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by the great Luke Ski

Well, we’re the geeks of the industry. You don’t wanna mess with me, when I’m playin’ D and D, The geeks of the industry. And when you see us at your game, be prepared to flee. Well they say that nerds do it, freaks do it. (Do it.) Grab your character sheets and get to it. Got my D-twenty in my sack full of dice. I’m a miniature connoisseur for sure, so… Get all the models out of the hutch. I’ve painted so much lead, they call me the Dutch Boy. Religious groups claiming it’ll make me a witch, But, man, the worst you could say, is I’m the coven of ‘Litch’, Yes, from Origins down to GenCon, I am GAMA gamer trekkin’. You think you’re a dungeon master, ‘til I suck upon your neck. It’s Count Luke Ski, in black clothes I’m displayin’ and slayin’, But it’s more than cosplay. It’s Vampire: the Masquerade, col’ LARPin’. With a file, my faux fangs I sharpen. A physical challenge, and you think I’m paper blockin’ you. You show me scissors, but I’m rockin’ you! Cause we’re the geeks of the industry. Check out my huge power deck, when I C.C.G.! The geeks of the industry. And when you see us at your game, be prepared to flee. Say you’re gamin’. (Gamin’?) The other folks you’re playin’, Are the dorks from the towers in Wisconsin. Matt is the D.M., and Igor brought the ‘Igor bars’ in. (Mmm, yeah!) There’s Ken, and bringing up the rear… (Is who?) A short furrball named Carson. (Heeere’s Johnny!) Nuh-uh, not the Carson with the talk show career, But the Muskrat roleplaying king. Got your caffeine? (Huzzah!) A’ight, let’s convene: Your party’s on a bridge, up ahead ye see a hundred and twenty Gigantic orcs armed with machetes. Do you, ‘A’: Say ‘Hello, ain’t this a sunny day?’ (sound like a nice friendly normal voice) ‘B’: You soil your armor and you RUN AWAY! (sound like Sir Robin from MP&tHG) ‘C’: Grab a can from your Mountain Dew stash! (sound like Rob Schrab from “D&D”) Well the answer is ‘D’, (‘D’?) MASH MASH MASH! So you’re slashin’ (hackin’), total monster mashin’ (mackin’), Orc attackin’, and soon your band is back on the quest. Whoever saves the damsel she will betroth*, Suspiciously familiar, she’s just like a perky goth! But to save her you will have to face sniper sloths, A vicious troll, a winged T-Rex, vixens who will eat your soul, And a drunk vampire with a puzzle trap, and if you Don’t answer right, you’re dead. What do you do? (What?) Ken cast a spell, but it only knocked their hats off. Igor turned to Matt and said, “I kill Gandalf!” Carson just collapsed and quivered like a pup. Well here is what I did, so, yo, listen up: After I tightened up my tights, I hung a disco ball so that the lights Distracted them, I snuck right past their sights. Faced the troll, with my saving roll, he was defeated. I roasted the Pega-Saurus so I’d eat it. (Eat it!) The sirens I greeted, with my eighteen charisma they fainted, (add sound of women swooning) Then I solved the riddle of the mead-head. He said “Now pick a number from a million down to one!” I said ‘forty-two’, and he shriveled in the dawn sun. (add sound of vampire dying: Aaah! sizzle) For rescuing Gilly, she said she would thrill me. Became my bride, mission ended, me on victory’s side. And before anybody gets a chance to speak, I say, ‘Yo, don’t say nothin’, I guess I’m just a geek’! Cause we’re the geeks of the industry. John Kovali-to-the-C! Yeah, you know it, Luke Ski! The geeks of the industry. And when you see us at your game, be prepared to flee. Hot chicks in chain mail bikinis, In the hip joints, want our hit points. And we’ll ask ‘em when they face us in the Coliseum, ‘Who’s your D.M.?’ (spoken outro as song fades out)
Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand. I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me. (2 measure intro) Well my name is Wash, and as you can see, I fly this ship called ‘Serenity’. With my Hawaiian shirts and dino toys, I can’t complain. Now Captain Mal Reynolds is an honorable kid, But the strangest thing ‘tightpants’ ever did, Was hire some muscle with weapons, a man named “Jayne”. (1½ measures) Picked him up on a mission with my wife Zoe, His second in command. Why? I’ll never know, he Bribed him with a higher cut, and his own room to retain. Now with all of us, he is sailing, And at dinner he’ll embarrass our mechanic-girl Kaylee. I tell ya, life ain’t easy with a man named “Jayne”. (2 measures) Now Kaylee, she likes Simon the doctor. On the run with his sister, he acts prim and proper, Much like Anara, the companion of the sky. And while Shepherd Book preaches the ten commands, I drank a can of Blue Sun, spilled some on my hands, Which made River freak out, and none of us rightly know why. (1 measure) Now we’ve tangled with Badger, Niska, and Reavers, And all kinds of low-down dirty deceivers, Like Earley and Saffron, sent straight from ‘the special Hell’. But that day we heard a rumble that bumped. I looked out the window, and knew we were humped. ‘Twas an Alliance skyscraper spaceship citadel. (1 measure) Somehow they disabled our home-sweet-barge. They took us all nine to the men in charge. Mal quietly planned our escape; he’s a clever guy. But then this one suit insulted Jayne’s hat. ‘Twas a gift from his Mom. Well, he shouldn’t ‘a done that, Cause he said: “MY NAME IS JAYNE!… YOU DAMN MOONBRAIN!… NOW YOU GONNA DIE!” (4 measures with dialogue lines) Yeah, that’s what he told him! Well Jayne hit him hard right between the eyes. ‘Twas some thrilling heroics, but to his surprise, The thugs pinned him down in a manner unorthodox. They said “We’re not Alliance, we’re something much worse. The most feared and hated power in the whole ‘verse. We’re the execs from the television network named ‘FOX’.” (1 measure) “We need your timeslot for a show with Bill Bellamy and the chick from “Saved By The Bell”, ‘Cause fast cars and T-and-A means ratings won’t be small.” Mal said, “We got fast ships, and four hot babes! We’re big damn heroes, with a killer fan-base, And if it weren’t for us and “the Simpsons”, they wouldn’t even watch you at all!” (1½ measures with dialogue lines) Then they said, “Your program’s cancelled, so now you must go, So I can think up a cheap new reality show, Full of dumb guys and hot sluts, who for money will mate.” So we sent out our plight in a call of distress, And were joined by the earth-ship ‘Planet Express’, And Fry told us their show suffered the exact same fate. (1½ measures with dialogue lines) Yeah… So Mal and Leela planned a double-attack. We surprised the execs, sent their goons running back. Soon the Browncoats and Bender came bustin’ through the glass. We said, “This is for “Firefly” and “Futurama”!!” And we bitch-slapped him fast, ‘til he cried for his mama, And we told him, “Bite my SHINY metal ass!” (2½ measures with dialogue lines) Yeah! You’re goram right that’s what we did! We left them in the dust when we pulled our reversal, Now we got a movie over at Universal, And tons of loot from the sales of the DVD box. The lesson to be learned from all these plans, Is never underestimate the power of fans, And if I ever get another Sci-fi TV show, I think I’m gonna show it on… (spoken/shouting:) …UPN or WB! Anywhere but ‘FOX’! I still hate that network! They cancelled “Wonderfalls” too! Those ruttin’ bastards! And “Tru Calling”! And “the Tick”! And “The Lone Gunmen”! And “Dark Angel”! And “John Doe”! Hell, even “Greg The Bunny”! And for the record, I liked “Herman’s Head” too! (faded out)
(1,2,3,4) I am driving in my car! And I'm going really far! Miles and miles all through the night! But now something isn't right! I look over at my wife! She is the love of my life! She's not reading anyway! All the time she makes me say! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Now were stopping at the mall! Eighty stores, she shops them all! Boredom reigns to no avail! Because I’m a stupid male! Hours later, finally leave! Fate has something up it’s sleeve! Car’s dead in the parking lot! All because my wife forgot to Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Are you done reading your magazine? Yes. Then can you turn off the map light please? I’m looking for my cigarettes. Fine… Find them? Yes. So can you turn the map light off now? Well I’m trying to find a CD in my bag. Uhh… Get it? Yeah, here it is. Well once you put it on, turn off the map light. I need to eat my side salad. Uhhhh! I can’t eat it in the dark, I’ll get it on my blouse! Well after that can you turn off the map light please? Well after that I need to put on my make up. Aah! Why didn’t you do that before we left? Well you were in such a hurry to leave! Sigh… Well after THAT can you turn off the map light please? Well after that I want to read this article in the new issue of Cosmo called “13 subtle signs that your husband might be a nagging, neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, anal-retentive control freak.” RRRRAAAAHHHH!!!! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Turn off the God Damn Map light! MAP LIGHT! Map light! MAP LIGHT! Map light! MAP LIGHT! MAP LIGHT!!! (Map light! Map light indeed. I likey the Map Light. It’s a map, and it’s a light. It’s a purty map light!)
*Ren with voice effect: “At last I have control of your TV set!”* Stimpy: Yo, Ren! Show ‘em all how we did this, for all the Nick kids, ha ha! OOOHH JOOOYYY!!! Ren: TRACE, the fate of our show. Death Row! ‘The Big Sleep’ you know. Once again back is the incredible, Two wild animals, animatable… (Stimpy: Ren and Stim-PY!) Public Ren-emy number one! Stimpy said, (Stimpy: JOOOYYY!) and he got dumb. I’d get angry and I’d beat him ‘til his head was numb. And we’d get weird, like the comic books of R. Crumb. Now they paint me on a cel, cause my cartoons they sell, But a kannuck like John said, ‘Well, Clampett is a prophet that I think you oughta listen to. He’s a cartoonist who, actually made cartoons. Just like Chuck Jones, also Friz Freling, And Tex Avery, (*Stimpy: “Eeee!”*) was so savory, Bakshi’s in, long run, we’re gonna win, Check it out! (Stimpy: Yeah y’all come on!) Here we go again! Stimpy, J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! (*scratching sample of Mr. Horse: “No Sir, I didn’t like it!”*) Stimpy, J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! Stimpy: Live from our secret headquarters! For just five bucks, Ren will demonstrate his lyrical ability! Ob-ser-ive! Ren: When that Muddy the Mudskipper convinced my buddy to Suddenly write poetry about cat litter, Fast as an Asthma Chihuahua hound dog can, I Flog that dumb sick little monkey with ‘Log’! Despite his catbox and wharfing up hairballs, And gross things that emanate from his butt-crack, He’s still my friend, though a fat bloated EEdiot. Ask Dr. Stupid to go shave a yak! The Happy Helmet makes, (Stimpy: You face gladness!) Until it breaks, then its, (*Ren with voice distortion: “Space Madness!”*) In this Untamed World, all the laughs, we will bring them, Cause we are the kings of this Wild Cartoon Kingdom! Stimpy, J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! (*scratching sample of Powdered Toast Man: “Quick man! Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!”*) J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! Stimpy:2, 3, 11, R, 5, 7, Hit it boys! Ren and Stimpy in the house! Ay yo Ren, tell all the kids out there what happened to us boyee! Ren: Back around ’93, John Krisfalusi And his rebel friends they all created SpumCo. Sold “The Ren And Stimpy Show” to Nick for ‘Snick’. The show was sick, the chick executives then pulled a dirty trick. Sole control, they censored almost the entire show. From magic nose goblins to all of “Man’s Best Friend”. They fired John and went on filming at the enemy Camp. Saw Season Three, (Stimpy: And the fans said, George Liquor: “What’s this crap?!”) But the sacrifice brought creator clout to life. There’s Seth Macfarlane, (Stimpy: Shows on Adult Swim!) Matt Groening first showed the suits they could be for adults. Show ‘em on TV, sweep the whole country. Hooray for Matt and Trey, and Mike Judge as well, Hell. (Stimpy: Spike and also Mike’s) Yearly festival, go on forever, so that guys like Don Hertzfeld never get ‘rejected’! Animator exit! Stimpy, J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! (*scratching sample of FireMan: “I’ve had it up to HEEEERE with the likes of you people!”*) Stimpy, J Styles, and ShoeBox: Turn it up!… Bring the Joy! Stimpy: Yo, they should know by now that they can’t push the History Eraser Button! Ren: Now it’s time for the next verse. Stimpy: No! I wanna holler the loud funny words! (the following 3 are done simultaneously:) Ren, Stimpy, J Styles, ShoeBox, & Stinky Wizzleteats: Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy. Happy happy, joy joy joy! Luke Ski: C’mon!… C’mon!… C’mon now!… C’mon! Shoebox & J Styles: Doo doo doo doo doo doo… doo doo doo doo doo doo… Doo doo doo doo doo doo… doo doo doo doo doo doo… Oooooh… oooooh… Aaaeeuuhhh… Aaaeeuuhhh… (end of simultaneousness) Ren: Ren Hoek’s the host with forty-seven million fart jokes. Back off man, because we’re all out of Powdered Toast. Scabs who weren’t legit, counterfeit, hypocrite, Like Mr. Horse said, (Mr. Horse: No Sir, I didn’t like it!) George Liquor’s dog training was really o’er intense. Don’t need to whiz on the electric fence. (Sven Hoek: Fyord!) Naughty jokes abound get giggles, rubber nipples! Don’t forget those homo-overtones. New ep’s from Spike TV, the frog’s pain never ends. The Idiot Boy Jimmy’s hangin’ with the Ripping Friends? (Stimpy: Ren?) What is it, maaaaan?!?! Stimpy: Will you read me a bedtime story? Ren: Read me a bedtime story?! Cripes! What did I just tell you?! Stimpy: You’re the pitcher, I’m the catcher! Luke Ski: Yo, John K., where are yoooou? Stimpy: Yo Ren, check out this beat. Ren: Beat?! I’ll show you beat! (*SFX: smack!*) You fat bloated EEdiot! (*SFX: smack!*) You woooorm! (*SFX: smack!*) You filthy swine! (*SFX: smack!*) You sick little monkey! (*SFX: smack!*) You stupid sack! (*SFX: smack!*) You circus midget! (*SFX: smack!*) Mister doggie treeeat! (fade out Ren’s beating at the end) Luke Ski: Krisfalusi get wicked! Krisfalusi get wicked! Krisfalusi get wicked! Krisfalusi get wicked! Kri-… Kri- Kri- Kri- Krisfa-… Kri-… Krisfa-… Krisfalusi, Krisfalusi, Krisfalusi get wicked! (*SFX: high-pitched fart noise*) (Mouth SFX: cheek pop) (*Muddy Mudskipper: “Ya lousy bum!”*)
(* beginning of SB opening theme song: “Are you ready kids?! Aye aye, captain! I can’t hear youuu!! AYE AYE, CAPTAIN!!! Oooohhh-” *) (* Ohh- Oh- Oh- Oh-…* ) Mr Krabs: Are you ready?! SpongeBob: Iiiiiii’m READY! I’m ready!… Mr Krabs: Arr, lad! Are you ready?! SpongeBob: …I’m ready! I’m ready! (laughs) Verse 1: All right, stop what you’re doin’, cause I’m about to ruin The animated style that you’re used to. I’m shaped funny… (*SB: laugh*) But yo, soon everybody’ll see, The whole world that’s down way under the sea. Now you all oughta, watch with your son or daughter, All my nautical nonsense in the underwater. (**) I’ll eat up all the jellyfish jam you got on your shelf, (*?*) So just let me introduce myself. My name is SpongeBob, pronounced with an ‘-OngeBob’. Flipping burgers sure really is a fun job, And all the Krabby Patties I make, are for the twelve-thirty lunch mob. I got your order up! (*sfx: ding!*) Here in Bikini Bottom, You want the best meal? The Krusty Krab’s got ‘em! Bun, patty, lettuce, cheese, onions’ sweet odor, Tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, pickles, bun, in that order! I’m ready, see! (gasp!) Look, Plankton’s back! (*Pl: Ha ha!*) And he wants the secret recipe, But that’s some info that he’ll never get from me! Plankton: C’Mon SpongeBob! Those buns, are they sesame? Mr. Krabs: Arr, that’s enough of that! (*sfx: toink! Pl: Aaah!*) Now listen up, Spongey, You swab the deck, while I count up all me money! When I clean, (*sfx: cleaning) I spin around and go boom. I once got dizzy in the Krusty Krab bathroom! I’m crazy, (**) but Squidward here will save me! Squidward: Take your spatula and kindly go away please! The employee of the month is my stance, And I even got my own dance! Chorus 1: (Lead vocals by SpongeBob, Main background vocals sung in unison by Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, & Plankton, with their individual lines shown:) SpongeBob SquarePants, here’s your chance, to do the Sponge! Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: C’Mon! Uh! Do the Spongey Sponge, come on and do the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Mr. Krabs: Oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Check it out, y’all! Do the Spongey Sponge, just watch me do the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Squidward: Oh, oh, oh oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Yeah, do you know what I’m doin? Doin’ the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Plankton: Oh, oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: C’mon! Do the Spongey Sponge, ha! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Verse 2: Patrick says, (Patrick:) Yo SpongeBob, uhh, let’s do some jellyfishin’! Starfish as dumb as the rock that he lives in. We’ll laugh and prance, because we’re best buds, And we’re happy, until a jellyfish zaps me! (*sfx: jf zap*) And now our plan, see, is to visit Sandy In her bubble dome land tree. (*SC: Howdy SB!*) With this squirrel girl, adventure’s nothing to fear, But if you ever mess with Texas, she just might kick your rear! (*SC: punch*) And then there’s Squidward, (*Sq: A-Heeehh*) quite grumpy I’m afraid. His Easter Island head is where his clarinet’s played. He’ll tirade ‘til his eighties, but hey, I don’t care! Both how I’m livin’ and my pants are square! I get scary! (*SB: ooh*) Hang with a lobster named Larry. I give a bath to my pet snail (*sfx: Meow!*) called Gary. I hang at the Goo Lagoon, surf sand particles, And when I crash, shout, “Ah, tartar-sauce barnacles!” I go to school so I can learn to drive, (*sfx: SB driving w/ Mrs Puff*) Mrs. Puff after each class says she’s happy to be alive. So if you’re down with the absorbent and the yellow and porous, Then join along and sing the chorus! Chorus 2: (Lead vocals by SpongeBob, Main background vocals sung in unison by Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, & Plankton, with their individual lines shown:) SpongeBob SquarePants, here’s your chance, to do the Sponge! SpongeBob: C’Mon! Yeah, fishy baby! Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: C’mon! Uh! Do the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Mr. Krabs: Oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Fishy baby! Everybody! C’mon and do the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Squidward: Oh, oh, oh oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Uh, do you know what we’re doin? We’re doin’ the Spongey Sponge, y’all! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Plankton: Oh, oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Uh! Do the Spongey Sponge, watch me do the Spongey Sponge! A-Do the Spongey Sponge, a-do the Spongey Sponge! Breakdown: Mr. Krabs: Arr, that be the break, y’all. Mr. Squidward! Let me hear a little bit of that bass groove right here! Squidward: A-doo-reer, doo-ree. A-doo-reer, doo-ree. Mr. Krabs: Ag ag ag ag ag ag! Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, uhh, now that you’ve told us a little bit about yourself, uhh, why don’t you tell us a little bit about this dance? SpongeBob: Well it’s really easy to do Patrick. Check it out! Verse 3: First I go like this, spin around and then stop, man! Double take three times, pelvic thrust and then stomp, and (*sfx: rip*) Rip my pants cause it’s funny! (laugh) Squidward says (Squidward:) You like like a brillo pad gone mad, dummy! That’s all right, cause I’m rockin’ this ocean. Bring it around town, always causin’ a commotion! Bubble blowing’s quite the same. (*sfx: bubbles*) This is my technique, SquarePants is my name! No two fishes will do it the same, Just have some F-U-N, and forget about your brain! Rockin’, (*SC: Hi-Yah!*) Karate Choppin’, (*sfx: hooked noise*) Now you’re hooked, to the bottom you’ll drop! So if you got your air helmet, then come on and take the plunge, You just step off, (*sfx: splash*) you’re doin’ the Sponge! Chorus 3: (Lead vocals by SpongeBob, Main background vocals sung in unison by Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, & Plankton, with their individual lines shown:) SpongeBob SquarePants, here’s your chance, to do the Sponge! Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Everybody! Uh, a-Do the Spongey Sponge, come on and do the Spongey Sponge! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Mr. Krabs: Oh oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Fishy baby! Uh! A-Do the Spongey Sponge! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Squidward: Oh, oh, oh oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Do you know what I’m doin’? We’re doin’ the Spongey Sponge, y’all! Uh! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Plankton: Oh, oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Watch me do the Spongey Sponge, Uh, Check it out! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Chorus 4: Patrick: Oh, oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Mr. Krabs: Oh, oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: C’mon! The Flying Dutchman! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Squidward: Oh, oh, oh oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: King Neptune! Just keep on doin’ the Sponge! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Plankton: Oh oh, SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob: Even Patchy the Pirate! Aw yeah! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge! Plankton: I’ve got a Krabby Patty! The secret formula will soon be mine! Ha ha ha! (etc.) Mr. Krabs: Mother of Pearl! Mr. Squidward! Do the Spongey Sponge, do the Spongey Sponge (4 line stanza repeats as usual) Mr. Krabs: Stop that scurvy scoundrel! (etc.) Squidward: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs! Get back here you! (etc.) Patrick: Underwater rhymes! Underwater rhymes, underwater rhymes! (repeats) SpongeBob: Once again, the underwater is in the pineapple! I’d like to send a shout out to the whole ocean! Keep on doin’ the Spongy Dance! And to the ladies, Pants and Spongy-ness forever! (laugh) (* ending of SB opening theme song: whistle & sea , seagull noises*)
Jay Sherman: (SFX: Sample of Survivor theme, or just some generic dramatic jungle music sample:) Well, reality TV fanatics, it’s finally happened. The television industry has produced so many reality TV shows that there are no longer any actual real humans left who are not in some way already directly involved. Leaving CBS so desperate for new contestants that they turned over their biggest reality franchise to the world of the animated. And so here we stand, one island, thirty-nine days, three tribes, eighteen of the top cartoon stars of the past decade and a half, all competing for one million dollars. Outwit, Outplay, Out of their minds. This is, “Survivor: The Animated Series”. I’m your host, Jay Sherman. …The Critic. Bongo Tribe Jay Sherman: This week we begin at the camp of the Bongo Tribe. Their task at hand is to construct a device that will give them an advantage over the other two tribes. (SFX: ambient beach and/or jungle sound effects in BG) Comic Book Guy: C’mon, just do it once. Bender: No. Comic Book Guy: Please? You simply must! Bender: I said no, meatbag! Comic Book Guy: Just give me one, “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” Bender: Hey! That is offensive to me and my people! You sir, are a rob-ist! Comic Book Guy: Oh, stop being such a paranoid android! Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!… Oh no, here come the little kid and the quiet one. Jay: Holy Snoogans! A giant talking bong! Bender: For the last time, I am not a bong! …Or am I?… (SFX: Whenever Jay makes speeches, a rap beat is heard at mid-volume in the background) Jay: Hell’s yeah you could be! I say we go into that forest over there, go snik snik snik, cut down all those sweet volcanic island ash buds, roll ‘em all up in these big ass palm tree leaves, and, have a big wahoo snoochie boochie Bender noochie! What do ya say, lunchbox? Bender: Anyone from an animated series that lasted longer than six episodes, raise your hand! Professor Farnsworth: Good news everyone! We’ve gotten a message in our little fake jungle mail box! It says we are to construct a device that will give us an advantage over the other two tribes! Comic Book Guy: Well thank you so much for the update, mister exposition! Professor Farnsworth: Well, let’s form a think tank and see what ideas we can come up with. Professor Frink: Well the most logical course of action in creating such a device would be to not only include the local flora and fauna, with the trees and the bushes and the rocks and the birdies and the little bugs that bite you and give you the malaria which isn’t good… but to also utilize the luxury items that the producers of the show allowed us to bring, in conjuntion, mmhoy mmhoy. Professor Farnsworth: Sounds like an excellent plan. Bender, what do you think? Bender: I think this uncharted desert isle has one professor too many. Professor Farnsworth: Well lets start with you, Professor Frink. Professor Frink: Thank you, Professor Farnsworth. Anticipating this very predicament, my luxury item is my own invention called the “Luxury Item Island Usefullness Conjunction-atu-tron”! (SFX: Classic computer sound effects) Professor Frink: We simply enter the names of the luxury items we all have and it will get a readout of our surroundings and tell us exactly want we can build with said items. Professor Farnsworth: That’s so stupid and preposterous that it’s brilliant and logical! You certainly live up to reputation in the annals of mad science! Jay: (whispering) You hear that Silent Bob? He said ‘anals’! They’re so totally gay for each other. Prfoessor Frink: Thank you, sir. So what may I ask is your luxury item? Professor Farnsworth: Eh-who-wha? Well, uh, I can’t seem to recall at the moment. I’m sure it will come to me. Bender, what is your luxury item? Bender: Are you kidding? I *AM* a luxury item, baby! (SFX: Whenever Jay makes speeches, a rap beat is heard at mid-volume in the background) Jay: I brought a lighter I stole from the Quick Stop, so’s my hetero-life-mate Silent Bob here can light up his smokes, which were his luxury item. By the way, I am so totally not gay. But Silent Bob here, is way totally super gay. Just wanted all you gay-rods to know that. Nooch. Comic Book Guy: My luxury item is a mint- condition-in-bag issue of the comic book “Bluntman and Chronic, Number One”. And now, if Jay and Silent Bob would be so kind as to autograph it, I can sell it on E-bay upon my return home. I’m sure many a nerd will pay highly for this item. By the way, I must say Silent Bob I enjoyed your unused screenplay of “Superman Lives”, although I feel mine was more accurate to the original graphic novel adaptation. Could you please pass it along to Warner Brothers Studio for me? (SFX: Whenever Jay makes speeches, a rap beat is heard at mid-volume in the background) Jay: Yo, why don’t you shut the hell up and leave my man alone? You’re even more tubby *AND* gay than he is! Can’t you see he’s using his awesome Jedi mind powers to build us a death star out of sticks and leaves and crap so’s we can blow those other tribes up like those little bitches on Alderaan? Like wooooo, JEDI! Vwing! Snikity, vwing, nooch! (etc.) Professor Frink: That’s not how you do it! It’s like Vwwiiing, vwiiing! Vwiiing!… (etc.) Comic Book Guy: *sigh* That is the worst pretend light sabre fight ever! I will show you how it’s done back on Couruscant, posers! Shooom! Shoom! (etc.) Professor Farnsworth: Oh yes! I remember now! My luxury item is right here in my inner coat pocket! (SFX: light sabre being turned on, followed by light sabre attack noises) Professor Farnsworth: Say hello to the 31st century, rebel scum! Take that! (etc.) Comic Book Guy: C’mon C-3PO! Help us save the Princess! Bender: You’re all losers.
Hellaholio Tribe Jay Sherman: Over at the base camp of the Hellaholio Tribe, their current task is to get a fire started, so that they can boil their drinking water, as well as find and cook their food. (SFX: different ambient beach and/or jungle sound effects in BG) Hank Hill: All right, all right, everybody settle down. Now we have some work to do, and we need to do it quick before the sun goes down. Now since *we* are the adults here, myself and Boomhauer… Boomhauer: Mmm, yo. Hank Hill: …will be the leaders of the tribe. We have a task at hand, and fortunately it won’t be too difficult, because my luxury item is this propane grill. Yep, this beauty I got with my 5% employee discount from Strickland propane, is the Gas-Master 3000. Beavis, Butthead, Cartman, & Kenny: (all laugh at what Hank said) Hank Hill: Yeah, I find it awe inspiring too. So, if you’ll all step up and take turns, Boomhauer and I will demonstrate how to get the grill going by properly lighting the fire. Beavis: Fire! Fire! FIRE! YEAH! FIRE! Butt-head: Shut up, dillhole! Uh huh huh huh. Beavis: Oh yeah, heh hmm heh, sorry about that. Hank Hill: Now why don’t we start with the young’uns, here, since propane safety starts at age eight. Just step on up, son. Cartman: Yeah, yeah, whatever, lets just get this thing started, I’m starving! I ran out of cheesy poofs like 40 minutes ago! Hank Hill: Heh, so full of enthusiasm. You remind me of my son, Bobby, what with the funny voices, and being husky and all. Cartman: Hey! I am not fat! And you’re one to talk, Mr. narrow urethra! Hank Hill: Now pay close attention, Eric. First you activate the propane emission. Butthead: He said ‘emission’. Huh huh huh. Beavis: Heh hrm heh. Hank Hill: Then you push the ingition spark button… And there you go! Cartman: Sweet! Let me get my pot pie out of my back pack. Beavis: Hey! No fair! I want a turn! I wanna burn stuff! Cartman: No, Beavis, it’s my turn to use the grill! Beavis: No way lard butt, I wanna burn things! Cartman: NO BEAVIS! THAT’S A BAD BEAVIS! Beavis: OUT OF THE WAY, FAT ASS! Cartman: RESPECT MY ATHOURITAH!!! Beavis: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!?! Cartman & Beavis: (continue to yell things at teach other in unison) Hank Hill: Hey hey hey! There is no horseplay allowed around the Gas Master 3000! Beavis, Butthead, Cartman, & Kenny: (all laugh at what Hank said) Hank Hill: Besides, now it’s Kenny’s turn. Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: What?!) Hank Hill: C’mon Kenny, step on over to the barbecue grill and I’ll show you how to light it. Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: No f***ing way!) Hank Hill: Daylight’s a-burnin’ here, what’s the hold up? Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: As soon as I press that button, the grill is going to explode or something!) Hank Hill: Well that’s just silly, Kenny. Propane grilling is the safest form of cooking known to man. Boomhauer, why don’t you help Kenny out. You know, uh, mentor him, or something? Boomhauer: Sure thing, Hank, now… (Boomhauer mumbles in his way explaining to Kenny how to work the grill) Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: says things back as if he understands and does it correctly.) Hank Hill: (choking back tears) If I live to be 100, I hope someday to have such a touching and eloquent man-to-man talk with my son Bobby, boy I tell you whut! Butt-Head: Whoa! That’s why seem so, uh, familiar to me, or something. Uh huh. You sound just like that old Tom Anderson dude! Huh huh. Hank Hill: What the Hell are you talking about? Beavis: Yeah, you sound exactly like that fartknocker! He’s always like ‘What the hell are you boys doin’ with my lawnmower?’ Butt-head: Yeah! Huh huh. (continues to laugh) Beavis: ‘You boys leave that dog alone, you little bastards!’ Hank Hill: Now see here! If you two don’t start being good role models for our impressionable younger teammates, I’ll take you over my knee and give you some capital punishment, Texas style, boy I tell you whut! Beavis: ‘Boy I tell you whut!’ (continues to laugh) Butt-head: (continues to laugh) Hank Hill: Why you little- Boomhauer: Whoa whoa whoa man! Hank (etc.) dang ol daylight burning, man! Hank Hill: You’re right Boomhauer. Always the clear voice of reason. Okay, so lets move on to the next thing we have to do now that the grill is going, and get our metal pot full of well water so we can boil it. You see, we have to boil it to kill any of the foreign germs in the water supply, making it safe to drink. If we don’t we all could very well get diarrhea. Beavis & Butthead: Diarrhea! Cha cha cha! Diarrhea! Cha cha cha! Cartman & Kenny join Beavis & Butthead: Yeah! Diarrhea! Cha cha cha! Diarrhea! Cha cha cha! (they all laugh) Hank Hill: *sigh* Them boys ain’t right. Butt-head: Uh, speaking of ‘Daria’, huh huh. Why aren’t there any chicks on this show? Huh huh huh. Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: Yeah, really!) Boomhauer: The kid makes a dang ol good point, man. Beavis: Yeah! I mean, I came out here to win money, score with hot chicks in bikinis, and eat rats! And I haven’t done any of that stuff yet! Heh heh. Dammit! Heh heh. Butt-head: Hey, uh, Beavis, got that, uh, luxury, uh, bat of yours? Beavis: Yep, got the baseball bat right here. Heh hmm heh. Butt-head: Well, uh, I think I know how to get some rats to show up! (SFX: Kenny death sting music) Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: Uh, oh.) Butt-head: Hey, uh, Kenny, come here. Huh huh. Come to Butt-head. Huh huh (Butt-head grabs Kenny, etc.) Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: No way! Get the hell away from me! (struggle ensues, yelling, etc.)) Beavis: Yeah! Get ‘im! GET ‘IM! YEAH! (etc.) Beavis & Butt-head: KENNY BASEBALL!!! (Butt-head throws Kenny, and Beavis smacks him with the baseball bat. Kenny falls to the ground and we hear the rats approach.) (SFX: Kenny being thrown, Crunch of being hit, rats attacking Kenny) Hank Hill: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! Boomhauer: Dang ol, bastard! Butt-head: Uh, here you go. Throw that rat right on the grill Beavis! Uh huh huh. Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! (crunch) Mmm! It’s like, beef jerky. Heh hmm heh. Cartman: (who has been laughing since Kenny was killed) …Poor piece of crap!
Barbera Tribe Jay Sherman: Over at the Barbera tribe, while certain team members start to feel the pressure of being voted out, a message from the outside world is delivered to one of our players against the will of the producers via a banner being pulled by an airplane. (SFX: another different ambient beach and/or jungle sound effects in BG) Iago: I gotta form an alliance with somebody quick or I’m one dead bird. I wish Jafar was here, that was an alliance with brains *and* power. Oh look! It’s the little monkey! Hey monkey, let’s form an alliance! What do you say? Mojo Jojo: I, Mojo Jojo, do not take offers to form alliances, I give orders to all those around me! I say things and when I say things people hear them and when they hear them they do what I say and I will rule this island and all of Townsville for I am Mojo Jojoooo!!!! Iago: Sheesh! Forget it! I’m used to monkeys not talking that much! Hey Pinky! You want to form an alliance with me? Pinky: Oh, no thank you! I’ve already formed an alliance with this Log! Ha ha ha! It’s lo-og! It’s lo-og! It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood! ZORT! Ren: Shut up, you eediot!!! Pinky: Right-O, Ren! Stewie: Excuse me, dog! I am in need of your excrement handling expertise. You see, I’ve got quite a load in my diaper back here, and since Lois isn’t here and I know that hauling waste is second nature to you, I’d appreciate it if I can break you away from marking your territory long enough to change me. Ren: Change your stinky diaper? Ha! Do it yourself! Stewie: Change me now! Before I, uh, oh no, here comes the big dumb cat-looking thing. Ren: You mean Stimpy? Stewie: No, the other one. Brak: Hello, my name is Brak! Mojo Jojo: Yes, we know! You tell us that every time we see you! Brak: Why it’s a pleasure to meet you too! And your name is? Mojo Jojo: I, am MOJO JOJO! My superior simian intellect will make me the best and consequently make you the worst and with me as the best and you as the worst I will be the one who will be winning all the challenges and food stuffs and Kia automobile bonus prizes for I, Mojo Jojo, will be the ultimate Survivor!!!! Brak: Hello, my name is Brak! Mojo Jojo: Aaaauugh!!! (SFX: The sound of an explosion in the water far away, Sealab blowing up) Iago: What the hell was that? Brak: Oh, that was just Sealab blowing up again. It does that about every 12 minutes. Stewie: I do say, Pinky, you’re a lab rat familiar with scientific experimentation. I think with my keen intellect and your willingness to be continually abused, we could make quite the unstoppable force to conquer this show and soon after the rest of the planet! What do you say? Pinky: Are you kidding? POIT! Hanging around with short mammals with oversized heads who have daily ambitious world domination plans is my bag, baby! Hee hee hua ha, NARF! Stewie: Exellent! Anything would be better than teaming with those two stupid monkeys. Mojo Jojo: I am not stupid! Brak: I am not a monkey! Mojo Jojo: I, Mojo Jojo, will form an unbreakable alliance with Ren Hoek the Ashthma Hound Chihuahua by using the power of the anubis jewels to control his doggie mind! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Ren: You sick little monkey! Why I oughta! (SFX: Ren gets zapped) Ren: I, am, so, happy! I, must, go, do, nice, things, for, my best friend, Mojo Jojo! Mojo Jojo: Haa ha ha ha ha!!! Stewie: Hmm, what in impressive device! Perhaps I could use such a thing on Brain when I get home. Get him to maul Lois or something. Rupert, are you writing this down? Rupert! Stop reading Cosmopolitan and pay attention! Iago: Well, Brak, it looks like it’s just you and me, chump. You want to form an alliance? Brak: Why sure thing, Zazu! Iago: It’s Iago! Brak: Why sure thing, Iago! In fact, I’m so happy about our new friendship, I’m gonna sing a song about my new buddy! (SFX: Can we add music to this? Synth Piano?) Brak: (singing) Well he’s short and red and from Tiera Del Fuego!… Iago: What? Brak: …His name’s like the waffle, and they call him Eggo! Oh, Eggo the parrot is my best pal! We’re gonna ride a caterpillar to the rainbow land of turnips, where dinosaurs do your taxes and everyone smells like six pounds of bacon in a five meter bacon pouch! (etc.) Iago: I left Disney for this? (SFX: propellor airplane flying) Iago: Hey Brak, there’s a plane up there in the sky pulling a banner. Looks like it’s a message for you. Brak: Well let me see there, buddy! Wow! Hey! All right! Lemmie read it! It says, “Dear Brak. This is Zorak. Nobody likes you. They think you are are stupid and dumb and annoying and ugly and a big baby and you’re probably going to start crying before you even get done reading thi-AAAAAAHHHH!!! (Brak cries) Zorak: (heard in the distance on the plane: Laughing) Take that, jackass! Mua ha ha ha! (etc.)
Tribal Council (SFX: A little more of whatever was used of the theme music, followed by the sound of a campfire burning, with maybe some jungle drums way off in the distance) Jay Sherman: Welcome to Tribal Council. I know this week has been trying for you all, but at least we can all take solace in the fact that those of us whose shows were cancelled now have a chance to work again. Professor Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Jay: Word, yo. Ren: You said it, pal. Pinky: Narf! Brak: Hello, my name is Brak! Butt-head: Work sucks. Beavis: Yeah, really. Stewie: My show got renewed, did you hear? Bender: Yeah, shut up before I bend you in half! Jay Sherman: Now, there was some drama and issues in the Hellaholio tribe this week. Hank, care to talk about it? Hank Hill: Well, uh, ahem, there was a bit of an, uh, accident, and I thought Kenny had, uh, passed on. But the next morning, there he was, good as new. Heh. Quite a resilient young lad there. Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: You’ll get used to it after a while.) Cartman: Yeah, he’s always doing that. It’s hella-weak. Jay Sherman: And of course, Butt-head brought up an issue. Butt-head: Yeah! Where are all the chicks! Uh huh huh. Beavis: Hehe hmm heh, Yeah! I wanna score with that chick from season two that everybody hated and then became a big whore and appeared on every other reality TV show ever made! Heh hmm heh! Butt-head: Uh huh huh, I get her first, Beavis! Huh huh. Beavis: No you don’t! She’s mine! Butthole! (SFX: Whenever Jay makes speeches, a rap beat is heard at mid-volume in the background) Jay: Yeah, why don’t we get those producer guys to drop us a parachuted plane-load of hot honeys so’s we can all get our freak on, jungle style, nooch! Mojo Jojo: Hey, having girls around all the time is *NOT* what it is cracked up to be! They interfere with your plans and give you large veterinarian bills! Jay Sherman: During our Island Game-Hunting Challenge, our hunters with the top two largest amounts of game hunted and killed for sustenance, were Hank Hill and Stewie Griffin. How did each of you bring down so many free-range animals? Hank Hill: Well you can thank the folks of the Arlen, Texas branch of the NRA for keeping guns in the hands of well trained intelligent Americans like me. Stewie: My luxury item was a death ray. It only took me about five minutes to take out eight or nine indigenous endangered species. Quite tasty indeed. Jay Sherman: Yes, they were. As your reward, you both get to see a televised message from your loved ones at home. Stewie, we’ll start with you. (SFX: Turns TV on: All the people on TV sound like they’re on TV*) *Brian: Hey Stewie, this is Brian. Uh, listen, will you tell Peter that just because that one guy was naked on Survivor all season that it doesn’t mean he has to remain naked for the entire run of this season? *Peter: Hey little guy! Make your big fat naked daddy proud! He-he-he-he-he-he! *Brian: Seriously. He went out for ice cream last night, and now the Mayor of Quahog has us under house arrest. And we’re out of toilet paper. Beavis: I need T.P. for my bunghole! Heh hmm heh! Stewie: Well that was anti-climactic and psychologically disturbing. Jay Sherman: Now here’s your message from home, Hank. Hank Hill: I sure hope Peggy is, bwaah! *Dale: Hank! It’s Dale! *Bill: Let me talk to him! *Dale: Shut up Bill, this is too important! It’s all a sham! “Survivor” is nothing but a government funded mass hypnosis experiment to get Midwesterners to move to Borneo! Hank Hill: Oh, god. *Bill: Hi Hank! Look at me, I’m on T.V.! Don’t worry, I’m keeping an eye on Peggy for you! Hank Hill: You stay the hell away from my wife, Bill! *Dale: Don’t worry! I’ve hired a detective agency to get you out of there! They’re stowed away in the crates for next week’s food challenge! Jay Sherman: What? Wait a minute, those food crates are right here! (SFX: Sound of opening a crate) Jay Sherman: HOTCHIE MOTCHIE! Master Shake: All right, nobody move! Aqua Teen Hunger Force! Assemble! Meatwad: Do we get to go to the beach now! Master Shake: The beach is forbidden! Frylock: Shake, you said we were going to the beach. Master Shake: I say a lot of things, it doesn’t mean I have to do them. Frylock: What’s going on Shake? Master Shake: Look, I may have duped that redneck nutjob, Rusty Shackleford, into getting us on this island, but now that we are here, it is *WE* who shall be the alliance that wins the million dollar prize! And by we, I mean once it’s down to the final three, I’ll feed you two the alligators. Meatwad: Will you buy me a new jam box? Master Shake: Sure, I’ll place it on a candled altar I’ll erect in your honor, in my mind, because I don’t have the time to make such things. Meatwad: Thank you Master Shake. You’re so good to me. Frylock: Look, I’m sorry folks, we’ll just go down to the beach and swim and leave you to your show. NOW, Shake! Master Shake: I am the leader! I say when we go to the beach!… Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to the beach, to become the million dollar surfing king of reality television. So long, suckers! *Carl: Hey! You people out there! This is Carl on the TV monitor! Where the hell is that shake monster? He left me with a $700 bill from UPS! That son of bi- Jay Sherman: Feh. Well while all that pointless banter was going on, I tallied the votes to see who will be the first cartoon character voted out on “Survivor: The Animated Series”. Here we go. The first vote, which suspiciously has orange cheesy poof dust on it, is for Kenny. Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: What?!) Cartman: Heh heh heh heh heh… Jay Sherman: And… the other 15 votes were for Cartman. Cartman: WHAT?!?! Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: Ha ha ha ha ha!) Cartman: You asshole Kenny, we had an alliance! Kenny: (muffled beyond comprehension: Yeah, fuck you too!) Cartman: You all voted against me?! Why?! EVERYBODY ELSE: Cause you’re a big fat ass! Cartman: Well I don’t need your stupid show anyway! I’m gonna go do “Big Brother: The Animated Series” with Clydefrog and Polly Prissypants! You god damn hippies! Jay Sherman: Eric, bring your torch forward. Cartman: No no no, screw you guys, I’m going home! Jay Sherman: Cartman, the tribe has spo- Cartman: No no no, screw you guys! Home! Jay Sherman: Well that’s it for this week. Stay tuned, because coming up next is “The Simple Life: The Animated Series” starring Harley Quinn and Daria Morgendorfer.
The Simple Life starring Harley Quinn & Daria Morgendorfer (*SFX: farm and herd of cattle*) Harley Quinn: Just look at us! Two single girls, two socially outcast misfits, out on the road, seeking fun and adventure! Daria: Yes. This will surely be more fun than the Lawndale homecoming pep rally. Harley Quinn: Oh, c’mon Daria! Turn that frown upside down! That’s what my puddin’ always said! Ah, his charmingly big smile, his broad shoulders, his noggin never quite all there, how I love him so! Daria: Brittany? Is that you? Harley Quinn: You just gotta be more like me, cause blondes have more fun! Daria: Yep, it’s Brittany all right. Harley Quinn: Now we gotta get our farm chores done here, Daria sweetie. Now take a look at this herd of cattle here. What do you see? Daria: A metaphor for the American consumer populous? Harley Quinn: It’s an opportunity to show the boss that we can take charge and coral these hunks of hamburger into the barn! So we’ll split up our duties. Your job is to call the cattle towards us. Here, put on this pink sequined cowboy hat! Daria: Yee-hah. Harley Quinn: Now you call them over, while I coral them with the help of my pet hyenas. C’mon babies! Mama has some work for you to do! (SFX: rabid yowling hyena noises, followed by a cattle stampede) Harley Quinn: C’mon! Let’s go! (etc.) Daria: Get along little dough-gie. Yippie-kiyay. (Sigh,) I missed tutoring summer school students for this? (SFX: end Simple Life segment, return to theme music & campfire sounds) Jay Sherman: It stinks! Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head down to the beach and visit some delectable oversized fast food items. Mmm, ach-hem ach-hem ach-hem! (SFX: Music crescendos, then fades out) (the end)
1st verse: Hello there, space person. So glad you could visit. And by the looks of you, you seem so exquisite. It’s been a long trip, why don’t you take a ‘paws’. You know that “R and R” is a standard ‘claws’. This rock’s revolvin’, while were evolvin’, We’re upright kitty cats who land on our feet. So make a beeline, straight to a feline, You’ll learn this planet’s red because we are all in heat. 1st chorus: We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars… We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… from beyond the stars… Climb in my litter box and things will be fine, The time of your life will be my time of nine, We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars. 2nd verse: This is the planet where no passion is hidden. Spaying and neutering are long since forbidden. You’ll never stray once you have seen what you’re getting. I’ll twitch my whiskers during your heavy petting. So if you’re smitten, for this here kitten, Come on and cross my path, white, brown, gray, or black. First there’s some growlin’, and then some yowlin’, You don’t need Dr. Seuss to get this ‘Cat In The Sack’. 2nd chorus: We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars… We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… from beyond the stars… You be my Ro-Meow, I’ll be Juliet, I’ll cough up hairballs just so you can play Vet. We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars. Middle 8: Yeah, if you’re looking for some tail, We’ll make you caterwaul and wail and sing… I’ll be the Martian you want most, So come on, bring your scratching post, and then I’ll play with your balls… (Vocalist A holds note on balls) Oh yes, we’ll play with your balls… (Vocalist B holds note on balls) Oh yes, we’ll play with your balls… (Vocalist C holds note on balls, until they all end) …of string! Bridge Rap: Hello Kitty! Come and cross my path, And see Garfield taking a Lasagna bath, Catwoman and Stimpy in a puddle of drool, And MC Skat Kat doin’ Paula Abdul! Josie and her Pussycats’ whiplash Made Sylvester shout ‘Sufferin’ Succotash!” And I’m Tom, don’tchya know? Are you ready to go? Cause I’m a pimp Lion-O and you’re my Thundercat HOOOOO!!! 3rd verse: So take advantage of our astro-diversion. Our prime directive is a life of ‘purr’-version. There’s nothing better than a tongue bath for two. Collars and leashes both for me and for you. Take away his keys; give him some Friskies, This cat scratch fever will give you Martian fits. I’ll make you cripple, with my cat-nip-ple, When you get home you’ll say “I tawt I taw puddy tits!” 3rd chorus: We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars… We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… from beyond the stars… We’ll trap your mouse with stuff more tempting than cheese, A Siamese down on her knees, if you please. We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars. Final chorus: Awwrr-ME-YOW!!! We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars… We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… from beyond the stars… Join our Meow Mixer, come on don’t be a tease, When you leave, you’ll say. “Thanks for the mammories!” Brief parody aside (done to the tune of “Memory” from the musical “Cats”): Mammories, Hey man, check out these boobies, Why drink milk from a saucer, When you can suck on these… (*dog barks, cat yowls and hisses*) Return to the final chorus & finale: We are the sex (SEX!) kittens… sex kittens from Mars. Meow-ow-ow… Sex kittens from Mars. Meow-ow-ow… Sex kittens from Mars. Meow-ow-ow… Sex kittens from Mars. Snarf!
I got a bad feeling about this. 1, 2, 3, 4! Qui-Gon's on the station, for negotiation. Trade Federation wants obliteration. A queen in kabuki garb, Jedi rescued. Got her off of Naboo with some help from R2. Look out kid, You're chock for of Mid- -ichloriens, Our boy works at Watto's bazaar. We won a slave and a hyperdrive betting on NASCAR. Took Ani to Coruscant. A prophet star? The Senate's gridlocked, and don't forget Jar Jar. Ani blastin' aloft made the droid's attack soft Darth Maul was the black goth now, he's only half-off. Much later on, Padme, Zam tried to assassinate. Yoda helped Obi find a Planet they had misplaced. Look out kid. Beware of your id. Obi saw Camino's Discount troop clones. DNA of Jango's and after Ani's sand prose. Mom went comatose. Flipped, like, adios! You don't need a bantha nose to smell the Tuskens decompose. Dooku Obi did find hangin' in a bug mine. Chase in the assembly line, Mace
(8 measure lead-in, with dialogue) Palpatine: A Jedi gains power through understanding. A Sith gains understanding through power! Anakin: And with great power comes great responsibility? Palpatine: Eeh, not for the Sith it doesn’t, Tobey! He was a boy. I was a girl. Can George make it any more obvious? He was a slave, And I was a queen, Stuck on Tattooine. He soon grew up. I said ‘he’s fine’. He lost his hand, so I gave him mine. But his Jedi friends, Ruffled their robes, ‘Cause they had a problem with his darker clothes. He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) A space aviator boy. Vader: (breathing) That droid party they did crash. While R2 ignited fuel, Vader: (breathing) His long hair still looked so cool. Vader: (breathing) He sure unhanded Dooku fast. *light sabre cutting off arm, scream* Now Anakin was The hero they’d hail, But some of the Senators wanna Bail. The council dissed him. Sent Obi to stop This cross between Zorak and RoboCop. *Zorak laughs* I carried his child, But nobody knew. With all of this kicking it feels like two. He dreamt of my death. It left him in terror, Which led to his judgement’s Grevious error. Yoda: What a bad pun you have made, ohh hoo hoo hoo! He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) Thanks to that dictator, boy, Vader: (breathing) With his new wrinkley Gollum head. Palpatine: Precious! Sidious’ evil grin, Vader: (breathing) Kinda like Darth Nixon. Vader: (breathing) Blood-stained-glass, Mace window’s dead. He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) A real Jedi traitor boy, Vader: (breathing) Just so that I would not be harmed. He went really Musta-far, Vader: (breathing) And now thanks to Chewbacca, Vader: (breathing) Those battle droids were soon un-armed. *Battle droid says ‘Roger roger’* *Chewbacca roars* *light sabre & blasters* (8 measure bridge featuring the Nick Atoms’ punked out version of the Imperial March) Obi-Wan: You were the chosen one! Anakin: Sith happens. There’s no youngling that could hide From his Jedi genocide. Thanks to Palpatine’s clone tricks, Now they all root ‘Sixty-Six’! Obi snuck on board my ship. That’s when he just lost his grip. Anakin: (battle grunts, oh no, etc.) *light sabre duel* He went to pieces that sad day Anakin: (battle grunts, yelling) *light sabre duel* That he took my breath away. Padme: (choking gasp) *thud* He’s just a Sith, And I’m just a corpse. Can George make it any more obvious? Suddenly there’s Two orphaned kids. Newborn Luke & Leia: (babies crying) I’ve got a bad feeling about thi-i-i-i-is, Now he’s the Vader Boy, Vader: (breathing) With his respirator boy, Vader: (breathing) And in this saga, evil wins. Now he’s into metal, Vader: (breathing) And I know we sure as hell Vader: (breathing) Aren’t gonna let him raise these twins. Now he’s Darth Vader, boy. Vader: (breathing) A real space invader boy. Vader: (breathing) Leia’s a princess on Alderaan. Luke’s on a moisture farm. Vader: (breathing) They’re both safe from any harm, Vader: (breathing) But fans want to know where the Hell is Han? *Chewbacca laughs* Young Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball! *Vader breathing* (song fades/peters out)
Grease Wars 13:41
Luke: We got three minutes, go, go! Yeah! Huh! What? Uh! Yeah! The great Luke Ski, y'all. Up here, lettin' you all know. In the basement, Minneapolis. A really big metropolis. Gotta finish up this CD, By who? Me. Yeah, the great Luke Ski. Huh! Gotta go to this place, Gotta get a robot on a funky bass Named Wyngarde. He's gonna rule. He's gonna make you watch "Rock And Rule". Gonna take you to school, all you sees, All in his place are DVDs. But then, at his side, got Coburn, And you know you're gonna learn how to, Gonna get on the lead guitar. Gonna take you really really far. Can't go far, until you meet, Dr. Ted Nelson with a funky beat. We got the Nick Atoms in the place to be. Chillin' here with the great Luke Ski. Unconventional's the CDs name. Ha. Does Gilbert think it's lame? Gilbert: No, not at all! Not a bit! This album is certainly not a piece of shit. Except for one thing, you fool! You think, I'll take you to school! Gonna put a bonus track on here? Sure! What do you think, I'm just gonna say, "Well, It's not anything good", it's just another remix. You're gonna hood- -wink all your fans with a "What's Up Spock" remix? You think, you're just really sick. In the head you need to knock it off. And now I'm going to go cough. And die. Yes… Take it Wyngarde!... I said take it, Wyngarde!... Wyngarde: I'm going as fast as I can! Leave me alone for God's sake!... Gilbert: What the, what do you think you're doing? You're ruining it! Oh, God! Coburn! Wyngarde: …You stay out of this! Gilbert: Coburn, can you do something useful and help him out?... Oh yes! Ah! Yes! Oh!... Take it, take it, yeah! Luke: Heh! Peace out to Worm Quartet. He's a good friend, the best yet. Uh! Carrie Dahlby on the vocals. A Minneapolis local. Peace out to my sister Amy, and to Rachel, And everyone in the nayshel. That didn't rhyme, but I don’t care. Peace out to Skrabble and the Crest. Oh my goodness. Everybody! Huh! Almost gotta get to the end. Thank you for buying my new CD. I'm the G-R-8 to the Luke to the S-K-E. Oops, I meant to say "I" It spells, S-K-I spells "Ski". In the place to be with the Nick Atoms. You know, we're gonna go ba-dum-ba-dum-baddum, Yeah. Uh. Yeah. This is how you freestyle it. And we're just about out of time, right about now. Wyngarde, what do you think? Wyngarde: Not bad. I got 3 seconds of music here for you though! Luke Ski: Okay, go! Coburn: Somebody cut him off!
(*michigan scratch* *Answer me one question!*) Is the Federation in the house?!?! Aw, yeah! I want all the Klingons in the house to say HO! We're gonna kick it Roddenberry style, here we go! Can we rock? What's up, Spock? Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Can we rock? What's up, Quark? Can we rock? What's up, Doctor? Captain's log. It's time to be beginnin', this five year mission. I am Captain James T. Kirk. Spock is a Vulcan so his actions are logical and swift and 'dammit' Bones is a doctor, not a forklift. Check this out y'all. Sulu warp factor two. Chekov and Uhura are my senior bridge crew. Don't play me like a punk, like a tribble or a Klingon. Scotty's on the ship, so that he can help me beam on. I'm tellin' all the Romulans and aliens to listen to these soliloquies. What? Now I'm makin' lots of movies. Search for Spock? On the floor he's steppin', but I can't dance like a Genesis weapon. Back to the T.V. show, I don't know the reason why a five year mission only lasted three seasons? Oh no! For goodness sakes, the ratings high? I'm off. You off? N-B-C ya! Bye! Can we rock? What's up, Spock? Can we rock? What's up, Spock? Can we rock? What's up, Spock? Can we rock? What's up, Spock? I got the show back on the air! You what? I did! I did! Except this is a newer version for Next Generation kids. I'm on the Starship E-N-T-E-R, P-R-I-S-E, a-with the number N-C-C-one-seven-zero-one-D. It's a hundred years later, it's a thousand man crew, it's a good thing for me my staff knows what to do. Engage! Wesley Crusher is not older but he's wiser. Down in engineering Geordi is my technical ad-visor. I go see Deanna, she's a shrink and a psych-er. When it comes to Troi, all the boys, they will like her. Especially my Number One, Commander Riker. Got a beard like a stud, and a bod like Formica. Doctor Crusher is a humanitarian, And Klingon Worf says 'I am not a merry man!' So who is the Captain in your neighborhood? I guess that would be me! Can't you see? I'm chillin' in the center seat? Cause I, am Jean-Luc Picard, And if you think that I'm Locutus then you're one of the Borg. Cause I drink my earl-grey and it's lemon meringue-ey. I'm makin' more profits than any Ferengi. Chillin' on the holodeck, I'm calm and I'm serene. And word to Tasha Yar, I'm headin' for the big screen, because I'm Deep Space Nine-in', chillin' with Guinan, Makin' lots of Whoopi while my bald head is shinin', and I've got the world's best android calculator, named dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna-dunna Data! His body's bionic. His brain's positronic. Compared to Mr. Data, Albert Einstein's moronic. I'm the big bad baldie of the whole Federation, and I'll rock Q from here, to Farpoint Station! Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Rip in the worm hole! Uh, oh. Oh, no! Relax and you'll be fine here on Deep Space Nine. Now Bajor is nearer, with Colonel Kira orderin' more than, the av-er-age Bajoran. Quark is too quick, yo he's slick like Crisco. Fortunately, I am Captain Sisko. I got a shapeshifter named Odo at my side, He'll kick Quark's butt all over the promenade! AH-ha-ha-HA! Chief Miles O'Brien. His expertise flies the ship Defiant. An adventure? Doc Bashir will be in it, With an ol' man Dax, you know she's a Trill a minute! I got my son Jake, and he's hangin' with Nog, a shrimpy little troll, like Kermit the Frog. I got more class than Cardassians, and I cannot be the one to go out like Gul Dukat. Been hollin' nine-eleven since Wolf three-five-nine and it's so scary! Roddenberry! Word to Kai Opacca! Can I rock-a?! What's up, Quark? and Can we rock? What's up, Quark? Can we rock? What's up, Quark? Can we rock? What's up, Quark? Holo-Doc's attitude could be nicer, But still I gotta say to him, 'Hail Lord Schweitzer!' So Voyager's fine, with that Borg babe of mine, known an Seven-Of-Nine, assimilation's divine! Neelix, cookin' up the soup du-jour for Security Vulcan Tuvok 'Shakur'. Chakotay helps me to adapt. and Ensign Harry Kim is always getting kidnapped. The pilot Tom Paris is an egotist-er. Went out with both of the Delaney sisters. And I'm sure he'll wanna, get with Be'lanna, Torres Klingon-a, tryin' to reach nirvana. Searchin' and scannin' and cavortin', If we wanna get somewhere, then we better start warpin'. Captian Janeway's in command at the U-P-N. Stay tuned, up next is 'Platypus Man!' Can we rock? What's up, Doctor? Can we rock? What's up, Doctor? Can we rock? What's up, Doctor? Can we rock? What's up, Doctor? Jon Archer, the Captain about who I’m rappin’, well It just so happens to be me. I’m battlin’ All those, Suliban freaks who are feeding cheese to Porthos. Lieutantant Malcolm Reed rules the armory, Keeping harm from me and the rest of my guys. Trip’s con- -structions he’ll devise, we’ll function and surpise on this Funky Enterprise. Travis bustin’ through the skies. Maywea- -ther will forever helm wherever he flies. I See Doctor Phlox. A Denobulan medic who Blocks all the pox with a fox in a box. Hoshi’s Chillin’, decipherin’ all our prank calls from all the Klingons. “All your base are belong to us.” But she’s Not hot as T’Pol is. Vulcan flawless. Logic and a bod like Lucy Lawless. Fearless. Be back soon to save you again, Just as long as you remember that it’s on U.P.N.! Can we rock? What's up, Phlox? Can we rock? What's up, Quark? Can we rock? What's up, Riker? Can we rock? What's up, Spock? Aw yeah! Star Trek, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Enterprise style! Live long and prosper! We outta here! See ya!


The 6th album by 'the great Luke Ski' features such nerdy hits as "Vader Boy", "Grease Wars", "A Man Named Jayne", "Geeks of the Industry", "Sex Kittens From Mars", "Star Wars Prequel Homesick Blues", "The Spongy Dance", and more! Special guest appearances by Worm Quartet and the Nick Atoms!


released August 18, 2005

Cover art by John Kovalic




the great Luke Ski Burbank, California

"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .

Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.

The opinions expressed here are mine alone.
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