giggity goo!

Stewie: By the way did you notice we never mentioned Meg? Yeah, that was intentional.

(fade out)
Track Name: Luke Ski's Next Big Cartoon Parody Hit...
Luke Ski's Next Big Cartoon Parody Hit
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski


Klaus: I’m not sure, Mien Heir. There’s some confusion with the schedule. You better come out here.

Roger: Oh, all right! (sigh) For the love of Alf, I swear. (opens door) Okay people, listen up, because we don’t have a lot of time here. Coming up next at 4:00 we have Invader Zim. Zim, are you ready?

Zim: An Invader is always ready, my fellow superior non-human-meat-scum.

Gir: I get to play the Pig-O-Phone! (Gir plays Pig-O-Phone)

Roger: What song will you be parodying?

Zim: I will be parodying “I’ll Stand By You” by Carrie Underwood.

Roger: Wow! How current and ambitious! What’s it called?

Zim: It’s called “ALL HUMANS WILL BE ENSLAVED AND EXTERMINATED BY THE MIGHTY IRKEN SPACE ARAMADA OF DOOM!!!” (Gir plays Pig-O-Phone)

Roger: Well, that kinda doesn’t scan too well. Or at all, for that matter. All right, after that will be Ignignokt and Err at 4:30,

Ignignokt: Correction, we shall be recording at 4:20.

Err: Smokin’ our weed!

Ignignokt: That’s right, Err. We are condoning the use of illegal substances, because we’re cool.

Err: Cool like your Mom was, back in the day!

Roger: So you guys are doing a song about “Aqua Teen Hunger Force”?

Ignignokt: No, we will be doing a cover version of the Moxy Fruvous song “You Will Go To The Moon”.

Err: We love the Moon! ‘Cause it is close to us!

Ignignokt: That’s right, Err. And when you go to the Moon, you will buy one of our time-shares. And we will spend your money on prostitutes.

Err: I like They Might Be Giants and Moxy Fruvous!

Roger: Well, it’s been done before, but hey, whatever floats your boat. Okay, next on the list at 5:00, um, is there a Doctor Girlfriend in the house?

Dr. Girlfriend: Right here, sweetie.

Roger: Nice retro look there, Jackie-O! You and your entourage here to do a parody about “the Venture Brothers”?

Dr. Girlfriend: No, we’re here to do a song for my new hubby, the Monarch.

#21: Yeah, I wrote it myself! It’s gonna be called “Don’t Cha Wish Your Dr. Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me”?

#24: But that doesn’t make any sense! It should be “Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Dr. Girlfriend?”

#21: That’s so redundant!

#24: Well yours scans for crap! Why can’t we do my idea “Butterfly Misses”?

#21: Sure, that’s a good idea, if you’re gay!

#24: Shut up! You’re gay!

Roger: Stop bickering, you’re both gay! Dr. G., why don’t you confer with your minions and get your song figured while you have the time, kay?

Dr. Girlfriend: Sure thing, Roger. I can’t take you two anywhere! If you ever want to lay a woman like me, you’d better learn to act like real men!

Roger: Then, last slot of the day, 5:30, Mr. Ruckus?

Uncle Ruckus: That’s Uncle Ruckus. No relation.

Roger: And you’re here to do a song about “The Boondocks” I take it?

Uncle Ruckus: Heavens, no! There’s way too many ethnic characters on that show for my tastes. I’m here to do a song in tribute to the single greatest cartoon ever made, “Winnie The Pooh”.

Roger: “Winnie The Pooh?”

Uncle Ruckus: “Winnie The Pooh.”

Roger: Okay, um, I’m actually scared to ask this, but, what’s your song?

Uncle Ruckus: I’m gonna do a new song I just made up, called…

Roger: Oh, here it comes…

Uncle Ruckus: “Don’t Trust Them New Tiggers Over There”

Roger: And I’m out. I’ll be at the bar if you need me.

Uncle Ruckus: Don’t trust them new Tiggers over there,
Lisping all their S’es everywhere,
Them Bouncy, Pouncy Tiggers,
With their fur all full of chiggers,
Don’t trust them new Tiggers over there!

Gir: I go ‘splodey now! Ha ha haaa! (EXPLOSION!)

(the end)
Track Name: MC Freberg
MC Freberg

A musical sketch in tribute to Stan Freberg, satirizing rap music.

Written by the great Luke Ski

© 2007 Luke Sienkowski



[SOUND BITE: "Life could be a dream, life could be a dreammmm-" DJ scratched]

[SFX: Stan blows his whistle]

STAN: All right, hold it, hold it you guys. This is a mid-80’s rap number, you gotta be careful or somebody’s libel to understand what you’re rapping about. You want that to happen?

RAP ACTS: No.

STAN: Well then you gotta talk unintelligible like me, right Flavor Flav?

FLAVOR: You said it, boyee! Ach ach ach…

STAN: Now I’d like to welcome you all to the newly formed rap division of Obscurity Records. I’ve assembled all you rap acts here today so we can cut a record together and see which of you we’d like to sign on to our label. Now some of you have already released albums, and some of you are newcomers. Just relax and follow my directions, but the main thing is, we gotta jump on this rap thing and capitalize off of it quick as we can. It’s just like that Rock and Roll fad, and you all remember how quickly that went away, right?

[SFX: phone rings, picks up the phone]

STAN: Hello?

[SOUND BITE: "Don’t be a smart ass."]

STAN: Oh, sorry.

[SFX: hangs up phone]

STAN: Over here providing beats for you all on the wheels of steel, we have DJ Billy May.

DJ B-MAY: I’m the beat with the beats, man.

STAN: You may remember him, he did that big hit club remix of "High School Ooh-ooh" by Clyde Ankle. Show ‘em what you got, B.

[SOUND BITE: DJ scratched sample of the Dragnet sting]

(RAP ACTS react positively)

STAN: Wun’erful, wun’erful! Okay, now, you guys wanna sell a few records?

RAP ACTS: Yeah.

STAN: Well, then stick some old rags in your mouth and take it again from the top, okay?

RAP ACTS: Kay!

DJ B-MAY: Point of order, point of order, yo man like, point of order…

STAN: Kay, I don’t want to understand the words now, real mumbly. Uh-

DJ B-MAY: …point of order, point, of order…

STAN: Yes, B-May, you have a point of order?

DJ B-MAY: You want them to mumble through the entire song?

STAN: That’s right.

DJ B-MAY: Wow. So like, what are they supposed to say then, man?

STAN: You know, any mumbley non-sensical thing. Like a hip hop, the hippie the hippie, to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it, to the bang bang boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!

DJ B-MAY: Oh, you mean like a bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy?

STAN: Yeah, yeah, like all I wanna do is zoom a zoom a zoom zoom, and a boom shalock lock shake the room! You know, stuff that’s onomotopaeic!

DJ B-MAY: Something with a SLAM! Or a WHOOMP! Or even a… SH-BOOM?

STAN: There it is!

DJ B-MAY: Hit me. So, you’re not even going to let them say one word?

STAN: No.

DJ B-MAY: Not one word?

STAN: No.

DJ B-MAY: Not ONE WORD?!

STAN: (sigh)…If I let them say one word, will you drop it?

DJ B-MAY: Solid.

STAN: Fine. One word, one word… Hmm, Let me go through the mail here, uh, let’s see, uh, junk mail, bill, bill, you may already be the winner, meh… Obscurity Records, that’s us, Brooklyn, New York. Hmm. Brooklyn. Brooklyn! Okay, you guys! Whenever I point at you, you say "Brooklyn", but all the rest is mumbling, ‘kay?

RAP ACTS: ‘Kay.

STAN: Except for Run DMC. Since you guys did that song about Adidas shoes, I’m putting you in charge of product placement, so you gotta speak clearly. That Adidas song was such a great piece of advertising that I would have bought a pair of Adidas myself, if I hadn’t just gotten these new Pumas.

DJ B-MAY: Ooh, are those street Pumas?

STAN: Newer, they’re Pete Pumas.

DJ B-MAY: Pete Pumas?

STAN: Yeah, Pete Pumas. They’re the new hi-tech kind with the air pump instead of laces, see?

[SFX: shoe pump sound effect]

DJ B-MAY: If you wanna make sure they’re on tight, how many pumps do they need?

STAN: A WHOLE LOTTA PUMPS! HEE-HAY-HEE!

DJ B-MAY: Ugh, lousy pun!

STAN: Ahem, excuse me. Anyway, Run DMC, when I give you the cue, you do the product placement, ‘kay?

RUN DMC: ‘Kay.

STAN: All right, let’s get this party started, B-May. Kick it.

(Sh-Boom rap beat & bass line start)

STAN: Nice. Now turn up the bass.

(bass volume increases as Stan keeps asking for it)

STAN: Make the bass louder… Louder… Louder!

DJ B-MAY: I got it at ten, man! You want more than that?

STAN: Yes, take it all the way to thirteen! I wanna hear that bass!

DJ B-MAY: You got it.

[SOUND BITE: "Rumble rumble rumble, mutiny mutiny mutiny"]

STAN: Okay, pull it back to ten. Ten is good enough. Okay, all right, first up, Public Enemy. Chuck D and Flavor Flav, hit it! Let’s go!

FLAVOR: Yeeeaaaahh!!

(beat switches to "Public Enemy")

(CHUCK D. & FLAVOR FLAV rap jibberish Public Enemy style, Brooklyn mentioned)

CHUCK D.: (during the mumbling, he suddenly says:) Respect yourself!

[SFX: Stan blows his whistle]

STAN: All right I distinctly understood a word that time. Let’s watch it ‘eh?

CHUCK D.: Sorry.

STAN: You know the rules, I got my eye on ya that’s all. Here we go, it’s Biz Markie’s turn, real monotonous now!

(beat switches to Biz Markie)

(BIZ MARKIE raps jibberish, sneaks in an "Oh, snap!", Brooklyn mentioned)

FLAVOR: Yo, that story was like theatre of the mind, boyee! It was just wild enough, Biz! Just wild enough! Ach ach ach!

STAN: All right, knock off that jazz, huh Flavor? Very good, Biz, nice and diabolical. Next up we have some nice clean cut looking boys here, the 2 Live Crew! Come on and move somethin’, let’s go!

(beat switches to 2 Live Crew)

(2 LIVE CREW raps jibberish, as [SFX: Tweedly’s buzzer] sounds repeatedly, as if to cover up many swear words, Brooklyn mentioned)

2 L.CREW: (during the buzzing, he suddenly says:) Boysenberry pie!

STAN: Somehow, I’m really glad I couldn’t understand any of that. Okay, next we have Old Dirty Bastard.

[SFX: Tweedly’s buzzer sounds]

STAN: ELDERLY Dirty Bastard. Is he here?

FLAVOR: He’s passed out on the floor, G.

STAN: All right, never mind then, moving on, uh, it’s time to get the Beastie Boys! Kick it!

(beat switches to the Beastie Boys)

(THE BEASTIE BOYS rap jibberish, all three mention Brooklyn)

STAN: All right! Now, cue the product placement, Run DMC!

(beat switches to Run DMC)

RUN DMC: We’re down with Chun King! STAN: Noodles.

RUN DMC: Down with Chun King! STAN: Noodles.

RUN DMC: Down with Chun King! STAN: Noodles.

RUN DMC: Down with Chun King! STAN: Noodles.

STAN: Perfect! Okay, now it’s Cypress Hill. Hey B. Real, let’s go go go!

(beat switches to Cypress Hill)

(CYPRESS HILL (B REAL) raps jibberish, Brooklyn mentioned)

FLAVOR: Yo! I get it! Pete Pumas! A whole lotta pumps! Ach ach ach!

STAN: Look, laughing boy, you wanna try and control yourself?

FLAVOR: I just figured out that joke, G!

(beat stops)

DJ B-MAY: What a drag.

STAN: What’s the matter?

DJ B-MAY: Flavor Flav’s voice, man. It’s too piercing.

STAN: Too piercing? Do you have sensitive ears?

DJ B-MAY: No, he’s just annoying, man! Would he mind leaving the room?

STAN: Hmm, I know. Hey Flavor? There’s some people from that new Cable Channel, Video-Hits-One, out in the lobby. They want to talk to you about giving you your own TV show.

FLAVOR: I’m all about that, you know what I’m sayin’, G?

[SFX: we hear Flavor walk to the door and go through it]

FLAVOR: (from behind the door:) Yeah boyee!… There’s no one out here, man.

[SFX: we hear Flavor trying to open the locked door]

FLAVOR: (from behind the door:) Yo, I locked myself out, G!

DJ B-MAY: Crazy.

STAN: All right, back to the track. Next up is Snoopy Doggy Dogg, so step out of that cloud of smoke and get on the mic, you’re up!

(beat switches to Snoop Doggy Dogg)

(SNOOP DOGGY DOGG raps jibberish, mentions ‘Brizzooklyn’, and the LBC)

STAN: I’m hip!

SNOOP: Yea-eah!

STAN: All right, up next, speaking of onomatopoeia, let’s have come ‘Crunk’ from Lil Jon!

(beat switches to Lil Jon)

(LIL JON raps jibberish, mentions Brooklyn)

STAN: That’s good, that’s good, that’s close enough for crunk. Up next, we have Busta Rhymes. Has anyone seen Busta Rhymes? Is he here?

BUSTA: WOOOOOOOOO-HAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

(STAN & DJ B-MAY make startled reaction sounds)

BUSTA: Don’t let me startle you, I’m just doing a little ‘woo-hah’ here to kinda kick things off, know what I mean?

DJ B-MAY: Man, will you get out my lap?

STAN: Sorry. You scared me, Busta, don’t do that.

DJ B-MAY: You bent my record needles, man.

STAN: All right, let’s just get going. Busta, gimmie some more mumbling.

(beat switches to Busta Rhymes)

(BUSTA RHYMES raps jibberish, mentions Brooklyn, at one point slips in "John John John, Marsha Marsha Marsha.")

BUSTA: (during the mumbling, he suddenly says:) FLIPMODE!

[SFX: Stan blows his whistle]

STAN: Okay smart alec, I know your type. You’re a troublemaker. We’re rapping "Sh-boom", right?

BUSTA: Right.

STAN: Then how come I can understand you?

BUSTA: Well you see, if I’m gonna be the greatest myself, I gotta switch it on ‘em. Flipmode! Flipmode is the greatest!

STAN: What’s a matter man, don’t you dig gibberish?

BUSTA: Well, sure but…

STAN: …Happens again, I’ll take you out back and stomp a mud hole in your ass!

(beat switches to Sh-Boom beat & bassline)

STAN: Okay you guys, big finish now, eh? On your mark, get set, mu-

[SFX: Window crash]

FLAVOR: I bust’ through the window! Ahh ach ach ach! Yo’ man! Buff Love, lay some of that beat box on me man!

(FAT BOYS’ BUFF LOVE starts Human Beat Boxing, Flavor Flav starts col’ lampin’)

FLAVOR: Flavor Flav is back upon the scene, tellin y’all to turn off the bubble machine! No digital watch, around my neck, I’m clockin’ G, it’s leftover from the previous technology! Parenthesis, see "Col’ Lampin’" close parenthesis! Y’all ain’t never heard rap dementia like this! I got my body jerkin’, the FuMP is workin’,-

(Flavor’s lampin’ combined with Buff Love’s Human Beat Boxing, makes Stan snap)

STAN: Flavor! Flavor! FLAVOR! FLAVOR!! FLAVOR!!! FLAAAA-VOOOR!!!! Stop it! Stop it, I say! Stop it! That does it! I’m getting outta here!

[SFX: Door slams, all other audio stops]

STAN: He ruined the ending! One of the loveliest parts of the whole -

[SFX: Door opens]

(Loud FAT BOYS Human Beat Box sting for one measure)

[SFX: Door slams]

DJ B-MAY: Peace!

[SOUND BITE: "The whole pie-ece" – DJ scratches during the "piece"]

FLAVOR: Yeeeeeah boyeeeee!!!
Track Name: the great Luke Ski & MC Lars - Dementia Revolution
Dementia Revolution
An original rap song by the great Luke Ski and MC Lars,
about the history of comedy music, and the current
underground nerdcore rap & dementia music scenes.
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski & MC Lars
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski & Lars Horris
(4 measure intro)
Verse 1:
MC LARS: Every generation's pop-culture defined,
LUKE SKI: And the audio they heard is what stuck in their mind.
MC LARS: Back in the old days, you'd hear the comedy tones
LUKE SKI: Of Stan Freberg,
MC LARS: Tom Lehrer,
LUKE SKI: Allan Sherman,
MC LARS: Spike Jones.
LUKE SKI: On your FM dial, a Flying Saucer attack
MC LARS: By a Purple People Eater and a Yakety Yak.
LUKE SKI: A Witch Doctor threw a Monster Mash every day.
MC LARS: So many novelty tunes, they'd come and take you away!
(LUKE SKI: (under last line:) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HAAAA!!!)
Chorus 1:
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Devo Spice: I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
Verse 2:
MC LARS: In 1970, the radio, saw the birth of
LUKE SKI: "The Dr. Demento Show"!
MC LARS: Monty Python didn't care that Rocky Horror was gay,
LUKE SKI: Because he was a lumberjack, and he was okay.
MC LARS: Star Trekkin' with some Tribbles? Nope they ain't got none,
LUKE SKI: Cause they're really dead puppies, and they aren't much fun.
MC LARS: I saw streakin' Ray Stevens,
LUKE SKI: Showin' off his bum?!
MC LARS: More disgusting than fish heads!
LUKE SKI: Eat 'em up, yum!
MC LARS: When "Weird Al" Yankovic did his thing,
LUKE SKI: He became the all-time pop comedy king!
MC LARS: With parodies of Michael Jackson,
LUKE SKI: Queen, Madonna,
MC LARS: The Police, Cyndi Lauper,
LUKE SKI: REM, and Nirvana.
MC LARS: Julie Brown wasn't blonde, she had hair of red.
LUKE SKI: Made my heart beat harder than a boot to the head!
MC LARS: It was a golden age, and everyone had a ball!
LUKE SKI: Until grunge came along and had to ruin it all.
Chorus 2:
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Bud Sharpe: I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
Verse 3:
MC LARS: Depression rock, like a cancerous tumor,
LUKE SKI: Killed all radio's sense of humor.
MC LARS: With FCC deregulations,
LUKE SKI: Soon corporations owned all the stations.
MC LARS: No more novelty tunes to be heard by you folks,
LUKE SKI: 'Cept Jeff Foxworthy tellin' Redneck jokes.
MC LARS: Or Adam Sandler listing off the whos-whos
LUKE SKI: in a holiday list of celebrity jews.
MC LARS: But Dr. D was still rockin' his stacks,
And playing new independent comedy acts.
LUKE SKI: Like the Four Postmen,
MC LARS: and the Arrogant Worms, Power Salad,
LUKE SKI: Sudden Death, and Throwing Toasters.
MC LARS: Then the great Luke Ski…
LUKE SKI: Hey, that's me!
MC LARS: Realized sci-fi cons were the place to be,
Cause the fans of funny filk would frequently rock
LUKE SKI: To the songs of Tom Smith and Ookla The Mok!
Chorus 3:
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Chris Waffle: I've joined the "Dementia Revolution?")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
Verse 4:
LUKE SKI: Lars, what's "nerdcore?"
MC LARS: I'm glad you asked! A hip-hop revolution happening fast!
LUKE SKI: A comedy rap type fusion thing?
MC LARS: A genre for nerds who can't really sing.
Part KRS-One, and part Chuck D,
LUKE SKI: Ah, part Rakim, and part Eric B?
MC LARS: Check MC Frontalot and mc chris,
LUKE SKI: Optimus Rhyme on the nerd-rap list!
MC LARS: MC Paul Barman, Beefy, YTCracker,
LUKE SKI: Dare to Stupid and bring some laughter!
MC LARS: Hip-hop's not dead, it's just too serious,
The underground's growing, and the labels are fearing this.
LUKE SKI: Novelty rap?!
MC LARS: Well maybe so, then why are all these kids here at our show?
LUKE SKI: Uh, love and theft?
MC LARS: Stealing like a Hobbit!
LUKE SKI: Ha! You can't stop it!
MC LARS: That's the hot topic!
LUKE SKI: Yeah!
Chorus 4:
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
(Members of the Consortium Of Genius speak over Chorus 4:
Dr. Pinkerton: Are you ready?! Are you ready?!
Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?!
Drumbot: Well I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!"
Dr. Pinkerton: Drumbot! I didn't authorize you to enlist in this Revolution!
Drumbot: Hey relax Dr. Pinkerton, everyone's doing it!)
Verse 5:
LUKE SKI: Now we're all online, like an internet borg,
MC LARS: Streaming shows from Dementia Radio Dot Org
LUKE SKI: And the FuMP Dot Com, where it won't take long, for all you guys to
MC LARS: "Download This Song!"
LUKE SKI: Started by Rob Balder, the webcomics geek,
MC LARS: Like Jonathan Coulton with his Thing-A-Week.
LUKE SKI: Subscribe to PodCasts, cause they're all the bomb.
MC LARS: And of course there's
BOTH: Dr. Demento Dot Com!
LUKE SKI: Playin' Possible Oscar and Worm Quartet,
MC LARS: Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" was his biggest hit yet.
LUKE SKI: JB and KG of Tenacious D,
MC LARS: Want to pick the music of your destiny!
LUKE SKI: So if the Emo Krunk Idol rock on MTV
MC LARS: Makes you yearn for a different kind of MP3
LUKE SKI: Something out of the norm, let us make a suggestion,
MC LARS: By asking you the following question,
LUKE SKI: Are you?! -
MC LARS: Sick and tired of the music they play?
LUKE SKI: On the TV and the radio, every single day?
MC LARS: All that corporate schlock trying to make you a clone?
LUKE SKI: When all you want is funny music you can call your own?
MC LARS: All the stand-up and skits,
LUKE SKI: Parodies by the best?
MC LARS: Maximum hilarity,
LUKE SKI: All right at your request?
MC LARS: Does that fit you to a tee?
LUKE SKI: I got a question for you.
BOTH: Are you ready for your dream come true?
LUKE SKI: ARE YOU?!
Chorus 5, 6, & 7:
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Carrie Dahlby: I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Luke Ski: I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! ('Gilbert': I've joined the "Dementia Revolution!")
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! Ready for the Dementia Revolution?!
Are you ready?! Are you ready?! (Power Salad: You've joined the Dementia Revolution!")
(Under the final 2 choruses, Luke and Lars shout the names of other dementia & nerdcore acts and such:
Raymond & Scum, Ween, Hot Waffles, Carrie Dahlby, The Gothsicles,
Wesley Willis, Paul & Storm…
Richard Cheese, King Missle, Rob Paravonian, Logan Whitehurst, Lemon Demon,
Atom And His Package, The Radio Adventures Of Dr. Floyd…
Carla Ulbrich, K.Flay, Larry Weaver, Robert Lund, Art Paul Schlosser,
Manic Mondays, Hard Knocks, Dave's Fun Stuff Dot Com…
Whimsical Will, Commodore 64, Steve Goodie, The Consortium Of Genius, Seamonkey,
Holdin' It Down, Eric Coleman, DJ Particle.)
Track Name: the great Luke Ski & Wyngarde - What's Up With That?!
What's Up With That?!
A style-parody of "I Can't Get Behind That" by William Shatner & Henry Rollins
Written & Performed by Wyngarde & the great Luke Ski
Idea by Earl Luckes. © 2007 Earl Luckes & Luke Sienkowski
WYNGARDE: Hey! I've got something to say!
LUKE: What's that?
(drum kicks in, guitar follows suit)
WYNGARDE: If Tim Burton is so original and so independent, why does he do nothing but big
budget movies with the major studios based on existing franchises?
LUKE: Hey! I didn't think of that before! What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: I don’t know!
LUKE: Or how about, you pay extra for caller ID, and when people call, the message reads
"Unknown caller"?
WYNGARDE: (pinching his nose as if a phone operator:) What is up with that?
LUKE: Who was that?
WYNGARDE: We've got an endless parade of classic rock cover bands.
LUKE: How come there are no classic rap cover bands? What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: Word.
LUKE: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
WYNGARDE: Hey hey, what's up with that?
LUKE: Dude, you're lost.
WYNGARDE: Oh, damn you, J.J. Abrams!
LUKE: How come there aren't vending machines with cans of milk? What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: Well, it would get warm and turn into cottage cheese in a can. Not only is that
gross, but that’s what's up with that!
LUKE: Well, fine, okay, well then, why is it when I go to a fast food restaurant, the
burger and soda cost more than the combo with fries? What if I want to save money,
but I don't want fries? Why am I getting unnecessary potatoes forced upon me? Does
the Idaho Mafia have Ronald McDonald tied up in a Boise warehouse somewhere?
What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: Awww, sounds like somebody needs a happy meal...
LUKE: Yeah...I do...but it comes with the fries!
BOTH: THE FRIES!!!
WYNGARDE: People are still doing Jerry Seinfeld impressions.
LUKE: (as Seinfeld:) What is the deal with that? I mean, hey! Who are these people?
WYNGARDE: Well, it's less obscure than Gilbert Gottfried I guess.
LUKE: Yuppies buy their daughters American Girl dolls at two hundred bucks a pop.
WYNGARDE: Not including the dozens of different outfits sold separately at the price of
real clothing.
LUKE: But if I collect six dollar action figures bought at Target, that makes me some
kind of freak.
WYNGARDE: Yo Joe! What is up with that? Oh, and speaking of Hasbro, if the live action
Transformers movie made you sick, just go to YouTube and do a search for Spielbay!
LUKE: Dude, did you just plug your videos in this song?
WYNGARDE: Ha ha, just call it my own personal Luke Ski moment!
LUKE: Uuuggh!!! What is up with that, Wyngarde?!
WYNGARDE: This endless parade of re-made/re-imagined movies needs to be obliterated! I will
not stop until I have Michael’s Bay head on a- severed head on a post- on a pike
in my front yard! That is what is up with that, and it’s in your face! And you
better just look the- Hell out, man! Aah!
(drums & guitar change to a slower serious groove)
WYNGARDE: But let us get serious for just one moment!
LUKE: Thousands of people are dying on both sides of the Iraq war!
WYNGARDE: While Washington is giving themselves raises!
LUKE: Taxes are too high, Education's too low!
WYNGARDE: Crime and drugs are killing this country!
LUKE: All these things are happening!
WYNGARDE: And it's not out in the mainstream!
LUKE: Buuuuuuut-
(serious groove transitions back to the previous groove)
LUKE: -Every time Paris Hilton gets a parking ticket, it's headline news!
WYNGARDE: (mock crying as Paris:) Oh my God, like, boo-hoo! I was, like, in jail for, like,
five minutes! And like, the trauma has left me unable to, like, you know, enjoy
my breakfast! That's, like, you know, why I won't eat, like, my breakfast!
LUKE: What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: She's creepy looking, that's what! All right, let's kick it!
WYNGARDE: Reality shows!
BOTH: What's up with that?
LUKE: Kevin Bacon!
BOTH: What's up with him?
WYNGARDE: Diet Jolt soda.
BOTH: What's the point of that?
LUKE: Wait, did you say "Let's kick it" back there?
WYNGARDE: Yeah.
LUKE: (scoff) What's up with that?
(drums and music stops)
JARED: Oh yeah, here we go.
(drums and music return)
LUKE: Get Ben Folds to produce a track,
WYNGARDE: By William Shatner,
LUKE: And Henry Rollins,
WYNGARDE: With guest guitarist Adrien Belew and a, and a drummer?
(music stops)
BOTH: I *CAN* GET BEHIND THAT!
(music continues)
WYNGARDE: But George Lucas altering "Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope" once a year because
he can't figure out his own movies? Doing stuff like...
LUKE: ...Having GREEDO SHOOT FIRST?!
BOTH: WHAT THE F-[bleep!] IS UP WITH THAT?!
WYNGARDE: "Megaforce" is not out on DVD. What's up with that?
LUKE: It's more like, bass-playing robots who are far too obsessed with old TV shows and
movies that nobody else remembers. What's up with that?
WYNGARDE: Oh ho ho ho, well how about people satirizing popular music to make silly little
sci-fi and pop-culture parody songs?
LUKE: Hey, there's nothing wrong nor up with that, my GOBOT friend!
WYNARDE: HEY! You wanna go?! C'mon, right now!
LUKE: Yeah, I do! C’mon!
WYNGARDE: Brian Synger making "Superman Returns" ruined X-Men 3.
LUKE: No Brett Ratner did.
WYNGARDE: Brian Synger.
LUKE: Brett Ratner.
WYNGARDE: Brian Synger!
LUKE: Brett Ratner!
WYNGARDE: BRIAN "I Hate Superman" SYNGER!
LUKE: BRETT "I Ruined X-Men" RATNER!
WYNGARDE: BRIAN SYNGER!!! YOU, GOD, AAAH!! MY OIL PRESSURE!!!
LUKE: Man, what's up with that?
WYNGARDE: Bring it home, Luke Ski!
LUKE: Baby Boomer mundane morning zoo disc jockeys, still making jokes about how "white
people can't rap?" Ha ha ha ha!
WYNGARDE: Oh, ho ho ho… It's the 21st century, you closed minded-fossils!
LUKE: ICP, 3rd Bass, Kid Rock, the Beastie Boys, and Eminem just called!
WYNGARDE: They're all going over to your houses!
LUKE: And they're going to break all your Elvis Presley records, you dumb fat ignorant
hypocrites!
BOTH: And THAT is what is up with THAT!!!
(drums and guitar stop)
WYNGARDE: WHAT IS UP WITH DAVID HASSLEHOFF?!?!?!
LUKE: I know! Gimmie another!
WYNGARDE: No, I'm done with that.
LUKE: What, hey, hey!… HEY!… WYNGARDE!… YOU BASTARD!…
Cathy, why won’t you eat breakfast?
WYNGARDE: Hey, that’s my song!
LUKE: I liked that one.
JARED: That was… decent, yeah.
Track Name: the great Luke Ski, featuring Carrie Dahlby - One Night In Quark's Bar
One Night In Quark’s Bar
A parody of “One Night In Bangkok” by Murray Head, about the character Quark and his bar on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2006 Luke Sienkowski


(“Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” Theme intro)

QUARK:
Terok Nor was the station,
‘Til the Bajorans won and called the Federation.
Now pajama-clad Terrans run fluent on a show
With everything but Patrick Stewart.

I tell you all these bald-headed hu-mons look the same to me.

Deep Space Nine. Hard to make a living
Since the Cardassians split, it’s effected my grifting.
Starfleet’s watching, all I can do
Is hike up the prices at my cantina venue.

Now there’s Hu-mons, and the Klingons, and Romulans, all drinking at my place! Cha-ching!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and your credit’s platinum.
This bar’s a temple of the Ferengi.
They’ll free your wallet of your gold pressed latinum.
The Dabo wheel is open, first spin’s free.
I can feel a changeling sliding up to me.

QUARK:
Odo’s really not my buddy.
The security chief made out of silly putty.

STAFF:
He’s a chair, he’s a glass, he’s an action figure doll.
Just once why can’t he be, the dartboard on the wall?

ODO: Quark!

QUARK:
Whaddya mean? I got those scripts from J. Michael Strazinsky’s trash legally!

STAFF:
Dabo girls, like to flirt.
Serving synth-ohol up, while you’re losing your red shirt.

RED SHIRT:
Gah!

QUARK:
Many say I remind them of the guy
Who’s the Principal down at Sunnydale High.

You kids better mind your manners! Don’t make me get any snider than I already am! Order up! Hey! Who ordered the steak?!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and you will not quibble.
Our holosuites chock with debauchery.
You’ll multiply just like a well-fed tribble,
Unless your race does it asexually.
In that case, it will cost you an extra fee.
(Bridge: Quark tells jokes while the customers listen and react.)

QUARK:
Hey everybody!

(customers stop murmuring and listen)

QUARK:
What piece of Starfleet equipment only costs 75 cents?
A Tri-Quarter!

(customers laugh)

QUARK:
What do you call a Cardassian officer going around in circles?
Gul Dusac!

(customers laugh)

QUARK:
Who’s the funniest person in the Ferengi Military?
Damon Wayans! …Ah ha ha!

(customers laugh, and go back to murmuring)

(back to the song)

QUARK:
I am never too selective
When cadet’s gone wild, party’s their Prime Directive.
Hu-mons drinking Cabo Wabo,
Droppin' credits at the wheel, hoping to shout:

STAFF: “DABO!”

QUARK:
Thank God I’m only watching the game, controlling it.

ODO: What was that?!

QUARK: Nothing! More synthale, Constable?

I don’t see you outfoxing
The Vulcan girls who do my oomoxing.
Borg chicks are hot, you wish they’d date you,
But the queens they use would assimilate you.

So you better go back to your conventions, your autographs, your special edition collector DVD box sets!

STAFF:
One night in Quark’s bar and the woes that plague us
Will disappear fast as warp factor three.
Each customer is treated like the Nagus,
That is until they run out of money.
You’ll be washing dishes like your old Moogy.

One night in Quark’s bar like a pa-wraith specter,
You’ll leave depraved and broke, but so happy.
Hopefully Armin will be the director
Of some Ferengi “Deep Space Nine” movie.
Until then watch reruns now on Spike TV.
Track Name: It Takes Who
It Takes Who
A parody of "It Takes Two" by Rob Base an DJ EZ Rock,
About the new seasons of "Doctor Who" made in 2005-2006
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke C. Sienkowski
(intro music with Doctor Who theme mixed in)
Right about now…
You're about to hear the tales of…
The companion Rose Tyler…
And her adventures with the Doctor!
[Hit it!]
(beat kicks in, with [Jack: "Yes!"], [Rose: "Woo!"], samples)
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight! [Hit it!]
I am the Doc right now.
[Rose: "Doctor Who?"] Exactly! I get down!
I am intergalacticly known
From my home, on back to ancient Rome,
To Alpha Centauri, then back to Cardiff.
Come along with me, inside the TARDIS
Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.
I'll take a Dalek, and put him in his place.
I am the Time Wars' last survivor
With my psychic paper and sonic screwdriver.
See deep space, the future and past,
Other dimensions, it's a blast!
It's fantastic!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight! [Hit it!]
I am the Doctor, got a real hottie sidekick.
Rose Tyler, a smart and sassy Brit chick.
Use her pouty lips, to make snarky quips.
We hit London, and eat some fish and chips.
Skinned Cassandra Obrien, she liked fame.
She was the culprit, but also she was framed.
Zipperhead Slitheen, those villians
Are Raxacoricofallapatorians!
So when they dealt it, Harriet smelt it.
I lit a match and blew them up like the Gelth did.
My Blue Box, is fab mod hip gear.
Retro rocket, that's known to just disappear.
It's high-tech, forget about Star Trek.
More square footage than Picard's stupid Holodeck.
We'll explode Mighty Jagrafess Ho-
-ly Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight! [Hit it!]
The situation that this spacer's in:
When faced with death I undergo regeneration.
When I wake up I feel and look like a new man.
How many times have I done it? Say, nine or ten.
Rose is the Bad Wolf, she saw the time vortex.
Captain Harkness is always wantin' more sex.
A quick snog, Jackie offers egg nog.
Mickey the idiot will say he's not the tin dog.
Speaking of which, I'll visit Sara Jane Smith.
K-9 will live, and speak! [K-9: "Affirmative!"]
I fight the Wire, the Ood, the Beast,
I stopped the Empress of the Racnoss' feast.
I am a Timelord, but right now since I'm bored,
Check out these lyrics and call me the rhyme lord!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
It takes Who to make a thing go right! (Dalek's speak over second half of chorus)
It takes Who to make it out of sight! [Hit it!]
Dalek 1: THIS AUDIO TRANSMISSION INSUFFICIENTLY MENTIONS THE DALEKS!
Dalek 2: YOU WILL DISCUSS DALEK SUPREMICY!
Dalek 1: YOU MUST OBEY!
Dalek 2: OBEY!
Dalek 1: DALEKS REPRESENT!… REPRESENT!…
Dalek 2: REPRESENT!… REPRESENT!…
At Torchwood in Canary Wharf
They might know the location of Red Dwarf.
Protect the British Empire.
Saw the Sycorax, they aimed and fired.
They do things, that make me annoyed a bit.
They found a void ship, a spheroid rip
In, our dimension, when [Cybermen: "Delete!"]
All the ghosts are Cybermen!
Parallel Earth, Lumic knew how.
Phone Ear Buds, [Devo Spice: "SO CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!"]
Too late, zombie brigade,
Chop out your brain, get an upgrade!
Daleks in the sphere, now they're here, run in fear!
The limey fanboys waited for years
To see this showdown! Was this fate, mate?
Will they delete, or [Dalek: "Exterminate!"]
Wait! Before it's too late!
Let's cancel this de-bate! Great!
Into the rift, Daleks and Cybermen, their defeat swirled.
Rose almost fell, but now she's safe in Pete's world.
Said goodbye, faded away and cried.
Suddenly there was a runaway bride?
What happens next, hey don't ask me.
Cause it's all up to the B B C!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
It takes Who to make a thing go right!
It takes Who to make it out of sight!
Dalek 1: WHEN I COUNT TO THREE, I ORDER YOU TO GET BUSY NOW!
ONE, TWO, THREE, DALEKS-
[Samples: Exterminate!
Ex-Ex-Exterminate!
Ex-Ex-Exterminate!
Exterminate! Exterminate!
Moist-Moist-Moist-Moisturize me!
Moist-Moist-Moist-Moisturize me!
Are-Are-Are you my Mummy? Are you my Mummy?
Muum-myy!
Fan-Fan-Fantastic!
Fan-Fan-Fantastic!
Fan-Fan-Fantastic!
Have-Have-Have-Have a fantastic life.]
(fade out)
Track Name: It's A Fanboy Christmas 2: The Wrath Of Claus
It’s A Fanboy Christmas II: The Wrath Of Claus
A medley of mini parodies of Christmas songs about fannish topics.

Written by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski

(SFX: Jingle bells)
Santa: (laughing:) Ho Ho Ho! Oh, ho ho ho ho! (etc.)
(V For Venison – a spoken piece based on “V For Vendetta”)
(spoken: V:)

Remember, remember, the 25th of December,
The reindeer and Rudolph and plot.
I see no reason the holiday season
Should ever be forgot…

…Fantastic fen, file in fast for this fanciful frolicking through fandom’s fabulous frivolities of festive times of the fantastic future! While first and foremost a fallacy, fear not as this farcical fop felicitates to you, “It’s A Fanboy Christmas II: The Wrath Of Claus”! Ho ho ho hooo!!!!

(music starts, same as intro to IAFX, leading into standard chorus from IAFX)
(Classic IAFX Chorus to start things off)

It’s A Fanboy Christmas, through Narnia’s grand canyons.
The Doctor and Mal Reynolds, are snuggling their companions.
And who’s that dressed as Santa? It’s merry Mr. Worf. (Worf: Ho ho!)
But he don’t need no elves in green, ‘cause he’s got a Red Dwarf. (Lister: Have some smeg nog!)

(intro music begins for “Darth Vader’s My Dad”, mini-skit is heard over it)
(MINI-SKIT – Anakin, the Red-Sabred Jedi)

Palpatine: Anakin, with your sabre so red, won’t you make the younglings dead?

(Darth Vader’s My Dad - to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”)

Darth Vader’s my Dad… Darth Vader’s my Dad…
Darth Vader’s my Dad, he told me after he chopped off my hand.
The Emp’ror’s comrade… Evil? Just a tad…
In black he is clad, like he’s in some sci-fi heavy metal band.
Why does he fulfil every scary Sith wish?
Why can’t he cool out with some dairy in Swiss Miss?
And now the rebels, they are very pissed, this
Station will get blown apart!

(Winter Wonder Woman - to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Snow falls down, on Metropolis.
Who’s that girl, almost topless?
Fighting for your rights, in her satin tights,
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.
She’ll lasso, get the truth, or
Smack around, Mister Luthor.
No pajamas on, this hot amazon,
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.

See her showing off her bod, so curvy,
In her starry spangled underwear.
You might think that makes me kind of pervy,
But frankly I don’t really frickin’ care.

Later on, if my plan’s good,
She’ll see my Super-man-hood.
It’s her I’ll intrigue, ‘cause I’m in her league.
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.

(MINI-SKIT - The Frosty Horror Picture Show)

Dr. Frank N. Furter: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator! And step up the reactor power input three more points!
(SFX: RHPS Gitaur hook and thunder clap)
Frosty: Happy birthday!
Dr. Frank N. Furter: Oh, Frosty!

(Frodo The Hobbit - to the tune of “Frosty The Snowman”)

Frodo the Hobbit, was along way from the Shire,
Dodging orcs and crooks through a couple books,
Just to get to Mordor’s fire.
Frodo The Hobbit, was accompanied by Sam.
Helping Frodo out, he was short and stout,
Like a big ol’ Christmas ham.
There must have been some magic in that one ring Bilbo found.
For when Frodo held it up high, Gollum Knocked him to the ground!
(spoken: Gollum: The precious! Frodo: Aah! My hand!)
Frodo the Hobbit, is alive and doing fine.
Off in magic lands, using both his hands,
Just so he can count to nine.

(I Want A Classic Optimus For Christmas - to the tune of “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”)

I want a classic Optimus for Chirstmas.
Only that mighty autobot will do.
The big trailer truck, with cool accessories,
Not the robo-monkey flinging energon feces.
I want a classic Optimus for Christmas.
Not the one from Generation Two.
The one from the cartoon, that always saved the day,
Not the T-2 rip-off courtesy of Michael Bay,
Because we all agree he’s really gay!

(MINI-SKIT – It’s A Wonderful Curse)
(SFX: Bell ringing)
Little Girl: Do you hear that daddy? Every time a bell rings, an “Angel” rerun is shown on TNT!

(Simon And River Are Wanted Hoods - to the tune of “Over The River And Through The Woods”)

Simon and River are wanted hoods, on a Firefly ship they go, whee!
With Inara the hooker, and old Shpeherd Book, they are talking their orders from Zoe.
Simon and River help smuggle goods, like medicine, food, and more.
Wash said as he grinned, “I’m a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar!”

(Ruttin’ For Christmas - to the tune of “Nuttin’ For Christmas”)

I painted Mal’s brown coat turquoise. Somebody snitched on me.
Did naughty things with Wash’s toys. Somebody snitched on me.
‘Cause of River’s psychic power, Mal found out I spent an hour,
Spyin’ on Kaylee in the shower, Somebody snitched on me.

So, I’m getting ruttin’ SQUAT for Christmas.
Mal and Inara are mad. Gorram it!
I’m getting’ ruttin’ SQUAT for Christmas.
‘Cause Jayne here ain’t nothin’ but bad!

(MINI-SKIT – Twas The Jayne Before Christmas)

Wash: Cheer up, Jayne! Here, have a holiday treat!
Jayne: Fruitcake Oaty Bars?
Wash: Yeah! They make a man out any creature that’s stirring, even a mouse!
Jayne: Shiny!

(O Silly Knight - to the tune of “O Holy Night”)

(King Arthur:)
O silly knight,
Give entrance to this castle,
I seek the Grail,
And any other sacred trinkets.

(French Taunter:)
O Arthur King,
I fart in your direction,
Now go away,
Before I taunt your silly English Ka-nig-its!

(SFX: Cow Catapult)
(spoken: King Arthur & Knights: Run away! Run away!)

(The First, Joel - to the tune of “The First Noel”)

On the Satellite of Love, far above Deep 13,
Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo mock schlock on the screen.
During a holiday break from Doc Forrester’s worst,
Got a visit from the guy who was up there first.
Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el.
Is he conscious or sleeping, it’s so hard to tell.
Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el.
Far superior to Swayze or Kim Catrell.

(MINI-SKIT – A Pirate Carol)

Scrooge: You there, young lad, what day is it?
Cap’n Tom Smith: Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Pirates: ARRRR!!! (general pirate camaraderie noises)
(music for “Here We Go A Plundering” kicks off)
Scrooge: Then I haven’t missed it, ya mangy bilge rats! Kungaloosh!

(Here We Go A Plundering - to the tune of “Here We Go A Wassailing”)

Here we go a plundering the coast on Christmas Day,
Here we go a plundering the Caribbean way.
When you’re with Captain Jack,
You’re like Santa with his sack,
‘Cept you’re taking all the presents, food, and rum, and every wench,
like a sexy, savvy, pirate Mr. Grinch! Yo-Ho Ho Ho!

(Sylar Claus Is Coming To Town - to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

You better watch out, and stay on your toes,
If you got strange powers just like ‘Heroes’,
Sylar Claus is coming to town.
With Mohinder’s list of genetic freaks,
He’ll haxxor their brains like internet geeks.
Sylar Claus is coming to town.
If Isaac paints the future, in comic books for free,
Why doesn’t Hiro just stop time, and go hang out with Stan Lee?
They’re saving the world, on N B C,
So please won’t you save the cheerleader for me?
Sylar Claus is coming to town!

(MINI-SKIT – It’s A Wonderful Leap)

Jimmy Stuart: Life just sucks. I’m gonna kill myself by taking a Quantum Leap off of this bridge.
(SFX: Quantum Leap body-inhabiting sound)
Jimmy Stuart: What in blazes?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, where am I? When am I? Who am I?
(SFX: Ziggy sound effects)
Al: According to Ziggy, there’s a 93.27% chance your name is Clarence, and you’re an angel-in-training sent here to keep Jimmy Stuart from killing himself.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Sir, don’t you see it’s a wonderful life? I’ll jump off this bridge myself to prevent you from doing it! What do you say?
Jimmy Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m on the bridge with Captain Archer! Can I have your autograph?

(You’re A Weird One, Doctor Phlox - to the tune of “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”)

You’re a weird one, Doctor Phlox.
Your character’s a crock!
You’re just a cross between Neelix and the Holographic Doc,
Doctor Phlo-ox!…
(spoken:) Your premise is so derivitively illogical that you got…
…bitch-slapped by Spock!

(Spoo Christmas - to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

Londo: I’ll have a Spoo Christmas, without you…
Vir: Mister Mollari!
Londo: Quiet Vir! I’m singing!
I’ll have a Spoo Christmas, without you…
Vir: What does any of that mean?
Londo: Nothing, but how else were we going to work “Babylon 5” into this bit?
Decorations of, purple! On a green Christmas tree…
Drazi: Purple! Green!
Londo: It won’t be the same, Vir,
If you don’t partake in little blue balls of meat!
Vir: Do the Vorlons celeberate Christmas?
Londo: No, I think they’re Jewish, they all seem a bit KOSH-er! Ah ha ha!
Kosh: Ugh, lousy pun.

(Exterminate – to the tune of “Gloria”)
(All vocalists are ring-modulated Daleks:)

E-e-e-e-e-e-exterminate!
Daleks hunt the Doctor!
E-e-e-e-e-e-exterminate!
With our deadly toilet plunger!

(MINI-SKIT – A Cthulu Story)

Cthulu: I, Cthulu, the great old one, has returned to destroy humanity!
Kid 1: Hey Cthulu! I dare you to stick your tentacles on this frozen flagpole!
Cthulu: Spare me your childish jibes, for soon I will devour the flesh of the innocents!
Kid 1: I triple dog dare you!
Other kids: Oooooh!!!
Cthulu: Very well…
(SFX: splotch!)
Cthulu: (muffled:) There, you see- Stuck? I’m stuck! Help! I’m stuck to the flagpole! Get me off of this thing! Raphie! Ralphie! C’mon Ralphie! Help me get off of this thing! I’ll get you that rifle you want! I’ll eat your neighbor’s dogs!
Other kids: (laughing)
Kid 1: Good luck devouring the world, squid-face!

(Have Yourself A Merri Fanboy Christmas - to the tune of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)

Have yourself a Merri and Pippin Christmas,
Halflings full of mead.
Second-breakfast presents, mistletoe pipeweed… (spoken: But seriously folks…)
Have yourself a very Fanboy Christmas,
Every single day.
That next big convention isn’t far away…
Every trooper and Starfleet dude, eating Consuite food, and beer.
Doing things we ain’t speakin’ of, every weekend of the year.
Through the years, we’ve all become a family, so let’s make this vow.
Spread all the love, peace, and happiness you can endow.
And have yourself a Merry Fanboy Christmas, now.

(music changes to piano and tempo increase outro, just like IAFX, with these bit spoken over them)
(Twas The Before Fish-mas – a spoken piece based on “Twas The Night Before Christmas”)

And I heard them exclaim this last holiday wish;
“To all humans, so long, and thanks for all the fish!”

(MINI-SKIT – A Martian Story)

Marvin: Mr. Santa Claus! For Christmas, I would like an illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator!
Santa: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!
Track Name: My Name Is Not Merv Griffin
My Name Is Not Merv Griffin
Written by Gary Muller (1982),
Music & background vocals by Power Salad,
Lead vocals by the great Luke Ski
Now people stop me often, and ask if I'm Merv Griffin.
But I don't even know him. I've never seen his show.
Now everybody loves him. What would they do without him?
They ask me all about him, [Hey, what about Merv Griffin?] and I don't even know.
His name is not Merv Griffin, his name is not Merv Griffin,
his name is not Merv Griffin, his real name is George.
They think that they all know me. They tell me I'm their buddy.
They want to touch my body. They want to go to bed.
They give me pens and pencils. They give me candy apples.
They want to see my nipples. I wish that they were dead.
His name is not Merv Griffin, his name is not Merv Griffin,
his name is not Merv Griffin, his real name is George.
[Gilbert: (celebrity voice impersonated)]
I can't go to the bathroom without somebody peekin',
And someone's always sneakin', and things are getting worse!
People steal my undies, my jockstraps and my panties!
My Doctor takes my urine, and sells it to his nurse!
His name is not Merv Griffin, his name is not Merv Griffin,
his name is not Merv Griffin, his real name is George.
[human beat box solo]
My name is not Merv Griffin! My name is not Merv Griffin!
My name is not Merv Griffin! My real name is George!
His name is not Merv Griffin, his name is not Merv Griffin,
his name is not Merv Griffin, his real name is George.
His re-, -al, name, is, Geo-o-o-o-o-o-orge!