It’s A Fanboy Christmas II: The Wrath Of Claus
A medley of mini parodies of Christmas songs about fannish topics.

Written by the great Luke Ski
© 2007 Luke Sienkowski

(SFX: Jingle bells)
Santa: (laughing:) Ho Ho Ho! Oh, ho ho ho ho! (etc.)
(V For Venison – a spoken piece based on “V For Vendetta”)
(spoken: V:)

Remember, remember, the 25th of December,
The reindeer and Rudolph and plot.
I see no reason the holiday season
Should ever be forgot…

…Fantastic fen, file in fast for this fanciful frolicking through fandom’s fabulous frivolities of festive times of the fantastic future! While first and foremost a fallacy, fear not as this farcical fop felicitates to you, “It’s A Fanboy Christmas II: The Wrath Of Claus”! Ho ho ho hooo!!!!

(music starts, same as intro to IAFX, leading into standard chorus from IAFX)
(Classic IAFX Chorus to start things off)

It’s A Fanboy Christmas, through Narnia’s grand canyons.
The Doctor and Mal Reynolds, are snuggling their companions.
And who’s that dressed as Santa? It’s merry Mr. Worf. (Worf: Ho ho!)
But he don’t need no elves in green, ‘cause he’s got a Red Dwarf. (Lister: Have some smeg nog!)

(intro music begins for “Darth Vader’s My Dad”, mini-skit is heard over it)
(MINI-SKIT – Anakin, the Red-Sabred Jedi)

Palpatine: Anakin, with your sabre so red, won’t you make the younglings dead?

(Darth Vader’s My Dad - to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”)

Darth Vader’s my Dad… Darth Vader’s my Dad…
Darth Vader’s my Dad, he told me after he chopped off my hand.
The Emp’ror’s comrade… Evil? Just a tad…
In black he is clad, like he’s in some sci-fi heavy metal band.
Why does he fulfil every scary Sith wish?
Why can’t he cool out with some dairy in Swiss Miss?
And now the rebels, they are very pissed, this
Station will get blown apart!

(Winter Wonder Woman - to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Snow falls down, on Metropolis.
Who’s that girl, almost topless?
Fighting for your rights, in her satin tights,
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.
She’ll lasso, get the truth, or
Smack around, Mister Luthor.
No pajamas on, this hot amazon,
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.

See her showing off her bod, so curvy,
In her starry spangled underwear.
You might think that makes me kind of pervy,
But frankly I don’t really frickin’ care.

Later on, if my plan’s good,
She’ll see my Super-man-hood.
It’s her I’ll intrigue, ‘cause I’m in her league.
Walking with a winter Wonder Woman.

(MINI-SKIT - The Frosty Horror Picture Show)

Dr. Frank N. Furter: Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator! And step up the reactor power input three more points!
(SFX: RHPS Gitaur hook and thunder clap)
Frosty: Happy birthday!
Dr. Frank N. Furter: Oh, Frosty!

(Frodo The Hobbit - to the tune of “Frosty The Snowman”)

Frodo the Hobbit, was along way from the Shire,
Dodging orcs and crooks through a couple books,
Just to get to Mordor’s fire.
Frodo The Hobbit, was accompanied by Sam.
Helping Frodo out, he was short and stout,
Like a big ol’ Christmas ham.
There must have been some magic in that one ring Bilbo found.
For when Frodo held it up high, Gollum Knocked him to the ground!
(spoken: Gollum: The precious! Frodo: Aah! My hand!)
Frodo the Hobbit, is alive and doing fine.
Off in magic lands, using both his hands,
Just so he can count to nine.

(I Want A Classic Optimus For Christmas - to the tune of “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas”)

I want a classic Optimus for Chirstmas.
Only that mighty autobot will do.
The big trailer truck, with cool accessories,
Not the robo-monkey flinging energon feces.
I want a classic Optimus for Christmas.
Not the one from Generation Two.
The one from the cartoon, that always saved the day,
Not the T-2 rip-off courtesy of Michael Bay,
Because we all agree he’s really gay!

(MINI-SKIT – It’s A Wonderful Curse)
(SFX: Bell ringing)
Little Girl: Do you hear that daddy? Every time a bell rings, an “Angel” rerun is shown on TNT!

(Simon And River Are Wanted Hoods - to the tune of “Over The River And Through The Woods”)

Simon and River are wanted hoods, on a Firefly ship they go, whee!
With Inara the hooker, and old Shpeherd Book, they are talking their orders from Zoe.
Simon and River help smuggle goods, like medicine, food, and more.
Wash said as he grinned, “I’m a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar!”

(Ruttin’ For Christmas - to the tune of “Nuttin’ For Christmas”)

I painted Mal’s brown coat turquoise. Somebody snitched on me.
Did naughty things with Wash’s toys. Somebody snitched on me.
‘Cause of River’s psychic power, Mal found out I spent an hour,
Spyin’ on Kaylee in the shower, Somebody snitched on me.

So, I’m getting ruttin’ SQUAT for Christmas.
Mal and Inara are mad. Gorram it!
I’m getting’ ruttin’ SQUAT for Christmas.
‘Cause Jayne here ain’t nothin’ but bad!

(MINI-SKIT – Twas The Jayne Before Christmas)

Wash: Cheer up, Jayne! Here, have a holiday treat!
Jayne: Fruitcake Oaty Bars?
Wash: Yeah! They make a man out any creature that’s stirring, even a mouse!
Jayne: Shiny!

(O Silly Knight - to the tune of “O Holy Night”)

(King Arthur:)
O silly knight,
Give entrance to this castle,
I seek the Grail,
And any other sacred trinkets.

(French Taunter:)
O Arthur King,
I fart in your direction,
Now go away,
Before I taunt your silly English Ka-nig-its!

(SFX: Cow Catapult)
(spoken: King Arthur & Knights: Run away! Run away!)

(The First, Joel - to the tune of “The First Noel”)

On the Satellite of Love, far above Deep 13,
Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo mock schlock on the screen.
During a holiday break from Doc Forrester’s worst,
Got a visit from the guy who was up there first.
Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el.
Is he conscious or sleeping, it’s so hard to tell.
Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el, Jo-el.
Far superior to Swayze or Kim Catrell.

(MINI-SKIT – A Pirate Carol)

Scrooge: You there, young lad, what day is it?
Cap’n Tom Smith: Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Pirates: ARRRR!!! (general pirate camaraderie noises)
(music for “Here We Go A Plundering” kicks off)
Scrooge: Then I haven’t missed it, ya mangy bilge rats! Kungaloosh!

(Here We Go A Plundering - to the tune of “Here We Go A Wassailing”)

Here we go a plundering the coast on Christmas Day,
Here we go a plundering the Caribbean way.
When you’re with Captain Jack,
You’re like Santa with his sack,
‘Cept you’re taking all the presents, food, and rum, and every wench,
like a sexy, savvy, pirate Mr. Grinch! Yo-Ho Ho Ho!

(Sylar Claus Is Coming To Town - to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

You better watch out, and stay on your toes,
If you got strange powers just like ‘Heroes’,
Sylar Claus is coming to town.
With Mohinder’s list of genetic freaks,
He’ll haxxor their brains like internet geeks.
Sylar Claus is coming to town.
If Isaac paints the future, in comic books for free,
Why doesn’t Hiro just stop time, and go hang out with Stan Lee?
They’re saving the world, on N B C,
So please won’t you save the cheerleader for me?
Sylar Claus is coming to town!

(MINI-SKIT – It’s A Wonderful Leap)

Jimmy Stuart: Life just sucks. I’m gonna kill myself by taking a Quantum Leap off of this bridge.
(SFX: Quantum Leap body-inhabiting sound)
Jimmy Stuart: What in blazes?
Dr. Sam Beckett: Al, where am I? When am I? Who am I?
(SFX: Ziggy sound effects)
Al: According to Ziggy, there’s a 93.27% chance your name is Clarence, and you’re an angel-in-training sent here to keep Jimmy Stuart from killing himself.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Sir, don’t you see it’s a wonderful life? I’ll jump off this bridge myself to prevent you from doing it! What do you say?
Jimmy Stuart: Are you kidding? I’m on the bridge with Captain Archer! Can I have your autograph?

(You’re A Weird One, Doctor Phlox - to the tune of “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”)

You’re a weird one, Doctor Phlox.
Your character’s a crock!
You’re just a cross between Neelix and the Holographic Doc,
Doctor Phlo-ox!…
(spoken:) Your premise is so derivitively illogical that you got…
…bitch-slapped by Spock!

(Spoo Christmas - to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

Londo: I’ll have a Spoo Christmas, without you…
Vir: Mister Mollari!
Londo: Quiet Vir! I’m singing!
I’ll have a Spoo Christmas, without you…
Vir: What does any of that mean?
Londo: Nothing, but how else were we going to work “Babylon 5” into this bit?
Decorations of, purple! On a green Christmas tree…
Drazi: Purple! Green!
Londo: It won’t be the same, Vir,
If you don’t partake in little blue balls of meat!
Vir: Do the Vorlons celeberate Christmas?
Londo: No, I think they’re Jewish, they all seem a bit KOSH-er! Ah ha ha!
Kosh: Ugh, lousy pun.

(Exterminate – to the tune of “Gloria”)
(All vocalists are ring-modulated Daleks:)

E-e-e-e-e-e-exterminate!
Daleks hunt the Doctor!
E-e-e-e-e-e-exterminate!
With our deadly toilet plunger!

(MINI-SKIT – A Cthulu Story)

Cthulu: I, Cthulu, the great old one, has returned to destroy humanity!
Kid 1: Hey Cthulu! I dare you to stick your tentacles on this frozen flagpole!
Cthulu: Spare me your childish jibes, for soon I will devour the flesh of the innocents!
Kid 1: I triple dog dare you!
Other kids: Oooooh!!!
Cthulu: Very well…
(SFX: splotch!)
Cthulu: (muffled:) There, you see- Stuck? I’m stuck! Help! I’m stuck to the flagpole! Get me off of this thing! Raphie! Ralphie! C’mon Ralphie! Help me get off of this thing! I’ll get you that rifle you want! I’ll eat your neighbor’s dogs!
Other kids: (laughing)
Kid 1: Good luck devouring the world, squid-face!

(Have Yourself A Merri Fanboy Christmas - to the tune of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)

Have yourself a Merri and Pippin Christmas,
Halflings full of mead.
Second-breakfast presents, mistletoe pipeweed… (spoken: But seriously folks…)
Have yourself a very Fanboy Christmas,
Every single day.
That next big convention isn’t far away…
Every trooper and Starfleet dude, eating Consuite food, and beer.
Doing things we ain’t speakin’ of, every weekend of the year.
Through the years, we’ve all become a family, so let’s make this vow.
Spread all the love, peace, and happiness you can endow.
And have yourself a Merry Fanboy Christmas, now.

(music changes to piano and tempo increase outro, just like IAFX, with these bit spoken over them)
(Twas The Before Fish-mas – a spoken piece based on “Twas The Night Before Christmas”)

And I heard them exclaim this last holiday wish;
“To all humans, so long, and thanks for all the fish!”

(MINI-SKIT – A Martian Story)

Marvin: Mr. Santa Claus! For Christmas, I would like an illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator!
Santa: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!