“Grease Wars”
A medley of parodies of songs from the musical “Grease”,
About “Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope”.
Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski, © 2005 Luke Sienkowski

DIALOGUE: that is Italicized, is spoken, not sung.


(Opening music of Star Wars movies, segueing into the opening music of the song “Grease”)
*SFX: Blockade runner battle*

“Force” (to the tune of “Grease opening”)

LEIA:
A long time ago in a galaxy far away,
The rebels stole some plans, led by me, Princess Leia.
The Empire chased us down in ships of steel,
Darth Vader led the troops, based on what he could feel.

VADER:
Force is the word!

LEIA:
Force is the word, is the word, that you heard.
It’s a groove in that meanie.
Force can be good,-

VADER:
-or be bad in a Sith Lord.
Force is the way you are feeling.

LEIA:
Force is the word… (“is the word” echoes)

*SFX: R2-D2 noises*
C-3PO: How did I get into this mess, I really don’t know how.

“Hopelessly Devoted to R2” (to the tune of “Hopelessly Devoted to You”)

C-3PO:
We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.
What mission are you talking about? Not I!
We’ll go our separate ways,
But of course Jawas in space intrude, *SFX: R2-D2 noises*
I’m hopelessly devoted to R2.

*SFX: Jawas attack, interior of Jawa Transport*

But now, we’re caught in this trap
We’ll be melted down for scrap,
We’re doomed, lost my head, but still,
I’m hopelessly devoted to R2… *SFX: R2-D2 noises*
Hopelessly devoted to R2-D2!

*SFX: Jawa babble*
UNCLE OWEN: All right, shut up, I’ll take these two.

“Luke, That’s Me on Tattooine” (to the tune of “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee”)

LUKE:
Luke, that’s me, on Tattooine,
Keeping vaporators clean.
Can’t go to school, ‘cause my uncle’s a fool.
Stuck trapped, on Tattooine!

*SFX: R2 playing skipping message (partial)*

What the…? Hey! Let that message play,
For some hermit, old and grey,
Called Obi-Wan. Is it Ben? Now he’s gone!
R2 went on his way-ay-ay…

*SFX: Sandpeople attack*

“Sandpeople” (to the tune of “Sandy”)

LUKE:
Oh, Sandpeople hate me! Go away! I gotta find Obi-Wan.

*SFX: Obi-Wan scares off Sandpeople*

OBI-WAN:
They scare, easily, don’t be afraid little one.
I knew your Dad, a Jedi Knight, until murdered was he,
By Darth Vader, ‘wink’, now this message…

*SFX: R2 playing skipping message (partial)*
LUKE: I saw part of the message he was…
OBI-WAN: I seem to have found it.

OBI-WAN:
So let’s see.

“Obi-Wan That I Want” (to the tune of “You’re The One That I Want”)

LEIA:
I need help, General Kenobi. I put the- Death Star plans
In your hands. Please help our nation, destroy the station! (echoes three times)

OBI-WAN: Hmm, I sense much reverb in her.

LEIA:
You better help out, ‘cause you served my Dad.
Now he begs you to set us free.
Please take this droid, way out to Alderaan.
My Dad will know how to retrieve.
Ewan, Alec, hey, it’s all the same to me.



It’s Obi-Wan that I want!
(Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh, help me!
Obi-Wan that I want!
(Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh, Kenobi!
Obi-Wan that I want!
(Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh!
I just can’t cope! (Just can’t cope!)
You’re my only hope! (Only hope!)

“Luke, That’s Me, On Tattooine (reprise)” (to the tune of “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee (reprise)”)

LUKE:
Luke, that’s me, it’s time to flee.
There’s nothing left here now for me.
Relatives fried. Now that they both have died,
I’ll be a Jedi like Obi!

*SFX: Landspeeder entering Mos Eisley, interior ambience noise of cantina*

Luke, that’s me, in this wretched bee-
Hive of scum and villainy.
Let’s catch a ride. Hope we’ll find one inside.
Goodbye to Tattooine!

HAN: Chewie here tells me you’re looking for passage to the Alderaan system.
OBI-WAN: Yes, indeed. If it’s a fast ship.
HAN: Fast ship?

“Greased Falcon” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’”)

HAN:
Well this ship is smuggler flyin’, it’s cavern divin’, it’s HYYYperdrivin’,
Why, it’s the Greased Falcon!

LUKE: Greased Falcon?

HAN:
She’ll go point-five past light speed, and make the ladies wince.
She’ll rock ya, with Chewbacca!
She’ll out run all of your Imperial entanglements.
So step on in, just let the Wookie win.
Yeah, she’s got it where it counts, long as you pay my amounts.
So fork over ten grand, I’ll take you to Alderaan
In Greased Falcon!

GUYS:
Han Solo, go go go go go go go go… Go!

HAN:
Go, Greased Falcon, you’re burnin’ up the Kessel run.

GUYS:
Greased Falcon, go Greased Falcon!… Go!

HAN:
You’ll never find a faster ship in this Millennium.

GUYS:
Greased Falcon, go Greased Falcon!

HAN:
Greedo’s the worst!

GUYS:
Huh huh!

*SFX: Greedo laughing*

HAN:
I shot first!

GUYS:
Huh huh!

*SFX: Blaster shot, thud*

HAN:
Greased Falcon!

GUYS:
Han Solo, go go go go go go go go…

“Watch My Home Go Kaboom” (to the tune of “There Are Worse Things I Could Do”)

LEIA:
Gov’nor Tarkin had a plan. Set his sights on Alderaan.
What could I do? I had to lie. Said “Dantooine”, but the guy
Told me “syc” and then saw it through.
But the worst thing I could do,
Is watch my home go ka-boom.

HAN: Our position is correct, except no Alderaan. There’s another ship coming in.
BEN: It’s an Imerial Fighter.
LUKE: Look at him. He’s heading for that small moon.

“That’s No Moon” (to the tune of “Blue Moon”)

OBI-WAN:
That’s no moon! (That’s no moon, that’s no moon)
It’s a space station, oh no! (That’s no moon, that’s no moon)
You better turn the ship around. (That’s no moon, that’s no moon)

HAN:
I can’t! The tractor beam has locked us down.

VADER: I want every part of this ship checked.
LUKE: Boy, it’s lucky you had these compartments.
*SFX: Chewie yells, taking the trooper station*
OBI-WAN: I must go alone.
*SFX: R2-D2 noises*
C-3PO: He says he’s found Princess Leia.
LUKE: The Princess?! She’s here?!

“We’ll Go To Get Her” (to the tune of “We Go Together”)

LUKE:
We’ll go to get her, like a super dooper trooper who is called TK-421!
Sneak up and rescue her, with Chewbacca, prisoner transfer, cell block 1-1-3-8!
While Ben shuts down the tractor beam, we can go set her free!
R2, yeah!

HAN:
I’d rather forget her, and sit here, right on my butt and wait for the fossil now.

LUKE:
But you like cash better, like moolah moolah moolah, pay off Jabba the Hutt, she’s rich!
Bling bling, money, ka-ching, c’mon! Save her then find Obi-Wan.
Wa-wa-wa-wan!

*SFX: Skirmish arriving at the cel block*
LEIA: Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?

“Jedi Knights” (to the tune of “Summer Nights”)

HAN:
Death Star station, stuck, bored as Hell,

LEIA:
Interrogation, trapped in my cell.

HAN:
I saved a girl, crazy for me.

LEIA:
He was my ride, unfortunately.

HAN & LEIA:
In the trash, about to be mashed,
Because of those Jedi Knights.

GUYS & GIRLS:
Well-a, well-a, well-a, huh!

GUYS:
Tell me more, tell me more!

HAN:
Yeah, she’s curvy, not flat.

GIRLS:
Tell me more, tell me more

LEIA:
His best friend is a rat.




~~~
GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo.
*SFX: Chewbacca roars*
LEIA: Will somebody get this walking carpet out of my way?!
HAN: Absolutely, your worshipfulness!!

~~~
GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo.
HAN:
Back to the ship, a plan I was scheming.

~~~
GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo.
LEIA:
He ran blasting, yelling and screaming.

~~~
GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Dooooo!
HAN:
Stormtroopers came, I took ‘em down.

~~~
GUYS & GIRLS: Doo, do-bop bop bop! Doo, do-bop bop bop!
LEIA:
Me and Luke, were swingin’ around!

*SFX: kiss*
HAN: Eww…

~~~
HAN & LEIA:
What a trip! Got in the ship,
But look! Fighting Jedi Knights!

*SFX: light sabre battle*

GUYS & GIRLS:
Well-a, well-a, well-a, huh!

GIRLS:
Tell me more, tell me more!

LEIA:
You scruffy looking nerf herder!

GUYS:
Tell me more, tell me more!

HAN:
Saving this chick is murder!

*SFX: Han blasts a trooper*
TROOPER: Ugh!
*SFX: thud*
HAN: It was a boring chorus anyway.


“Jedi School Drop-Out” (to the tune of “Beauty School Drop-Out”)

*SFX: light sabre hum*

OBI-WAN:
Your story’s sad to tell, a space-age ne’er-do-well.
Most mixed-up former slave boy in the stars.
Your future was unclear then.
In you we sensed much fear then.
Now your outfit hides your soul and battle scars.

YODA (background vocal):
Oh, oh, oh, oh, la la la la la la la!

Jedi School drop-out, no chamber council seat for you.
Jedi School drop-out, knocked up the Senator of Naboo.
Well you led the Sith in genocide, a twisted evil hellion.
And thanks to that now both your kids are part of the rebellion.

YODA: Shh!

VADER:
I was the learner,

YODA (background vocal):
You were the learner.

VADER:
But now, Kenobi, I’m the master.

OBI-WAN:
Only of evil,

YODA (background vocal):
Only of evil.

OBI-WAN:
Which is why your life’s a disaster.
If you strike me down, I’ll blow this town, for me please shed no tears.
Gotta be goin’ to that sequel, in four years.

YODA (background vocal):
Ah, ha ah ha.

*SFX: light sabre slash*
LUKE: Nooo!!!
*SFX: blaster fire*
LEIA: C’mon Luke, it’s too late!
OBI-WAN: Run, Luke, run!
*SFX: Falcon taking off*
HAN: C’mon, buddy, we’re not out of this yet.





“Greased Falcon (bridge)” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’” bridge sequence)

*SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.*

~~~

HAN: You hear me baby? Hold together.

*SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.*

~~~

HAN: (laughing) Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

*SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.*

~~~

LUKE: Got him! I got him!
HAN: Great, kid. Don’t get cocky!

*SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.*

WILLARD: Princess! Thank goodness you’re safe!
*SFX: R2-D2 noises*

“Red Five” (to the tune of “Hand Jive”)

DODONNA:
Now listen up to this battle plan.
Take an X-Wing Fighter, just one man.
Zoom on down into that trench,
And smell that thermal exhaust port stench.
Cause a chain reaction will sure be neat-o,
If you target your proton torpedo!

*SFX: X-wing fighters, maybe with R2*

LUKE:
A harder mission I can’t surmise,
But I used to bullseye womp rats that size.
Just like beggar’s canyon back home,
But suddenly I feel all alone.
How was I the only one to survive?
I’m standing by, and they call me Red Five!

EVERYBODY:
R2, Red Five, baby!

*SFX: R2-D2 noises*

EVERYBODY:
R2, Red Five, baby!

LUKE:
Oh yeah!

“Greased Falcon (reprise)” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’” end sequence)

LUKE: This is Red 5, I’m going in.
OBI-WAN: Luke, trust your feelings.
*SFX: R2 gets shot*
LUKE: I lost R2!
TARKIN: You may fire when ready.
OBI-WAN: Use the force, Luke.
VADER: I have you now.
*SFX: blaster, explosion*
VADER: What?!
HAN: Yee-hoooooo!
*SFX: Vader’s ship knocked off course*
HAN: You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home!
*SFX: proton torpedo shot*
*SFX: Death Star explosion!*

GUYS:
Go…

HAN:
Go Skywalker, destroyin’ the Empire base!

GUYS:
Skywalker, go Skywalker! Go…

HAN:
Go Skywalker, you’re saving all of outer space!

GUYS:
Skywalker, go Skywalker!

HAN:
Blew them to hell,

GUYS:
Huh huh!

HAN:
A-with some help,

GUYS:
Huh huh!

HAN:
From Greased Falcon!

GUYS:
Falcon! Falcon! Falcon!
Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! Falcon!
FALCOOOON!




“Jedi Knights (reprise)” (to the tune of “Summer Nights” end sequence)

LEIA:
Battle’s over, that’s where it ends.

HAN:
Blew off Jabba, to save my friends.

LEIA:
Here’s some medals, for fighting clones.

HAN:
Time to make, “Indiana Jones”.

HAN & LEIA:
Star Wars dreams, on movie screens.
But, oh, those Je-edi Kni-ights!

EVERYBODY:
Use the force, use the for-…-or-or-or-…or-or-orce!