This is a sketch where we explore what it would be like if other filmmakers besides Michael Bay were to make a film in the Transformers movie franchise.
Announcer: It is the year 2009. The treacherous Michael Bay has conquered the box office with another Transformers movie. Having grown tired of the complaints of both movie critics and the original Transformers fans for making such horrible films, he publicly states he will not be directing the next Transformers film. Now from secret staging warehouses all across Los Angeles, these valiant famous Hollywood directors prepare to retake the 300 million dollar franchise.
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Kevin Smith
Dante: Did you know my girlfriend can Transform into 37 different things?
Randall: In a row?
Dante: Who left this bong on the counter?
Randall: You mean, 'who *is* this bong on the counter?'
Dante: What?
[SFX: Transform noise]
JayFire: Transform and smoke out, TeleTran-svestites! JayFire and Silent Bot are in the house!
Dante: Will you guys get out of here?
JayFire: Not before we sell you some of our primo energon stash. Show 'em what you got, lunchbox!
[SFX: Transform noise]
Randall: Look at that, he actually transforms into a lunchbox.
Dante: I wasn't even supposed to transwarp here today!
JayFire: Decepti-nooch!
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Martin Scorcese
[Italian music plays softly in background]
[Other transformers murmur and laugh as Wheelie tells his funny story:]
Wheelie: So we're out in this field talking to Jetfire, and he's drooling and falling apart, and he says he used to be a Decepticon, but now he's an Autobot. And Spike says,
Rat Trap: His name's Sam.
Wheelie: Sam, Spike, like I give a [beep]. Anyway, he says, wait a minute, you can change sides if you wanna? And he says yeah. So I go over to Mikaela, and I say, hey, I wanna be an Autobot! And I grab her leg and I start goin' at it, you know? Humpin' it like that [beep]in' Chihuahua dog, right? And I say to her, "Who's your little Autobot? My name's Wheelie! Say my name, say my name!"… Yeah, yeah, and then Sam says, "What are you allowing to happen to your foot right now?" And then she says to him, "At least he's faithful!"… Yeah! At least he's faithful! Yeah, I'm faithful! Yeah, right!
Rat Trap: You're really funny, Wheelie. You're really funny.
Wheelie: What do you mean I'm funny?
Rat Trap: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
Wheelie: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
Rat Trap: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
Wheelie: I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown car? I got a bunch of grease-painted humans comin' out of every door, hood, and trunk space I got? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to [beep]in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Rat Trap: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
Wheelie: No, no, I don't know, you said it. You said I'm funny. What am I, Herbie Goes Bananas over here? What am I, Speed Buggy? Why don't I paint myself orange and speak in rhymes all the time, I bet that'll be funny for about 5 seconds! How the [beep] am I funny, what the [beep] is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
Rat Trap: [long pause] Get the [beep] out of here, Wheelie!
Wheelie: [everyone laughs] Ya mother[beep]er! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Rumble, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes. You may fold under questioning.
Rat Trap: Well at least I'm not voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.
[stunned "Oooohs!"]
Rumble: Whoa! This kid's got a lotta [beep]in' wrecking balls! Hey Rat Trap, this is for you. You don't take no shit from nobody. Wheelie, you gonna let this [beep]in' punk get away with that? What's this world comin' to?
[SFX: 6 lazer blasts]
Rat Trap: Aaaaaahh!
Wheelie: There, that's what the world is comin' to! How do you like that? All right?
Rumble: What's the [beep]in' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Wheelie, I'm kidding with you. What are you, a sick [beep]in' maniac?
Wheelie: How am I meant to know you're kidding? You breaking my [beep]in' balls?
Rumble: I'm [beep]in' kidding with you! You [beep]in' shoot the guy?
Soundwave: He's dead.
Wheelie: Good shot. What do you want from me? [beep]in' rat anyway. He Transforms into a rat.
Rumble: You stupid bastard, I can't [beep]in' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the [beep]in' hole. You're gonna do it.
Wheelie: Who the [beep] cares? I'll dig the [beep]in' hole. I don't give a [beep]. What is it, the first hole I dug? Where are the shovels?
Soundwave: That was really messed up, man.
Wheelie: Oh that means a lot, coming from an uncharismatic bore like you.
Rumble: Nobody calls Soundwave uncrazamatic!
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Spike Lee
Mudflap: This is combat, man! What's wrong with you?
Skids: It's supposed to hurt, it's an ass kickin'.
Jazz: Just look at you two!
Mudflap: Jazz!
Skids: I thought you were dead!
Jazz: That's what they want you to believe. Can't you see, you've been had!
Skids: Huh?
Jazz: Hoodwinked!
Mudflap: Whuzzuh?
Jazz: Bamboozeled!
Skids: Are those words?
Jazz: Led astray!
Mudflap: What's he talking about?
Jazz: Run amuck!
Skids: Huh?
Jazz: The Autobots didn't land on Planet Earth! Planet Earth landed on us!
Mudflap: Huh?
Jazz: Well don't you have anything to say for yourselves?
Skids: Aren't you the guy from that movie "Virtuosity"?
Jazz: No. Aren't you voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants?
Mudflap: Ah! He got you, man!
Skids: Shut up, man!
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Pixar
[SFX: Paul & Storm's "Randy Newman's Theme From" music plays]
Cybertron, Decepticons,
And Autobots that run on energon.
Lost a cube. Found by some rube.
Bumblebee sprayed John Turturo with lube.
Here comes Megatron, gonna scream and shout.
There's lots of humans characters no one cares about.
Nobody believed that they could win.
Go Optimus go!
You my friend.
Go Transformers go!
You got a reason to live.
Transform and roll out, Peter Cullen.
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Ed Wood
[SFX: Clip of "Gobots" Theme song]
[SFX: Transformers TV show Scene Change Music Sting]
Announcer: Transformers, directed by Joss Whedon
Spike: Hey Bumblebee, how's it going?
Bumblebee: [robogibberish]
Spike: You know, I've been through a lot since the Transformers came to earth. I've met a lot of crazy robot characters. But Bumblebee, I think it's safe to say, you're my favorite character.
Bumblebee: [robogibberish]
[SFX: A meteor lands on Bumblebee]
Spike: Oh my god! Bumblebee!
Optimus: Spike, what happened?
Spike: It's Sam, actually, uh… A meteor just fell from the sky and killed Bumblebee.
Optumus: He was a brave warrior, his gallantry will be missed.
Spike: With Bumblebee gone, I guess that mean's you're my favorite character now, Optimus.
Optimus: Well, that's very nice of you to say, gaaaah!
[SFX: lazer fire]
Spike: Oh my God! Optimus! No!
StarScream: Ha ha ha haaa! Hello, Spike!
Spike: It's Sam! You killed Optimus Prime!
StarScream: Yes, all the more securing me, StarScream, as the true leader of the Decepticons! Now, puny human, bow to me! Say that I'm your favorite!
Spike: Why would you be my favorite?
StarScream: Well, on the new animated series I am voiced by the guy who does Spongebob Squarepants.
Spike: Fair enough. Okay, you're my favorite character!
StarScream: There you have it! Not even Megatron is as exalted as I, wha- Megatron?!
[SFX: Megatron's gun fires] [We hear many cars and jets arrive, and transforming noises, and the sounds of many transformers talking]
Spike: What the? Why does? Huh? What? All the Autobots and Decepticons are here for an epic battle. Oh oh, I know, I know! Hey hey guess what? Everyone, guess what? You're all my favorites! I like you all equally! Eh? Eh?...
[SFX: Transformers murmur for a bit, and then all start spontaneously exploding]
Spike: No! Why are you all exploding?! Why is it every time I decide who my favorite character is, the character dies?!?! What kind of a sadistic bastard would do this to someone?! This is no way to run a universe! Noooo! They're dead! They're all dead! No…
Arcee: It's okay, I'm here for you.
Spike: Arcee?! You're alive!
Arcee: Of course I'm alive. I'm a girl!
Spike: Wait, what?
Arcee: Would you like a treatment?
Spike: Yes, yes I would like a treatment.
Arcee: Very good, come along, Spike.
Spike: Yes, I am Spike. Was I my best?
Arcee: Yes, you were your best.
Announcer: Now you know.
[SFX: Clip of G.I.Joe:"And knowing is half the battle! G.I. Joooee!"]
credits
from Too Much Stuff,
released August 13, 2009
Written, performed, & edited by the great Luke Ski
Sara Trice as Arcee
"Randy Newman" bit by Paul & Storm, stolen with their permission
"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs
about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .
Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.
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