The Chainsaw Juggler
Based on the original 1999 version, written and performed by the Four Postmen [S. Marks]
Also contains content written for two other songs by the Four Postmen, "What's Your Favrit #, Baby?" and "A Gentleman's Heart" [S. Marks].

~~~

As performed by the great Luke Ski, featuring an all-star cameo cast of dementia stars, namely:

Whimsical Will of "The Dr. Demento Show"
Grant Baciocco of "Throwing Toasters"
"The Consortium of Genius" ['Drumbot', Dr. A. Rachnid, Dr. Pinkerton, Dr. Z., and Filbert]
Tom Smith
Robert Lund
Devo Spice of "Sudden Death"
Carrie Dahbly
Matt Dunn and Jeff Smith of "Raymond And Scum"
Rob Balder
ShoEboX of "Worm Quartet"
DJ Particle
Seamonkey
Bud Sharpe of "Possible Oscar"
Wyngarde of "The Nick Atoms"
Chris Mezzolesta of "Power Salad"
darkNES and DJ EYG of "the Gothsicles"
Timm and Chris Waffle of "Hot Waffles" [sampled]
and Art Paul Schlosser

~~~

Whimsical Will:
You know, Plutarch used to write often of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler. Hickapoy Indians documented the famed exploits of the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler in their smash banana-dye cave paintings. But never has the great and mysterious Chainsaw Juggler been more famous than during the filming of the "Texas Chainsaw Juggler Massacre". This next song's about a chainsaw juggler. It's called..."The Chainsaw Juggler". Rock out, dude.

Luke Ski:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
And how did you learn to kiss like that?
Said the man to his German shepherd.

It's not polite to talk when your mouth
Is full... of big bumblebees.
But it's quite okay to love your mom,
As long as you don't get her pregnant.

Everybody!

Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this song!

Grant Baciocco:
I ain't Oscar Meyer, but I'll give you my baloney!

Luke Ski:
Cross my heart, yes. Stick a finger in my eye, no.
But wife, I'm telling the truth...
I've slept with your sister, your mom and your dad,
And the second-best sex was you.

Oh, Rub-A-Dub-Dub, three men in a tub...
Need I say more?
Jack Sprat could eat no fat...
So he divorced her!

Everybody!

I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.
I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.

Drumbot:
This song is an Italian love ballad written entirely in Swahilian tongues...
Dr. A. Rachnid:
Which celebrates the much famed Genoan romanticism of the early 17th Century Postmaster General.
Dr. Pinkerton:
But it also delves pretty deeply into the pre-proletariat rise of the Venetian stamp-collecting regime under Benito Mussolini.
Dr. Z.:
And I think it was the great Greek philosopher Hysterectomy who said, "To be perfectly honest, I'm lying".

Luke Ski:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
I heard he died, but nobody cried,
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

Oh well, when in Rome...

Non compos mentis persona non grata
In vino veritas ad hoc. [*HAAACK-TOOI!*]
E Pluribus Unum, if to err is human,
Then boy, am I glad we're in charge!

Oh, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a nun and a Jew
Were stuck in a hot-air balloon.
It suddenly popped, and though they prayed as it dropped,
It proves that God hates us all!

Everybody!

Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this song!

Tom Smith:
And as the wise man stood on top of the hill, naked and disgusting and dirty and... naked... he shouted down to the angry
villagers far below. He said...

Robert Lund:
"You may have won the battle, but I'm... I'm out of ammunition!"

Devo Spice:
He said, "Life isn't a bowl of cherries, its... it's... ...okay, maybe it is."

Carrie Dahlby:
He said, "It's not the size that counts, it's the woman that counts the size!"

Matt Dunn:
He said, "You can't sue yourself for writing an unauthorized autobiography!"

Jeff Smith:
He said, "If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe you're a god damn loser!"

Rob Balder:
He said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether *I* win or lose."

ShoEboX:
He said, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water... unless it's floating face down."

DJ Particle:
He said, "If you can't beat 'em, let ME beat 'em!"

Seamonkey:
He said, "You can tell a lot about a man by how he strangles you!"

Bud Sharpe:
And lastly he said,

Wyngarde:
"Fight for peace! Make love, not war! Unless you love to kill!"

Bud Sharpe:
Right!

Tom Smith:
And as they stormed the mountain, and kicked him to death, he said one more thing. He said...

[simultaneously:]
Rob Balder:
"Ow! Stop kicking me! Ow! Not in the head! Ow! Ow, dammit, stop it! Stop kicking me!"
Robert Lund:
"Ow! Oooh! Aaah! Oh, not there! You're killing me! Oooh! Aaah-hoo-haa! Uhh! Oooh! Not the testicles!
Wyngarde:
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Carrie Dahlby:
"Ow! Not with the kicking! Bad! Not Good! Full of Fail! Stop! Dude! C'mon!
darkNES:
"Ouch! Oh God! Ow!... No! Ow! Not the cleets! Not the cleets!... Why do your shoes have spikes on them?!"
DJ EYG:
"Oh! Stop kicking me! Ow! No! Aah!... Stop kicking me! No, seriously, that hurts! Ow! Aah!"
[Wilhelm: AAAAAHHHHH!!!]

Chris Mezzolesta:
And as the Martian sat and waved from his driver seat window of his hovering Martian spaceship on his way back to Jupiter, he offered these parting words of advice. He said,

darkNES:
"Do yourself a favor and STOP THIS GOD DAMN SONG!!!"

DJ EYG:
But we couldn't...

Luke Ski:
Because we still didn't know...

Luke Ski, Chris Mezzolesta, Carrie Dahbly, Tom Smith, Rob Balder, DJ Particle, Seamonkey, & Devo Spice:
Whatever happened to the Chainsaw Juggler?
He was a good friend of mine.
I heard he died, but nobody cried,
Instead they all chopped off their arms!

Well, that sure makes sense, he was loved by his fans,
But tell me, how did he die?
Nobody knows, they found him alone
All bloody with his arms by his side.

Luke Ski:
Everybody!

Luke Ski, Chris Mezzolesta, Carrie Dahbly, Tom Smith, Rob Balder, DJ Particle, Seamonkey, & Devo Spice:
I know that there's something wrong with this song,
I just don't know what it could be.
Na na na na, nay nay nay nuh, nay nay nay nay...
There's something wrong with this,
something wrong with this,
something wrong with this,
...there's something wrong with this...

[the song falls apart in a dozen different directions. The following is heard amidst the chaos:]

Filbert:
Pardon moi, Dr. Pinkerton, I think there's something askew with this musical number.
Dr. Pinkerton:
Filbert, evidently there is, and you're to blame! Now fix it!
Filbert:
Okay I'll go ahead and fix it right now, [CRASH!] Oh, Farganargle! I didn't mean for that-aaahhh!!!...
Dr. Pinkerton:
Filbert! Filbert, come back here! FILBEEEERT!!!...

Carrie Dahlby:
Hey, there's nothing wrong with this song? What's wrong? What's wrong with this song? Waaah!... Yes Buffy, there is something wrong.
Devo Spice:
Why would you juggle chainsaws? Why wouldn't you juggle pins, or bowling balls? Even fire would be safer!

Timm Waffle: [sampled]
The slide whistle is not funny. Don’t do it.
Chris Waffle: [sampled]
4, 5, 6, 7, you dumbass!

Rob Balder: What is your...
Tom Smith: Fail.
Rob Balder: ...major malfunction...
Luke Ski: BROOKLYN!
Rob Balder: ...numbnuts?!
Carrie Dahlby: Meow!
Tom Smith: Do not want.
Power Salad: Jugular?
Luke Ski: Four Postmen dot com!
Devo Spice: There's something... WRONG!!!

Art Paul Schlosser:
Man, you guys really gotta work on that ending!