In this song, possibly the most geek specific piece I've ever written, I do my best to encapsulate about a decade's worth of popular internet fads as well as the phenomenon of 'leet speak'. Joining me on this tasty endeavor is web ninja Rob Balder, who is playing a character who is the exact opposite of that. Special thanks to Carrie Dahlby for the assist in making my human jug band sound more like something resembling music. Yes, everything you hear in this song that is not Rob's voice is my voice. Also, this marks the first time I'm using a major profanity in a majorly released song, so consider yourself warned. But really, if you don't already know what the 'F' in the title stands for, then your truly are a n00b. [Cue the "The Price Is Right" tuba FAIL sting.]
Regular text = singing
Italicised text = spoken
(Italisized and in parenthesis = song direction, notes, SFX, etc.)
(Up tempo, country music, human jug-band starts, Bubba and the n00b have a conversation leading into the song, and throughout the song)
Bubba: Howdy y'all! Welcome to the Azeroth Upper Blackrock Spire Rookery Room Pot Luck Hoedown, other wise known as the Oh-
n00b: (interrupting) Hi! Being on a jury in a big file sharing case got me thinking maybe I should get on the internet. Can you catch me up on what I've missed so far?
Bubba: Sure thing, n00b!
n00b: 'n00b'? What's a 'n00b'?
Bubba: Now 'n00b' is short for 'newbie',
Which is you who I now greet.
'Round here I've got top status
Which is why they say I'm 'leet'.
Attempt to hack my system,
Or just try to guess my pass key,
I'll own ya, then I'll pwn ya,
Then say 'you can kiss my ASCII'!
I'll replace letters with numbers
To confuse some new outsider.
Eat up language like a sangwich
With a glass of Apple cipher!
My QWERTY is awful purty,
Typos are the thing to do,
At the Oh My God!
What The Fuck?!
Barbeque!
n00b: So this party's called what?
Bubba: Do I gotta spell everything out for ya? O-M-G-W-T-F-B-B-Q, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, one, exclamation point, one, one, exclamation point, O-N-E, exclamation point, eleven!
n00b: Now when you say 'leet', you mean short for 'elite'?
Bubba: Duh!
n00b: So is that spelled L-E-E-T?
Bubba: It's spelled 1-3-3-7! What? Didn't yer Daddy learn ya nothin?!
Bubba: If you're initially annoyed at how
I express the things I say,
S-T-F-U, ya S-O-B,
Or you'll end up D-O-A!
My B-F-F Mac Linux
Bought himself a new P.C.
But when he couldn't download FireFox,
He began to yell I-Eeeee!!!
n00b: Help me off my laughing butt!
Hand me a bacon, lettuce, and tomato!
Bubba: So you're orderin' a B-L-T,
Hold the L-M-A-O!
Servin' ROFLs like hot waffles,
O.J.s freshly 'squee!'-ed for you! (Girls: SQUEE!)
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!
n00b: What's that drumstick you're eating there?
Bubba: Snowy owl.
n00b: Oh really?
Bubba: Yeah, really!
n00b: Oh really?
Bubba: Yeah, really! Yeah, here, try some of this, here!
n00b: (eating) This is tasty! What is it?
Bubba: Pig snout.
n00b: (gag) Oh noes!
Bubba: Now I'm an uber haxxor
And I roxxor at these games.
I'm verbing nouns and nouning verbs
And screwin' with mundanes.
My cleric's alphanumerics
Stun the MMORPers, then I'm gone.
Gone fishin' on the internet
To catch a batch of pr0n!
n00b: A ceiling cat was watching me
Upload a private blog,
So I knocked 'em in the crock pot!
Sean Connery: Well, you're the man now, dog! (Leeroy: Yee-hah!)
Bubba: Sean Connery 'll get ornery, (SFX: fake bagpipe solo)
When you're cookin' up a Patrick Stew, (Patrick Stewart: Make it so!)
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!
Ceiling Cat: I has a flavor?
Bubba: Yer gol' dang right you has a flavor! You're farkin' delicious! (eats cat, gulp, ahh!)
(SFX: crunchy, mreaow)
Bubba: All right, it's time for teh fiddle solo!
n00b: Don't you mean the fiddle solo?
Bubba: NO! T-E-H! TEH! C'mon, pick it, Leeroy!
Leeroy: Alright chums, guns up let's do this! LEEEROOOOOYYY JEEENNNKIINNSS! Yee-haw!
(Bubba yells stuff in background during the bridge fiddle solo:)
Bubba: Oh snap!
Burninate that thing!
Take it to candy mountian!
That was an epic maneuver!
n00b: Hey there fellow, where's my cello,
So I can play and make a fuss?
Bubba: Well you see, in this place, all your bass,
All: ARE BELONG TO US! (Leeroy: Yee-hah!)
Bubba: Trade in your skillz for propane grillz,
We're killin' all your d00dz,
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!
Bubba: Hey code monkey! Pass the Fritos! (SFX: monkey screech)
Bubba: I go to cons, use emoticons,
And rule Warcraft through and through.
And if I killed your start-up player,
Well, it suxxorz to be you!
I'm for the win, I never fail,
You'll less than three me too!
At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
Bubba: Barbeque!
n00b: At the Oh My God!
All: What The Fuck?!
n00b: Barbeque!
Bubba: At the Oh My God!
n00b: What The Fuck?!
All: Baaaar…
beeee…
quuuue!
Bubba: O-M-G!
Double-U!
T-F-B-B-Q!
Yee-haw!
n00b: I'm still hungry. I can has cheezburger?
Bubba: Allright, fine. Here you go. You earned it.
n00b: w00t!
(Background singers: This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny!)
Leeroy: At least I got chicken!
credits
from Target: Audience,
track released November 13, 2007
Lyrics, Music, & Vocals by the great Luke Ski
Guest appearance by Rob Balder
"the great Luke Ski" is The Dr. Demento Show's most requested artist of the 21st Century. His parodies and original songs
about pop-culture have made him a favorite performer at fandom conventions all across the country. Founding member of The Funny Music Project, aka 'the FuMP' .com .
Luke Ski is an animation Storyboarder, Writer, & Voice-Over Actor.
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