about
Written by Bob & Spaff at the FuMP .com, 6/3/2008
Back in the BRT days - Before Reality TV - television networks were forced to actually spend money on their programming, hiring actors and writing scripts. This was time-consuming and expensive, and often left frightful gaps in that prime-time window between "Mannix" and "Love American Style." Hence, the birth of a 1970s-era icon: the Variety Show. These star-studded musical/comedy extravaganzas were often little more entertaining than a test pattern, but viewers surprisingly tuned in, faced with the alternatives of game-show reruns and endless Watergate hearing coverage.
If you're too young to remember these spectacles, take heart: Ladies and gentlemen, Project Sisyphus is proud to present "FuMP-In," a re-creation of an authentic Variety Show in all its polyester-clad glory. Starring Luke Ski and Carrie Dahlby, it's a singing tribute to the artists of the FuMP from the good ol' days of sponsor-supported television.
The highlight of "FuMP-In" is the hosts' parody of "A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll" - the infamous Donny and Marie Osmond hit as reimagined by Spaff. The song by itself, incidentally, is available here.
Thanks to Tom Smith and Chris Mezzolesta for their delightful cameo appearances.
lyrics
"FuMP-In!" sketch, with "A Middle East Country, A Middle Earth Mountain Troll" lyrics:
Sketch written by the great Luke Ski, "A Little Bit Country" (Donnie & Marie) song parody lyrics by Spaff.
[Theme music begins, with cheering and applause]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Project Sisyphus proudly presents… An Evening With Spaff And Company…
Background singers: Spaff! Spaff! Can you dig it?
Announcer: Starring in… The Live Goodtime Tonight FuMP-IN Revue Show!… With your hosts, Luke Ski and Carrie Dahlby!
[Theme music switches to "Everything's A Song", Luke and Carrie sing:]
Carrie: Everything’s a song!
Luke: Everything’s a song!
Carrie & Luke: Just take a look around you!
Carrie: You just can’t go wrong!
Luke: Everything’s a song!
Carrie & Luke: The possibilities may astound you!
[singing switches to speaking]
Luke: That's right! Let's hear it once again for our astounding house band, Wyngarde and the Oscar Possibilities!
Carrie: Aren't they great?
[SFX: Music ends as applause swells, and then dies down]
[Luke & Carrie are like Dan Rowan & Goldie Hawn from Laugh-In]
Luke: Thank you! Thank you!
Carrie: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Luke: Welcome to another fun filled show. We have a lot of great stuff for you this week. First off, we'll have our resident storytellers the Robert Brothers, Lund & Balder, come on out and tell us the tall tale of Eric's coal mine.
Carrie: [In a French accent:] And then it will be off to the kitchen to cook up some fine cuisine with our resident chef, Deveaux Spice!
Luke: Tonight he'll show us how to make frozen dessert treats for all your emo teens, some delicious gothsicles.
Carrie: After that he'll whip up a power salad, with some hot waffles and soggy potato chips!
Luke: Throw in some toast for me!
Carrie: And some BACON?
Luke & Carrie: [laugh cheesily:] HA HA HA HAA!
[SFX: canned audience laughter]
Luke: After that it'll be time for everybody's favorite chimpanzee pirate, so gather the kiddies around the TV for a visit with Seamonkey!
[SFX: applause]
Carrie: He'll be showing the kids what he's got in his magical shoebox! Now doesn’t that sound like fun?
Luke: Then we'll go to our political corner with folk musician Tom Smith. He has a new ditty in which he compares our modern day politicians to a certain barnyard animal, and I think you'll all be surprised which one it is.
Carrie: Is it a pig?!
Luke: Uhm,… Yes.
Carrie: Wow! I never would have guessed that!
Luke: You just- *sigh*… Then we'll have a news report from Bob Ricci,
Carrie: A business report from Raymond Scum,
Luke: A weather report from Paul Storm,
Carrie: A science report from Dr. J. Particle,
Luke: An art report from Mr. Schlosser,
Carrie: He-said/she-said with Carl and Carla,
Luke: And to close out, we'll have that that big singing group with the positive attitude, the Flibbertigibbet Bards, with their new hit song, "Working In The Rest Of The References." Now doesn’t that sound like a great show?
[SFX: Applause]
[Carrie makes some quiet sort-of crying/whining/sad noises]
Luke: Carrie, what's wrong?
Carrie: I'm sad!
Luke: Well that's not right, can’t you see what a great show we have tonight?
Carrie: It's just that, how am I supposed to enjoy this high-quality network television variety programming when there is so much strife on the other side of the world?
Luke: Well, like what?
Carrie: Like the Iraqis and Iranians, the Sunnis and the Shiites, the noble houses who control all the melange, not to mention the sandworm attacks.
Luke: Carrie, you're confusing reality with the novel "Dune" again.
Carrie: Women are dumb!
Luke & Carrie: [laugh cheesily:] HA HA HA HAA!
[SFX: canned audience laughter]
Luke: Well there are many different factions out there, and their main problem seems to be that they can't come to realize that while they do have differences, they also have many things in common, and in finding those commonalties, they can grow to understand each other and put an end to their conflicts.
Carrie: But where can they all find these commonalties?
Luke: They can find them if they would all just read from… the good book.
Carrie: You mean, the good book by Frank Herbert?
Luke: Why of course not, you lovable dingbat! I'm talking about the good book by… J.R.R. Tolkien!
Carrie: Wow! Can we sing about it?
Luke: I thought you'd never make an obvious song cue!
credits
from
Target: Audience,
track released June 3, 2008
Sketch written by the great Luke Ski
Performed by the great Luke Ski & Carrie Dahlby
Cameo by Chris Mezzolesta
Music & production by Bob Emmet
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