“Grease Wars” A medley of parodies of songs from the musical “Grease”, About “Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope”. Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski, © 2005 Luke Sienkowski DIALOGUE: that is Italicized, is spoken, not sung. (Opening music of Star Wars movies, segueing into the opening music of the song “Grease”) *SFX: Blockade runner battle* “Force” (to the tune of “Grease opening”) LEIA: A long time ago in a galaxy far away, The rebels stole some plans, led by me, Princess Leia. The Empire chased us down in ships of steel, Darth Vader led the troops, based on what he could feel. VADER: Force is the word! LEIA: Force is the word, is the word, that you heard. It’s a groove in that meanie. Force can be good,- VADER: -or be bad in a Sith Lord. Force is the way you are feeling. LEIA: Force is the word… (“is the word” echoes) *SFX: R2-D2 noises* C-3PO: How did I get into this mess, I really don’t know how. “Hopelessly Devoted to R2” (to the tune of “Hopelessly Devoted to You”) C-3PO: We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life. What mission are you talking about? Not I! We’ll go our separate ways, But of course Jawas in space intrude, *SFX: R2-D2 noises* I’m hopelessly devoted to R2. *SFX: Jawas attack, interior of Jawa Transport* But now, we’re caught in this trap We’ll be melted down for scrap, We’re doomed, lost my head, but still, I’m hopelessly devoted to R2… *SFX: R2-D2 noises* Hopelessly devoted to R2-D2! *SFX: Jawa babble* UNCLE OWEN: All right, shut up, I’ll take these two. “Luke, That’s Me on Tattooine” (to the tune of “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee”) LUKE: Luke, that’s me, on Tattooine, Keeping vaporators clean. Can’t go to school, ‘cause my uncle’s a fool. Stuck trapped, on Tattooine! *SFX: R2 playing skipping message (partial)* What the…? Hey! Let that message play, For some hermit, old and grey, Called Obi-Wan. Is it Ben? Now he’s gone! R2 went on his way-ay-ay… *SFX: Sandpeople attack* “Sandpeople” (to the tune of “Sandy”) LUKE: Oh, Sandpeople hate me! Go away! I gotta find Obi-Wan. *SFX: Obi-Wan scares off Sandpeople* OBI-WAN: They scare, easily, don’t be afraid little one. I knew your Dad, a Jedi Knight, until murdered was he, By Darth Vader, ‘wink’, now this message… *SFX: R2 playing skipping message (partial)* LUKE: I saw part of the message he was… OBI-WAN: I seem to have found it. OBI-WAN: So let’s see. “Obi-Wan That I Want” (to the tune of “You’re The One That I Want”) LEIA: I need help, General Kenobi. I put the- Death Star plans In your hands. Please help our nation, destroy the station! (echoes three times) OBI-WAN: Hmm, I sense much reverb in her. LEIA: You better help out, ‘cause you served my Dad. Now he begs you to set us free. Please take this droid, way out to Alderaan. My Dad will know how to retrieve. Ewan, Alec, hey, it’s all the same to me. It’s Obi-Wan that I want! (Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh, help me! Obi-Wan that I want! (Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh, Kenobi! Obi-Wan that I want! (Obi’s the one I want!) Ooh ooh ooh! I just can’t cope! (Just can’t cope!) You’re my only hope! (Only hope!) “Luke, That’s Me, On Tattooine (reprise)” (to the tune of “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee (reprise)”) LUKE: Luke, that’s me, it’s time to flee. There’s nothing left here now for me. Relatives fried. Now that they both have died, I’ll be a Jedi like Obi! *SFX: Landspeeder entering Mos Eisley, interior ambience noise of cantina* Luke, that’s me, in this wretched bee- Hive of scum and villainy. Let’s catch a ride. Hope we’ll find one inside. Goodbye to Tattooine! HAN: Chewie here tells me you’re looking for passage to the Alderaan system. OBI-WAN: Yes, indeed. If it’s a fast ship. HAN: Fast ship? “Greased Falcon” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’”) HAN: Well this ship is smuggler flyin’, it’s cavern divin’, it’s HYYYperdrivin’, Why, it’s the Greased Falcon! LUKE: Greased Falcon? HAN: She’ll go point-five past light speed, and make the ladies wince. She’ll rock ya, with Chewbacca! She’ll out run all of your Imperial entanglements. So step on in, just let the Wookie win. Yeah, she’s got it where it counts, long as you pay my amounts. So fork over ten grand, I’ll take you to Alderaan In Greased Falcon! GUYS: Han Solo, go go go go go go go go… Go! HAN: Go, Greased Falcon, you’re burnin’ up the Kessel run. GUYS: Greased Falcon, go Greased Falcon!… Go! HAN: You’ll never find a faster ship in this Millennium. GUYS: Greased Falcon, go Greased Falcon! HAN: Greedo’s the worst! GUYS: Huh huh! *SFX: Greedo laughing* HAN: I shot first! GUYS: Huh huh! *SFX: Blaster shot, thud* HAN: Greased Falcon! GUYS: Han Solo, go go go go go go go go… “Watch My Home Go Kaboom” (to the tune of “There Are Worse Things I Could Do”) LEIA: Gov’nor Tarkin had a plan. Set his sights on Alderaan. What could I do? I had to lie. Said “Dantooine”, but the guy Told me “syc” and then saw it through. But the worst thing I could do, Is watch my home go ka-boom. HAN: Our position is correct, except no Alderaan. There’s another ship coming in. BEN: It’s an Imerial Fighter. LUKE: Look at him. He’s heading for that small moon. “That’s No Moon” (to the tune of “Blue Moon”) OBI-WAN: That’s no moon! (That’s no moon, that’s no moon) It’s a space station, oh no! (That’s no moon, that’s no moon) You better turn the ship around. (That’s no moon, that’s no moon) HAN: I can’t! The tractor beam has locked us down. VADER: I want every part of this ship checked. LUKE: Boy, it’s lucky you had these compartments. *SFX: Chewie yells, taking the trooper station* OBI-WAN: I must go alone. *SFX: R2-D2 noises* C-3PO: He says he’s found Princess Leia. LUKE: The Princess?! She’s here?! “We’ll Go To Get Her” (to the tune of “We Go Together”) LUKE: We’ll go to get her, like a super dooper trooper who is called TK-421! Sneak up and rescue her, with Chewbacca, prisoner transfer, cell block 1-1-3-8! While Ben shuts down the tractor beam, we can go set her free! R2, yeah! HAN: I’d rather forget her, and sit here, right on my butt and wait for the fossil now. LUKE: But you like cash better, like moolah moolah moolah, pay off Jabba the Hutt, she’s rich! Bling bling, money, ka-ching, c’mon! Save her then find Obi-Wan. Wa-wa-wa-wan! *SFX: Skirmish arriving at the cel block* LEIA: Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper? “Jedi Knights” (to the tune of “Summer Nights”) HAN: Death Star station, stuck, bored as Hell, LEIA: Interrogation, trapped in my cell. HAN: I saved a girl, crazy for me. LEIA: He was my ride, unfortunately. HAN & LEIA: In the trash, about to be mashed, Because of those Jedi Knights. GUYS & GIRLS: Well-a, well-a, well-a, huh! GUYS: Tell me more, tell me more! HAN: Yeah, she’s curvy, not flat. GIRLS: Tell me more, tell me more LEIA: His best friend is a rat. ~~~ GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo. *SFX: Chewbacca roars* LEIA: Will somebody get this walking carpet out of my way?! HAN: Absolutely, your worshipfulness!! ~~~ GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo. HAN: Back to the ship, a plan I was scheming. ~~~ GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo doo, doo doo. LEIA: He ran blasting, yelling and screaming. ~~~ GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Doo doo. GIRLS: Uh-huh! GUYS: Dooooo! HAN: Stormtroopers came, I took ‘em down. ~~~ GUYS & GIRLS: Doo, do-bop bop bop! Doo, do-bop bop bop! LEIA: Me and Luke, were swingin’ around! *SFX: kiss* HAN: Eww… ~~~ HAN & LEIA: What a trip! Got in the ship, But look! Fighting Jedi Knights! *SFX: light sabre battle* GUYS & GIRLS: Well-a, well-a, well-a, huh! GIRLS: Tell me more, tell me more! LEIA: You scruffy looking nerf herder! GUYS: Tell me more, tell me more! HAN: Saving this chick is murder! *SFX: Han blasts a trooper* TROOPER: Ugh! *SFX: thud* HAN: It was a boring chorus anyway. “Jedi School Drop-Out” (to the tune of “Beauty School Drop-Out”) *SFX: light sabre hum* OBI-WAN: Your story’s sad to tell, a space-age ne’er-do-well. Most mixed-up former slave boy in the stars. Your future was unclear then. In you we sensed much fear then. Now your outfit hides your soul and battle scars. YODA (background vocal): Oh, oh, oh, oh, la la la la la la la! Jedi School drop-out, no chamber council seat for you. Jedi School drop-out, knocked up the Senator of Naboo. Well you led the Sith in genocide, a twisted evil hellion. And thanks to that now both your kids are part of the rebellion. YODA: Shh! VADER: I was the learner, YODA (background vocal): You were the learner. VADER: But now, Kenobi, I’m the master. OBI-WAN: Only of evil, YODA (background vocal): Only of evil. OBI-WAN: Which is why your life’s a disaster. If you strike me down, I’ll blow this town, for me please shed no tears. Gotta be goin’ to that sequel, in four years. YODA (background vocal): Ah, ha ah ha. *SFX: light sabre slash* LUKE: Nooo!!! *SFX: blaster fire* LEIA: C’mon Luke, it’s too late! OBI-WAN: Run, Luke, run! *SFX: Falcon taking off* HAN: C’mon, buddy, we’re not out of this yet. “Greased Falcon (bridge)” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’” bridge sequence) *SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.* ~~~ HAN: You hear me baby? Hold together. *SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.* ~~~ HAN: (laughing) Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! *SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.* ~~~ LUKE: Got him! I got him! HAN: Great, kid. Don’t get cocky! *SFX: Claps replaced with 14 blaster shots and one explosion.* WILLARD: Princess! Thank goodness you’re safe! *SFX: R2-D2 noises* “Red Five” (to the tune of “Hand Jive”) DODONNA: Now listen up to this battle plan. Take an X-Wing Fighter, just one man. Zoom on down into that trench, And smell that thermal exhaust port stench. Cause a chain reaction will sure be neat-o, If you target your proton torpedo! *SFX: X-wing fighters, maybe with R2* LUKE: A harder mission I can’t surmise, But I used to bullseye womp rats that size. Just like beggar’s canyon back home, But suddenly I feel all alone. How was I the only one to survive? I’m standing by, and they call me Red Five! EVERYBODY: R2, Red Five, baby! *SFX: R2-D2 noises* EVERYBODY: R2, Red Five, baby! LUKE: Oh yeah! “Greased Falcon (reprise)” (to the tune of “Greased Lightnin’” end sequence) LUKE: This is Red 5, I’m going in. OBI-WAN: Luke, trust your feelings. *SFX: R2 gets shot* LUKE: I lost R2! TARKIN: You may fire when ready. OBI-WAN: Use the force, Luke. VADER: I have you now. *SFX: blaster, explosion* VADER: What?! HAN: Yee-hoooooo! *SFX: Vader’s ship knocked off course* HAN: You’re all clear, kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home! *SFX: proton torpedo shot* *SFX: Death Star explosion!* GUYS: Go… HAN: Go Skywalker, destroyin’ the Empire base! GUYS: Skywalker, go Skywalker! Go… HAN: Go Skywalker, you’re saving all of outer space! GUYS: Skywalker, go Skywalker! HAN: Blew them to hell, GUYS: Huh huh! HAN: A-with some help, GUYS: Huh huh! HAN: From Greased Falcon! GUYS: Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! Falcon! FALCOOOON! “Jedi Knights (reprise)” (to the tune of “Summer Nights” end sequence) LEIA: Battle’s over, that’s where it ends. HAN: Blew off Jabba, to save my friends. LEIA: Here’s some medals, for fighting clones. HAN: Time to make, “Indiana Jones”. HAN & LEIA: Star Wars dreams, on movie screens. But, oh, those Je-edi Kni-ights! EVERYBODY: Use the force, use the for-…-or-or-or-…or-or-orce!

Well a long time ago, In a galaxy far away, There was no evil greater Than the man Darth Vader And his Empire was here to stay. Now Vader, Needed some help, Ya see, he's searching for his long lost son, In the whole Empire, Found the man he'd hire, Jabba's Number One hired gun. He was bad, bad Boba Fett. The best bounty hunter you ever met He ransomed off poor old Han Help, help me Obi Wan. Now Boba, Tailed the Falcon, To the Cloud City with ease, And then just like fate, Boba had Luke's bait So they threw Han in the Carbon Freeze. He's got a jet pack, armor and rifle, He's got the Slave One to help him stalk, He's got websites to scan, He's got millions of fans, He's got four lines of dialogue. He was bad, bad Boba Fett. The best bounty hunter you ever met He ransomed off poor old Han Help, help me Obi Wan. Well Boba, Got paid Han's bounty, Cause Jabba set a hefty price, And at the edge of the lair, Sat a slave named Leia, And Ooh! That girl looks nice! Then when Luke came, To the rescue, Jabba, Threw a fit. Boba Fett and his henchmen Led a quick apprehension And took them, The Sarlaac Pit. He was bad, bad Boba Fett. The best bounty hunter you ever met He ransomed off poor old Han Help, help me Obi Wan. Well when Boba, He flew over, To fight Han during Luke's attack, He took a wack in the back, Flew off track, He went smack! And then he ended up a Sarlaac snack! He was bad, bad Boba Fett. The best bounty hunter you ever met He ransomed off poor old Han Help, help me Obi Wan. He was bad, bad Boba Fett. The best bounty hunter you ever met He ransomed off poor old Han Help, help me Obi Wan. I hope to see him back in Chapter One, If not, his saga's done.

Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna-luna-moon-a, Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna, Bib Fortuna-luna-moon-a, I love life on Tatooine. I love the Jabba jive 'cause he's so mean. His palace is keen, like the Star Wars Canteen. The Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt, the Hutt. Watch that Jabba drinking rum. Look, on his tail, it's Salacious Crumb. He's Fraggle-like scum, with a hand up his bum, A mup, a mup, a mup, a mup, a muppet. Oh, this criminal thug, is a wonderful slug, With the face of a pug, he's a smug kind of lug. A green skinned hottie on the dance floor. Trap door! Gator ate her, new translator. Sing Sy Snootles snooty snout. Max Rebo Jabba jives, all blue and stout. He'll twist and shout, while Han is hanging out In a slab, a slab, a slab, a slab, a slab. Luke's in a jam. Awww damn! Those piggy guards taste just like spam. Green alien ham! Luke's got a bone to pick, with that Rancor so quick. He fell for that old guillotine door trick. (That old schtick?) That's when Jabba threw a fit. Took his sail barge out to the Sarlaac pit. Han couldn't see it, but got a critical hit On Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett, ba Boba Fett. Ooh, the big slimy meanie dressed Leia like a genie, In a golden bikini, which made the Jawas "UTEENI!!!" Then came the part where his plot sank. Walkin' the plank. Player hater. Luke's Dad is Darth Vader. Strangled by the ball and chain. Leia stopped the Jabba jive to end his reign. Luke rescued the dame, at the deck they took aim, And then we, blew up, blew up, blew up, blew up, blew up! BLOW!!!

Whoa man! Found out Vader's my dad. I say, oh man! Han got stuck in a slab, but I saved him… and my friends from Jabba. There's no need to be unhappy. And now, there's a place I must go. Keep a promise… to a guy you all know, and I'll show him, I meant it when I said, I would Return of the Jedi. (Spoken:) "Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! He knows everything about wrong and right. You can become a Jedi knight. I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! To avoid the dark side is the path he'll endorse, He'll teach you to use the force. "Young man, listening to me are you?" He said, "young man, I'm nine hundred and two." He said, "young man, you need no more training, But you got to do this one thing: Vader… You must face him you see, And only then, a Jedi will you be." Then his last words were a real shocker. "There is another Skywalker." (Spoken:) Leia's my sister? I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! He knows everything about wrong and right. You can become a Jedi knight. I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! To avoid the dark side is the path he'll endorse, He'll teach you to use the force. Next came, a very big surprise. Poor old Yoda, who's so old and so wise, He just faded right before my own eyes like he was beamed on the Enterprise. That's when Obi-Wan came to me And said, young man, go get Vader for me and George Lucas. Re-release it for yuks, make four-hundred-million more bucks! (Spoken:) "Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!" I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! He can make some more cash, for George Lucas's bank. He has all the fanboys to thank. I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! "Woo hoo hoo hoo! Don't underestimate all the things you can do, And may the force be with you!" …Y.O.D.A.! I go to learn from the Y.O.D.A.! (Spoken:) "Woo hoo hoo! Macho, macho man! A macho man, want to be I! Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!…"

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... 1, 2, 3, 4! Leia's on the spaceship, facin' lots of hardship, I'm on the farm tip, scoopin' up a cow chip, a droid like a trash can, protocol gold man, said they got a message and they gotta find old Ben. Look out Luke, This isn't a fluke. Ben met Han, so we went to Alderaan, in the Millennium Falcon, but the whole planet's gone. A man in big black mask, The Death Star's on. Darth Vader rules, like a Corleone space don. Sneak around, light foot, Leia's lookin' real good. Obi got killed, put plans in the droid, but We snuck out, got away, Took a shot at the array, Blew the damn thing away. Hip hop hooray! Look out Luke, you're hearing a spook. Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and C3PO are running from the Empire, I listen to Obi Wan. Go to Dagobah, go see Yoda. You do need a wise old man who sounds just like Grover. (Near... Faaaaaaar!) Get trained, get well, livin' in a stinkwell, see the future, do tell, Han says "I'll see you in Hell". Froze tight in carbonite, backfired the scam That Lando planned. Meet your Dad and lose a hand. Look out Luke, put up your duke. Jabba's Cabaret, the Lard Block Cafe. Caught me takin' Han away. A Monster in the desert, is lookin for a dessert. I'm not a souffle. I blew them all to Bombay. Endor decor, Trees, rocks, Ewoks. Emperor said this, get pissed, fight or we'll persuade sis. Terminate the new Star, Dad switched. Han got the princess. Twenty years of movies and they put us on VHS. Look out Lucas, Don't ever rebuke this. Made a couple sequels, raves from all peoples, action figure heapfulls, fling like seagulls. To the past we must forge so we put George Lucas back to work. Because the weasel's makin' prequels! May the force be with you always.

(2 measure intro) (two theatre employees talking… Are they still out there?… Yes, look at ‘em, they’ve all been sitting out there on the curb for weeks! All of this just for a movie?) In the line again. Now here I am waitin’ in the line again. To prove that I’m the biggest super “Star Wars” fan, I proudly sit and wait in the line again. In the line again. I lost my job back ‘round day nine or ten. My sweetheart left, my love just didn’t understand, But I’ll find a new love here in the line again. In the line again. To be the first to see the film is my intention. Here with all my friends. Yeah, we’ve formed right here a single file convention. Just feel the tension. (Oooh! I can’t wait!) We’re in the line again. Discussing rumors from the internet. Like Justin Timberlake is playing Boba Fett. (What?) That’s what we do when we’re in the line again. (bridge – Luke Ski and another fan talk about internet rumors:) (What other rumors are there?) Well let me turn on my laptop with cellular modem and log onto w-w-w-dot “spoil it for the rest of us” dot-com… Ah! Here we go… Senator Palpatine does commercials for Viagra… (Whoa!) Mace Windu’s wallet is called “Bad Mother Jedi”… (Cool!) Obi-Wan to sing medley of sappy love songs to Amidala on top of a giant bantha… (Really?) In Yoda’s fight scene, he quote, “On their candy asses the Smackdown I layeth, yes!”… (Huh?) To increase his popularity, Jar Jar Binks becomes a Sith Lord and kills N’Sync… (Wow! Is all that for real?) Well, if it’s on the internet, it must be true! (Yeah!) In the line again. We’re a band of nomad fanboys on the streetside. Here in my pup-tent, I got a GameCube with Rogue Squadron Two in hi-fi. This is Sci-fi! In the line again. I’ll get the scoop on what happens to Anakin. Been waiting here since the last movie reached it’s end. I got no life waitin’ in the line again. But that’s my life waiting in the line again. (A theatre owner comes out and addresses the line:) Okay you geeks, slowly, one at a time, we will now start seating for Star Wars, Episo-GAAAHH!!! (We hear the crowd trample him as they stampede into the theatre.))

Yoda: It is like, care about nothing, I do not. Anakin: Turn the sabre on. Yeah. (sabre noise) Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: Pretty cool. (sabre noise) Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: Yeah, yeah. (sabre noise) Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Lat dat dah-ah-ahh… Anakin: Okay turn it off, yeah. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da da da, la da da da, la da da daa! Anakin: Was a Tattooine slave as a kid, pod racers I'd fly. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: 'Til QuiGon freed me he did, then ten years go by. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Uh! Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: Now I'm protecting Padme's life, and you know why. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Why, man? Anakin: Yeah, hey!… Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, da-da, dat… Anakin: The assassin was a her not a him, we chased through the sky. Watto: Come on, ya'll! Yoda: Check it out. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: And just like always, we'd hack off a limb, just so she'd comply. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Uh, Uh. Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: That method's a bit extreme, how do we justify? Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ha ha ha. Why, man? Anakin: Yeah, hey!… Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto: Go to the next, go to the next, go to the next. Jar-Jar: Meesa! Yoda: Uh! Anakin: Left Naboo to look for my Mom, to save her I'd try. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Uh. Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: She passed away right there in my arms, and it made me cry. Yoda: Very sad indeed. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: All those Tuskien Sand People, THEY ALL HAD TO DIE!!! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Yaaah! Why, man? Anakin: Yeah, hey!… Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, dat, dat… Anakin: Jango lost his head, Boba moans, for vengeance he'll vie. Jar-Jar: I'm serious, man! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: We won the battle with the best clones, that money can buy. Yoda: Republic credits, very good. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: Dooku chopped off my hand, that's irony, with a capitol "I"… Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Gaaah! Why, man? Anakin: Yeah, hey!… Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, dat, dat… Anakin: Our secret passion we couldn't avoid, we tried to deny. Jar-Jar: I'm serious, man! Watto: Uh. Uh. Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: So back on Naboo, witnessed by the droids, the knot we did tie. Yoda: What was that? Watto: Nothing, keep going. Jar-Jar: Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: It'll destroy our lives, but who cares? We're livin' a lie. Yoda: Turn the song off! Anakin: Yeah, hey!… Because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi, because I'm Jedi! Watto: Because I'm Jedi! No, keep going!... Jar-Jar: ... because I'm Jedi, Me do dat over!... Yoda: ...because I'm Jedi! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, dat, dat… Anakin: Okay you guys, take a verse, take a verse, go! Watto: I've got little wings on my back, so that I can fly… Anakin: Uh, yeah, uh, keep going! Ooo, ooo, oooo… Jar-Jar: Meesa got big ear, long tongue, and two bulgey eye!… Yes I do! Anakin: That's right, you do man. Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Yoda: Whup your butt in a fight I will, and you know why… Anakin: Why guys? …… Go! Go! Go! Go! Yoda: Yeah, hey!… Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: 'Cause we're C.G.I., 'cause we're C.G.I., 'cause we're C.G.I.! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, dat, dat… Anakin: The film's called "Attack of the Clones", and it's starring I. Watto: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Jar-Jar: Meesa! Baby, Ho-ooo!… Yoda: Ooo, ooo, oooo… Anakin: Even though my acting's worse than, that Keanu guy. Watto: Go! Yeah! Uh! Yeah! Say what? Say what? Say what? Say what? Jar-Jar: No way! Bring it back, bring it back, baby! Yoda: Yes way, Ted!, Lat dat dat, da-da-dah… Anakin: And by now I'm sure you all have figured out why… Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: Aaahh!!! Why, man? Anakin: Yeah, hey!… George Lucas got high, George Lucas got high, George Lucas got high! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: George Lucas got high, George Lucas got high, George Lucas got high! Watto, Jar-Jar, & Yoda: La da dat, dat, dat, dat… Anakin: Lat, dat, da da da dat, da da da da daa… Jar-Jar: Did he really do that, man? Watto: Well, you know those Hollywood types. Anakin: Shoop shoop shooby do wah… Yoda: Obi-Wan, get jiggy with it! Anakin: Skippy dee bee bah boop do wah… Jar-Jar: Meesa not thinkin you be sayin dat. Watto: Yes, it's a continuity error. Too out of character you, too out of date for everyone. Anakin: Lat, dat, da da da dat, loot loo doo dee doo… Doot doo! Yoda: When 900 years old you reach, as up to date your pop culture references will be not? Hmm? Anakin: La da da da da, la da da da da, la da da da daa! La dat dat dat dat daa… Watto: See, now I have no idea what you are saying. Jar-Jar: Yeah, you needsa to be speakin in a waysa thatsa people cansa be undastandinsa! Watto: Now I am completely lost. Jar-Jar: Me-me-meesa-MEESA!!! Yoda: Sell any of these albums, we are not going to, cuz. Watto: Let's go back to Mos Espa and fix some more maintenance droids, screw it. Jar-Jar: Pooda to da corporate world, beeyotch!

(8 measure lead-in, with dialogue) Palpatine: A Jedi gains power through understanding. A Sith gains understanding through power! Anakin: And with great power comes great responsibility? Palpatine: Eeh, not for the Sith it doesn’t, Tobey! He was a boy. I was a girl. Can George make it any more obvious? He was a slave, And I was a queen, Stuck on Tattooine. He soon grew up. I said ‘he’s fine’. He lost his hand, so I gave him mine. But his Jedi friends, Ruffled their robes, ‘Cause they had a problem with his darker clothes. He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) A space aviator boy. Vader: (breathing) That droid party they did crash. While R2 ignited fuel, Vader: (breathing) His long hair still looked so cool. Vader: (breathing) He sure unhanded Dooku fast. *light sabre cutting off arm, scream* Now Anakin was The hero they’d hail, But some of the Senators wanna Bail. The council dissed him. Sent Obi to stop This cross between Zorak and RoboCop. *Zorak laughs* I carried his child, But nobody knew. With all of this kicking it feels like two. He dreamt of my death. It left him in terror, Which led to his judgement’s Grevious error. Yoda: What a bad pun you have made, ohh hoo hoo hoo! He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) Thanks to that dictator, boy, Vader: (breathing) With his new wrinkley Gollum head. Palpatine: Precious! Sidious’ evil grin, Vader: (breathing) Kinda like Darth Nixon. Vader: (breathing) Blood-stained-glass, Mace window’s dead. He was the Vader Boy. Vader: (breathing) A real Jedi traitor boy, Vader: (breathing) Just so that I would not be harmed. He went really Musta-far, Vader: (breathing) And now thanks to Chewbacca, Vader: (breathing) Those battle droids were soon un-armed. *Battle droid says ‘Roger roger’* *Chewbacca roars* *light sabre & blasters* (8 measure bridge featuring the Nick Atoms’ punked out version of the Imperial March) Obi-Wan: You were the chosen one! Anakin: Sith happens. There’s no youngling that could hide From his Jedi genocide. Thanks to Palpatine’s clone tricks, Now they all root ‘Sixty-Six’! Obi snuck on board my ship. That’s when he just lost his grip. Anakin: (battle grunts, oh no, etc.) *light sabre duel* He went to pieces that sad day Anakin: (battle grunts, yelling) *light sabre duel* That he took my breath away. Padme: (choking gasp) *thud* He’s just a Sith, And I’m just a corpse. Can George make it any more obvious? Suddenly there’s Two orphaned kids. Newborn Luke & Leia: (babies crying) I’ve got a bad feeling about thi-i-i-i-is, Now he’s the Vader Boy, Vader: (breathing) With his respirator boy, Vader: (breathing) And in this saga, evil wins. Now he’s into metal, Vader: (breathing) And I know we sure as hell Vader: (breathing) Aren’t gonna let him raise these twins. Now he’s Darth Vader, boy. Vader: (breathing) A real space invader boy. Vader: (breathing) Leia’s a princess on Alderaan. Luke’s on a moisture farm. Vader: (breathing) They’re both safe from any harm, Vader: (breathing) But fans want to know where the Hell is Han? *Chewbacca laughs* Young Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball! *Vader breathing* (song fades/peters out)

I got a bad feeling about this. 1, 2, 3, 4! Qui-Gon's on the station, for negotiation. Trade Federation wants obliteration. A queen in kabuki garb, Jedi rescued. Got her off of Naboo with some help from R2. Look out kid, You're chock for of Mid- -ichloriens, Our boy works at Watto's bazaar. We won a slave and a hyperdrive betting on NASCAR. Took Ani to Coruscant. A prophet star? The Senate's gridlocked, and don't forget Jar Jar. Ani blastin' aloft made the droid's attack soft Darth Maul was the black goth now, he's only half-off. Much later on, Padme, Zam tried to assassinate. Yoda helped Obi find a Planet they had misplaced. Look out kid. Beware of your id. Obi saw Camino's Discount troop clones. DNA of Jango's and after Ani's sand prose. Mom went comatose. Flipped, like, adios! You don't need a bantha nose to smell the Tuskens decompose. Dooku Obi did find hangin' in a bug mine. Chase in the assembly line, Mace

Star Wars is a serial of thrills. Instead of one sci-fi classic, we get six crazy films (and an animated series). Some actors of the Jewish faith are in these tales of Jedi, And if Adam Sandler can amend his song, then why the Hell can't I? Natalie Portman, sure isn't a shiksa. She was elected Queen of Naboo just before her Bat Mitzvah. Gave birth to a Jewish Princess, she was Carrie Fisher's Momma. Mark Hamill's not a jew, but he was the voice of the Hanukkah Zombie on "Futurama". Some people thought Watto was, with his raspy voice and schnozzes. Well he's not, and neither is Yoda, but it turns out that Frank Oz is! Yoda: Jew or Jew not, there is no try! Hoo hoo hoo hoo! Mel Brooks gave us "Spaceballs", made us laugh until we burst. Harrison Ford is a quarter Jewish, and he shot Greedo first! Get on your Taun-Taun-nukkah. It's Star Wars Hanukkah. You can hang out with Qui-Gon-nukkah. On the Millenium Falcon-nukkah. With a Wookie named Chewba-nukkah. Everybody: Please help me Obi-Wan-nukkah. So go see Episode One-nukkah. And have a happy Han Solo! [Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball!] Just kidding! Happy Star Wars Hanukkah! May the force be with you, everybody!

---[To the tune of “When You Wish Upon A Star” from Pinocchio]--- Jiminy Cricket: When you wish upon a Death Star, Makes no diff- AAAHH!!! (SFX: Death Star fires, blows up planet) ---[To the tune of “The Enchanted Tiki Room” from the Magic Kingdom parks]--- (spoken:) (SFX: Jawas babbling, R2-D2 heard beeping) C-3PO: (robot effect on his voice:) Oh! Jawas! Filthy creatures! Where are you taking us? Jawa: Uteeni! Jawas: The Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! The Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! Lead Jawa: All the droids are void and full of gloom, Jawas: In the Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! Lead Jawa: Welcome to our traveling desert dump, Owen Lars and Beru. Buy this protocol droid and this astromech, and we'll throw in Wall-E too! All together! Jawas: The Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! The Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! Lead Jawa: Watch “Polyanna Jones And The Temple Of Doom”, Jawas: In the Uteeni-teeni-teeni-teeni-teeni Room! ---[To the tune of “This Is Halloween” from the Nightmare Before Christmas]--- Scum: This is Tattooine, wretched hive of villany, Better shoot first, or it'll be your last! In our bar, everybody's mean! On this planet Tattooine. Watto: I am the guy betting on a pod race, Now I got Hutt debt collectors in my face. Ponda: I am the guy, wants to cause Luke harm. Face like a walrus, and a newly severed arm. (SFX: lightsabre cuts arm off) ---[To the tune of “The Ballad Of Davy Crockett”]--- Homer & Jethro: Lives on a mountaintop on Tattooine. In his youth, he once rescued a queen. Trained Anakin when he was just a teen, but couldn't stop him from becoming a machine. Obi-Wan Kenobi stinked up the vile frontier. ---[To the tune of “Part Of Your World” from the Little Mermaid]--- Princess Leia: Told Tarkin lies, he called my bluff. Alderaan is where I kept my stuff. Now it's debris. Can't believe he, blew up my world. Ursula: (spoken:) Those poor unfortunate souls! ---[To the tune of “Reflection” from Mulan]--- Princess Leia: Dewbacks on the Dune Seas weren't here in the 70's. This Special Edition has things I don't know. ---[To the tune of “Grim Grinning Ghosts” from the Haunted Mansion]--- Thurl: When the Clone Wars start, he'll use martial art. G.G.G.s: Wields four blades like a Cuisinart. Thurl: Robot bones and scary eyes. G.G.G.s: Lightsabres decorate his thighs. All: Grim Grevious goes, and kills all the Jedis. ---[To the tune of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin]--- Boba Fett: Mister Lord Vader sir, who will my bounty be? Let me take your order, hunt them down. You ain't never had a Fett like me! Oh, ho ho! Boba Fett: (spoken:) Oh, no the Sarlaac Pit! Aaah! (SFX: Sarlac eats him, gulp!) ---[To the tune of “You've Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story]--- Sarlacc: I've got a Fett in me. Boba Fett: (spoken, muffled:) Let me out! I'm very popular! Sarlacc: I've got a Fett in me... ---[To the tune of “Be Our Guest” from Beauty And The Beast]--- Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! It's a trap! We fell right into their lap! The Empire saw us coming. Soon our ship will just be scrap. Sheilds down? Watch us soar! Lando, fly into that core. Those brave Ewoks sure aren't yellow. Maybe they got help from Willow. ---[To the tune of “I Just Can't Wait To Be King” from the Lion King]--- (Darth Vader voice effect on all of Vader's lines/vocals.) (spoken:) Vader: Luke, I am your father, and so we are all connected, in the circle of life. Vader: I'll redefine the genre serial myth. Oh I just can't wait to be Sith! (spoken:) Emperor: You've got a long way to go, my young apprentice. ---[To the tune of “The Bare Necessities” from the Jungle Book]--- Emperor: Remember Ahsoka Tano, your padawan you called 'snips'? Vader: (spoken:) Yeah? Emperor: Now realize she got murdered, heh heh heh, by my Order 66! Vader: (spoken:) What?! Emperor: You two were quite close, and that makes you sad. But don't feel that, instead get real mad! Embrace your hatred, and see what happens, Get dark side power to choke your captains, Like your dead wife from Naboo... Vader: (spoken:) Qui-Gon, man, solid Qui-Gon! Emperor: The Bare Neces-SITH-ties of life will come to- ---(music flops to a stop because the Emperor is suddenly interrupted by Jar Jar.)--- (spoken:) Jar Jar: (to the tune of “It's A Small World”) Meesa Jar Jar after all! Emperor: AAOOWW! You threw off my groove! Vader: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. (SFX: Hatch opens, Vader grunts, throwing Jar Jar out. Jar Jar yells as he falls.) Jar Jar: Meesa sorryyyyyy! Vader: You were saying? ---[To the tune of “Gaston” from Beauty And The Beast]--- Men: No... one... blasts them like Han. Smuggles past them like Han. Greedo: No one slices a Taun-Taun in Aspen like Han. Girls: He'll evade every loan shark and bookie. Han: For your causes, I really don't care. Greedo: You can see his co-pilot's a Wookiee. (SFX: Wookiee growl) Han: That's right, 'cause every last inch of him's covered with hair! Girls: No one pleases like Han. Men: Carbon freezes like Han. Greedo: Becomes decorative sculptural friezes like Han. Han: And I killed Boba Fett without even trying! All: Who do we want? It's Han- ---[To the tune of “Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me” from Pirates Of The Caribbean]--- All: -Solo! Solo! A smuggler's life for me! (SFX: laser cannon fire, people laugh, say ARR! Etc.) ---[To the tune of “I Wanna Be Like You” from the Jungle Book]--- Yoda: Oh, the king of the lightsabre swingers I am, The Jedi V.I.P. 'Till we got attacked, the Empire struck back, And that's why I live in a tree. Luke: I wanna be a Jedi Master, And get my ship out of that ditch. Yoda: Well, do or do not, there is no try, And stop being such a whiny apprentice. Hoo hoo hoo... Luke: Oh, well, no duh! Back-up: Well, no duh! I wanna be like Yo-o-da Yo-de-doe-de-doe-da! A Jedi knight like Yoda, da! fight like Yoda, da! So-o much. Really really! Yoda: You know a Je-e-di A jedi! Craves not these thi-i-ings No, they don't crave these things! So scat you will with Kenobi while he si-i-ings! (Ghostly reverb on all of Obi-Wan's vocals:) Obi-Wan: Hey! Lott Dod, Nute Gunray! Max Rebo, Dooku, Salacious Crumb! Dennn-gar, Boba Fett, Bossk, IG-88, and 4-LOM, Jabba, Bib Fortuna, Gonk, Sebulba! Luke: Ponda Baba! Obi-Wan: with Aayla Secura! Luke: Jan Dodonna! Obi-Wan: with Oola, Mon Mothma! Luke: Lobot, Gardula the Hutt, Obi-Wan: Ki-Adi Mundi! Luke: Lando, Jango! Obi-Wan: Greedo, Watto! Luke: blblblblblblblblblblblblbl! Obi-Wan: Boss Nass, baby! Luke: Tarpals, Padme Amidala, Obi-Wan: Kit Fisto and Grand Moff Tarkin, Luke: Sy Snootles and Palpatine, Obi-Wan: and Wedge and Biggs and Fode and Beed! Luke: Dexter Jettster! Obi-Wan: Ashoka, Chewbacca! Luke: You-oo-oo Back-up: hoop-de-weep all wanna be like Lu-u-uke hop-de-doobie-doo-wop You wanna spy like Luke, cheep fly like Luke, cheep too-oo-oo weebie deebie doo boo Obi-Wan: I must warn you-oo-oo, shoobidy doop the Dark Side is tempting. Obi, Obi, Obi Vader: You can learn to be, like someone like me! Luke: Take me home, Daddy! L, Y, & O: Can learn to be, like someone like you! Yoda: One time more! Vader: Yeah! Can learn to be, like someone like me! (spoken:) Vader: Cad Bane, Zuckuss, Zam Wessel, and Windu, and Porkins, and Nien Nunb, and Droopy McCool, and, and, wait, who are you? Mickey: Ha-ha! I'm YOUR father now! Vader: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! (the end)

[Intro - 4 measures] (sound bites: Jyn Urso: This is a rebellion, isn’t it?... I rebel.) [Verse 1] Look around, everywhere you see oppression, From Jedha to Yavin Four. (And more.) And with - every new fascist transgression You just can’t take anymore! (Start a Star War!) It makes no difference if it’s the Empire, The First Order, or the Sith. (Vader: Make Alderaan great again!) When you see injustice, let it light your fire! If there’s a Death Star, a Starkiller’s what you are! You know it! [Chorus 1] Come on, go Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!) Let them feel your force like a hellion! (Force like a hellion!) Hey, hey, hey! Come on, Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!) And you too can lead a rebellion! (You’re our only hope!) You - are - your - only hope! [Verse 2 - spoken/rap] Amidala and her crew stopped the blockade at Naboo. Jyn Urso helped out huge with her tropical subterfuge. Young Ahsoka made great quips. Left the order. So long, Snips. Rey beat Kylo at his game. Maybe Maz knows her last name. Hera flies the Ghost through space. Sabine graffiti’s a Trooper’s face. (SFX: *spray paint* Trooper: Hey!) Mon Mothma and Aunt Beru. Princess Leia, we love you. Rebel with an attitude. General with some fortitude. (Vader: It is pointless to resist it!) Nevertheless, she persisted. Rogue. [echoes] (Fight! Oppose!) Rogue. [echoes] (May the force be with you!) [Chorus 2] Come on, go Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!) Let them feel your force like a hellion! (Force like a hellion!) Hey, hey, hey! Come on, Rogue! (whisper: Rogue.) (Rogue!) And you too can lead a rebellion! (You’re our only hope!) You - are - your - only hope! Ooh, you’ve got to go... ...Rogue. [echoes] (sound bites: Han: I love you. Leia: I know. SFX: *blaster shot* SFX: *Wilhelm scream!*)

"Small Round Yoda" A parody of "Old Town Road" by L'il Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, about the "Star Wars" Disney+ TV show "The Mandalorian". Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski, © 2020 Luke Sienkowski (4 measure intro) [The Armorer: "When one chooses to walk the way of the Mandalore, you are both hunter and prey. How can one be a coward if one chooses this way of life?... ...This is the way."] Yeah, I'm gonna save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - - fly high while we lie low. I'm gonna save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - [*SFX: Gonk, Gonk] - fly. A long time ago… I am a Mandalorian, - named Din Djarin. Kin have been chagrin, - and to show our skin's a sin. Greef got me a job, huh. - Client's got the fob. He been in the Empire, slummin' skid row like a slob, now. Said 'We'll pay you with bescar, sir.' I'll update my armor. Got help from an Ugnaught farmer. [Kuiil: "I have spoken."] I'm not a blerg charmer. [SFX: *Blerg noise*] I.G. sorta crashed in. Laser guns a'-blastin'. Bomb just like a Scud. A disposable assassin. Gunfire like crazy. Found the asset maybe. Fifty years old, wait, he's, an actual baby?! Gonna have to pay the piper. I'm a foundling swiper. Flyin' through the space that's hyper, [SFX: *baby pooping*] and I'll change his diaper. Yeah, I'm gonna save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - - fly. Fight a space rhino. I'm gonna save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - - fly. Waves his hand solo. Pretty soon, Cara Dune, fought her when I flipped in. Blasters at our heads, Child is watchin', sippin' Lipton. Why do people love me? I'm the 'X' in this equation: 'What if Boba Fett had lived up to his reputation?' Moff Gideon better step on back! I got a flamethrower gauntlet and fly jet pack. So if you try to kidnap my small round Yoda, I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold. Yeah, I'm gonna save the life of this small round Yoda. Gonna - - fly some place I don't know. I dedi- -cate my life to this small round Yoda. Gonna - - fly, do I hear banjo? (4 measure outro) [Cara Dune: "Take care of this little one."] [Greef Karga: "Or maybe, it'll take care of you."] [Mando: "That's not a toy."] Yoda: Ooh! Crunchy frog! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!